Goinginsane101

I feel as though I cannot communicate with family for the thought that my fiancé may get upset or angry. I'm looking for any advice. When I first met him over a year ago I had no idea he was a narcotic user, I've grown to deeply love him and so has my child. I'm the only one that works do most of my $ is spent on street pills to make him happy so I'm not mentally abused. I know it sounds crazy but I do love this man, I need advice on how to cope just like this morning he didn't have a pill And said so many hateful things and also said he was going to leave me. I've never felt so much stress in my life. This addiction is not just his problem anymore its anyone that comes in contact with him especially me. I'm lost I love him so much but this addiction of his is eating away at me and I don't know what to do anymore. I just don't I find myself a nervous wreck and broke constantly trying to support his habit so I'm not flipped out on . I need advice please

dollydo

Welcome, I would consider posting this on the Family & Friends Of Substance Abusers forum, lots of folks there who have and are facing the exact issue(s) that you are.

If you have not read Codependency No More I would suggest that you do. It is a good starting point for you to better understand and resolve your enabling/codependent behavior.

A child should never be exposed to addiction, let alone live with it. Children carry their childhood experiences into adulthood...what kind of example are you setting for your child? How would you feel if this were your daughter who was doing what you are doing...supporting an abusive drug addict.

You have been with him for a very short time, why not get out now....love is an action word...get into action...get your child away from this guy.

Goinginsane101

She knows nothing of his addiction nothing. I thought this was a site to help understand not bash someone. He is more of a father to her than her own is. He does not show his addiction infront of her or near her, and I'd appreciate help not total bashing

Seren

Hello and Welcome to SR!

I'm so sorry for what you are going through. You have found a place where folks do completely understand what you are going through. I have been through the whole 'walking on eggshells' bit with my stepson. It's no fun and is no way to live. Some of the things people say here will sound very harsh to you, but members are sharing with you from their own experiences through years of the pain and fear of living with someone who struggles with addiction.

I'm so sorry that you have to walk on eggshells around your fiance.
I'm so sorry that you seem to feel that you deserve to spend your life paying for someone else's addiction.
I'm sorry that you feel you are responsible for keeping someone else from having a bad day or from freaking out because he does not have drugs.

The sad truth is, your fiance will not change his behavior until he decides to do so. No amount of begging, pleading, cajoling, arguing, or tears will change him. One thing I've learned here and in the face-to-face meetings of Al-Anon is a concept called the 3C's:

I did not Cause the addiction.
I cannot Control the addict.
I cannot Cure the addict.

Something else that others will tell you is to stop paying for his drugs. That is equivalent to buying the bullets for the gun he will use to shoot himself. I know you love this man, and I hope very much he will decide to live a better life for himself. He deserves that....but you, too, deserve a stress-free and happy life.

Make yourself comfortable, read all you can. You truly are among friends and people who know exactly what you are going through.

Hugs, HG

Threshold

Most of the people here are addicts or recovering addicts. If we tell you to run....it's because we know the nature of addiction and the havoc it wreaks.

I mean seriously, if addiction wasn't destroying lives, what would motivate us to get clean?

If we hadn't seen what our addictions did to our loved one's, children included, or experienced it ourselves as kids...why would we be here on a recovery forum?

Sometimes the truth hurts, it's not "bashing" it's the hard simple truth. If you and your child stay you will get pulled under unless this man has chosen to address his addiction and get into recovery.

We DO care.

Please check out the Friends and Families section here, and you will see that the people here understand only too well the nature of addiction and living/loving and addict.

I am sorry for your very real pain, etc. I am a recovering addict with an alcoholic boyfriend. I am not posting out of ignorance, but out of true concern.

KelleyF

First question I would ask is if he had this addiction before you met; how did he obtain the pills without your help? How did it come to be that he relied on you for this? I'm assuming you must have a prescription that he is using from? I think you have several issues going on, but being responsible for obtaining the drugs for him and the stress that is putting on you would be at the top of that list am I correct?