Hi guys, Thanks soo much for all the input. From my side I love my wife soo much but I am as you put it jess between a rock and a hard place. My wife as usual done it once again on the 29th December she knew that it was the last time and I "was going to leave her", she pushed me to the limits so many times and she knows what lengths I am willing to go to stay with her.
After my wife done it for the "last hundredth time" I told her the consequences before she done it and before i told her she knew what they would be, I wrote down everything that hurts me (once again) and all the reasons to leave her (once again) and this time what i must do (steps to follow) to leave her. After she took her first line I knew I had to do it, we had friends over and were having a great time so I decided to do it when they leave, once they left I did my first thing on the list, walked to the ocean and threw my ring in the ocean, I then got back and told her it’s over, I then changed all my passwords to my Skype, email, bank, phone, I then changed my facebook status to complicated. I read through the notes I made to myself and realized I don’t have future with her even though I love her soo much. I knew this had to be done!!!!!! She didn’t speak to me and I didn’t speak to her, she was all soft and playing on my emotions with her face, my one and only vow to her when we got married was that I will always do my best to make her happy, the next day she slept the whole day after being awake the whole night (as usual) the morning after that she was just in the bedroom lying there not speaking to me and not doing or saying anything and this softened me I went to her and asked her or she had anything to say, she told me that I have made up my mind and the decision was mine and it was taken. She then told me that that was her "last time and that was the deal" I didn’t make any deals like that, anyway. She then told me that she won’t touch it again, new years went by and the year started. New year’s eve was very relaxed and chilled with two friends over and nothing crazy.
Things between us has not been the same since. I am keeping myself away from her not speaking to her and just seeing or she makes any effort to assure me that everything will be ok, nothing yet, after a couple of days of this on the 4th December she decided to take sleeping tablets and anti dep, then she decided to take a bath, not very clever, after hearing a couple of coughs I took her out of the bath and laid her down, she "couldn’t " didn’t sleep, telling me as i have heard before that she can’t sleep even though i can see that she is fighting the tablets, eventually she went to sleep, she then woke up after about an hour and had some champagne, I decided to help her with the bottle throwing some of it out without her noticing, she then done the same thing once again, sleeping pills and anti dep, I told her not to make sure she stays awake in the bath, it was past my bed time as I had work the next day, I couldn’t sleep was waiting for that coughing to fetch her out the bath, it then came, coughing, I fetched her out the bath and took her to bed, all these times she was on the sleeping pills i was helping her because she was falling all over the place. she slept and the next day couldn’t remember half of it.
We are soo distant now. I organized an interview for her at my company for next week, I don’t know why I am still doing all this, I made an appointment to do some finishing touches on her car that will make it immaculate. I don’t know why I am still doing all this, but I am happy that I realized that I can’t have kids with her. Every day I wake up go to work and at work think the whole day of how to leave her but when i see her I just can’t things are the same, my mind wanders back to a place where i believe I can fix her, I am broken and cant and don’t know how to leave her.
I don’t know how to do this. She plays with my mind psychologically, and emotionally I don’t know whether she does it intentionally or unknowingly because it’s the way she is.
I don’t know what to do, maybe I do, but I don’t know how to do it and can’t build up the courage to do it.
I just wanted to add: My wife was on about 12 grams a week when we met she is now (for the past two years) she is on 4 grams a month. I guess I am making an excuse to think that things will get better and change, I dont know!!!!!!
Thank you soo much for sharing your thought experiences so openly, means a lot and helps a lot.
-Sean