Did "tough love" work for you?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 146
Did "tough love" work for you?
I'm really thinking about this for my brother addicted to herion and God knows what else he's into. Does cutting ties actually work? I know he can only save himself and want to ask does it have any effect on wheather he will get serious about cleaning up his act.
I read theres a lot of controversey on this that it may make the problem worse and negatively affect our relationship.
I read theres a lot of controversey on this that it may make the problem worse and negatively affect our relationship.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 462
there are a lot of family members in this group who will help you answer this question. i hope your brother can see the problem himself and want to change. but from the info i have seen here its going to be a long road for you and him.
good luck.
good luck.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: NJ
Posts: 594
Good topic sarahbear!
For me, in the begining, I was way too selfcentered to appreciate tough love. It works now. My sponcor is always calling me out on bad behavior. Today I can look at the advice through different eyes. I can see love there instead of an attack.
But, to answer your question, no. I would run from tough love. I got very resentful of people who tried. I would put an immediate wall up, and wouldn't even give the advice a chance. Took a lot of time and growth in my recovery to embrace people as they are. I wish you lots of luck with your brother. I have one too, and love him dearly. He is also an alcoholic(active). What i am doing is hoping he sees the change in me now. Living through example.
For me, in the begining, I was way too selfcentered to appreciate tough love. It works now. My sponcor is always calling me out on bad behavior. Today I can look at the advice through different eyes. I can see love there instead of an attack.
But, to answer your question, no. I would run from tough love. I got very resentful of people who tried. I would put an immediate wall up, and wouldn't even give the advice a chance. Took a lot of time and growth in my recovery to embrace people as they are. I wish you lots of luck with your brother. I have one too, and love him dearly. He is also an alcoholic(active). What i am doing is hoping he sees the change in me now. Living through example.
Let go and Let God!
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Ohio
Posts: 352
Sarahbear, I feel for you. I am reaching out to you as a recovering addict and a sister of an addict still using. My Mom did the tough love thing with me. At the time I was mad and swore I would never talk to her again. Now, I thank her for what she did. When I needed help and wanted to get clean the first person I called was my mom.
I can't cut ties with my brother. I think because I know there is a chance he can die from this. I am only around him when I know he won't be using. I only call him when I know he just got up. I tell him whenever he is ready to get clean I am here for him.
I pray for my brother every day.
I can't cut ties with my brother. I think because I know there is a chance he can die from this. I am only around him when I know he won't be using. I only call him when I know he just got up. I tell him whenever he is ready to get clean I am here for him.
I pray for my brother every day.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Greensboro, NC
Posts: 683
All it took for me was my wife telling me that she did not want to be married to a person with an addiction problem... 'Nuff said! I wasn't going to lose my marriage to a pill. My wife is that important to me!
THat's just me though. I can understand how others in deep addiction may not see the world the same way I do. For some people, the high, or the chase of that high is more important than anything else. For those that are deep into the rabbit hole, the must have to find the bottom before they are willing to climb right back out of it. Having an enabler is the worse thing for them.
THat's just me though. I can understand how others in deep addiction may not see the world the same way I do. For some people, the high, or the chase of that high is more important than anything else. For those that are deep into the rabbit hole, the must have to find the bottom before they are willing to climb right back out of it. Having an enabler is the worse thing for them.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Chicago
Posts: 1,125
No one way works for all people, but from my experience it works much better than enabling. I think if it is their first time around giving them the benefit of the doubt and offering support is not a bad thing (support and enabling are obviously two very different things). If support does not work as they say detach with love. Sure it could work out bad, but if you tried the support route and that did not work then continuing to do it can quickly turn into enabling. It was not until I was faced with being out on the street not able to see my kids and the possibility of divorce hovering over me that I finally found real recovery. I hope your brother gets it before it is too late.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: NJ
Posts: 66
My family was extremely abusive to me my whole life, and that included anger, embarassment, complete humiliation, neglecting my needs, never teaching me to stand up for myself, cutting me down constantly, constant comparison to others, not giving me a voice, lack of support, lack of caring what I wanted out of life, forcing a square peg into a round hole, and dominating my beliefs and needs at every turn, which spilled into every area of my life which led me to extreme depression then substances then alcohol.
Tough love, or, abusive love actually, was what got me there in the first place.
After finally fighting back for my life and dignity against every abusive act, putting the fear of God in them the way they always did to me, they finally backed off, they finally understood, and true healing began.
Not everyone is the same, I can only claim truth in my story.
Tough love, or, abusive love actually, was what got me there in the first place.
After finally fighting back for my life and dignity against every abusive act, putting the fear of God in them the way they always did to me, they finally backed off, they finally understood, and true healing began.
Not everyone is the same, I can only claim truth in my story.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 462
tough love is not abusive love Keepstrong. they are different. your family sounds like a very abusive, dysfunctional, and toxic group of people and you have every right to be angry about the treatment you received from them.
tough love is about setting boundaries and consequences. its about being fair and just and protecting yourself when you can see that the person you are dealing with is not someone who will respect you and consider your feelings and wants. but its also about compassion and allowing someone to make their own mistakes and deal with the consequences without being cruel towards them. tough love just means being tough, but still loving.
tough love is about setting boundaries and consequences. its about being fair and just and protecting yourself when you can see that the person you are dealing with is not someone who will respect you and consider your feelings and wants. but its also about compassion and allowing someone to make their own mistakes and deal with the consequences without being cruel towards them. tough love just means being tough, but still loving.
Grateful to be free
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Arizona
Posts: 3,680
It was my own tough love towards myself that "worked". Nothing anyone did from the outside got me clean. One day I decided I cared too much about myself to tolerate that self destructive way of life.
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Missouri
Posts: 3
Originally Posted by Threshold 
It was my own tough love towards myself that "worked". Nothing anyone did from the outside got me clean. One day I decided I cared too much about myself to tolerate that self destructive way of life.
I felt the same way, Keepstrong.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 462
i guess though, tough love isn't about "fixing" the other person, its about protecting yourself and your boundaries. the addict still has to do the hard work of sorting out their problems in their own way. but I'm sure when their support/enabling system has been removed suddenly they would be angry and hurt and alone. and see it not for what it is, someone putting up boundaries and sticking to them.
a bit like someone said in a different thread, that her dad had told her from the start that if she gets into trouble with the law don't call him for he isn't interested in bailing her out. she will have sort out her problems herself. clear boundaries yes. abusive no. protecting himself yes. making the person responsible for their own actions yes. but I'm sure there are some not so healthy ways that people disguise abuse and call it "tough love".
a bit like someone said in a different thread, that her dad had told her from the start that if she gets into trouble with the law don't call him for he isn't interested in bailing her out. she will have sort out her problems herself. clear boundaries yes. abusive no. protecting himself yes. making the person responsible for their own actions yes. but I'm sure there are some not so healthy ways that people disguise abuse and call it "tough love".
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,927
From my experience, thinking at first I was doing the right thing and turning to "tough love" was a huge mistake, and I think it almost cost me my marriage. He ended up thinking that I really did not like him, and did not want to be with him, and that I found him sick and distgusting, because at the time he couldnt seperate out what the drugs were doing to change him.
He was still working at a good job and making good money, he was being responsible and paying the bills, he just wanted to get high in his spare time adn be with his buddies. he just didnt see it, and I stomped around that I wasnt going to put up with this and that, and it just made him pull away in defiance. And the thing is we had a great marriage, best friend type relationship, and had been married 3 years, and together for 5 years.
I think he would have been much more open to treatment, or to the self -realization of what the drugs were doing if I had approached things differently and let him know that he did have my love and support.
I couldnt make him stop if he didnt want to of course, but I am certain that in our situation, I made things worse for both of us. And now I have to deal with my guilt in all of that.
Fortunately, he is in treatment & we are working out our issues. I think we have a really good chance of being ok, but if i could go back I would change my attitude in the beginning maybe not a full 180, but like a 120 degrees.
I read all that tough love on the family forum, and some of the people are all for it. But then a lot of them have not seen or heard from their loved one in 4,6,8 years. To me it is really sad. I think it is basically done when the family member says they cant take any more and they are out regardless of what happens. In some cases where there are small children exposed to erratic behavior, or whenever there is violence then I can see it as necessary, but otherwise I vote no.
He was still working at a good job and making good money, he was being responsible and paying the bills, he just wanted to get high in his spare time adn be with his buddies. he just didnt see it, and I stomped around that I wasnt going to put up with this and that, and it just made him pull away in defiance. And the thing is we had a great marriage, best friend type relationship, and had been married 3 years, and together for 5 years.
I think he would have been much more open to treatment, or to the self -realization of what the drugs were doing if I had approached things differently and let him know that he did have my love and support.
I couldnt make him stop if he didnt want to of course, but I am certain that in our situation, I made things worse for both of us. And now I have to deal with my guilt in all of that.
Fortunately, he is in treatment & we are working out our issues. I think we have a really good chance of being ok, but if i could go back I would change my attitude in the beginning maybe not a full 180, but like a 120 degrees.
I read all that tough love on the family forum, and some of the people are all for it. But then a lot of them have not seen or heard from their loved one in 4,6,8 years. To me it is really sad. I think it is basically done when the family member says they cant take any more and they are out regardless of what happens. In some cases where there are small children exposed to erratic behavior, or whenever there is violence then I can see it as necessary, but otherwise I vote no.
TheMostSordidSpotOnEarth
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: ParadiseOnEarth
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 146
Originally Posted by Jody675
i guess though, tough love isn't about "fixing" the other person, its about protecting yourself and your boundaries. the addict still has to do the hard work of sorting out their problems in their own way. but I'm sure when their support/enabling system has been removed suddenly they would be angry and hurt and alone. and see it not for what it is, someone putting up boundaries and sticking to them.
a bit like someone said in a different thread, that her dad had told her from the start that if she gets into trouble with the law don't call him for he isn't interested in bailing her out. she will have sort out her problems herself. clear boundaries yes. abusive no. protecting himself yes. making the person responsible for their own actions yes. but I'm sure there are some not so healthy ways that people disguise abuse and call it "tough love".
a bit like someone said in a different thread, that her dad had told her from the start that if she gets into trouble with the law don't call him for he isn't interested in bailing her out. she will have sort out her problems herself. clear boundaries yes. abusive no. protecting himself yes. making the person responsible for their own actions yes. but I'm sure there are some not so healthy ways that people disguise abuse and call it "tough love".
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 462
hindsight would be a useful tool to have.
but when we care about someone then we want to think that we can "make them better if we just tried harder". man i have been so guilty of this for so long. we talk ourselves into what they are doing isn't THAT bad. we make little deal with ourselves then break them. over and over again, until we no longer know who we are or what we want. all we do is about the other person and trying not to upset them.
at the end of the day you have to do what is best for you. you can see what you need to do from this day forward and the changes you can make IN YOU. you CANT CHANGE HIS BEHAVIOUR. you can only change the way you react to it. its not easy to do, and its something you have to learn. but be strong in yourself about what you want and if you know in your heart that you deserve to be treated in a certain way then don't back down. no one is going to fight for you the way you will fight for yourself.
stay strong and keep in touch. you are among friends here.
but when we care about someone then we want to think that we can "make them better if we just tried harder". man i have been so guilty of this for so long. we talk ourselves into what they are doing isn't THAT bad. we make little deal with ourselves then break them. over and over again, until we no longer know who we are or what we want. all we do is about the other person and trying not to upset them.
at the end of the day you have to do what is best for you. you can see what you need to do from this day forward and the changes you can make IN YOU. you CANT CHANGE HIS BEHAVIOUR. you can only change the way you react to it. its not easy to do, and its something you have to learn. but be strong in yourself about what you want and if you know in your heart that you deserve to be treated in a certain way then don't back down. no one is going to fight for you the way you will fight for yourself.
stay strong and keep in touch. you are among friends here.
Not again
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Central NY
Posts: 1,139
All we can do is help, one way or another.
My Mom would never turn me out if I need food,shelter or the washing machine. We (she) suffered through a lot of enabler-name calling. But in the end refusing may have just created more problems, sleeping on the streets never helped anybody.
And Jody said it first, but...tough love is not cut and run, that's abandonment. Tough love can be unconditional love, like that of a parent. It's not giving into manipulation and encouraging the person to do the right thing.
Be Well,
Larry
PS. I was 35 the first time I "went back home", I never felt unwelcomed (aka; it's time to leave) but we all certainly understood it was not permenant and something had to change (me).
My Mom would never turn me out if I need food,shelter or the washing machine. We (she) suffered through a lot of enabler-name calling. But in the end refusing may have just created more problems, sleeping on the streets never helped anybody.
And Jody said it first, but...tough love is not cut and run, that's abandonment. Tough love can be unconditional love, like that of a parent. It's not giving into manipulation and encouraging the person to do the right thing.
Be Well,
Larry
PS. I was 35 the first time I "went back home", I never felt unwelcomed (aka; it's time to leave) but we all certainly understood it was not permenant and something had to change (me).
Your attitude, not your aptitude, will determine your altitude
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Oxnard (The Nard), CA, USA.
Posts: 13,959
Did "tough love" work for you?
Nope, I became more defiant, more persistent that I was going to do as I liked. I stayed sick for a long time. I have no one to blame, it was my choice to use as much dope as I could for as long as I could.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 462
i guess i just played the tough love game with my bf, and they won't thank you for it. i told him my boundaries and he sees it as an ultimatum. this is from someone who is not a drug addict, but from all stories i hear in here, he shows all the signs of someone who has not become emotionally clean (and still uses but obviously just so he have a boys weekend away a few times a year...thats not drug taking). it isn't there to help the addict, its there to help to help you the co-dependent cope. but it will be a long time before they thank you for it. i lost the relationship, but i know it was the right thing for me. clear boundaries, and a loving heart.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Merritt Island, Fl
Posts: 1,164
My Brother was a witness for the prosecution in my last trial that ended in my last Prison sentence, even my Mom stopped accepting the collect calls. I was totally cut off from any help in any monetary way. Eventually my Mom caved in but it took 5 years for the rest of my family to even contact me. 5 sober years. I am truley grateful that my own family finally gave up. Thats what I needed, as an addict I am the best con man on the planet, but that game only works as long as you have someone to con. To this day I have a very strained relationship with my 6 siblings, but I cant expect to fix 30 years of drinking/drugging in 5. Just sayin...
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