RocketQueen

At 14 months sober, I've redeveloped a trait that I absolutely hated during my active addiction - irrational thoughts and paranoia. It went away for a year, but has now come back in full force. I seem to be twisting every single thing that someone says to me into suggestions of patheticness, hate and disgust. Of course, in the moment I react and then a few hours later it clicks and I realise that they weren't actually attacking me at all. Cue the guilty feelings and embarrassment. Do you think this could be a result of my anxiety and depression getting worse? Any suggestions on how I can stop getting my knickers in a knot before I destroy what few friendships I have left? I got myself in an extremely unpleasant situation because of it and if I can't talk my way out of it, I don't know what I will do.

Hammer

Are you in any sort of "Program?"

for example -- AA, CR, a local center?

Just asking because that is sort of what they deal with in the Long Term issues.

You are correct, it IS very hard on the relationships. Mrs. Hammer has been pretty much going through what you have described for the past 15 months since Rehab.

Most of her "behaviors" (is that kind enough?) have been directed towards me, which is far better than the kids . . . . but she has also been some therapy and some AA support type stuff.

But as far as the way out . . . most of all, just apologize, maybe explain (not an excuse, just an explanation) what you are going through, try to make things right as you can. Most folks will be good with that.

But if you do consider or are part of a 12 step program -- that stuff is all covered in Steps 4 through 10.

RobbyRobot

When we react defensively, we usually consider fight or flight scenarios as our immediate options for reaction. Neither of these options is useful if our determinations are based on paranoia and irrational ideations. Its never fun sorting out delusions. I'm more for just dumping the whole puzzle process, if I already know I'm being or been delusional. Focusing my awareness on what I know is real, rather then trying to understand why I'm being defensive over whatever projection, such focusing is a much more productive way forward for me to respond rather then react to whatever.

Reasoned response gives me opportunity to be mindful of the situation, and to be present in the moment. I can be more relaxed and feel more sure of my appreciation when my awareness is not wasted chasing down irrational projections.

In my early sobriety, I did well when I journaled simplistic realizations of who I trusted, why I trusted them, and my responsibilities to our relationship. Seeing my convictions in print by my own hand went a long way in strengthening my resolve to be reasonable and attentive to others.

Anxiety is not our friend, lol. I don't have any use for it. Fear is useful, anxiety is not, because all anxiety is based on surreal projections anyways. Fear though is a reasonable and healthy physiological emotional response that can eventually be skillfully moderated. Separating our anxieties from our fears is not always easy, but really helps us determine how to respond rather than react.

Ego for me is I. When I feel disgust, hate, and so on... I'm feeling "me" in ways that offer me little opportunity to be at my best. I haven't forgotten how to hate myself, and I most likely never will. There was a time when others inter-actions with me were all mixed into my rants, and nothing good comes from that, goes without saying. Here again my re-learning what I really "know for real" has helped me skillfully choose my battles.

I think your on the right track when you talk about your anxiety and depression may be getting worse. I wouldn't look at it as "getting worse" though exactly, just more that your issues with anxiety and depression may do well to be re-visited in light of your new sober lifestyle. I don't know your backstory, but its obvious to me that your intuitive and insightful to your challenges. You also clearly want to be more responsible in your behaviors, and this then means you already appreciate your not maximising your resources and opportunities. I would suggest not being at your best is causing your anger to reactively flare up, and these flare ups ignite into cosmic meltdowns. How has anger played out for you in the last 14 months? Do you carry anger? Can you resolve anger challenges proactively and be satisfied with your actions? Can you backtrack your anger to its original source? These kinds of questions are food for thought.

I always see the glass as half-full. Half-empty worry's me to no end, lol. For me, just being positive and determined to make lemonade from life's lemons was itself an amazing turnaround from my former drinking lifestyle into my present sober lifestyle. Getting sober really forced me to change up my game and re-learn how to be all I can be. I wouldn't be surprised if your finding at 14 months that change is being somewhat forced. I don't really know for you, but sometimes change is unknowingly resisted even though we think were not for most of us when past that first year.

I hope your able to take something from my share. Take it easy. Be good to YOU.