tulipo123

My question is complicated to me. It is Am I an addict? of course I know no one can tell me that, but I'm finding it to be a hard thing figure out. I guess I am comparing myself to people that really are so into the addiction and people that have used and used and lost a lot.

Im very unsure of myself and lack self esteem because I am embarrassed to ask any questions as people might just think Im looking for a problem.

I was in AA half-heartdly many years ago and stayed sober for about 4 years. It wasnt very hard for me. I was also self concious then as my problems only seemed minute compared to the other people there. I just seemed like a typical kid (22) who was getting wild drinking and doing drugs here and there.
fast forward got married while sober to a sober person. (also recovering) in between had a child... when she was almost a year found out husband was a sex addict... worked through a lot of it. My life turned upside down. a lot happened in between but lets just say His addiction changed to drugs and continues to be...
I got back together with him knowing that he was doing pills (oxy roxy ritilan) etc. he was seeing a dr and sporadicly clean using suboxine. While we were apart I did play around with pills pks, extacy mushrooms and was abusing ritilan (helped me with school)and the likes plus klonipin for a couple years.
anyway...here i am now. I don't know how long 'Ive been using. It started out id take one here and there and sometimes for period pain or back ache whatever. Mostly roxy the blue ones. started out swallowing them and pretending I didnt like them so much. Id say ive been ingesting them sporaticly for about a year. over the past few months I took more and would take it for many more ailments (manipulating husband) and feeling cravings.

honestly I dont know for how long and have taken oxy roxy vicodin perc, whatever I could get without making a fuss. now over the past I dont know, few months have been taking blue roxys a few times a week snorting them feeling great and wanting to continue. Im only taking like 2-3 which is like 90 mgs but i love them. embarrassed but obsess over it and stoped for a few days and got withdrawl. now i keep starting and stopping. My husband gave me some suboxine and it helps sometimes but I guess i just wanna quit cold turkey. Im really wondering if its possible that i am addicted from such little use. It may be even less than im mentioning cause i dont even remember. I feel like a poser showing up at na meetings and my hub although still using refuses to get me more. i dont know where to turn. I feel so lost and that i am making something outta nothing.
i am so sorry for the incoherent message but im filled with feelings and have no one to talk to about it. my husband and his friend are the only ones who know and are in active addiction. please someone try to get back to me.

whiskerkissed

It can take one single misuse of a drug to become addicted. Its not unique to do that. If your use of drugs is making your life miserable - you qualify. Yes - only you can make the final decision. Taking them ANY other way than intended is drug abuse sweetie.

There are a lot of things I never did either while using. I never lost my house, never arrested as an adult, never was a hooker on a street corner, etc. Some of these people have become my closest friends in the rooms of NA, however. I can't compare myself to how my drug use affected me to others bottoms. Mine was definitely bad enough. 35 yrs I used (AND DON'T COMPARE THAT! JUST AN EXAMPLE) ;-) If I look at the differences - I'm worse than some and never went as far as others.

Something I read on here when I first found SR - you've hit bottom when you quit digging.

I don't have to go as far as others to know I'm an addict or to know I need help. Look at the similarities instead. The same disease has made our lives miserable. The same disease will try to kill us. The same disease brings our differences together.

You only have to go through the withdrawals one last time. Never again do you need to use a drug. The cravings will go away with time and a support system will help you through.

Get back to meetings, get a sponsor, work some steps. It can and does get better!

SquareHead

I have a similar past to yours. I started using alcohol & various drugs at 12 or 13. I used pretty much daily until I graduated college. I started a career & that became my new addiction & only used maybe a dozen times a year, but when I did I always took it too far. I got married to a great wife & have 3 terrific sons. I wasn't using daily, but was living a dry sobriety. I switched careers about 9 years ago & hated my new job. I also had more free time (which isn't good for me or most addicts). I started with percs & made my way up to 30mg Roxy's in quick fashion. For the last 8 years I've been on opiates & as usual, my needs grew. At the end I was burning through a months script in about 5 days & taking 600-800mgs daily. My life had begun to spin out of control & I was a shell of my old self. I made a decision to stop & went through hell to get to where I am today.

It sounds like you're on a bad path, but only you can make that decision. I agree with whiskerkissed that a 12 step program has been very helpful for me. The fact that you're asking the question should be a red flag & can be a positive one if you choose to get clean.

I've got 90 days today. It wasn't easy by any stretch, but it's the best decision I've ever made. I have no desire to go back to the life I was living or dying from.

tulipo123

Thanks for sharing your story. mazal tov on being clean 90 days! its a miracle!. although I have seen so many people get taken in and downward by addiction it didn't stop me.(Father, Husband, friends) I didnt think I was invincible but the LOVE of the feeling of opiates was worth it all at the time and sometimes still feels it. Husband keeps telling me how stupid it is that i do it and that Its like I was asking for trouble. I believe the first time I took enough I was hooked mentally. Ive been so depressed for so long and already addicted to benxos. The respite of depression and actually feeling good sure got me. Even though I see where he is(very addicted struggling and at the end of his rope) Also financially two addicts under one roof (not selling drugs and husband has super high tolerance). We make a nice salary yet,rent, car, food, clothing, and tuition Are such a stressors bills are not getting paid. Its total chaos at home. part of me enjoys being addicted with him because we share something and before he was in his own bubble.(super codapendant!!!) I don't know what to do because Im in withdrawal (he said its nothing compared to his withdrawal and I can for sure get through it cold turkey, as hes been using for years at high mgs. Im so long winded and messed up today. I cant imagine that my witdrawl is a peice of cake it hurts a lot pain sweating stomach issues and freezing to name some symptoms. He's on and off not sober and comes home high sometimes, it kills me. He has suboxine but uses it sometimes, he says I contribute to his using cause i am asking for drugs. I get so angry and jealous. I want to make the right decisions about my treatment and cant imagine doing this alone. I have a daughter and Thank God Im a pretty good mother but Im tired of telling her I dont feel good. Also I take her to school very late somedaysl Shes in school 8-3:30 but after if im deopxing i cant bathe her or cook! read I only use at night, but it affects me all day. No suboxine today... cause i dont want it. Feeling bad but cant complain to him and he is the only one that knows. I am part of a community that is not open to addiction and especially for women. I am an orthodox
jew. my evaluation is tomorrow for outpatient facility but on the phone i was reccomended in patient detox. I would really like to go so I dont have to deal with real life while getting physically sober but my husband is totally against it. as we have a 5 year old and feels he cant work his schedule around it and "she needs me" hes not sober either (functuions well and is good with her, doesnt drive with her etc...
he has no health insurance and I do, He said if anyone should go it should be him but he has made no effort to get insurance or try to inpatient detox. I guess i want to go away for detox (maybe they can help with the benzos? Im so sorry to go on and on im just desperate for advice. someone please give me some feedback!

PS i go for evluatiion thurs and am obsessing on getting some roxys tonight one last time. It excites me beyond belief. does everyone binge before rehab??

forgive me for writing my heart out. I feel so alone

SquareHead

I think that your obsession of getting more probably answers your first question of "Am I an Addict", but that's for you to decide.
I pretty much always knew that I'm an addict. Friends always questioned my using habits, but I just figured I had high tolerances, but deep down I always knew.
I would highly suggest either detox or going under a Dr's care especially for the Benzo's. They can be very dangerous to detox from on your own.
I hope you figure this out & get the help you need.