froglegs

Just curious.

I know sobriety can be done. How many times did it take you to get it right? What were your motivations? If you relapsed, what caused it & have you stayed clean since?

Thanks

erino134

I tried many many times to quit vicodin. But the hell of physical withdrawal was too strong. Then my husband started to figure out what I was doing. I kept trying to quit and kept lying to him that I had. Several times.

Then I finally went to my Doctor and told her out loud what I was doing to myself.

She sent me to what I thought was going to be a psychiatrist, but turned out to be an addiction specialist. So all of a sudden I was given the opportunity to really quit - whether or not I was ready.

He helped me detox with suboxone - which is the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me in a way. Suboxone was a miracle. Suddenly I am quitting and I don't even know if I want to.

That was on January 31st, 2005. I have had a well planned relapse. It wasn't that great, and certainly not as fun as I planned on it being.

I am clean again and taking it day by day only. I go to meetings, I come here, and I pray, AND I repeat the first two steps of AA in my head often. (I seem to need to remind myself often.)

My motivation actually grows from this board and from meetings. I don't have a lot alone. Alone - I rationalize all that use.

My main motivation today is simply the question I ask myelf over and over "Why not quit today? You know you have to someday, so why not today? You don't even enjoy it anymore and you can't even seem to get high from it, so why keep lying and spending all our money?" That doesn't sound that deep - but it is working for me right now. I didn't hit a very low bottom. Nothing really bad happened, but why not skip that drama?

I'm clean right now. I have not been clean every day since January 31st, but I am not worrying about what went wrong. I am very focused on what was working. I am not committed to staying clean the rest of my life. I am committed to staying clean today. That's all I can do right now and it has been working for a few weeks so I am going to stick with it for now.

Erin

findinganewme

Sadly, I lost count. I'm new to sobriety and certainly have relapsed and am very ashamed of it.

I know it can be done ..... but one must WANT it.

MOTIVATIONS: alienating and losing the respect, love, and presence of my loved ones (including two daughters)

Why did I relapse ..... although this sounds like an excuse (and perhaps it is), but it was sadness, stress, not knowing what else to do, and feeling that geeeee, if I just have a drink it'll be alright! WRONG! VERY WRONG!

splendra

My relaps was a long time ago, I had been clean for 3months and one day I woke up with the desire to get drunk.... I had previouly drank apprx. 1 fifth of tequillia and one case of beer per day...I bought a 1/2 pint of tequillia and two beers and drank it gone and was extreemly drunk and had I hang over that lasted almost a week...I have never forgotten my last hangover and anytime I think about getting drunk my mind imeadatly brings back the memory of my last hangover....

Blake

What up?

I got clean in august of 2000 when I went into detox. I stayed clean throuought the 6 months I was in an outpatient program, but when I "graduated" I started to think that I could go out to bars with my friends and drink as long as I didn't do any "real drugs" well alcohol lead to perc's and alcohol wich lead to percs and coke and alcohol then it was oxys and a little alcohol then just a shitload of oxys and no alcohol then it was heroin which lead to me getting on methadone which got me here on feb. 10th 2005. What lead me to my relapse was the false sense that I could control my drug use and the belief that alcohol ws not a drug. I had to learn the hard way, but today I firmly believe that there is absolutely no way I can ever get control back over drugs, I hope I never forget that...

-Blake

Gooch

My original attempts were prior to 1988 of my own volition and specifically substance focused.

ie: I'd spend too much money on a particular substance or didn't like the buzz or subsequent withdrawl and tell myself "I'll never do that again"

or i'f get arrested for being disorderly, or driving under the influence.. and swear off the "this or the that" .

Finally in 1988' I went to an outpatient treatment and started to go to meetings.

I finally got my first taste of any consistenat abstinance. 30, 60 90 days at atime. Once I think I got 9 minths of honest clean time. This went on until 1990' and I got pissed at teh whole process because of the "hypocrits" in meetings.

In about a months time I was facing 1 1/3 to 4 for a predicate felony driving while intoxicated. I stayed away from meetings and on feb 2, 1991 I was sentenced to 4 months in a county jail. I'd had enough. And thank the God of my understanding I'd experienced enough of what the other side of addiction ( recovery ) could look like that I wanted more. I went to an NA meeting the day I got out of jail and started to practice the program to the best of my ability on a daily basis.

If by relapse, you mean returned to using drugs again .. I haven't had to use since 2/2/91. I attend meetings, associate with recovering addicts and do my best to make mnore consistently healthy decisions and my life has been blessed for the effort.

I still find that addiction will rear it's head in my life in any way possible to intercept me from maintaining a conscious contact with my higher power. It knows I like bright shiny objects, loud noises, and alluring smells.

Being clean and being in recovery do not necessarily coincide at all times.

wantneeda

My best friends were the people i had just met,,,beat the hell out of lonliness...from the song 3 Angels...by the Headstones...happened to be the song playing just now...and how true. I didn't know how to be my own best friend.
My first trip to rehab kept me clean and sober for maybe a month...i just wasn't ready. Ihadn't learned the tools to keep me clean and sober. I didn't know what recovery was. I plain and simply accepted that i wasn't done. I like the shite too much...i'm an addict..i'll always like the shite!!! But...my motivation? I knew i was killing myself. My Hp put a path of recovery in front of me that i was willing to honestly grasp, with all the fervor of a drowning (wo)man.
How many times did it take?? 20 some years of hell.
I became willing to go to any length to live!!! I've learned that anything i put before sobriety i will lose.
Total acceptance, total surrender, that's what it took. Time given to let the fog clear, the realization that i can;'t do it alone. That i'm worth fighting for, that i have to do it for ME, not my kids or my family. And that my HP loves me and forgives me has lead to forgiving myself. My past is set in stone, i can't change it. I can learn from it. One foot in the past , one foot in the future..keeps me p$ssing on today. learning to live in the moment.
Realizing my triggers and the tools to deal with them. And the fact that that devil on my shoulder will ALWAYS be there, cunning, baffling, powerful and oh so patient. That fight, battle between ego and spirit...my ego is weak...my spirit is strong, i have the strength and courage in my heart always..i've learned to tap into that.
On my 327th day, my life has never been better, i never knew it could be! The promises are coming true for me. Perseverence and never giving up hope gets me through the day. I hit bottom, i lost everything but my life. Not everyone has to lose everything, you can raise your bottom up to meet you.
To me, death is the ultimate bottom, i don't want to go there!!
\\//peace and luv, Wendy

Evanna

Been clean over two years now. Prior to this i spent 22yrs in and out. I would get clean for a year or two and then go use again for years. I believe that i used to relapse because i found being clean too painful too sustain. How ever ****** using was at least i could get some let up from the pain. In the end though i couldnt get any let up using either...didnt matter how many drugs i took i couldnt blot out the pain. I was gonna die trying. The damage i was inflicting on myself and others as i tried to block pain that simply wouldnt be blocked was phenomenal. So this time it was like i knew uncategorically that the pain of using was worse than that of being clean. I also knew that there had to be another way. Interestingly enough it isnt so painful now. In fact it is pretty good mostly.

Anyway that is my story in short but i think there has to be better ways.

Paulie

Motivation....I didnt' want to die, but I had lost the desire to live, a scary place to be.

I got sober 8/11/95, by the grace of God I have not relapsed. Well I have not used or drank, I have relapsed emotionally a few times in the past almost 10 years. I have stopped going to meetings and been so miserable I might as well had been using. But again, by the grace of my HP, I didnt pick up and each time I found my way back to the rooms and reached out for help.

I never say never. that bothers some people, but I have known to many people that said they would never use again..they are either out there using or dead. I never say never, when it comes to my sobriety I work hard on trying to stay in today.

The what if's in life are enough to drive me crazy....I cannot what if about using. I just can't.

mackat

for too many times i was good at quittin- not good at stayin quit
said enuff oct 21, 1995
went to rehab

got hooked into program- for the first 4 years, all my roomates, construction crews, fellow musicians,girl frens- all were clean/sober - [yep , i needed LOTS of support!]

still clean today....6:13pm , May 2, 2005

findinganewme

THAT'S SUPER ...... I APPLAUD YOU!

So far the only *support* I have is this helpful and amazing site. I've pushed everyone away and the ones that are left are addicts and for my sake, I must keep my distance!

I know, I know, I must get myself to a meeting (almost did) and/or rehab!

Doug

A while, and several times.

mackat

i looked at the folk who had what i wanted-

i did as they told me they had done

namommy

I was introduced to NA in Aug. 1993, I spent the next 3 years relapsing, never accumulating anything worth calling clean time. In and out of detox, rehab, methadone maintenance programs, hospitals, jails, mental institutions. Finally after my last jail sentence I started really trying to recover. I did relapse one more time, over a man, or should I say because I was going to leave one and knew I was going to get my a$$ kicked for doing so, so I got really drunk and high first. I used for a few more weeks, then finally kicked cold turkey. My clean date is now August 15, 1996. My miracle.

cj.

I am clean 4 years 9 months and 17 days through the grace of my Higher Power and the program of Narcotics Anonymous.

Before finding NA, I spent 10 years in and out of another 12 step program, getting a year or two here and there but never able to find any happiness. When I finally found NA, I found my true home. I also found my happiness.

Peace
cj

WNY Addict

I've been clean for just over 27 months now. I've relapsed several times, lost several jobs due to it... yadda-yadda. My addictive behavior with drugs started when I was 13.

What finally drove me to abstinence (then recovery) was the realization that I can't control my use of any drug. I've tried it dozens of times, and it always ended up in complete failure.

Pills, IV dilaudid, pot, alcohol, speed... anything. I've been trying to escape from myself (and life) since I was a kid. Putting down the drugs came after many loses, and recovery started when I realized this wasn't about the drugs... it was about me. I could live abstinent as a timebomb waiting to go off again, or I could face my disease and change my life for the better.

My addiction will stay with me until the day I die, but actively dealing with my disease offers me a new way of life that's better than anything I can ever recall. I'm happier than ever, I have everything I need in this life to make me happy, and I never have to use again so long as I live day by day with my disease.

I keep it as simple as possible

godsonmyside

I was introduced to NA in 1987, in the last 18 years I have changed my clean date 3 times. Reservations, and not changing myself. the Last time I used a chemical was March 1st at 11:00 P.M., I remember it like it was 19 minutes ago. My clean date is March 2, 2004- I am involed in service work, I work the program of NA, I have a sponsor, I sponsor others and I bet my life on the Program of Narcotics Anonymous. I have a God of my understanding and the understanding allows me to live today.

Peace,
Todd J.

Mastrik

6 months clean, first time really trying so no real relapses (I say real because I've taken a week off here and there but never really tried to quit). 1 white chip, and no relapses yet, my main motivation is the obvious, drugs/alcohol suck. I saw with a quickness what was happening to me and though I didn't hit bottom, I saw it flying up to me (I equate it with jumping out of a plane and seeing the ground coming up and making a decision to pull the chute or not).
I think I stay clean just to spite myself, I've got a relatively large ego and once I put my mind to something I (like a lot of addicts) over obsess over it.

Kahlia

I went into Rehab once and that was it for me....I was sooo sick of myself...addicted to Dilaudid and Morphine....really bad Wd's....I have NEVER relpased ....YEAH....been clean 5 years April 7th.....I am very happy and LIKE me so much better......kahlia

Gooch

Thats a great analogy .. love it.. my standing on the railroad tracks watching the train come is gettin sort of tired..


spite will work.. many a day I didn't use just to **** off all the people taking bets.. lol