NorthernLight

This has been such a hard thing for me lately. I want so badly to be open to others. There have been times in the past year where I thought I was getting better at it, but then I just push everyone away again and I'm back where I started.

I also realize that there are times that I don't ask for help because I don't even realize it's a option and even when I do, I don't know how to ask for it. I so wish it was easier for me to let other people in

mushroom

It's really hard for us ACOAs to let people in. We had to shut people out to survive. I know I did. I also didn't learn how to connect, because no one in my immediate family was able to connect to others. I think this is pretty common with us ACOAs. If your parents or caregivers are drinking or enabling, they're not able to make mature healthy interpersonal connections with the kids they're responsible for. This is something we have to learn for ourselves once we free ourselves from that toxic dysfunctional environment.

And it's hard to do! Everyone else seems to already know how to connect, and to know that there's something weird about us. I know with myself, most of my attempts to connect get the cold shoulder so I stop trying, and if someone else is trying to connect with me I panic and shut them out. They must want something from me, since I'm used to being surrounded by manipulative parasites who only reach out when they need something from me or want to take advantage of me.

I don't go to meetings currently but when I did it helped just to be in a room with other people who were in the same boat, made me feel less like a freak. That calmed me down enough to be able to identify a few people in my circle who were able to be supportive and form some kind of relationship.

NorthernLight

And that is the really frustrating part! Everyone else seems to connect so seamlessly and effortlessly, whereas I'm stumbling and fumbling all over myself.

Even being at meetings for me sometimes makes me feel like an outsider- everyone after is milling around talking and joking and I bolt for the door because I don't know what else to do. Listening to people speak during meetings, I hear a lot of things that I can really identify with, but it's always the unstructured parts of life (not just at meetings, but everywhere) that make me feel the least competent at connecting.

mushroom

There are 2 nice things about meetings:

1) you can walk up to someone after the meeting and talk about their share.
2) if you still feel like you're not getting anywhere, you can blame it on the other person's personal issues! 'cause you know everyone there has serious personal issues!

I've noticed that 'normies' have set questions that they use when they're trying to make conversation, such as: what are you reading now, what places would you like to see before you die, what movies have you seen, and of course with guys you hear 'so how 'bout them (insert name of local sports franchise here)?' And if there's any mention of kids, dogs, or cats you are obligated to ask for photos and names and ages, and breed and source in the case of the dogs and cats.

tabfan

Yeah, I agree with the Mushroom. One great way to start a conversation is make some kind of comment about what they talked about during the meeting. Even if you didn't AGREE with what they said, you can always say "I appreciate you SHARING like you did." Then, that way, you are not lying, but simply saying "Thanks for the courage it took to talk in front of the group the way you did." They will take it as a compliment and usually they will start talking. Then, all you gotta do is listen.

marie78

I completely understand where you're coming from. I'm very socially awkward myself. Most of my life has felt like some big party I wasn't invited to, watching others connect so easily and struggling with the smallest of things. All I can tell you is you are not alone, if that gives you any comfort.

It's a difficult and lonely thing to have to deal with, wanting to connect with others but being very leery of others and not knowing how. I tend to push others away also. When someone starts to want to get to know me more deeply or asks about my family I become instantly uncomfortable and will usually find any excuse to end the friendship, usually blaming it on some minor infraction when really I just didn't want them to know who I really am and where I've come from. People can be judgmental and they can also be scared, uncomfortable, or unable to handle the truth. To avoid all of that, I just stay away from people, saying only the bare minimum to most. But it's a lonely way to live.

I wish you the best. May you find someone worth opening up to.

GingerM

Practice can often help. Try opening up to someone about something small in your life. Say something like "This weather really makes me feel ____." The opening up should be about a genuine feeling, but to start with, make the feeling something that is as non-threatening as you can.

To truly open up to someone requires trust that that person isn't going to take your feelings and squash them. We know what that's like, and it isn't pleasant. By a strange twist though, to trust someone means we must open ourselves up to that very possibility. Without truthful discourse, trust cannot be built between two people.

So start small and practice practice practice. I'll give you a few of my feelings for today, in good faith trust to you:

-Today I have to go to work, but I would honestly much rather crawl back into bed. I know work is going to be frustrating.

-I had a short vacation a while ago, which was okay, but I'm not sure if the time I spent away from home was worth the trip.

-In my unhappy times, I daydream about moving to somewhere else far far away: in reality, I know it wouldn't solve my problems, but it helps me get to a better place where I can.

All of the above examples are ways that I have opened up to you without sharing my deep dark secrets. I can build trust with people by trusting them with minor aspects of my life first, then moving forward to things that carry more weight.

Build the trust first, then see if you can open up to the person more.