charleyvarrick

But I'll start here & it may be disjointed so bear with me. Last time and the only time I believe I posted was back on 3/1/11. Not much has happened personally to me except I'm in more pain and discomfort than ever. I guess that goes w/the territory. My main focus here is to convey this feeling I can't get rid of which is one where I miss my Rehab Center significantly. I went to a place in Central Pa. outside of State College, Pa. I loved it, loved the people and got off all of the junk I was on. They treated me like a King with so much dignity who wouldn't love that. Is it normal to feel a terrible loss when you leave a 30 day program? And if so, how does one overcome it?

Now 220 days sober including no alcohol although that wasn't a problem because all the pain medication was. I was on or had access to Oxycodone, 3 different strengths of Vicodin, Adderall, Xanax, Celebrex, Lexapro, Lyrica, Soma, Flomax, Lunesta: 1mg, 2mg & 3mg. No wonder I was a mess. I was drinking heavily the last year or so polishing off a bottle a scotch each week and chasing it with some Cappuccino alcohol drink that I was drinking in the morning and loving it. I have a degenerative disc disease and an auto immune disorder called Ankylosing Spondylitis in which I get an infusion for the pain and stiffness every 5 weeks with something called Remicade. Because of the degeneration I had to have my entire neck fused both front and back from C-2 thru C-6 with 16 titanium screws, 8 titanium rods and 3 titanium plates.

I retired in 2005 at the age of 48 on Social Security Disability. I was approved in 6 weeks without benefit of an attorney, 1st time applying and my 5 month wait period was erased even though I had been working full time a month before applying. I even got back pay for 5 months. I know people with Cancer who get turned down. Everyday I wake up it's a battle. The reason I got addicted was because I started using so many different drugs together and would go out and run 5 miles nearly everyday. If I couldn't run then I would escalate my usage to the point I felt like I was flying, feet off of the ground. Towards the end I would take a 15 pill combo of the above. You might think someone with my baggage couldn't run then, guess again. One is bound to get into trouble doing this and I did. Not only with my body, tearing my Achilles Tendon but having right knee surgery and yet out running a week after that. My wife after 30 years was fed up and my kids rarely engaged me in any conversation at all. My Daughter didn't want me to drive her children, my Grandchildren anywhere because she didn't trust me. She was right.

So after getting out of rehab the day before Thanksgiving, what a blessing, it's been a long road. I haven't been tempted once because I now love getting 7 or 8 hours sleep where before I was getting only 3 or 4 Lunesta's I was getting only 4 and that was a stretch. It's so much better feeling pain and stiffness then it was getting numbed out of my gourd. Life is very difficult but so much more appealing when sober. I love everything and everyone now. But it's also hard. I still isolate myself and avoid people. I did just convert to Catholicism and did the RCIA program recently and glad I did. Even though I have been born again since 13 I was a backslider. God has blessed me. I've seen many more than me down on their luck and it pains me greatly witnessing pain in others. Honestly, I have it easy. My wife takes good care of me, has a great job, has insurance that paid for my expensive treatment. I'm a slug, how could I ever complain.

I just wish I could get over missing the great times I had with others in rehab. I was afforded the opportunity to see the light and I did. I miss the people I met at AA and NA meetings while there. It was better than any vacation I have ever had. I just wish I knew why it's so difficult to put to rest. I'm working on writing a story and at some point will want to get it published. The focus will be one's life is never lost if you're willing to fight the good fight to win over addiction. I never thought I could win. Part of it was I loved getting numbed and loved running. Sometimes I spent 4 or 5 hours at the track. It became a social event for me, it was my socialization. Now I have to confess I get bored so easy. I did get a part time job but it bores with me. I'm college educated and have had to sacrifice my career because of my condition. By 2 o'clock I'm in bed for an hour I'm so tired from fatigue which is a by product of this AS Disease.

God has smiled down upon me and I don't know why. I constantly think of what meds I was mixing and then drinking on top of it and yet I'm still around. I did toy with the idea of going back to school for a counseling certification but I'm not sure how that works so perhaps I should source the information out. I know I could be an asset to younger people because I was afforded that luxury when I was away for those 30 days. A lot of young people were there with me, most with Heroin problems. Who knows. I do know this, whatever it is that plagues you, dig and dig deep for the answer or answers. The harder and deeper you dig, the better chance you have of striking pay dirt. Don't be afraid to seek help or ask questions. Life is way too short to be shy. I certainly hope anyone seeking solace in the Lord or a Higher Power finds it. It does work if you open your spiritual side to it. We're just mere mortals, never forget that. God bless all of you. Keep fighting the good fight.

CarolD

Welcome to our Gratitude Forum....

I did not go to a treatment center ..but straight into AA.....where I stay a comitted member.

Sorry to know of your physical situation..I too am limited by my disabilities.
Blessings to you and your wife.

Sneezy

Beautiful post, Charley -

I wish you all the best and am very glad to see you in the Grat Forum.

Hope you'll come back often!

Rusty Zipper

welcome aboard charlie

i have spoke at many a rehab,

and one of the topics that is a great one.

"what are you plans when you get sprung?"

i hear lots of lame ass stuff,

and a few that say they will find a support group.

cahrlie, try to seek one out local that works for you,

as its that, or a fellowship, and the fellowship of the spirit that keeps up relatively sane and sober.

A.A., N.A. Rational, Life Ring, ect, even Aunt Tillies program

SR is a great start, though there's nothing like real face to face.

good wishes charlie

Reubena

ditto ditto ditto what Rusty said. Sounds like you would benefit being around others that can relate to what you've been though.... Heck, you might find it more gratifying than your rehab experience .

So glad you are sober, what an accomplishment! And so glad you found us here . Keep posting and keep us posted

PS: maybe post this in the Newcomers section, you'll get a lot more insight there as it's a more frequented board:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/newcomers-recovery/

charleyvarrick

Thanks Carol, Rusty, Sneezy and Reubena very much. I try and not become a moaner or complainer here so I don't post much although I would love to. Yes, the physical situation stinks a lot. I'm already 3 days past due on my last Remicade infusion because if I get it now, when my wife and I are on vacation, it will be running out then. So it's suffer now or while on vacation when we go to SF. 30 years of marriage and finally a honeymoon. Never did before because we eloped, had 3 children quickly and never did anything for us. I receive my infusions for Ankylosing Spondylitis ever 5 weeks and it does help with pain and stiffness. One has to keep it in perspective so I'll try never to complain about my circumstances.

Rusty, the meetings just don't cut it for me any longer. I know they work for some but not me. My issue is pain from the A.S. I really haven't been tempted by alcohol since I departed from rehab back in November. I do know if I had easy access to pain medication I probably would cheat and take them. So therefore, I stay away from places I might be able to access them. But you're right...the face to face component I do miss. I've looked for support groups for Arthritis related disorders but haven't found one that I think would address my needs.

I'm trying to sit down and write my story and try and get it published. I'm not totally sure what venue I want to take yet, but I do want to keep it somewhat short and construct it in different parts. Sometimes, and I could be mistaken, physical pain contributes to addiction more than you might think. I know it did for me. But, with the support one can receive here, it does make it much more easy to understand and learn about your addiction because when you have such great people to discuss your thoughts and ideas with in hopes you can learn from one another. I appreciate your kindness. Take care all.

Smile123

Charley,
Thank you for posting again. You don't realize how much you are helping people by sharing your story. I don't have any good advise to give, but just wanted to thank you and will be praying for you and hoping you have a great vacation.

recoverywfaith

I am glad you posted...so sorry for your pain. Treatment does help and can be of real benefit in aiding you to get sober and learning how to effectively maintain your sobriety. All my prayers for continued success in your recovery.