oxyious

Even though you are certain you won't relapse (as proof that you found some of your stash, let it sit around for a day and then tossed it without jumping in the toilet after it). HOWEVER.....

Before and After, what are these? Obsessive thoughts? You can't stop thinking about your DOC or how you perhaps prepared it, etc. It's like it's on your mind 24/7 to the point that you're glad you don't start work for a while because it's all consuming/distracting.

Anyone else been there?

I don't care if you smoked, sniffed, banged, chewed your DOC, in my humble opinion, in the end.... no matter the delivery method- we are all addicts and none better than the other.

I may not have used pointy things, but I was watching TV with another addict that DID and he got triggered when he saw a dude on TV with large veins.... things of that nature. I see other stuff on TV that triggers the thoughts in ME that won't relent. (Just seeing someone get handed a pill in a hospital setting sets off those thoughts, which sux because Greys, Hawthorne, NJ and a few other Hospital based shows are my absolute favorites... I was an ER junkie (the TV show well before I ever took a pain killer, so I'm not attracted to those shows as a way of torturing myself.

I can't hold down a job like this. How long does this last? Does it become more controllable with time? Are there any immediate tools to use for this? I do the counting and that helps, but it's so short term.

NVRAGAIN3PCT

for this post.

I've really struggled with this, unexpectedly for the past week in a really vicious way.

I knew I wanted off that d*mn oxy train. And I WAS going to do it. I did it. It was hell and I came out of it on the other side less than a week later.

The 2nd week it's been all i think about. My rituals. My day. When I would do them, how I would do them, what mixtures of pills and when....and I couldn't figure out why because I wanted off and now I was so wtf gives??

Today for the first time I have woken up (albeit waaaay too early) to NOT have a craving. AMAZING.

And yet....I know it will take time for the 'habit' to pass.

I think the dreams that started a few days ago were the worst....dreams of finding pill bottles everywhere....pills spilling out....me terrified and scooping them up....frantic to be discovered....never taking them though. Thank you Carl Sagan I never put that crap up my nose but i would chew my pills like tic tacs.

Amazing...for the first time I can write and not want. It really does get better every day.

I spent yesterday afternoon cleaning out my room. Pill bottles hidden everywhere along with rx receipts and the like. Holy crap that set off some serious panic but I just kept throwing that mess AWAY.

Thank you again for posting. At this moment I feel good and strong but another wave shall come and I'll want those blues. That nasty oxy that I wont' ever go back to...and I force myself to remember that.

sorry for rambling...it's too early! need more coffee...

stay strong!

oxyious

GOOD MORNING... I've had one of those "failed to sleep nights". My legs kept feeling like I had to stretch them, when I did, I wasn't satsified and then I started having rapid firing thoughts.

Glad to know I'm not alone, but not glad to hear you've been through it, because it's not fun.

I have an allergy to cleaning, any other advice? lol

I hear you on the dreams.... I'll actually have dreams that I run out of "this and that" and cry in my dreams... then wake up and reality sets in that I REALLY am out of them by choice and I'm doing one of these ----> until I fully wake up

The non sleeping took over a month to kick in. I've had it, at the end of my rapidly fraying mental rope.

You stay strong too. I see your location. I'm also from a land of Sunshine, Palm Trees and Pill Mills. I can't wait to move away.

NVRAGAIN3PCT

oh god I can so relate.... to everything....

my house is a mess....and I too wake up (usually) and the panic - the worst f bomb panic that there are none around, none to be had and there won't be. It's almost more than i can take.

And the insomnia...I started kicking on a Saturday...maybe an hour a night maybe 2 for over 4-5 days...now I'm up to 5 an night but jfc I'm a single mom of two young kids (oh yea...I know - we all have it hard) and where the bleep is my energy already?? I NEED SOME SLEEP! And then here come the nightmares....

and the pill mills...my appointment is tuesday and i'm not going. Trust me, people WANT me to go so they can have my share but I just can't do it because I can't. It's dirty. It takes forever. It costs over a thousand dollars. And I cannot under any circumstances pick up that bottle. It will be all over. OVER.

AND I AM NEVER GETTING ON THAT TRAIN AGAIN! THAT SH!T IS OVER!!!!

good lord the waves and mood swings I have....2 hours ago I was on top of the world...now I'm exhausted from being up since 3:43 am and I am so tired.

But just for today...just today. I'll hang on. Just today.

And i can't move away. I'm divorced and my ex lives here and our families and legally I have to stay.

But today - TODAY I AM CLEAN AND OFF THE OX TRAIN!!

thanks again for your words...they ring so true. it helps to not feel so alone

oxyious

If I may offer a little advice on the energy. Vitamin B, Vitamin B, Vitamin B. If you can't afford to get the painless B shots from the Doctor, get a specific B supplement, not just a multi-vitamin. Many times the non-chewable pills don't digest/retain with some people as well, so a Doctor friend of mine (and please don't laugh) told me to try the Vitamin GUMMY Bears! And it seems to work. It's also logical in my opinion and here is my conspiracy theory, I mean, we don't swallow our food in whole chunks or it wouldn't digest properly, why swallow our vitamins like that?that stuff is like Rubber, your body has to work at digesting it, it takes longer, it makes sense that your body might absorb it more readily.

Also, the 2nd best is chewable or liquid vitamins. I sent you a PM by the way. You crack me up and that is pretty damn hard to do.

I also used to be a diet Mt Dew junkie (just as much caffeine as coffee) but I'm now noticing the crashes (on nights I actually sleep). I try to take my caffeine and spread it out over the day with vitamin water in between instead of slamming 40-80 ounces of soda as soon as I wake and I find it does help with the waves of energy and feeling steam rolled.

This should help you understand the dangers of working while tired: I was having such bad problems sleeping, drank my caffeine, had my crash, I was at my desk working on a freelance article the other day, had my head resting on my hand, titled to the side and my hand kind of smashed up against my nose holding my head up, nodded off and jammed my pinkie finger damn near up in to my brain.... DANGEROUS DOING ANYTHING while tired.

oxyious

My last piece of advice to anyone reading this with sleeping problems. During Detox, take the sleep where you can get it, because if you have typical symptoms, you won't get a ton of consistent sleep. However, after you've been 30 days or more... Lose that motto. If 6ot 7am rolls around and you aren't in bed yet, trust me... don't go to sleep at 8 or 9am because you'll wake up at dinner time and start a vicious, vicious cycle trying to sleep within what most people consider normal parimeters. I've been lucky because I was out of work and don't start until next month, but had I been working this last month, I'd be fired already.

NVRAGAIN3PCT

thanks - yea I ran out of vitamins so it's on my list to get more today. Also to go for a run/walk and get some sun and swim with the kids - weather permitting.

I had a few really good days, then I had a dip, I'm hoping today will be a good day.

I'm scared because Thursday we are supposed to go on vacation and I'm wondering where in the world will I get the energy to drive 14 hours alone with 2 bouncing kids? Thank Carl my van has a dvd player. Load that sucker up!

I've really cut out the caffieene because of my panic attacks but I'll get some vitamins/minerals today.

thanks again -

TODAY - JUST FOR TODAY.

OVER TWO WEEKS CLEAN!!!!

and I am a good speller but lordy my postings are a mess - where's the spell checker? i can't think!!

oxyious

Um, please be careful, that is a long drive for someone that has never abused anything just recently. I know this because I just do... I used to do a lot of driving, but I'm not going to give you my autobiography.

If you are really gonna drive that long/far, don't do too much exercise first, stop every few hours, spread out caffeine because you may need it in SMALL doses to stay consistently alert without spikes take your vitties and don't make me worry about the new funny girl on the board! When I had to drive between college and the Naval Base (my ex husband was there) it was about 16 hours each way, if I was falling asleep, I would pull over, do jumping jacks, wet my face/hair down at the rest areas but if all else failed, I kept a cup of ice and I would dump that down my back and although I've never done crack, I used to say it was like dumping a cup of crack down my back... I'd wake up, adrenaline would kick and it was good for atleast 2.5 hours.

Be safe. Jebus, I can't spell today either, the EDIT button is my best friend

FT

NVR:

Good Lord, do you crack me up or what?

I am not religious, and I have joked for many years that Carl Sagan was my "god". He had such a way of putting things, and was such a brilliant man. If I had any doubts about creation "theory", which I personally think is a pile of crap, it was nice to be able to read Carl's thoughts on religion to support my viewpoint. I hope I have not started a fight about that here, because I don't want to detract from this being a recovery website, and it matters not what the addict's faith is to me.

FT