Please help - Drugs in marriage
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 19
Please help - Drugs in marriage
Hey, I have a drug addict wife. I love her soo much am and in a bad position I know what to do but its soo hard. I know that I can do nothing but leave her there is no other way, I am in an evil circle its just soo hard to leave her but the signs have been there to leave and I "we" have tried everything and nothing seems to help. I just need someone to speak to about this because I simply cant anymore. I am broken down and feel dead inside, this week I have not gone a day without getting pulpitations and anxiety attacks. I just cant anymore. I really need some support or something to help me. Any question please feel free to ask. I keep everything bottled inside and am writing this with tears in my eyes and just cant anymore.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: at the beach
Posts: 339
Dear Needhelp777,
welcome to SR. sorry to hear about your circumstances. i am glad you found us, this is a wonderful place for support and it has helped me a lot.
my husband has been using drugs for a while now and i have finally left 9 months ago. we have 3 kids together. i understand what you are going through. it is so hard to just sit there helplessly and watch them destroy themselves. this site and reading a whole lot of anything that i could find on the subject has helped me understand that there is absolutely nothing that i can do to make him stop until he is ready to do so. and even when he is ready, it has to be for himself, not because i have requested or forced it.
it seems that you already have an idea of what is necessary for you to do to start feeling better. i'm not going to tell you what you should do because everyone's situation is different and we all do things at our own pace. only you can determine what is the best course of action for you.
i just merely wanted to welcome you and let you know that we understand and that many of us have been in the similar situation. it seems that you are in a lot of pain as of right now. be patient with yourself and be kind to yourself. you are the only person that you can do something about and only you can take care of yourself.
prayers to you and your family.
welcome to SR. sorry to hear about your circumstances. i am glad you found us, this is a wonderful place for support and it has helped me a lot.
my husband has been using drugs for a while now and i have finally left 9 months ago. we have 3 kids together. i understand what you are going through. it is so hard to just sit there helplessly and watch them destroy themselves. this site and reading a whole lot of anything that i could find on the subject has helped me understand that there is absolutely nothing that i can do to make him stop until he is ready to do so. and even when he is ready, it has to be for himself, not because i have requested or forced it.
it seems that you already have an idea of what is necessary for you to do to start feeling better. i'm not going to tell you what you should do because everyone's situation is different and we all do things at our own pace. only you can determine what is the best course of action for you.
i just merely wanted to welcome you and let you know that we understand and that many of us have been in the similar situation. it seems that you are in a lot of pain as of right now. be patient with yourself and be kind to yourself. you are the only person that you can do something about and only you can take care of yourself.
prayers to you and your family.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 19
Hi Pacific sunrise
Thanks soo much. I am feeling a bit better today after some anti depressant of hers that i took and rescue remedy. It is soo hard because one moment everything is fine and we are happy and then the next it all just goes sideways and i cant blame her because I know it is the stuff but at the same time she keeps telling me to leave her, I am emotionally finished, physically finished and I just cant anymore. I feel dead and have been through it all. She is amazing at the moment but I am not, I have been getting panic attacks since the last time she used 4 days ago and now I am just getting them none stop I cant sleep breathe, she has done nothing wrong but I cant get rid of this. Once agains she said it is the last time. I promise, I promise, I promise time and time over again. I put the divorse papers in front of her when she ordered cocaine and gave her a choice before she started sniffing, it or me and she chose it once again.
She is really and truly amazing but I just cant anymore. I just cant build up the courage to leave her, everything tells me I must all the signs are there. I know the what ifs dont arent there anymore, I dont believe that she will come clean any time soon. The longest she has been clean was for 60 days, the longest time before that was 26 days that she was clean. I can feel the day that she is going to do it sometimes I can feel the night before, I can go on forever chatting about this but I simply dont know how to make that last move to get out!!!!!!!!! I feel I am not strong enough, that if i get out, I will not stay out because that has happened before and I come running back to the same problem and feel worse and worse and I am dead inside.
Thank you soo much for your input, help and your prayers I really find it helps a lot in these tough times.
Thanks soo much. I am feeling a bit better today after some anti depressant of hers that i took and rescue remedy. It is soo hard because one moment everything is fine and we are happy and then the next it all just goes sideways and i cant blame her because I know it is the stuff but at the same time she keeps telling me to leave her, I am emotionally finished, physically finished and I just cant anymore. I feel dead and have been through it all. She is amazing at the moment but I am not, I have been getting panic attacks since the last time she used 4 days ago and now I am just getting them none stop I cant sleep breathe, she has done nothing wrong but I cant get rid of this. Once agains she said it is the last time. I promise, I promise, I promise time and time over again. I put the divorse papers in front of her when she ordered cocaine and gave her a choice before she started sniffing, it or me and she chose it once again.
She is really and truly amazing but I just cant anymore. I just cant build up the courage to leave her, everything tells me I must all the signs are there. I know the what ifs dont arent there anymore, I dont believe that she will come clean any time soon. The longest she has been clean was for 60 days, the longest time before that was 26 days that she was clean. I can feel the day that she is going to do it sometimes I can feel the night before, I can go on forever chatting about this but I simply dont know how to make that last move to get out!!!!!!!!! I feel I am not strong enough, that if i get out, I will not stay out because that has happened before and I come running back to the same problem and feel worse and worse and I am dead inside.
Thank you soo much for your input, help and your prayers I really find it helps a lot in these tough times.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: at the beach
Posts: 339
Needhelp777,
it took me a long time to leave, too, so don't feel bad about having a hard time making the decision. it seems that your wife is not quite ready to really stop using as of right now and it is taking its toll on you. when my husband admitted to me that he was using (and they always make is seem less than what it really is) it turned out that he started before we even got married and i had no idea. but even after finding out, it still took me about 3 more years to actually leave. all of last year we were going back and forth. when i would find out that he was using, i would either leave or tell him not to come back home, but i would eventually give in every time. and after so many tries, it eventually got old to be repeating the same thing over and over.
i am not trying to tell you that you should leave, only you can make that decision. it might be a good idea, though, to try to distance yourself from her use for a little while and see how that feels. what i mean by that is that you don't have to physically leave if you don't want to, but to try focusing a little more on yourself and kind of leaving her to her own devices. she is an adult and should take responsibility for herself. i know that it is easier said than done, but it is worth giving it a try.
cocaine is one of the hardest things to get off of (as i have learned) and it has the highest relapse potential. my husbands drug of choice is also coke (so far as i know).
i can relate to the anxiety of just "knowing" that they are going to use or have used and still won't admit to it. reading your post brings it all back to me, even though i haven't really been actively dealing with it for quite some time.
stay stong. sending you encouragement and prayers.
it took me a long time to leave, too, so don't feel bad about having a hard time making the decision. it seems that your wife is not quite ready to really stop using as of right now and it is taking its toll on you. when my husband admitted to me that he was using (and they always make is seem less than what it really is) it turned out that he started before we even got married and i had no idea. but even after finding out, it still took me about 3 more years to actually leave. all of last year we were going back and forth. when i would find out that he was using, i would either leave or tell him not to come back home, but i would eventually give in every time. and after so many tries, it eventually got old to be repeating the same thing over and over.
i am not trying to tell you that you should leave, only you can make that decision. it might be a good idea, though, to try to distance yourself from her use for a little while and see how that feels. what i mean by that is that you don't have to physically leave if you don't want to, but to try focusing a little more on yourself and kind of leaving her to her own devices. she is an adult and should take responsibility for herself. i know that it is easier said than done, but it is worth giving it a try.
cocaine is one of the hardest things to get off of (as i have learned) and it has the highest relapse potential. my husbands drug of choice is also coke (so far as i know).
i can relate to the anxiety of just "knowing" that they are going to use or have used and still won't admit to it. reading your post brings it all back to me, even though i haven't really been actively dealing with it for quite some time.
stay stong. sending you encouragement and prayers.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 19
Thank you soo much pacific sunrise. I am trying and will keep trying, I am soo happy that everything worked out for you. I am soo greatful for your input, I will keep updating here because i am sure i wont be able to make it through this alone. Thank you soo much
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 3,677
Needhelp777,
Hi there. Let me speak to this as "the wife". Yep. That's me.
I wasn't taking cocaine, I was taking oxycodone. It began innocently enough, with orthopedic surgery. It ended up almost destroying my 40 year marriage.
You have a problem on your hands you can't fix yourself. Your wife has to WANT to fix it. What it is going to take for her to want to do that, I don't know.
But I do know more about addiction now that it happened to me. I know that addicts will devise ways to use their drug, even if it means lying to you, stealing from you, cheating on you, whatever it takes. Rational humans who can't figure out why addicts do these things are using rational brains that are not chemically altered by drug. I don't know cocaine, but I know opiates are difficult to quit taking.
My husband begged and pleaded with me for over a year to quit taking opiates. I became very good at lying to him. I read on another thread about how you "successfully" tapered your wife down. It doesn't work. Tapering rarely works for most of us. We just become better at hiding how much we are taking. I even fooled my doctors by going to several at once. My husband believed me when I told him I was down to just a few milligrams of drug a day, when I was up over a hundred. Tapering was very good at driving my dose UP.
Addicts only quit using after the consequences of using the drug become higher than the "benefits" of using. Period. I would never have quit opiates if they continued to deliver what they promised me at the beginning -- feeling happy, pain free, carefree, etc. Maybe cocaine does more than that, and if it does, you are in for one hell of a struggle. For me, the small piece of rationality I had left of my brain was screaming to the drugged up part, screaming that I was sick and getting sicker, and probably the drug would end up killing me.
One morning I woke up and could not remember how much drug I had ingested the night before. That had happened before, but this time when I counted my pills, which I did incessantly anyway, I realized I had taken what would have been a fatal dose in some circumstances. I "tapered" my remaining handful of pills over the next 3 days, and quit cold turkey. That was December 15, 2011.
I wish you luck. You can't make your wife quit. Her circumstances have to be such that using is no longer an option for her, either because she makes that choice, or the choice is made for her. Of course, the former is better. The latter seldom works.
I'm so sorry I put my husband through what you are going through. I am still married to him. He has become my best ally in my recovery, and we both know so much more about why I did what I did than we used to before it happened to us.
FT
Hi there. Let me speak to this as "the wife". Yep. That's me.
I wasn't taking cocaine, I was taking oxycodone. It began innocently enough, with orthopedic surgery. It ended up almost destroying my 40 year marriage.
You have a problem on your hands you can't fix yourself. Your wife has to WANT to fix it. What it is going to take for her to want to do that, I don't know.
But I do know more about addiction now that it happened to me. I know that addicts will devise ways to use their drug, even if it means lying to you, stealing from you, cheating on you, whatever it takes. Rational humans who can't figure out why addicts do these things are using rational brains that are not chemically altered by drug. I don't know cocaine, but I know opiates are difficult to quit taking.
My husband begged and pleaded with me for over a year to quit taking opiates. I became very good at lying to him. I read on another thread about how you "successfully" tapered your wife down. It doesn't work. Tapering rarely works for most of us. We just become better at hiding how much we are taking. I even fooled my doctors by going to several at once. My husband believed me when I told him I was down to just a few milligrams of drug a day, when I was up over a hundred. Tapering was very good at driving my dose UP.
Addicts only quit using after the consequences of using the drug become higher than the "benefits" of using. Period. I would never have quit opiates if they continued to deliver what they promised me at the beginning -- feeling happy, pain free, carefree, etc. Maybe cocaine does more than that, and if it does, you are in for one hell of a struggle. For me, the small piece of rationality I had left of my brain was screaming to the drugged up part, screaming that I was sick and getting sicker, and probably the drug would end up killing me.
One morning I woke up and could not remember how much drug I had ingested the night before. That had happened before, but this time when I counted my pills, which I did incessantly anyway, I realized I had taken what would have been a fatal dose in some circumstances. I "tapered" my remaining handful of pills over the next 3 days, and quit cold turkey. That was December 15, 2011.
I wish you luck. You can't make your wife quit. Her circumstances have to be such that using is no longer an option for her, either because she makes that choice, or the choice is made for her. Of course, the former is better. The latter seldom works.
I'm so sorry I put my husband through what you are going through. I am still married to him. He has become my best ally in my recovery, and we both know so much more about why I did what I did than we used to before it happened to us.
FT
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 19
Thank you soo much for your sharing and input, I really really appreciate it. The cutting down seems to have worked on our side, I know it does not in most cases but I am soo happy it did in our case my wife does it a maximum of 4 times a month and only one gram now. One things that I can tell you is that she has never ever taken it behind my back, it is soo obvious to see when she takes it. She has been on it for more than 4 years now and she really wants to quit but she just can’t do that last jump to quit. She does it sometimes twice a month and never more than one gram. The one thing that has kept me going soo long is her telling me the day that she is craving, sometimes she will give in but she will fight it as best she can. She doesn’t want any professional help and I am the only one that knows about it and that is going through it with her and I just can’t go on another year.
We want to start a family, we started trying a while back because she promised it was her last time and she really really wants to fall pregnant, we tried for a few months, this was the time that she quit for 60 days. I then thought to myself after this that we can’t have a child now, she can’t stay without drugs for 2 months, how will she do it for 9 months and it can be damaging to our child and what will happen after that???? It is a risk I am not willing to take, I was but am not anymore…. We both want children soo badly…
I flew her to see her family and she was taking it rough through this time. She really had her head on her shoulders even though she wanted to relapse while she was there. She does not drink or smoke in front of her family, which makes a big difference. When we both got back after a short time she started again.
She is drinking a lot and the alcohol triggers the craving. She is supposed to stop now, she said that December was her last month and that was 17 Dec 2011 that she done her last gram. She has been exercising and watching her diet now. I have seen all this before and it always ends up the same. I always keep my hopes and dreams up and nothing seems to change, I can’t see what will make this time different? So i am hang in there but aside from this addiction it is taking a toll on our marriage in other ways too. She says and does thing that hurt soo bad and that I would never ever do or say to her. I get abused mentally, physiologically, emotionally and she has scratched and tried to hit me on occasions. When I ask why she done that she says she doesn’t know and when I ask what I done wrong she won’t remember. I don’t know how much any one person can take in a situation like this but think I have been doing well the past couple of years but I have never had her sober for more than two months, If she does manage to fight it and beat it I have no guarantee that she will stay sober and I simply don’t know how much more of this I can take.
We want to start a family, we started trying a while back because she promised it was her last time and she really really wants to fall pregnant, we tried for a few months, this was the time that she quit for 60 days. I then thought to myself after this that we can’t have a child now, she can’t stay without drugs for 2 months, how will she do it for 9 months and it can be damaging to our child and what will happen after that???? It is a risk I am not willing to take, I was but am not anymore…. We both want children soo badly…
I flew her to see her family and she was taking it rough through this time. She really had her head on her shoulders even though she wanted to relapse while she was there. She does not drink or smoke in front of her family, which makes a big difference. When we both got back after a short time she started again.
She is drinking a lot and the alcohol triggers the craving. She is supposed to stop now, she said that December was her last month and that was 17 Dec 2011 that she done her last gram. She has been exercising and watching her diet now. I have seen all this before and it always ends up the same. I always keep my hopes and dreams up and nothing seems to change, I can’t see what will make this time different? So i am hang in there but aside from this addiction it is taking a toll on our marriage in other ways too. She says and does thing that hurt soo bad and that I would never ever do or say to her. I get abused mentally, physiologically, emotionally and she has scratched and tried to hit me on occasions. When I ask why she done that she says she doesn’t know and when I ask what I done wrong she won’t remember. I don’t know how much any one person can take in a situation like this but think I have been doing well the past couple of years but I have never had her sober for more than two months, If she does manage to fight it and beat it I have no guarantee that she will stay sober and I simply don’t know how much more of this I can take.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: South Milwaukee, WI.
Posts: 53
Hi Needhelp,
i was the wife also and was I good @ getting to my husbands feelings and money. I did love him dearly, but we did seperate for 3 years and he stayed in the picture and I used him,which now I feel bad about, but @ the time all I wanted was the drug and @ the end it was to keep taking so I wouldn`t get sick. i chose the drug many times over him, but see he let me, and I know he did it because he loved me. That was the worst thing he could of done. He didn`t know what to do anymore either so he would help me periodically.I wanted to stop but I couldn`t!!!!
I finally got into terrible trouble w/ the law, which in 52 years only had 1 speeding ticket, so I was scared straight and I am so thankful..
i guess what I am trying to say is she probably does love u but she will need u more when she becomes straight.
My husband and I have a repairable relationship now because we communicate honestly and I am going to therapy also.We do live back together again and it is very nice to love again honestly.
I feel for u because I know what I put my husband through, but like i said maybe go for now and if u want be there for her later, let her hit rock bottom
i was the wife also and was I good @ getting to my husbands feelings and money. I did love him dearly, but we did seperate for 3 years and he stayed in the picture and I used him,which now I feel bad about, but @ the time all I wanted was the drug and @ the end it was to keep taking so I wouldn`t get sick. i chose the drug many times over him, but see he let me, and I know he did it because he loved me. That was the worst thing he could of done. He didn`t know what to do anymore either so he would help me periodically.I wanted to stop but I couldn`t!!!!
I finally got into terrible trouble w/ the law, which in 52 years only had 1 speeding ticket, so I was scared straight and I am so thankful..
i guess what I am trying to say is she probably does love u but she will need u more when she becomes straight.
My husband and I have a repairable relationship now because we communicate honestly and I am going to therapy also.We do live back together again and it is very nice to love again honestly.
I feel for u because I know what I put my husband through, but like i said maybe go for now and if u want be there for her later, let her hit rock bottom
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 19
Hi Lorilou1, Honestly you speaking like that is exactly how I feel it is, I dont know what to do anymore. Thank you soo very much for the input and advice and help, it feels like my wife wrote that. I Wish everyone on this forum a Merry Christmas and a happy new year. THANK YOU ALL SOO MUCH AGAIN. THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
MIND OF DESTRUCTIVE TASTE
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 744
Needhelp,
I wanted to welcome you to the site. I am sorry that you are suffering so much, your posts reveal so much pain. I am coming from the "other side"...I've been an addict for 10 1/2 years now..everything from IV heroin, crack, coke, pain pills and benzos. Recovery is a very long, hard road to go down but it is possible. It won't be possible for your wife until she absolutely 110% wants it for herself and herself alone. I've tried countless times to quit for someone else (family, friends, husband, child, etc.) but it doesn't work that way. I completely agree with FT, we as addicts often don't consider quitting/recovery until the consequences of our addiction outweigh any "benefits" from our DOC. Most have to hit rock bottom which varies from addict to addict. We get sick and tired of being sick and tired. Eventually we are not using to get high, we are using to function...to feel "normal" and this is an exhausting cycle that is hard to break but it is possible. Remember that addiction is a progressive disease that only worsens with time and you cannot control it, you didn't cause it and you cannot cure it. It's a vicious beast that leaves complete destruction in it's wake. I truly hope that your wife will reach the point where she is ready to quit and find recovery. Sounds like you are in a toxic relationship - you do NOT deserve to be treated the way you are being treated, that is no doubt that you are being abused. Only you can decide when you've had enough ((())) Please take care of yourself. We are here for you.
-Jess
I wanted to welcome you to the site. I am sorry that you are suffering so much, your posts reveal so much pain. I am coming from the "other side"...I've been an addict for 10 1/2 years now..everything from IV heroin, crack, coke, pain pills and benzos. Recovery is a very long, hard road to go down but it is possible. It won't be possible for your wife until she absolutely 110% wants it for herself and herself alone. I've tried countless times to quit for someone else (family, friends, husband, child, etc.) but it doesn't work that way. I completely agree with FT, we as addicts often don't consider quitting/recovery until the consequences of our addiction outweigh any "benefits" from our DOC. Most have to hit rock bottom which varies from addict to addict. We get sick and tired of being sick and tired. Eventually we are not using to get high, we are using to function...to feel "normal" and this is an exhausting cycle that is hard to break but it is possible. Remember that addiction is a progressive disease that only worsens with time and you cannot control it, you didn't cause it and you cannot cure it. It's a vicious beast that leaves complete destruction in it's wake. I truly hope that your wife will reach the point where she is ready to quit and find recovery. Sounds like you are in a toxic relationship - you do NOT deserve to be treated the way you are being treated, that is no doubt that you are being abused. Only you can decide when you've had enough ((())) Please take care of yourself. We are here for you.
-Jess
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Jersey
Posts: 42
Hey there NeedHelp....another 'addict wife' here. I cant entirely feel your pain b/c my hub doesnt know the depths of my addiction, although he has called me a drug addict in the heat of battle.
I'm working on being clean, being a better mother and wife. My hub doesn't love me like you love your wife though. It's beautiful how much you care for her, and I feel so sorry for the way you are feeling.
While I was using, I lied and cheated bc my brain just shut out everything and everyone. It's probably hard to wrap your head around this type of information. When u are actively using, the DOC becomes the number one. When using, yes, I still loved my kids, my husband and my family. But, unfortunately, i loved my pills MORE. I NEEDED them...and without them, all I could do is think about them and how I was going to get them. It's not pretty. But, until she realizes this, you are stuck between a rock and a hard place.
I am very sorry for your position and that your heart is breaking. You do have a tough decision to make. I wish you the best and hope that you find some peace.
We are here for ya...reach out at any time.
I'm working on being clean, being a better mother and wife. My hub doesn't love me like you love your wife though. It's beautiful how much you care for her, and I feel so sorry for the way you are feeling.
While I was using, I lied and cheated bc my brain just shut out everything and everyone. It's probably hard to wrap your head around this type of information. When u are actively using, the DOC becomes the number one. When using, yes, I still loved my kids, my husband and my family. But, unfortunately, i loved my pills MORE. I NEEDED them...and without them, all I could do is think about them and how I was going to get them. It's not pretty. But, until she realizes this, you are stuck between a rock and a hard place.
I am very sorry for your position and that your heart is breaking. You do have a tough decision to make. I wish you the best and hope that you find some peace.
We are here for ya...reach out at any time.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 19
Hi guys, Thanks soo much for all the input. From my side I love my wife soo much but I am as you put it jess between a rock and a hard place. My wife as usual done it once again on the 29th December she knew that it was the last time and I "was going to leave her", she pushed me to the limits so many times and she knows what lengths I am willing to go to stay with her.
After my wife done it for the "last hundredth time" I told her the consequences before she done it and before i told her she knew what they would be, I wrote down everything that hurts me (once again) and all the reasons to leave her (once again) and this time what i must do (steps to follow) to leave her. After she took her first line I knew I had to do it, we had friends over and were having a great time so I decided to do it when they leave, once they left I did my first thing on the list, walked to the ocean and threw my ring in the ocean, I then got back and told her it’s over, I then changed all my passwords to my Skype, email, bank, phone, I then changed my facebook status to complicated. I read through the notes I made to myself and realized I don’t have future with her even though I love her soo much. I knew this had to be done!!!!!! She didn’t speak to me and I didn’t speak to her, she was all soft and playing on my emotions with her face, my one and only vow to her when we got married was that I will always do my best to make her happy, the next day she slept the whole day after being awake the whole night (as usual) the morning after that she was just in the bedroom lying there not speaking to me and not doing or saying anything and this softened me I went to her and asked her or she had anything to say, she told me that I have made up my mind and the decision was mine and it was taken. She then told me that that was her "last time and that was the deal" I didn’t make any deals like that, anyway. She then told me that she won’t touch it again, new years went by and the year started. New year’s eve was very relaxed and chilled with two friends over and nothing crazy.
Things between us has not been the same since. I am keeping myself away from her not speaking to her and just seeing or she makes any effort to assure me that everything will be ok, nothing yet, after a couple of days of this on the 4th December she decided to take sleeping tablets and anti dep, then she decided to take a bath, not very clever, after hearing a couple of coughs I took her out of the bath and laid her down, she "couldn’t " didn’t sleep, telling me as i have heard before that she can’t sleep even though i can see that she is fighting the tablets, eventually she went to sleep, she then woke up after about an hour and had some champagne, I decided to help her with the bottle throwing some of it out without her noticing, she then done the same thing once again, sleeping pills and anti dep, I told her not to make sure she stays awake in the bath, it was past my bed time as I had work the next day, I couldn’t sleep was waiting for that coughing to fetch her out the bath, it then came, coughing, I fetched her out the bath and took her to bed, all these times she was on the sleeping pills i was helping her because she was falling all over the place. she slept and the next day couldn’t remember half of it.
We are soo distant now. I organized an interview for her at my company for next week, I don’t know why I am still doing all this, I made an appointment to do some finishing touches on her car that will make it immaculate. I don’t know why I am still doing all this, but I am happy that I realized that I can’t have kids with her. Every day I wake up go to work and at work think the whole day of how to leave her but when i see her I just can’t things are the same, my mind wanders back to a place where i believe I can fix her, I am broken and cant and don’t know how to leave her.
I don’t know how to do this. She plays with my mind psychologically, and emotionally I don’t know whether she does it intentionally or unknowingly because it’s the way she is.
I don’t know what to do, maybe I do, but I don’t know how to do it and can’t build up the courage to do it.
I just wanted to add: My wife was on about 12 grams a week when we met she is now (for the past two years) she is on 4 grams a month. I guess I am making an excuse to think that things will get better and change, I dont know!!!!!!
Thank you soo much for sharing your thought experiences so openly, means a lot and helps a lot.
-Sean
After my wife done it for the "last hundredth time" I told her the consequences before she done it and before i told her she knew what they would be, I wrote down everything that hurts me (once again) and all the reasons to leave her (once again) and this time what i must do (steps to follow) to leave her. After she took her first line I knew I had to do it, we had friends over and were having a great time so I decided to do it when they leave, once they left I did my first thing on the list, walked to the ocean and threw my ring in the ocean, I then got back and told her it’s over, I then changed all my passwords to my Skype, email, bank, phone, I then changed my facebook status to complicated. I read through the notes I made to myself and realized I don’t have future with her even though I love her soo much. I knew this had to be done!!!!!! She didn’t speak to me and I didn’t speak to her, she was all soft and playing on my emotions with her face, my one and only vow to her when we got married was that I will always do my best to make her happy, the next day she slept the whole day after being awake the whole night (as usual) the morning after that she was just in the bedroom lying there not speaking to me and not doing or saying anything and this softened me I went to her and asked her or she had anything to say, she told me that I have made up my mind and the decision was mine and it was taken. She then told me that that was her "last time and that was the deal" I didn’t make any deals like that, anyway. She then told me that she won’t touch it again, new years went by and the year started. New year’s eve was very relaxed and chilled with two friends over and nothing crazy.
Things between us has not been the same since. I am keeping myself away from her not speaking to her and just seeing or she makes any effort to assure me that everything will be ok, nothing yet, after a couple of days of this on the 4th December she decided to take sleeping tablets and anti dep, then she decided to take a bath, not very clever, after hearing a couple of coughs I took her out of the bath and laid her down, she "couldn’t " didn’t sleep, telling me as i have heard before that she can’t sleep even though i can see that she is fighting the tablets, eventually she went to sleep, she then woke up after about an hour and had some champagne, I decided to help her with the bottle throwing some of it out without her noticing, she then done the same thing once again, sleeping pills and anti dep, I told her not to make sure she stays awake in the bath, it was past my bed time as I had work the next day, I couldn’t sleep was waiting for that coughing to fetch her out the bath, it then came, coughing, I fetched her out the bath and took her to bed, all these times she was on the sleeping pills i was helping her because she was falling all over the place. she slept and the next day couldn’t remember half of it.
We are soo distant now. I organized an interview for her at my company for next week, I don’t know why I am still doing all this, I made an appointment to do some finishing touches on her car that will make it immaculate. I don’t know why I am still doing all this, but I am happy that I realized that I can’t have kids with her. Every day I wake up go to work and at work think the whole day of how to leave her but when i see her I just can’t things are the same, my mind wanders back to a place where i believe I can fix her, I am broken and cant and don’t know how to leave her.
I don’t know how to do this. She plays with my mind psychologically, and emotionally I don’t know whether she does it intentionally or unknowingly because it’s the way she is.
I don’t know what to do, maybe I do, but I don’t know how to do it and can’t build up the courage to do it.
I just wanted to add: My wife was on about 12 grams a week when we met she is now (for the past two years) she is on 4 grams a month. I guess I am making an excuse to think that things will get better and change, I dont know!!!!!!
Thank you soo much for sharing your thought experiences so openly, means a lot and helps a lot.
-Sean
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 864
I have to ask what does this give to you… the relationship, the chaos...
The sides each just as sick and twisted always wanting the other to get their end, when they don’t even get their own and how they feel and what they want, truly.
I am the wife of a heroin addict among other things who had to make a choice because basically I couldn’t. I didn’t know what to do all this leave, you gotta leave, run, stay, protect yourself, lock things up….OMG it was overwhelming and totally insane. So that choice, what I did, was to stop focusing all my energy on what he was doing and start looking at what I was doing to myself , and how I was behaving.
And in the work I learned a lot about myself, and things became real clear and started to make sense…and no I didn’t leave, I could never find a reason too….addiction wasn’t good enough, and I heroin didn’t deserve that power…oh god the power I gave to it, just the word and the fear it struck in me…
Oh and just to clear things up leaving doesn’t fix them or us ( it might remove danger if one is in danger, it might lessen the chaos, but there is no true peace in just leaving )…again it is that work.
Are you willing to save yourself?
Huge red flag….You took some antidepressant that were hers one day… why … oh and what for????
IF, you aren’t feeling like you, aren’t ok and are constantly worried, constantly obsessing on her, constantly struggling with what to do, not do, forcing yourself through the day while playing scenarios and those what if I do this, will that make her do…this is a huge sign that you aren’t taking care of yourself and are becoming ill in some form, be it mentally, physically or spiritually or all three.
So what can you do for you, knowing or at least trying to believe that she is capable to do for herself?
Understand that this is her process and it won’t make sense at all to you, as it shouldn’t. Yours is different, find your process in the madness, do the work, the options are endless, meetings if you so choose, counseling, places like this to share and learn from, journaling my personal life line to sanity … I have found the words to paper can’t be ignored and when I read back I also found where I was stuck and it forced me to look into why, and what it was about me that kept me stuck….Search on this site posts from cynical one, read about addiction, read about codependency….DO NOT ENABLE HER…And yes it is possible to live with someone and not enable but it takes working on you, not her.
Know that the drug is just a symptom of the disease and just because someone isn’t actively taking a drug that doesn’t mean they aren’t still very much wrapped in additive behaviors. Also know that recovery looks like recovery and using looks like using. It isn’t about what is said, but the actions…her actions will be the only way to know if she is working on her or still deluding herself. Oh and I find what you wrote about her only using this amount as opposed to that very normal...My husband put heroin off limits way before he stopped using other things to see what he could get away with, and what he learned was that he could take no mind altering drugs and it was a good thing to learn for him…again her process, she is running something in her head and can justify using as she is...she is also learning in this, and that learning process is important for her. Never take the learning away! Enabling takes the learning away.
Most important find acceptance, that she is an addict and that it is ok…
Acceptance in that you can’t save her, love her well….she has to find a way to love herself and save herself…and yes she can!
See her as a capable, bright, shining women no matter if she is using or not and treat her as such. Respect her choice to live as she wants, respect her and treat her as you wish to be treated, compassion is huge and this is all totally different than enabling…
Know that as important as it is to allow her to live as she chooses that you have that same option!
We can become so sick…Well if we allow it, and most of what you find families and partners going through is allowed, we are only a victim once after that we are all in the game.
Believe always, love freely without conditions and don’t forget to breathe!
The sides each just as sick and twisted always wanting the other to get their end, when they don’t even get their own and how they feel and what they want, truly.
I am the wife of a heroin addict among other things who had to make a choice because basically I couldn’t. I didn’t know what to do all this leave, you gotta leave, run, stay, protect yourself, lock things up….OMG it was overwhelming and totally insane. So that choice, what I did, was to stop focusing all my energy on what he was doing and start looking at what I was doing to myself , and how I was behaving.
And in the work I learned a lot about myself, and things became real clear and started to make sense…and no I didn’t leave, I could never find a reason too….addiction wasn’t good enough, and I heroin didn’t deserve that power…oh god the power I gave to it, just the word and the fear it struck in me…
Oh and just to clear things up leaving doesn’t fix them or us ( it might remove danger if one is in danger, it might lessen the chaos, but there is no true peace in just leaving )…again it is that work.
Are you willing to save yourself?
Huge red flag….You took some antidepressant that were hers one day… why … oh and what for????
IF, you aren’t feeling like you, aren’t ok and are constantly worried, constantly obsessing on her, constantly struggling with what to do, not do, forcing yourself through the day while playing scenarios and those what if I do this, will that make her do…this is a huge sign that you aren’t taking care of yourself and are becoming ill in some form, be it mentally, physically or spiritually or all three.
So what can you do for you, knowing or at least trying to believe that she is capable to do for herself?
Understand that this is her process and it won’t make sense at all to you, as it shouldn’t. Yours is different, find your process in the madness, do the work, the options are endless, meetings if you so choose, counseling, places like this to share and learn from, journaling my personal life line to sanity … I have found the words to paper can’t be ignored and when I read back I also found where I was stuck and it forced me to look into why, and what it was about me that kept me stuck….Search on this site posts from cynical one, read about addiction, read about codependency….DO NOT ENABLE HER…And yes it is possible to live with someone and not enable but it takes working on you, not her.
Know that the drug is just a symptom of the disease and just because someone isn’t actively taking a drug that doesn’t mean they aren’t still very much wrapped in additive behaviors. Also know that recovery looks like recovery and using looks like using. It isn’t about what is said, but the actions…her actions will be the only way to know if she is working on her or still deluding herself. Oh and I find what you wrote about her only using this amount as opposed to that very normal...My husband put heroin off limits way before he stopped using other things to see what he could get away with, and what he learned was that he could take no mind altering drugs and it was a good thing to learn for him…again her process, she is running something in her head and can justify using as she is...she is also learning in this, and that learning process is important for her. Never take the learning away! Enabling takes the learning away.
Most important find acceptance, that she is an addict and that it is ok…
Acceptance in that you can’t save her, love her well….she has to find a way to love herself and save herself…and yes she can!
See her as a capable, bright, shining women no matter if she is using or not and treat her as such. Respect her choice to live as she wants, respect her and treat her as you wish to be treated, compassion is huge and this is all totally different than enabling…
Know that as important as it is to allow her to live as she chooses that you have that same option!
We can become so sick…Well if we allow it, and most of what you find families and partners going through is allowed, we are only a victim once after that we are all in the game.
Believe always, love freely without conditions and don’t forget to breathe!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: in this vessel
Posts: 304
I quit drinking July of this year and my husband quit smoking pot; a daily user for 15 years. There's been signs that he's using again. I'm not even going to bother asking him. Why? He'll either lie or say he's only smoked twice. What I've learned through reading this post is that I don't need him to be honest with me. I need him to be honest with himself. We can't be honest with anyone until we are honest with ourselves first.
Now, my brother is a train wreck. He'll snort and drink anything. I had to push him out of life. He called me on Christmas cold and homeless telling me that he needed to be with his family. I told him that I was sorry that he was having a hard time and offered nothing else. It has taken a lot of practice to be able to do that.
I am sorry that you are going through this. It sounds like you are doing the best you can honestly and compassionately.
Now, my brother is a train wreck. He'll snort and drink anything. I had to push him out of life. He called me on Christmas cold and homeless telling me that he needed to be with his family. I told him that I was sorry that he was having a hard time and offered nothing else. It has taken a lot of practice to be able to do that.
I am sorry that you are going through this. It sounds like you are doing the best you can honestly and compassionately.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
