iliveforyou

And I am a bit nervous. During the week I will be searching for an AA/NA meeting that is agnostic/atheist as I am an atheist but I will take what I can get right now.

I was ridiculed by my husband. He insulted AA members and me, telling me I was basically weak minded and had no willpower. I was strongly hurt by his words and in disbelief. However, he can insult me from here until the end of time and I am going to do what is best for me and my recovery. I cannot do this on my own nor can I do it just with my therapists and pdoc.

It's been years since I have been to one but I am as nervous as I am excited. Way disappointed that I cannot find my NA or my AA book

I will let you know how it goes. I am going after my daughter is in bed so I don't put my husband out by dragging him away from the damn computer. Lame.

-Jess

FT

Hi Jess,

The only person we can truly control is ourselves.

Often times, people who make statements like your husband did are really revealing fears about their own self-worth. It's kind of like homo-phobes. The big macho guys that run around calling names are usually REALLY afraid of their own manhood not being up to par. Same thing with what your husband said to you.

It could also be a control issue with him. I have no idea if he is controlling, but for you to go somewhere you might find like-minded people to yourself and gain some strength and community there -- well, he might find it threatening somehow. After all, maybe they don't share his opinions of what you should do. Maybe AA and NA will give you something he has failed to do. It really is all about failure, I think. If you aren't getting what you need from him, why do you need to go there?

Look, you and I both know that you are doing the right thing going to a meeting. It's almost like a reverse Alanon. Part of what you deal with as a recovering addict is how the people are going to deal with you as a non-addict. He may fear you will change into someone he doesn't know.

I don't know any of these things, but I see the pattern. I see the fears.

And I see in you a VERY strong woman who knows what to do. Of course you are nervous! Go get 'em, Jess.

FT

iliveforyou

FT, Indeed I believe a large part of his issue with me returning to AA stems from fear. When I was in rehab the summer of 06 prior to marriage/child, I met someone. I cae to believe I was in love with this man (my husband and I were having MAJOR problems --his part) so I began going to meetings with him, hanging out, etc. This was in Chicago at the time as well before we moved to MI after Moira was born. I was sober, clear headed and ready to leave b/c I was being mistreated and disrespected by my now husband. Going behind his back was wrong but it did wake him the f up to the fact that I was ready to leave. I ended up staying obviously but I think he fears AA/NA b/c of what happened years ago.

I've tried explaining to him that willpower on it's own will NOT keep me sober/clean as I have proven time and time again. My mom has ordered some workbooks for me to address my being dual diagnosis and one of them is just for healing from PTSD. I am preparing myself for this very long journey that lies ahead. I am taking my sobriety and being clean more serious than I EVER have in over 10 yrs I've struggled with various addictions. All of this sounds nuts to my husband who has never had any problems with with either of these things. He has ADHD and claims it's all about mind over matter. Yeah, okay. That's why he's not even trying to get a f*cking job and sits on the computer all day. Granted he has other barriers (felony) but all I ask is to TRY. Better than not doing sh*t, you know??

Resentment is slowly building and that I have to work out as well before it destroys our marriage but I cannot do it alone, we both have to work at this together or it is bound to fail - miserably!

All I can do is focus on myself and work on my flaws. I know that I cannot change anyone or anything except myself. I am doing this for ME and for my daughter who deserves a healthy happy mommy. The "happy" part is going to be the hardest in my mind because I have never loved myself, felt true happiness and accepted myself or have any self respect. BUT I am ready to bust my a$$ trying. Juggling taking care of an autistic toddler (homeschool, therapy and basic needs), cleaning, cooking, paying bills...well everything is going to be a challenge as I begin my journey to heal from my past and my addictions but for the first time, I believe that it IS possible.

Sorry for this long, boring rant of mine but I felt the need to get it out.

I will make steady updates, using this thread I've started as a journal of sorts - to track my progress as well as sharing the parts that might not be so "happy" or optimistic, my challenges.

I got about 90 minutes before I have to get on the bus for the meeting.

-Jess

FT

Hi Jess,

Your response confirms to me that you are a very strong woman. Despite all your problems and struggles, you are incredibly intelligent and rational and you have a sense of what is the right thing to do.

Whatever you do, just make sure you are safe and your daughter is safe. Your security comes before anything else.

I hope your meeting went well today!

FT

NVRAGAIN3PCT

thinking of you Jess....

stay strong.

Affirmations for Today:

I am Enough!

I make good choices!

I can say NO!

no to drugs, no to using, no to others.

Please let us know how you are!

hugs

oxyious

I'm just throwing this out there as someone also made mention of in another thread. NA/AA isn't the end all/save all. Many people take issue with all of the references to God, even though it's supposed to be a "god of your own understanding".

There are many other sober recovery groups, you just have to look harder for them. Some cost a small fee. PERSONALLY--- I find those more effective but I'm in a financial hardship right now and spending 5 dollars gives me a coronary but once I'm working again, I'm going back. I tend to like them because EVERYONE there wants to be there, there are no "court ordered" attendees. We all know each other like brothers/sisters. Once a month after the Thursday meeting, it's a potluck and we all watch a relevant movie about abuse and recovery... the topics vary and we all get a chance to speak unless it's a scheduled speaker.. it's not so "rigid", you raise your hand if something resonates with you instead of listening to an entire speach (and if you have ADHD, it's hard to listen without asking questions when you want to instead of waiting until the end, when the passion behind the question burned out or you simply forgot).

I am NOT bashing NA/AA because I attend those too, but I found a group sponsored by one of the largest detox centers in my area and those groups are simply A- MAZING. It's akin to sitting around a campfire and sharing, but you have the Doctor that owns the facility (he doesn't have an inpatient program, so he's not peddling anything either) and you can get real answers from a real doctor, right then and there, he stays until everyone feels good to go home and not use.

If anyone lives in my area, I'll give you the info and/or meet you there. It's a different experience, one that I do prefer better myself, but PLEASE do NOT TAKE THIS MSG as a suggestion to ditch NA because it's not. (absolutely not).

trappeshot

your husband is right.

In my journy with my drug addiction, i have learned alot. when I first started to try to get clean, and I heard someone say that, it pissed me off and they didn't get it. I ovbiously sided with the AA people.

I have come to the conclusion however, that the people that say that are right and wrong at the same time. Right in the sense that yes, it's a self control/behavioral/willpower issue. Each time i realasped, and if i do relapse, it's not because i have a mental disorder, or an allergic reaction, it would be and has been becuase I have made some boneheaded deicsions that provide short term pleasure to mask the deamons/issues i don't want to deal with. Hell i've been clean for over half a year now and I STILL try to trick myself from time to time thinking that i can go get some dope and the party would be happening, though in 5 years the party has never happened like i thought it would.

They are wrong in the sense, as they have no idea just how much willpower/self control to beat something like that. I have a grandmother who is in very bad health, igh blood pressure, the whole bit. Can't stop smoking. won't stop smoking. but has no problem telling me of course I need to "get my act together". The avg person can't stick to a freaking diet...

imagine a diet, in which once you screw up the diet, you INSTANTLY gain back all the weight that you lost the second you screw up. There is no cheat relapse in drug addiction lol. Just because you cheat on a diet doesn't mean you don't want to lose weight. No one would realistically say something that binary, yet have no problem saying the same when it comes to drug addiction.

It just takes, a lot of willpower, alot of fedup ness, to NEVER cheat. And crack is more addictive then wendy's.


though not by very much lol


sounds like you need a new husband lol

FT

Trappeshot,

While I agree with some of what you said, it is not a good idea to tell people with legitimate psych disorders that "It just takes a lot of willpower, alot of fedup ness, to NEVER cheat".

For some of us that is very true. You've only been dealing with being clean for "over a half a year". That is very, very brief. Be careful, because you still have a lot to learn, and lot can be learned from the stories you read here.

The particular story that sparked this thread is long and arduous, with many challenges including a special child, mental illness, drug addiction of many years' duration, multiple recoveries and relapses with differing substances, and yet a huge amount of triumph as well.

The OP's husband is not right, in my opinion, to try to disempower his wife.

FT

trappeshot

He's alot more right then he is wrong.

And doesn't page 34 of the big book say that even

"There are those, too, who suffer from grave emotional and and mental disorders, but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest."


And "being honest" means admitting that YOU, not something you can't control or something you were born with or this person or that person or this situation or that situation or this place or that place, is the problem.


Your mental disorder is not a crux to be used in the plight against drug addiction. If you have a mental disorder, a real one, get it medicated and that's that, anything after that you are making excuses.


Even though I am a recovering addict, i don't have very much sympathy for our plight, including my own. I ****** up. That's really the approach you have to take, a no nonsense, no excuses, no BS, no frills type approach. You just can't use drugs. Hell I was on federal pretrial for 2 years and some months, for something I literary did not do (and hte charges were eventually dropped), and was clean for the vast majority of that time, being treated like a criminal when I didn't commit (at least that lol) crime.

I know a guy who can't walk, is paralyzed from the waist down, and literary catches like 2-3 transit buses just to get to an AA meeting and has been clean since 2007. Cold, rain, doesn't matter, he's going to take his butt to a meeting. I don't want to hear it.

We ALL have our hard luck stories or our issues, or "2 of clubs" so to speak in our lives that we have to deal with in the hand of spades. But if you want to win the hand, you will figure out the best way to play the hand you are dealt.

FT

'Nuff said.

FT

iliveforyou

[QUOTE=failedtaper;3029967]Hi Jess,

The only person we can truly control is ourselves.

-I absolutely agree. I can never and will never be able to change him or his views. Saddening I didn't know these things when we married.

Often times, people who make statements like your husband did are really revealing fears about their own self-worth. It's kind of like homo-phobes. The big macho guys that run around calling names are usually REALLY afraid of their own manhood not being up to par. Same thing with what your husband said to you.

-Funny you should bring that up FT because my husband also makes many homophobic statements and they make me f*cking sick.

It could also be a control issue with him. I have no idea if he is controlling, but for you to go somewhere you might find like-minded people to yourself and gain some strength and community there -- well, he might find it threatening somehow. After all, maybe they don't share his opinions of what you should do. Maybe AA and NA will give you something he has failed to do. It really is all about failure, I think. If you aren't getting what you need from him, why do you need to go there?

-He's never been controlling in the sense of where and when I go somewhere but I do believe I need to surround myself with like minded people. You bring up very valid points!

Look, you and I both know that you are doing the right thing going to a meeting. It's almost like a reverse Alanon. Part of what you deal with as a recovering addict is how the people are going to deal with you as a non-addict. He may fear you will change into someone he doesn't know.

-Well, I guess we shall find out in time. We vowed til death do us part and we take marriage vows very seriously. I thought he did anyways, but he is not working on HIM. He doesn't believe he HAS any problems. LMAO.

-Jess

iliveforyou

Thank you Mike. You have become such a dear friend and play an important role in my life and will be forever grateful xo

-Jess

iliveforyou

Thank you NVRA for your support It means a lot!!

FT

Jess --

You keep on truckin' girl. You are making the right moves, taking the right steps. Who the hell cares if you have fallen at times and not always been perfect. Nobody is. Not me. Not you.

Much love.

FT

iliveforyou

Well I don't want my thread to go to sh*t so I will make this as brief as possible. Seems as though we are in a bit of disargreement which is okay.

Long before I began my long road of drug/alcohol addiction, I was mentally ill (depression). I was abused sexually/physically/emotionally by my "father" for 15 long years. This is NOT an excuse but a back story. Every sick, vial, inhumane thing you can imagine it happened. As a result I developed PTSD and Deep, dark depression. Still to this day, I am struggling to find the right meds for my mental illnesses. Not so simple as try one and I am majically cured. I am not your typical person will a mental illness. At all. I've been on so many medications in the past 12 years, I have lost count. I don't use my mental illness as a crutch but it is what it is.

We can just agree to disagree I suppose.

-Jess

iliveforyou

Oh, and the meeting didn't happen last night due to my daughter's meltdown that went on for hours but I am heading to another on tomorrow afternoon. Nothing is going to stop me from getting this done

FT

Dear Jess,

I am here to tell ya that YOU are one strong, amazing, person, who has dealt with recovery issues DESPITE your mental health difficulties, and not BECAUSE of them. I hear NO excuses from you, EVER.

In fact, you forge ahead without excuses, without self pity, without asking anyone to GIVE you anything, including their heartfelt sympathy. I feel empathy for you and NEVER pity, because that is not something I think you need or would help you in the least.

I understand what Trappeshot is trying to say, because for him (and maybe for a LOT of addicts), it is the tapping of the inner strength and "willpower" that speaks to him in terms he can relate to.

I speak from personal experience with PTSD and deep depression. You and I are not the same, nor is anyone else here, in terms of mental "illness". It doesn't matter how we label or describe, because it changes NOTHING about the reality of what you have to live with every day. It is overly simplistic to expect that there is "one way" to recovery. There is not.

People who wish to recover need to call upon every resource available to them to do what they need to do. We all walk a different walk, and NO one walks in our shoes. I have a tremendous respect for what you have had to do to get where you are today.

You keep your path, Jess. It is your path and no one else's. You are a survivor, and you know that. Look what you have survived. Few here can speak to that.

FT

NVRAGAIN3PCT

Well darlin' we have more in common than I thought! WOW!

those are some dark, dark places to be. I've been there too. I commend you for your extreme courage to KEEP GETTING BACK UP!

DON'T STOP!

Because one of these days you are going to get back up and it will be for the last time. You will crawl, walk, run and then fly. I believe you have something in you that is willing to do what is necessary to be free. Let nothing get in your way.

And I'm so sorry for your dd's meltdown. We had ours on Saturday and it was a doozy. It made me wonder how we do this clean and sober.

We all carry our own pain, in our own ways. It's not an excuse, but you can't get around it - you gotta go through it. Sometimes that takes more than just willpower and sucking it up. It takes real treatment, meds...what have you. Whatever works for you.

Don't give up looking for what is going to work for YOU.

It takes real courage to keep getting up and trying again

GOOD FOR YOU! YOU GO GIRL!

tsmba

Hi Jess! I've seen your posts, but something about this thread prompted me to respond...perhaps it was just the notion of "first meeting in a very long time." Sometimes my own stupidity boggles my mind!

The other night, I attended my first meeting in a little over three weeks. After a couple deaths in the family (including my mom), I swung the proverbial wrecking ball through my life. I've duked it out with this disease for decades, and have learned I can ruin everything, even if I am not using at that moment. Anyway, I sought help, and in the process was away from home and my home group for over six weeks. Here is where the stupidity kicks in!

Upon returning, I found myself unable (okay...unwilling) to return to my group. Despite all these years in the program, knowing full-well that my return would be welcomed, and that I, as always, desperately needed the support, I convinced myself that I was ashamed of myself and couldn't face "those people". Pure ********, but I wallowed in it!

One evening, there was a knock at the door, and it was two friends from the fellowship. There was no pressure, no accusations...just some much-needed humor and concern. Still, it took over a week for me to overcome myself. Despite *knowing* exactly what I needed, my "peculiar mental twist" works overtime to sabotage me from within. Therefore, I MUST have the help of others!

Hopefully this doesn't come across as the ramblings of a lunatic, and far be it for me to advise anyone else...but your post made me think about what I was doing to myself. When I start focusing on labels, how I think "those people" are going to do *whatever*, and about all "those problems with the program" that I see as reasons I don't need to be there...I am on that slippery slope headed straight downhill.

Thank you for the moment of clarity! Funny how this works, ain't it?

iliveforyou

tsmba - First of all I am so sorry for your losses, I cannot imagine. I am glad that you got something from my posting, that makes me happy! Labels are just that - labels. I work hard not identifying myself with such things and quite frankly it's hard not to. I hope you have luck returning to your meetings. I've been away for many years from meetings but I've realized that I cannot do this on my own. Willpower is what got me in the situation that I'm in. Good luck my friend

-Jess