My Story, Please Help
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: New Orleans, LA
Posts: 3
My Story, Please Help
I have been in a bad place lately and needed somewhere to vent.
My Story
I am 34 years old, happily married. I stared drinking when I was 11 and was doing coke by the time I was 16. I was a binge drinker/partier and would go for a while between binges. I managed to graduate college with honors, despite my shortcoming. I used everything, booze, coke, x, lsd, shrooms, pot, pills of all kinds. Everytime I drank, I would use coke. However, I never became physically dependent on anything until I got hooked on opiates. First exposed to rehab when I was 19, but it took another 8 years to stick, in and out of treatment. I was a functioning addict, always had a job and money, but did have some legal trouble, Anyway, in 2004 I decided I had enough and got sober on 9/15/2004 through IOP and AA. I was detoxed off of the opiates with Suboxone and only had to use it for a short time. Things were good, although I did go through a few girlfriends (met my wife in 08). Well, in 2006 I started having severe back pain and found out I had severely herniated disc in my back. I had been up front with all of my docs about my hx and avoided narcs until I couldn't take it anymore. What started as normal medical use eventually turned into a full relapse. I was ordering pills online and was taking about 10 10mg norco a day. They found further disc problems in my neck and I had surgery in 12/2007. After that, I switched to 7.5 percs and was getting 180/mo from my doc and was supplementing off the street. I also started taking Clonopin and eventually was put on a Fentanyl patch. Right before my surgery, I started smoking pot again as well, but still no booze or the old partying lifestyle. Well, I met my wife and wanted to get clean. I had emergency surgery to repair a ruptured appendix in 12/2008 and put everyone through hell because the docs couldn't control my pain as my tolerance was so high. My surgeon cut me off completely as he said I was drug seeking, although I was really in pain ( i was in the hospital with a severe infection for 2 weeks). Anyway, as soon as I recovered, I went back to treatement and sobered up on 2/16/2009, after a short time on Sub again. I became active in AA again, married my wife on 5/16/09 amd things were going good. Fast forward to 2/2011. I just picked up my 2 year chip and went to the dentist and founf out I needed serious work done, 4 crowns at once. I was in the chair on the first visit for 4 hrs. He gave me 16 Vicodin which I gave to my wife and she gave them to me as prescribed. I did so well that I through away half the script. Then, I had to go back for my permanent crowns and there was a problem. I experienced more pain than I had ever felt. Another script or 16 Vics and same process, gave to wife, no probs, threw away half the script. Still going to meetings, talking to sponsor, although I did start feeling sketchy the second time. Back to dentist, problem, had to redo 2 crowns. This time, 30 vics and I decided not to give them to the wife. Well, I think you know the rest. I have called in to get a total of 6 more scripts, although small, since. I have started grabbing pills from family members. I feel like I can't stop, even though its only been a month a full relapse. I am not ashamed of picking up a new chip. I just dont know how to stop and get the obsession removed again. I don think I am physically dependent yet, although I am fully psychologically dependent already. My tolerance went so rapidly it was scary. My chronic pain issues have also flared up around this same time and I am living in constant pain, but I know that narcs do nothing for me and I don't want to go back down that road. On top of that, my wife and I are buying a ne house and trying to have a baby and the stress is killing me. I am taking clonopin short term to keep me sane. I need help! What do I do!!
My Story
I am 34 years old, happily married. I stared drinking when I was 11 and was doing coke by the time I was 16. I was a binge drinker/partier and would go for a while between binges. I managed to graduate college with honors, despite my shortcoming. I used everything, booze, coke, x, lsd, shrooms, pot, pills of all kinds. Everytime I drank, I would use coke. However, I never became physically dependent on anything until I got hooked on opiates. First exposed to rehab when I was 19, but it took another 8 years to stick, in and out of treatment. I was a functioning addict, always had a job and money, but did have some legal trouble, Anyway, in 2004 I decided I had enough and got sober on 9/15/2004 through IOP and AA. I was detoxed off of the opiates with Suboxone and only had to use it for a short time. Things were good, although I did go through a few girlfriends (met my wife in 08). Well, in 2006 I started having severe back pain and found out I had severely herniated disc in my back. I had been up front with all of my docs about my hx and avoided narcs until I couldn't take it anymore. What started as normal medical use eventually turned into a full relapse. I was ordering pills online and was taking about 10 10mg norco a day. They found further disc problems in my neck and I had surgery in 12/2007. After that, I switched to 7.5 percs and was getting 180/mo from my doc and was supplementing off the street. I also started taking Clonopin and eventually was put on a Fentanyl patch. Right before my surgery, I started smoking pot again as well, but still no booze or the old partying lifestyle. Well, I met my wife and wanted to get clean. I had emergency surgery to repair a ruptured appendix in 12/2008 and put everyone through hell because the docs couldn't control my pain as my tolerance was so high. My surgeon cut me off completely as he said I was drug seeking, although I was really in pain ( i was in the hospital with a severe infection for 2 weeks). Anyway, as soon as I recovered, I went back to treatement and sobered up on 2/16/2009, after a short time on Sub again. I became active in AA again, married my wife on 5/16/09 amd things were going good. Fast forward to 2/2011. I just picked up my 2 year chip and went to the dentist and founf out I needed serious work done, 4 crowns at once. I was in the chair on the first visit for 4 hrs. He gave me 16 Vicodin which I gave to my wife and she gave them to me as prescribed. I did so well that I through away half the script. Then, I had to go back for my permanent crowns and there was a problem. I experienced more pain than I had ever felt. Another script or 16 Vics and same process, gave to wife, no probs, threw away half the script. Still going to meetings, talking to sponsor, although I did start feeling sketchy the second time. Back to dentist, problem, had to redo 2 crowns. This time, 30 vics and I decided not to give them to the wife. Well, I think you know the rest. I have called in to get a total of 6 more scripts, although small, since. I have started grabbing pills from family members. I feel like I can't stop, even though its only been a month a full relapse. I am not ashamed of picking up a new chip. I just dont know how to stop and get the obsession removed again. I don think I am physically dependent yet, although I am fully psychologically dependent already. My tolerance went so rapidly it was scary. My chronic pain issues have also flared up around this same time and I am living in constant pain, but I know that narcs do nothing for me and I don't want to go back down that road. On top of that, my wife and I are buying a ne house and trying to have a baby and the stress is killing me. I am taking clonopin short term to keep me sane. I need help! What do I do!!
College Graduate
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Japan
Posts: 127
Hello Bodine,
That is a quite a story. With all the ups and downs, I think you know what you need to do (get off the meds) but I can understand the difficulty in that simple statement.
Like you I have reasons for pain meds, and like you, I just can't be on them. It took being honest with everyone for me to get off the pills for like a 4th time (I even finally came clean with my wife).
If you haven't developed the physical dependance yet, stop before you do... and talk to your doctor.
Tolerance is rough with all of us past addicts, when we go for years without the opiates, that first one is so small, and brings back all the memories of why we started in the first place, but as FT ( you will meet her soon) will tell you, all those receptors for that chemical dope, are still there, they just went quiet for a bit while you were off the drugs. You have woken them up.
Any way, I tend to ramble, but talk to those who are close to you and your Dr., there are other solutions and you need to get your **** together before if gets worse (you know these things, you have been in the same boat before as we all have).
Don't feel bad about it, don't stress over it, just take steps to get back on track.
Vent here more, we love that, it's what we do best!!
FS
That is a quite a story. With all the ups and downs, I think you know what you need to do (get off the meds) but I can understand the difficulty in that simple statement.
Like you I have reasons for pain meds, and like you, I just can't be on them. It took being honest with everyone for me to get off the pills for like a 4th time (I even finally came clean with my wife).
If you haven't developed the physical dependance yet, stop before you do... and talk to your doctor.
Tolerance is rough with all of us past addicts, when we go for years without the opiates, that first one is so small, and brings back all the memories of why we started in the first place, but as FT ( you will meet her soon) will tell you, all those receptors for that chemical dope, are still there, they just went quiet for a bit while you were off the drugs. You have woken them up.
Any way, I tend to ramble, but talk to those who are close to you and your Dr., there are other solutions and you need to get your **** together before if gets worse (you know these things, you have been in the same boat before as we all have).
Don't feel bad about it, don't stress over it, just take steps to get back on track.
Vent here more, we love that, it's what we do best!!
FS
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: New Orleans, LA
Posts: 3
Thanks for the input. Luckily, I took the last of the pain meds today, only had 1 Tylenol 3 left. I do have a few Clonopin which I am using to help with some of the horrible stress and anxiety I am feeling about everything going on. Hopefully, it won't last long. More good news: none of my doctors or dentists will give me any more meds. And, I have no more street connections, so it will actually be easier to stay clean than to continue using 
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 49
You certainly don't want to get hooked on benzos but they have really helped me through my taper as well as more traditional anti-anxiety medicine (Buspar for me). You will hear it from a lot of people here but your mindset is super important. Try to get out and do something. I don't live far from you (I see you are in New Orleans) so just go outside and take a walk. It is a beautiful day to be alive, even if you are dragging yourself through a hellish experience. Best of luck.
Do or do not. There is no try.
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 635
Oh man Bodine...First things first welcome to SR my brother. Your story is so similar to mine it brought chills reading it. Nearly identical pasts up to getting sober...I too started early and experimented with everything with the opiates being my downfall. Functioning addict here as well, somehow managed to graduate college while in the middle of my spiral to rock bottom.
Anyways THANK YOU so much for sharing your experiences here with your pain and what not, I too have a bad back that I fear will one day bring me in a similar situation as yours but for now its a day at a time.
You said this that really stuck out to me, "I just dont know how to stop and get the obsession removed again" You DO know how to stop the obsession, you have done it before my friend. You can do it again! You can recover, or re-recover. Start with the most simple things that experienced AAers sometimes forget (ME!)...Honesty, open up, and become willing, fast, to go to any lengths. Please keep us updated here, and good luck.
Anyways THANK YOU so much for sharing your experiences here with your pain and what not, I too have a bad back that I fear will one day bring me in a similar situation as yours but for now its a day at a time.
You said this that really stuck out to me, "I just dont know how to stop and get the obsession removed again" You DO know how to stop the obsession, you have done it before my friend. You can do it again! You can recover, or re-recover. Start with the most simple things that experienced AAers sometimes forget (ME!)...Honesty, open up, and become willing, fast, to go to any lengths. Please keep us updated here, and good luck.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 3,677
Hi Bodine and welcome:
Lots of us think we had it down and got addicted again. I view my past indiscretions, relapses, whatever, as yard sticks to measure my present recovery. I was not the first one to make the observation that without failure, how can success be measured. We just move on, hoping not to let history repeat itself. I'm also not the first one to say that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expect different results. Ha!
Well, I just wanted to jump in here and say welcome to this forum. I am not a spokesperson in any sense of the word, but I come here a lot, post a lot, and I try to help and support everyone the best way I can.
Post some more, tell us how you are, ask questions, share what you know.
Just one more thing to share -- my tolerance to opiates skyrocketed really fast, and I think it was because I used to drink alcohol for years, and even though I quit that, it still leaves damaged dopamine receptors in its wake. They simply wake back up when an addict (yeah, me) starts using again, and even if it is a different substance, the capacity for big time abuse and tolerance is right there with ya, right where you left off.
I'm 4 and a half months clean from a 2 year opiate HELL RIDE, and glad to be clean tonight.
FT
Lots of us think we had it down and got addicted again. I view my past indiscretions, relapses, whatever, as yard sticks to measure my present recovery. I was not the first one to make the observation that without failure, how can success be measured. We just move on, hoping not to let history repeat itself. I'm also not the first one to say that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expect different results. Ha!
Well, I just wanted to jump in here and say welcome to this forum. I am not a spokesperson in any sense of the word, but I come here a lot, post a lot, and I try to help and support everyone the best way I can.
Post some more, tell us how you are, ask questions, share what you know.
Just one more thing to share -- my tolerance to opiates skyrocketed really fast, and I think it was because I used to drink alcohol for years, and even though I quit that, it still leaves damaged dopamine receptors in its wake. They simply wake back up when an addict (yeah, me) starts using again, and even if it is a different substance, the capacity for big time abuse and tolerance is right there with ya, right where you left off.
I'm 4 and a half months clean from a 2 year opiate HELL RIDE, and glad to be clean tonight.
FT
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: New Orleans, LA
Posts: 3
Thank you so much for all the support.
I am now completely off the pain meds. I even tossed the tramadol that they doc gave me. I am still taking the klonopin, 2/day, but I see my shrink next week and hopefully he will give me something non-benzo to help with the anxiety. I am in the process of selling my house and buying a new one, along with trying to have a baby, so, needless to say, I am pretty damn anxious! I do find that the klonopin does not trigger cravings like xanax or ativan. In fact, it doesn't even give me a buzz, but it does help with the anxiety.
I recently spoke with my sponsor and have decided to pick up a 24 hr chip at my next meeting once I am totally free of everything. Even though I just picked up a 2 yr chip in Feb, I am not upset about it in the least.
Thanks again for all the support.
I am now completely off the pain meds. I even tossed the tramadol that they doc gave me. I am still taking the klonopin, 2/day, but I see my shrink next week and hopefully he will give me something non-benzo to help with the anxiety. I am in the process of selling my house and buying a new one, along with trying to have a baby, so, needless to say, I am pretty damn anxious! I do find that the klonopin does not trigger cravings like xanax or ativan. In fact, it doesn't even give me a buzz, but it does help with the anxiety.
I recently spoke with my sponsor and have decided to pick up a 24 hr chip at my next meeting once I am totally free of everything. Even though I just picked up a 2 yr chip in Feb, I am not upset about it in the least.
Thanks again for all the support.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 3,677
Hey Bodine,
That's a huge step, and keep up the good work! I'm glad you recognize the trap that benzos can be, and letting your doctors guide you is the best thing you can do, and the safest.
Keep posting and letting us know how you are doing!
FT
That's a huge step, and keep up the good work! I'm glad you recognize the trap that benzos can be, and letting your doctors guide you is the best thing you can do, and the safest.
Keep posting and letting us know how you are doing!
FT
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 7
Originally Posted by bodine76 
Thank you so much for all the support.
I am now completely off the pain meds. I even tossed the tramadol that they doc gave me. I am still taking the klonopin, 2/day, but I see my shrink next week and hopefully he will give me something non-benzo to help with the anxiety. I am in the process of selling my house and buying a new one, along with trying to have a baby, so, needless to say, I am pretty damn anxious! I do find that the klonopin does not trigger cravings like xanax or ativan. In fact, it doesn't even give me a buzz, but it does help with the anxiety.
I recently spoke with my sponsor and have decided to pick up a 24 hr chip at my next meeting once I am totally free of everything. Even though I just picked up a 2 yr chip in Feb, I am not upset about it in the least.
Thanks again for all the support.
I am now completely off the pain meds. I even tossed the tramadol that they doc gave me. I am still taking the klonopin, 2/day, but I see my shrink next week and hopefully he will give me something non-benzo to help with the anxiety. I am in the process of selling my house and buying a new one, along with trying to have a baby, so, needless to say, I am pretty damn anxious! I do find that the klonopin does not trigger cravings like xanax or ativan. In fact, it doesn't even give me a buzz, but it does help with the anxiety.
I recently spoke with my sponsor and have decided to pick up a 24 hr chip at my next meeting once I am totally free of everything. Even though I just picked up a 2 yr chip in Feb, I am not upset about it in the least.
Thanks again for all the support.
best to you!
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