Time to end this nonsense
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 156
Time to end this nonsense
The bottom line is that I am addicted to Xanax / Klonopin and and alcohol.
For my entire adult life, I have suffered from soul-crippling anxiety and panic attacks.
I split my time between Boston and Tokyo. I was in Tokyo during the 3/11 earthquake / tsunami / nuclear meltdown. That was the start of my descent into total madness and panic.
I do not know how to heal. I abuse my medications. I abuse alcohol.
Any kind, non-judgmental, helpful words would be very much appreciated.
For my entire adult life, I have suffered from soul-crippling anxiety and panic attacks.
I split my time between Boston and Tokyo. I was in Tokyo during the 3/11 earthquake / tsunami / nuclear meltdown. That was the start of my descent into total madness and panic.
I do not know how to heal. I abuse my medications. I abuse alcohol.
Any kind, non-judgmental, helpful words would be very much appreciated.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
kabu, what I was referring to is reading through the threads and even reading through the stickies at the top of the forum. theres a LOT of wisdom and information from people in those threads and stickies
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,444
Have you had any counselling Kabukicho?
Events like the ones you describe can be enormously troubling for a long time after.
Counselling may also help you deal with your addictions, your belief that you need your addictions, and your self medication too?
D
Events like the ones you describe can be enormously troubling for a long time after.
Counselling may also help you deal with your addictions, your belief that you need your addictions, and your self medication too?
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 156
I have had endless amounts of counseling. I felt that my counselors did not understand my condition.
The anxiety and insomnia and dysphoria that accompany a traumatic event are very difficult for an "outsider" to understand. In Tokyo, during the earthquake, I truly thought that I was going to die. I remember thinking, quite clearly, as the windows shattered around me and as the power-lines collapsed and as the people screamed and ran into the street, "Oh, this is how it ends. This is how people die."
I felt like an ant. I realized that my life is as meaningless as an ant's. And that was truly terrifying.
The anxiety and insomnia and dysphoria that accompany a traumatic event are very difficult for an "outsider" to understand. In Tokyo, during the earthquake, I truly thought that I was going to die. I remember thinking, quite clearly, as the windows shattered around me and as the power-lines collapsed and as the people screamed and ran into the street, "Oh, this is how it ends. This is how people die."
I felt like an ant. I realized that my life is as meaningless as an ant's. And that was truly terrifying.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,444
I can understand how terrifying that must be. I've experience cyclones and floods but nothing like that.
Sometimes we have to search a while before we find someone who we can really connect with and who can help - if we;re honest with them about the scope of our problem they should, if not understand, they should know what it is we need.
I hope you will keep searching
D
Sometimes we have to search a while before we find someone who we can really connect with and who can help - if we;re honest with them about the scope of our problem they should, if not understand, they should know what it is we need.
I hope you will keep searching
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 156
I am crying. I am truly crying. And that does not happen to me frequently.
The earthquake and the subsequent evacuation from Tokyo was so terrifying. I couldn't sleep for weeks.
I think I have PTSD. I am scared. The world is inherently unmanageable. Life ends in death. Life ends in total oblivion. Young people experience it. Old people experience it. There is no answer. Life is an unsolvable puzzle.
The earthquake and the subsequent evacuation from Tokyo was so terrifying. I couldn't sleep for weeks.
I think I have PTSD. I am scared. The world is inherently unmanageable. Life ends in death. Life ends in total oblivion. Young people experience it. Old people experience it. There is no answer. Life is an unsolvable puzzle.
Its a cold and its a broken hallelujah.
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 2,887
The VAST majority of us are survivors of severe traumas like you explain. Everyone of us has our crosses that we bore and attempted to numb via chemicals.
It works.
Until it no longer does.
My PTSD relegated me homebound for almost two years. "Homebound" as in raging agoraphobia. Couldn't even walk down the driveway. Not exaggerating.
I drank and drugged right through those years. Made it bearable but unbearable.
I was young too. Late 20's. Oh the horrors I've witnessed...
I was therapized since I was 16. Nothing really worked. Because all through it, I was drinking. So it was a zero sum game. Didn't matter how much therapy I went to. I sabotaged the progress because the alcohol exacerbated the anxiety.
I thought it was helping. Who knew ?
I found a hypnotherapist that worked through the subconscious damage. It took a year.
And I found SR. And stayed close . Asked a million questions. Even the tough ones. And felt like my hand was bring held, constantly, over the last 7 months. And when you know better, you start to do better. And slowly the fog started to lift. And I started to understand that life isn't a punishment. It's a gift in strange wrapping ...
You CAN do this Kab.
No one will promise that it will be easy. Only worth it.
Lean on us.
It works.
Until it no longer does.
My PTSD relegated me homebound for almost two years. "Homebound" as in raging agoraphobia. Couldn't even walk down the driveway. Not exaggerating.
I drank and drugged right through those years. Made it bearable but unbearable.
I was young too. Late 20's. Oh the horrors I've witnessed...
I was therapized since I was 16. Nothing really worked. Because all through it, I was drinking. So it was a zero sum game. Didn't matter how much therapy I went to. I sabotaged the progress because the alcohol exacerbated the anxiety.
I thought it was helping. Who knew ?
I found a hypnotherapist that worked through the subconscious damage. It took a year.
And I found SR. And stayed close . Asked a million questions. Even the tough ones. And felt like my hand was bring held, constantly, over the last 7 months. And when you know better, you start to do better. And slowly the fog started to lift. And I started to understand that life isn't a punishment. It's a gift in strange wrapping ...
You CAN do this Kab.
No one will promise that it will be easy. Only worth it.
Lean on us.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 156
The earthquake. It was so terrifying.
I''m sorry to be a bother, but I have to get this out of my system.
Everyone was carrying on as if life was normal. School children were going to class. People at my office were typing away on their computers as if nothing had happened.
For me, personally, I was having constant panic attacks. The "phantom earthquakes" that I experienced were constantly terrifying.
And then the nuclear meltdown. And then the evacuation (My bosses told me to leave Tokyo until the situation settled down.)
It was so disempowering. It felt like I was a meaningless drone in a society / workplace that demanded my continual work. I was so frightened.
I can't believe that I am admitting to this. But it's true. I just wasn't strong enough.
Again, I say, I couldn't sleep without the sweet balm of alcohol. I could barely live.
I didn't (can't) understand how "normal" people can undergo such trauma and carry on.
I have carried this burden for so long.
I''m sorry to be a bother, but I have to get this out of my system.
Everyone was carrying on as if life was normal. School children were going to class. People at my office were typing away on their computers as if nothing had happened.
For me, personally, I was having constant panic attacks. The "phantom earthquakes" that I experienced were constantly terrifying.
And then the nuclear meltdown. And then the evacuation (My bosses told me to leave Tokyo until the situation settled down.)
It was so disempowering. It felt like I was a meaningless drone in a society / workplace that demanded my continual work. I was so frightened.
I can't believe that I am admitting to this. But it's true. I just wasn't strong enough.
Again, I say, I couldn't sleep without the sweet balm of alcohol. I could barely live.
I didn't (can't) understand how "normal" people can undergo such trauma and carry on.
I have carried this burden for so long.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Gulf Coast, Florida USA
Posts: 5,731
I am sorry you went through that kab. I have not walked a mile in your shoes I can only imagine how devastating that was. I just hope you take the suggestions of those here. They are trying to lead you to the help you need.
God Bless
God Bless
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 156
It was so devastating. To have your sense of youthful immortality ripped away from you suddenly.
I am crying. Thank you so much for your support. Your kind words are indescribably helpful.
I think I have PTSD from that earthquake.
I will conquer it. I will move on. I will fight my mental illness with all the strength I have left in me. That is my only hope.
I am crying. Thank you so much for your support. Your kind words are indescribably helpful.
I think I have PTSD from that earthquake.
I will conquer it. I will move on. I will fight my mental illness with all the strength I have left in me. That is my only hope.
Its a cold and its a broken hallelujah.
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 2,887
Yes. Youthful immortality ripped away indeed. I call it my before and after moment.
Life, as I knew it, would never ever ever be the same.
I'd witnessed too much. And I spent the next, oh, 25 years trying to stop the torture in my head.
You know what finally worked ?
Facing it. Being willing to go back to all the trauma in hypnotherapy and relive it. In order to change not the outcome, but MY RESPONSE to the outcome.
The only way out. Is through.
Life, as I knew it, would never ever ever be the same.
I'd witnessed too much. And I spent the next, oh, 25 years trying to stop the torture in my head.
You know what finally worked ?
Facing it. Being willing to go back to all the trauma in hypnotherapy and relive it. In order to change not the outcome, but MY RESPONSE to the outcome.
The only way out. Is through.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 3,359
Kab I understand. I was not in Tokyo but have been in natural disasters. I understand the fragility of life. Held my friends neck together while he bled out... Being caught in an avalanche. I have PTSD from being raped when I was six. It's why I hated myself for so long. I repressed the memories and then a drug overdose where I died brought them back again. So I tried my best to kill myself through more drugs and alcohol for 2 1/2 hard years. Almost succeeded and just gave up and threw in the towel. I did not want to die but did not want to live and a friend helped me change my life. That was eight months ago.
The one thing I can guarantee you is the elevator your on only goes down. More drugs and booze the lower your floor will be. You can get off whenever you want. You are going to have to deal with the PTSD and other issues but cannot deal while active.
Stick around.
The one thing I can guarantee you is the elevator your on only goes down. More drugs and booze the lower your floor will be. You can get off whenever you want. You are going to have to deal with the PTSD and other issues but cannot deal while active.
Stick around.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Gulf Coast, Florida USA
Posts: 5,731
kab, I think it is good you posted in this mental health Forum. Now you are getting to what is behind the escaping through alcohol and drugs.
Now we are beginning to understand where you are coming from. Hopefully this forum will encourage you to treat these issues that you are escaping from.
The PTSD, Anxiety etc.
God Bless!
Now we are beginning to understand where you are coming from. Hopefully this forum will encourage you to treat these issues that you are escaping from.
The PTSD, Anxiety etc.
God Bless!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Nutmegger
Posts: 1,799
I lived through 9/11 and watched the spouses, children and parents of the friends that I lost deal with having to rebuild their lives. It is very hard to talk about even today.
I do know that none of them did it alone, and it took time. Grief groups and counseling helped many people learn to put one foot in front of each other.
Finding a therapist who is trained in PTSD could be an important step for you now. What you are seeing as short term relief is actually compounding the issue. You don't have to do this alone.
I do know that none of them did it alone, and it took time. Grief groups and counseling helped many people learn to put one foot in front of each other.
Finding a therapist who is trained in PTSD could be an important step for you now. What you are seeing as short term relief is actually compounding the issue. You don't have to do this alone.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Western Washington
Posts: 202
Kabukicho--regarding counseling (I am a mental health counselor): there are LOTS of different approaches--some more effective than others. Also, it's important to have a counselor you really trust and connect with--which sounds like hasn't happened for you yet. I would encourage you to keep trying.
Trauma-focused cognitive behavioral therapy (TF-CBT) in particular has been shown to be helpful for trauma survivors such as yourself. It might be wise to look for someone who specializes in this work. Ideally, someone experienced with "dual diagnosis" (substance abuse & mental health together.)
Best wishes to you in your journey.
Trauma-focused cognitive behavioral therapy (TF-CBT) in particular has been shown to be helpful for trauma survivors such as yourself. It might be wise to look for someone who specializes in this work. Ideally, someone experienced with "dual diagnosis" (substance abuse & mental health together.)
Best wishes to you in your journey.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
