Goldberry

Blessings to all....
I'm sure many here have gotten late night calls from AParent or whoever, in this case my mom, and you can barely understand what they are saying.

I hate it when the phone rings after 9/10pm. It almost always is either my mom who is drunk or my dad having problems with my mom who is drunk. I live 200 miles away and I always feel so helpless when she calls like that or my dad needs my help to talk to her. She sounds so pitiful and she is not yelling or anything just trying to have a conversation??? I tell her I love her and want to hang up but I just can't. So... I listen and try to talk to her and understand what she is trying to say. Usually it's about many things and all jumbled up. Sometimes I get her to hang up and "go to bed" other times my dad comes to the rescue. Tonight she was in the bedroom and he was in his study oblivious to her calling me. So I was stuck listening and trying to make sense of what she was saying. I understood some of it but some was incoherent. I don't want to be rude because she isn't saying mean things, which has happened before, she is just lonely I guess. Tonight I must have asked her many times where dad was and that she needed to go to bed... They don't listen do they? It was like she had a one track mind and I couldn't through. Finally I did get her to hang up and go to bed by telling her I had to go to bed because of work in the morning. That doesn't always work, but it did tonight.

I know she misses me not being closer, even though I do come "home" several times a year. The thing is she was not an alcoholic, as far as I could see, when I moved away with my husband or even when my boys were growing up. Now that she is older, 70+, she is getting worse with her drinking. She is so depressed and unhappy with her life. They both are I think.

I wish she could have joy and peace and look at the blessings in her life, which are much more, instead of focusing on the sorrows. You have to go forward and not live in the past, right! Guess I just needed to get it off my chest. I always feel just crummy after I hang up and it bothers me for a while... Thanks for listening....

PurpleWilder

I realize they are your parents and you are worried about their wellbeing, but you are not required to answer a ringing phone. I had to learn this early on in my divorce, as my XH knew that I worked nights and slept during the day. I go to work at 10PM and often lie down between 7-9:20 to try and catch a nap. So, guess when he would call?

Finally, I just quit answering the phone. Then it evolved into calling me several times a day when I was trying to sleep. So now it "ringer off" and answering machine on.

Do you have an answering machine? It could save you a lot of headaches. Also, set a rule that unless there is a medical emergency you do not accept calls after 9PM. Be firm no matter what and feel free to turn off the phone to enforce it if you need to.

You deserve a good night's sleep as much as anyone. All these calls late at night can't be good for you.

GingerM

I decided yesterday, after spending a couple of weeks mulling over a particularly nasty conversation with my AF, that I will not answer the phone after 7 pm if caller ID shows it to be him. I can do nothing for him in the state he's in (or probably any other time), the calls are never enjoyable and sometimes they are downright upsetting. So I've told my husband not to answer it after 7.

Instead, I will make more of an effort to call during the times when he's as close to sober as he's going to get. I do want to maintain contact, but not when he doesn't remember even speaking to me and it leaves me upset for days.

tromboneliness

When setting a boundary, it is not necessary to announce what you're doing. There's no rule that says you have to inform the bounder-ee that you will no longer be taking their calls after 9pm or whatever -- just don't answer!

During my Dad's last year or two, when he really started being a total PITA, I gradually decreased my frequency of answering his calls -- because the more often I answered, the more he kept calling. It probably drove him nuts, because he was not used to anyone defying his Divine Right to Control Everyone and Everything™, but once I figured out that there was no penalty for disobedience, I started disobeying. And you know what? I started feeling a lot better!

Was it in some way unfair to do that? I don't know, nor do I care. My Dad spent 47 years being unfair to the rest of us, so what's wrong with a little back-atcha?

T

Seren

(((Goldberry))) I completely understand that feeling that we are obligated to help our parents, but in truth, we are not obligated.

I hope for your peace of mind you will at least consider turning the ringer off after, say, 9 pm. You deserve a good nights sleep, and there really is nothing you can do to help the situation. Your Mom has to decide for herself that she needs help, and your Dad, too, has to decide what he is or is not willing to put up with.

Hugs and prayers for you and your whole family, HG

Goldberry

Thank you all for your caring, helpful comments.

It is very hard to make the decision to not answer the phone because it may be an emergency not just from my parents but someone else. So I get caught thinking the call is important. I wish I had caller ID so I would know who is calling but I don't. I am a night owl anyway so the time is not the biggest problem unless I'm trying to watch something or read..., it's mostly the call itself, especially if it's my mom. I don't mind if my dad calls because we usually have a nice conversation and I like that. He is lonely and needs to talk to someone. I am glad to be there for him. Actually one time my mom called my brother at midnight just to ask him a question! I was there and told her why she was calling and that she could have waited till the next day. Now, my brother lives nearby my folks and I know he is more involved with this craziness. He has major issues too. My two sons, who are in their 20's are upset/concerned about "grandmas drinking" and have witnessed some insane things. I guess I should be grateful my husband and I do not live near them and neither do my boys. I love my parents and they have been through a lot: depression era, broken homes etc... But that's no excuse I know. I just feel so sorry for them that they are not as happy as they could be in their retirement years. Many times my mom has said she wants to die or she says she wants to go away somewhere by herself and leave my dad... I don't know what to say except "Mom, don't say that or Where are you going to go?" I can't fix her or help her or control her. I know I didn't cause her drinking, neither can I cure it but I can show her as much support and love as I can with prayers for help. She deserves that and much more. She took great care of us when we were young and always made us feel loved. She sacrificed a career in music: she is a concert pianist and so talented... She worries way too much about all of us. She takes on the world's problems and ours too which may partly lead to her depression. So I try not to bring my problems to her unless I need her opinion and then I call only in the afternoon when she is more herself. I will always be thankful she is my mom... I ache for her to be that mom again, the one she was some 20-30 years ago... Thanks again to all.
May God bless your day and shine upon you!

mushroom

Hi Goldberry,

My first husband got himself all tied in knots over his elderly father too. His dad would call several times a day. He lived alone and I'm sure he had major depression. Caller ID didn't exist back then. My then-husband would always rush to answer the phone whenever it rang, even though my alcoholic jailbird brother was calling collect at all hours from whatever jail he was in to berate us for ruining his life, even though we never accepted the call.

I kept telling H to not answer the phone if it was late or we were in the middle of dinner or whatever but his response was always, 'But what if it's my father having a heart attack?' he was majorly enmeshed with his father's problems. I mean seriously, what was he supposed to do if his father was having a heart attack?? he should be calling 911, not us. We're not paramedics and we lived 20 minutes away. He'd be dead before we could get there.

How is your answering the phone helping your mother? Will she even remember if you don't answer, or hang up after a few minutes? Can you get Caller ID? it's a real blessing to have, not a luxury. If not, can you get differential rings, so when it's a call from her phone it rings different on your phone? Then you can choose whether to answer or not.

Goldberry

Thank you Mushroom and I know what you mean but to tell the truth I know if I don't answer the phone, esp when they know I am home, they will be hurt and maybe even angry. My mom may not notice that I don't answer but my dad will be hurt if I don't want to talk to him. He is so insecure. They both are really. I do need to not worry about "emergencies" because like you said I could not help them anyway being so far away. Maybe the real reason is that I don't want them to think I am being rude or unloving.... because I do love and care about them. It is tearing me up inside when I see how this disease is taking control of my mom and dad's lives.

Closer to home, I also am worried about my husband who "must" drink so many beers every evening. I see his behavior change when he drinks. He gets a little slurry with his words trying to speak clearly. He may get argumentative or talk a lot or forget stuff?? ... Just like my mom sometimes... It's getting a bit ridiculous. That is why I go to Al-anon once a week. It helps me to better understand this crazy addiction. I am learning how to use tools to help me cope; like to detach when I need to, or to not engage or get baited into an argument, and to put my focus on God instead of myself or my Am&h... It's been very helpful and I even gave my dad some of the free literature. I hope he can get up enough courage to go to one in his area. He so needs the support.

tromboneliness

Yup -- and you will have successfully set a boundary. I had to do this with my Dad, because otherwise, he would just keep tugging on the rope, trying to pull me in. When I figured out that I didn't have to win the tug-o-war -- I could just let go of the rope -- I'm sure it drove him nuts, but it sharply reduced the amount of psychological damage he was able to inflict on me.

If our boundar-ees are insecure and hurt when we stick up for ourselves, well, there's not much we can do about that, is there? It's their choice. If they'd act like grownups and treat us the same way, we wouldn't have to do this -- but they don't, so we do.

T

CheekyAngel

I know the exact feeling of getting random phone calls. My mother rings me up crying and i feel bad if i hang up. But what i do now is, if the call is abusive is warn her once, warn her twice and the third time i hang up.
A few times though she lures me into an arguement. But i do my best.

When shes crying, i tell her sometimes that i understand she is upset but there is phisically nothing i can do for her. When she is like that, it is really really diffucult to hang up. What my mother does is she will barely talk, it will be just crying noises and the odd sentance. So, when its like that, i will put the phone beside me and let her ramble on. Then pick it up everynow and again and repeat "there's nothing i can do" and phrases like that. But i dont know what shes capable of when drunk and depressed, so i cant help but worry.

I dont know will the tips i said will put an end to the phone calls, but it is a way that makes you feel slightly less guilty (because your not hanging up and you are still on the phone) and you are taking control of where you were being controled before - the phone calls.

It can be so fustrating because you feel bad and like you said they are lonely. But when you think about it...why should we feel bad??

Hope that helps,
CheekyAngel...

positiveadjust

That situation is a lot of times sad and at the same time annoying. But i guess what still matters most is how we treat our parents. They must have had those days too when they are sooo tired and feels like sleeping for eternity but we (their children) needed their help or assistance but they never murmur =)

Goldberry

Thank you CheekyAngel and positiveadjust for your keen insights. That is exactly how I feel for them. I have done just what you did too CA... let my mom ramble on and every so often say something. I like the idea of warning her if she is being abusive... Her calls are not normally abusive but it has happened and I can't stand it. It bothers me for days afterwards. Mostly though she just calls and rambles on like your mom, not crying but still depressed about other people, the world problems etc.... Half of what she says is either repetitive or not understandable at all, meaning I can't hear her or it makes no sense. She has passed out on me over the phone and I have yelled into the phone to wake her up. Very annoying. And yes PA, it is sad but annoying... you're so right about that and how they sacrificed to raise me. I owe them so much, really. But I still feel like screaming! Sorry for the abbreviations it was just easier. Thanks again so much for caring.

tromboneliness

Big difference, though: When we acted infantile, we were infants. When they act infantile, they are old enough to know better. The fact that they're our parents does not automatically give them license to do whatever they want, manipulate us, and have the right to order us around. If they don't act like grownups, we are not obligated to put up with their sh*t.

My advice? Spend a few bucks for Caller ID. It's worth it. Don't answer the phone. When they start to realize that you're not on the short leash anymore, they'll stop jerking you around so much. With my Dad, it became a self-feeding cycle -- if I answered the phone, he'd just keep calling more and more often. Once I started answering only every 2nd or 3rd call, he started to get the message; I was not going to jump when he said "Boo" anymore. So he'd only call if there was something worth calling about.

Just the fact that they're our parents DOES NOT GIVE THEM THE RIGHT TO ORDER US AROUND anymore. If they're making bad decisions in their old age, we should not enable that -- all that does is ensure that they'll keep making bad decisions!

T

CheekyAngel

Yeah i agree with tromboneliness... If they ring and you answer and listen to them constantly, you are letting them control you and use you. This will keep happening if you allow it.
When you take control and not allow them to have that power...calls will reduce. My mother now knows that i will not put up with her sh**. her calls to me have now reduced and she now knows what i will and wont tolerate.

I still feel bad but to be honest my mother has completely ruined my childhood so i am not willing to let her problems become mine. I have my own difficulties to deal with and to be fully honest i dont have the strenght or ability to take on hers as well.

Wishing you all the best....

justjo

I use to get calls all hours of the day and night. So drunk and out of it that I couldnt understand what she was saying too.
After listening for so long and not trying to be rude, I decided to take the phone off the hook. If it was an emergency, anyone who knew me could call my mobile phone.
sometimes I would listen, she would call back an hour later and wouldnt even remember talking to me - so my guess is that your mum doesnt remember calling. The trouble is, they get to us and they go back to sleep. Sleep yourself and let the night calls stop for your own sanity. JJ