Need advise
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: WI
Posts: 1,426
Need advise
Hey SR, Told ya I'd be back someday and I am. I have always missed posting and getting non judgmental advice.
Anyway, my adult children have long histories of addiction that for a long time I either didn't see it or didn't want to see it. One AD went thru IOP and treatment and is sober going on 7 months now. The other AD is on Suboxone. Both girls have that dual diagnosis of addiction and mental illness (depression, bipolar, personality disorder and a few more) you get the picture, they are a handful.
So what's my problem? It's the constant blaming me for their addictions, heck, for anything that goes wrong. Example, there's no ice, they have a headache. Very dumb things to blame on me but the constant daily comments, mostly negative towards me are taking it's toll on my mind. I don't have much confidence in myself anymore, I feel hopeless and I cry more than I or anyone ever should. Maybe I'm weak but I just would like some advice on how other parents of addicts, sober or using, ignore and not let these painful comments control them so much.
Yes one works, yes one lives with me, my Dr. knows of the manipulation and has offered meds to me but I got headaches and nightmares from them.
They are too big to ground, if I ignore their texts they have a fit and start calling their father and he gets worried.
I attend meeting for friends and family members of addicts, every Tuesday.
I've trIed to ignore them. There's suicide in their histories, so I tend to not ignore them most of the time.
I feel like I am addicted to my ADs and their endless problems.
I am basically shunned by many of my friends because of all the trouble my girls have caused.
My parents are old but do understand and are supportive.
My husband is supportive but has asked me not to cry and acts like a referee.
Any suggestions I would welcome.
I'm glad I'm back and I hope and pray someone will see this soon.
TF
Anyway, my adult children have long histories of addiction that for a long time I either didn't see it or didn't want to see it. One AD went thru IOP and treatment and is sober going on 7 months now. The other AD is on Suboxone. Both girls have that dual diagnosis of addiction and mental illness (depression, bipolar, personality disorder and a few more) you get the picture, they are a handful.
So what's my problem? It's the constant blaming me for their addictions, heck, for anything that goes wrong. Example, there's no ice, they have a headache. Very dumb things to blame on me but the constant daily comments, mostly negative towards me are taking it's toll on my mind. I don't have much confidence in myself anymore, I feel hopeless and I cry more than I or anyone ever should. Maybe I'm weak but I just would like some advice on how other parents of addicts, sober or using, ignore and not let these painful comments control them so much.
Yes one works, yes one lives with me, my Dr. knows of the manipulation and has offered meds to me but I got headaches and nightmares from them.
They are too big to ground, if I ignore their texts they have a fit and start calling their father and he gets worried.
I attend meeting for friends and family members of addicts, every Tuesday.
I've trIed to ignore them. There's suicide in their histories, so I tend to not ignore them most of the time.
I feel like I am addicted to my ADs and their endless problems.
I am basically shunned by many of my friends because of all the trouble my girls have caused.
My parents are old but do understand and are supportive.
My husband is supportive but has asked me not to cry and acts like a referee.
Any suggestions I would welcome.
I'm glad I'm back and I hope and pray someone will see this soon.
TF
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: WI
Posts: 1,426
Hi Dee! How have you been? Missed you!
The village I live in cancelled the alanon meeting which follows the Friends and Family meeting that I go to because they said it was low attendance. The meeting I do go to does help, F2F is always good for me. I just thought I could get some much needed advice for other parents or friends from SR. I value my sanity and want to keep it intact. Maybe this is all normal, what I'm feeling, but I don't like it nor do I want to live like I'm damaged.
TF
The village I live in cancelled the alanon meeting which follows the Friends and Family meeting that I go to because they said it was low attendance. The meeting I do go to does help, F2F is always good for me. I just thought I could get some much needed advice for other parents or friends from SR. I value my sanity and want to keep it intact. Maybe this is all normal, what I'm feeling, but I don't like it nor do I want to live like I'm damaged.
TF
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Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: New Mexico
Posts: 46
You should try some online assertiveness exercises. Your kids might benefit more if you can stand up to them. I saw some Japanese restaurant on TV where stressed-out executives pay a hefty sum throw plates against the wall and release some pent-up stress. Maybe you could buy a cheap set of China and throw it against a wall, you will feel better :P
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Somewhere out there
Posts: 2,249
Hi Twofish. Welcome back.
Glad to see the girls are working on their recovery. Have you been seeing a therapist? I couldn't remember. I had trouble sticking up to my mother and she could be mean and hurtful. By doing therapy I learned to stick up for myself and stop the abuse.
I know how hard it can be but for your own sanity it would be good for you to start slowly start telling them you will not tolerate abuse. I learned it doesn't change unless you yourself make that change.
I actually felt great relief sticking up for myself and I found I got more respect from her.
I wish you the best and hope you can look into therapy. It helps so much!
Glad to see the girls are working on their recovery. Have you been seeing a therapist? I couldn't remember. I had trouble sticking up to my mother and she could be mean and hurtful. By doing therapy I learned to stick up for myself and stop the abuse.
I know how hard it can be but for your own sanity it would be good for you to start slowly start telling them you will not tolerate abuse. I learned it doesn't change unless you yourself make that change.
I actually felt great relief sticking up for myself and I found I got more respect from her.
I wish you the best and hope you can look into therapy. It helps so much!
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: WI
Posts: 1,426
Hi Needingabreak!
Glad to hear from you and boy does your name describe my situation with my 2 AD, recovering, but no excuse.
I think you gave me great advice, stop, slowly, tolerating the disrespectfulness, yes that sounds right, so how do I do that besides the obvious? I am not offended, just dumb or ignorant. I didn't get this way overnight so I think I need to relearn how to be in control.
I'm just sooo very happy my ADs are sober, even though one is on Suboxone, she is still sober and I know this because she is drug tested every 2 weeks. She tells me she is sober, but after being lied to a million times, I'm burned and not about to give her full trust...yet.
I also never thought about looking into assertiveness exercises that Raul suggested. I feel like I've been frozen in the past and can't get over that hump of the constant lies and manipulations. Just as it takes time to recover from addiction, trust, also takes time. I have to keep thinking those positive thoughts. Thanks SR, great advice as usual
TF
Glad to hear from you and boy does your name describe my situation with my 2 AD, recovering, but no excuse.
I think you gave me great advice, stop, slowly, tolerating the disrespectfulness, yes that sounds right, so how do I do that besides the obvious? I am not offended, just dumb or ignorant. I didn't get this way overnight so I think I need to relearn how to be in control.
I'm just sooo very happy my ADs are sober, even though one is on Suboxone, she is still sober and I know this because she is drug tested every 2 weeks. She tells me she is sober, but after being lied to a million times, I'm burned and not about to give her full trust...yet.
I also never thought about looking into assertiveness exercises that Raul suggested. I feel like I've been frozen in the past and can't get over that hump of the constant lies and manipulations. Just as it takes time to recover from addiction, trust, also takes time. I have to keep thinking those positive thoughts. Thanks SR, great advice as usual
TF
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: WI
Posts: 1,426
I think I'm finally getting this, it's a learning process and I guess I take a little more time than others, but who cares, the point is that I'm in charge here not the ADs and if they don't like my new boundaries, no more shocking comments and the "tit for tat" mentality, well they can just go live somewhere else. Yep, I'm proud of myself for finally figuring out a way to deal with this side effect of addiction, The Disease!
TF
TF
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi Twofish
I tend to agree with the advice from Raul88 about assertiveness exercises. I remember you from your previous posts, and the girls have been treating you with disrespect for a long time.
You've had a long time to turn the situation around, but possibly you don't have the practical skills? For instance, they have learned that if you ignore them all they have to do it ratchet up the pressure and you'll cave. It's not as if you're happy with the situation, but appear to be trapped in it. You're going to get lots of good advice, and you'll agree with it, but how do you put it into practice?
Learning practical assertiveness skills might be the way to go. You can Google books on it, see a therapist or go do online exercises. It teaches you through scripted examples how to respond to bullying or people who take advantage of you. Then you get to use it in real life.
I tend to agree with the advice from Raul88 about assertiveness exercises. I remember you from your previous posts, and the girls have been treating you with disrespect for a long time.
You've had a long time to turn the situation around, but possibly you don't have the practical skills? For instance, they have learned that if you ignore them all they have to do it ratchet up the pressure and you'll cave. It's not as if you're happy with the situation, but appear to be trapped in it. You're going to get lots of good advice, and you'll agree with it, but how do you put it into practice?
Learning practical assertiveness skills might be the way to go. You can Google books on it, see a therapist or go do online exercises. It teaches you through scripted examples how to respond to bullying or people who take advantage of you. Then you get to use it in real life.
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: WI
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Hi FeelingGreat,
You're right, I feel trapped. This is going to stop. "I" am going to stop reacting. Set a few verbal boundaries, sit back and watch what fireworks appear, remind them of the verbal boundaries and the consequences if they're broken. Yes. Finally, right SR? I'm ready to stop being trapped. They will not like this, but I will. Will let you know who is crying now...
TF
You're right, I feel trapped. This is going to stop. "I" am going to stop reacting. Set a few verbal boundaries, sit back and watch what fireworks appear, remind them of the verbal boundaries and the consequences if they're broken. Yes. Finally, right SR? I'm ready to stop being trapped. They will not like this, but I will. Will let you know who is crying now...
TF
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: North salt lake
Posts: 3,325
This post interests me for different reasons. My mom blames my addiction on her. I wouldn't be an addict if she had not done "something" wrong. My dad has said the same thing to me. I understand how it feels like a stab in the heart when your girls say it to you, and when my parents say it to me. Prayers to you. Good to see you again.
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: WI
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Hi Raider! You have been through tons too, I've followed your threads and posts. Yes, the guilt can't help but be there, not only genetically but biologically as well. My mind wonders did I do something or expose myself to something harmful whilst pregnant? Or is there something in the gene pool that surfaced in my ADs?? No, of course not...I didn't cause this to happen nor can I cure or fix it for them. Just can't help think it. As long as my mind remembers that, daily, it's their addictive voice within them that is cruel and manipulative. They suffer emotionally, as much as I do. Don't antagonize that AV, it doesn't care who you are, I am mom, and mom is safe. I am hearing a few "I'm sorry" coming from them as the disease gets weaker and my ADs get stronger. Especially the younger AD. Support seems to be key here, not only for them but for myself too. And yes...that heart stabbing does hurt. Thanks for your support Raider!
TF
TF
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Join Date: Jul 2013
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Well, can you believe this!! I asked one of my daughters to leave our home. She was triggering painful thoughts in the younger RAD and upsetting all. So I asked, no told her to leave. She was shocked, but she crossed a verbal boundary and has to face the music. Tough love is hard for me to do, but I did it and I didn't feel bad about her leaving.
The home is quiet now. She is out there and I hope she is thinking hard about what she said and did to the family, again.
TF
The home is quiet now. She is out there and I hope she is thinking hard about what she said and did to the family, again.
TF
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Location: USA
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Twofish, I think about you often. It is good to see you.
I made a big turn over when I started going to counseling with a psychiatrist who specializes in addiction. It made a huge difference, for me. It helped me to see what was manipulation, what was not. It helped me to see who I want to be and what goals I needed to have to get myself there.
Big hugs. Glad to see you here, we have missed you!
I made a big turn over when I started going to counseling with a psychiatrist who specializes in addiction. It made a huge difference, for me. It helped me to see what was manipulation, what was not. It helped me to see who I want to be and what goals I needed to have to get myself there.
Big hugs. Glad to see you here, we have missed you!
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: WI
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Hi everyone,
Well I have an answer for all of you that care about me and my family.
My older recovering daughter, the one whom has caused the grief and and arguments in the family just told me...she just found out...that she is expecting a baby. Another bomb but a happy one. She and her boyfriend are excited and this is a loved baby. She is about 4 months along and never knew it.
So how do I feel? How much more "surprises" can this mom cram into her already overwhelming mind? I'm in shock, but feel ok about it. My first grandchild...I haven't even told my husband, I haven't even told anyone except you, my SR family. I'm afraid for her, there's so much going thru my head right now...they switched her to Subatex and is this safe? She says it is. I just feel like crying, and i don't know why? I pray everything will be alright. I feel guilty now, I had just kicked her out of the house a week ago because she crossed a boundary. I asked her to leave and now I feel horrible. This hopefully won't set me back, I've come so far, so far. I thought I was healthy and strong but I'm crying again and I feel hurt, scared, I don't feel right. I just don't feel right.
Please can someone tell me that this will be ok?
Well I have an answer for all of you that care about me and my family.
My older recovering daughter, the one whom has caused the grief and and arguments in the family just told me...she just found out...that she is expecting a baby. Another bomb but a happy one. She and her boyfriend are excited and this is a loved baby. She is about 4 months along and never knew it.
So how do I feel? How much more "surprises" can this mom cram into her already overwhelming mind? I'm in shock, but feel ok about it. My first grandchild...I haven't even told my husband, I haven't even told anyone except you, my SR family. I'm afraid for her, there's so much going thru my head right now...they switched her to Subatex and is this safe? She says it is. I just feel like crying, and i don't know why? I pray everything will be alright. I feel guilty now, I had just kicked her out of the house a week ago because she crossed a boundary. I asked her to leave and now I feel horrible. This hopefully won't set me back, I've come so far, so far. I thought I was healthy and strong but I'm crying again and I feel hurt, scared, I don't feel right. I just don't feel right.
Please can someone tell me that this will be ok?
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: WI
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My Dear Friends at SR,
Thought I'd bring you all another update on my daughter, the older RAD(23).
As I said 2 weeks or so ago, she found herself pregnant, she is 17 weeks along now.
Has this tiny life growing inside her, alive and thriving, changed the addiction and that ever so loud addictive voice that screams within her mind?
The selfishness has changed. No longer does she preach, ME, ME, ME! She is saying, HIM, HIM, HIM. Which surprises me in the fact that I haven't heard this kind of caring for another person in a very long time. Her Support, therapy, Suboxone, and now the life growing inside her fragile body has changed her thinking. For now anyway, and we are taking this one second at a time.
I'm not fooled that the addiction "went away" at all. What I am saying is she has the tools and the desire to be sober and to care about another human being besides herself.
I pray to my God, whom I have given the burden of this young addicts care, every night. Asking Him to look after her in a way that I am unable to. To control something way beyond my control. To love her the way she deserves to be loved in a way she alone can understand.
Yes, I gave this to God to help me understand what addiction and recovery will bring.
And I pray for the unborn child. Both my daughter and her unborn son are in His capable and loving hands. And I pray for us mommas...who are just trying to breathe.
Take care SR friends and Family,
TF
Thought I'd bring you all another update on my daughter, the older RAD(23).
As I said 2 weeks or so ago, she found herself pregnant, she is 17 weeks along now.
Has this tiny life growing inside her, alive and thriving, changed the addiction and that ever so loud addictive voice that screams within her mind?
The selfishness has changed. No longer does she preach, ME, ME, ME! She is saying, HIM, HIM, HIM. Which surprises me in the fact that I haven't heard this kind of caring for another person in a very long time. Her Support, therapy, Suboxone, and now the life growing inside her fragile body has changed her thinking. For now anyway, and we are taking this one second at a time.
I'm not fooled that the addiction "went away" at all. What I am saying is she has the tools and the desire to be sober and to care about another human being besides herself.
I pray to my God, whom I have given the burden of this young addicts care, every night. Asking Him to look after her in a way that I am unable to. To control something way beyond my control. To love her the way she deserves to be loved in a way she alone can understand.
Yes, I gave this to God to help me understand what addiction and recovery will bring.
And I pray for the unborn child. Both my daughter and her unborn son are in His capable and loving hands. And I pray for us mommas...who are just trying to breathe.
Take care SR friends and Family,
TF
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