TOPIC: Mommie Dearest
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,238
TOPIC: Mommie Dearest
Hi Im Sharon and Im an
Alcoholic. I am also an
Adult of a sick parent.
By the grace of my HP
and peope like you here
in SR I havent found
it necessary to pick up
a drink of alcohol since
8-11-90.
For that and you I am
truely grateful.
I was watching a documentary
on Joan Crawford this
morning and recall a
striking resemblance
of my mom's behavior
to her owns.
If you are not familar
with Joan Crawford, she is
best remembered for her
starring role of Mommie
Dearest and her famous
line, "no more wire
hangers."
The documentary tells
of Joans life as an
actress raising kids.
Due to her own poverty
up bringing, she drank
and abused her kids
while trying to control
her career and life style.
Joan's public and private
life style was precieved
in the eyes of many as
normal until yrs. later
after her death it was
exposed in a movie
and book.
Fast forwarding to my
own life and upbringing.
It was similar in many
ways to Christina's life.
She was the daughter
that wrote the book of
the detailed events of
her life with her mom.
The abuse she sustained
at her sick mom's hands.
For me, my mom was
exactly like Joan in many
ways. She was an elegant
fashionable women whom
people saw as a kind,
loving, varying person.
Little did they know
that behind doors she
turned into a monster.
A controling person wanting
everything emmaculate.
And if it wasnt, then I
caught hell.
The only one out of 4
kids to endure physical
and verbal abuse.
Like Christina telling
her story of her own
abuse, many didnt believe
her. Wondering why
would Joan treat her
own child like that
when people admired
and loved her.
No one ever thought
Joan would behave in
such a cruel manner.
That's the same with
my own mom. No one
thinks my mom ever
hurt me like she did.
It is all made up in my
mind.
Shoots....i should write
my own memoirs of
events I went thru as
a child from the dairies
I kept during that
horrifying time of
my life.
If you are familiar
with the Cinderella
story then that too
is another similar
story of my life.
Alcoholic. I am also an
Adult of a sick parent.
By the grace of my HP
and peope like you here
in SR I havent found
it necessary to pick up
a drink of alcohol since
8-11-90.
For that and you I am
truely grateful.
I was watching a documentary
on Joan Crawford this
morning and recall a
striking resemblance
of my mom's behavior
to her owns.
If you are not familar
with Joan Crawford, she is
best remembered for her
starring role of Mommie
Dearest and her famous
line, "no more wire
hangers."
The documentary tells
of Joans life as an
actress raising kids.
Due to her own poverty
up bringing, she drank
and abused her kids
while trying to control
her career and life style.
Joan's public and private
life style was precieved
in the eyes of many as
normal until yrs. later
after her death it was
exposed in a movie
and book.
Fast forwarding to my
own life and upbringing.
It was similar in many
ways to Christina's life.
She was the daughter
that wrote the book of
the detailed events of
her life with her mom.
The abuse she sustained
at her sick mom's hands.
For me, my mom was
exactly like Joan in many
ways. She was an elegant
fashionable women whom
people saw as a kind,
loving, varying person.
Little did they know
that behind doors she
turned into a monster.
A controling person wanting
everything emmaculate.
And if it wasnt, then I
caught hell.
The only one out of 4
kids to endure physical
and verbal abuse.
Like Christina telling
her story of her own
abuse, many didnt believe
her. Wondering why
would Joan treat her
own child like that
when people admired
and loved her.
No one ever thought
Joan would behave in
such a cruel manner.
That's the same with
my own mom. No one
thinks my mom ever
hurt me like she did.
It is all made up in my
mind.
Shoots....i should write
my own memoirs of
events I went thru as
a child from the dairies
I kept during that
horrifying time of
my life.
If you are familiar
with the Cinderella
story then that too
is another similar
story of my life.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,913
I'm sorry you had to deal with that, but, with all due respect, we can't just automatically believe what was written in that book. I have read other books saying that it was a bunch of crap. Joan Crawford also adopted a set of twin girls and both of them say there were no beatings at all, let alone with wire hangers.
AAudrey
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Stamford, CT
Posts: 209
aasharon THANK YOU! I came into aa hopeless. On Wednesday, I will have 2 years. I cannot manage the emotional physical pain that I feel when the thought of the things my mother (and father) did when I was a child. Unspeakable abuse. Physical, emotional, and then some...while drinking and when not. In front of me, to me, my siblings and strangers when they could. I've witnessed some pretty horriffic events.
That was my fear then, no one will and no one does, believe me. And when they do, I believe I don't deserve to be believed because it's so unfathonable I'd rather deny it than face it. Easy to do with a glass of wine in your hand on a daily basis, not so much today.
I learned in aa that a grain of understanding can grant pardon to a seemingly unforgiveable circumstance.
However, when it comes to these deplorable acts, it's impossible to resolve it with a spiritual axiom, but rather spiritual principles.
Have you recovered????!!! How do you manage your feelings about your mom in your brain? I have physical emottional pain when the thoughts take over at night. And am obsessed with her either admitting everything, and seeking justice. (There's proof) Help!
That was my fear then, no one will and no one does, believe me. And when they do, I believe I don't deserve to be believed because it's so unfathonable I'd rather deny it than face it. Easy to do with a glass of wine in your hand on a daily basis, not so much today.
I learned in aa that a grain of understanding can grant pardon to a seemingly unforgiveable circumstance.
However, when it comes to these deplorable acts, it's impossible to resolve it with a spiritual axiom, but rather spiritual principles.
Have you recovered????!!! How do you manage your feelings about your mom in your brain? I have physical emottional pain when the thoughts take over at night. And am obsessed with her either admitting everything, and seeking justice. (There's proof) Help!
AAudrey
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Stamford, CT
Posts: 209
Originally Posted by suki44883 
I'm sorry you had to deal with that, but, with all due respect, we can't just automatically believe what was written in that book. I have read other books saying that it was a bunch of crap. Joan Crawford also adopted a set of twin girls and both of them say there were no beatings at all, let alone with wire hangers.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,913
Originally Posted by Spirit08
Are you saying that you are choosing to believe authors who say it's all of a bunch of crap, that were outside of the home, rather then her own daughter? hmmmm Go figure. Am suprised! In any event, my sister doesn't REMEMBER anything. She's 50 years old and has no memory of her childhood AT ALL. Simply because other siblings recall their childhood differently, does not make what one child tells to be real to her, a bunch of crap in my belief.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,238
Thanks guys for sharing....
In the documentary it is
said that the twins lived
a better life than Christina
and her brother and that
Joan was happy at that
time. So the last 2 kids
never experienced any
sort of abuse like the
first 2 did.
I didnt read the book
but saw the movie and
documentaries.
What the movie and
documentary depicked
was exactly similar to
the way my mom abused
me.
If what Christina says
is true, i believe her.
Unless you havent been
abused, you'll never
know the extent of
emotion and physcologigal
damage that is done to
someone who has.
My mom knows she
hurt me, but due to
her drinking and prescription
mixed, she doesnt recall
all the abuse she did to me.
I remember very vividly
as it were yesterday.
Have I recovered.....
It was suggested that I
take care of my alcoholism
first before anything else.
And I have for 20 yrs.
Having a program of
recovery has been a blessing
and life changing experience
for me.
I know today that there isnt
anything I can cant face today
head on as long as I have
the tools and knowledge of
a recovery program and Faith
to guide me every step of the
way.
I have separated myself
from my family who was
and still is infectious.
I am too far down the
road to allow myself
to be contaminated
by their sickness.
It's not healthy for me.
Today I know for sure
I am a child of my Higher
Power whom I call God.
He has been with me thru
thick and thin, guiding me
all along the way.
The events that have
happened in my life are
exactly what are to be
to get me where I am
today.
I didnt ask for the abuse
and maybe Joan Crawford
didnt either. Her parent
was abusive to her as my
mom was to me and thus
the chain of abuse continued
from one family to another
until the chain is broken.
Thank God it was when
I had my own kids.
Sure, i continue to play
tapes of the abuse over
in my mind and i cant help
but shake my head in
disbelief. Why was it me?
Why didnt my sibling help
me when they saw me hurt
and abused?
Why do I still have fears?
Why am I filled with anxiety
when Im closed in tight
places?
Why didnt I really run away
or to a neighbors house for
help when I had the chance
to?
When a parent whips you
or uses whatever tool is near
to hurt you, to cause pain,
draws blood, cuts you,
bruises you, threatens you,
especially when u r a little
child, fear sets in.
I became parallyzed with
fear because of the extent
of more abuse would come
if anyone found out.
I snuck out the house
after a beating and could
have fled, but fear kept
me hidden close to the
house where i was found.
I could have told a guidance
councilor at school, made
an appointment, then backed
out due to fear.
Yrs. of keeping this secret
to protect her image in
a small town and work.
She's old now and over
the yrs i tried to stay close
and visit to only be turned
away or be controlled too
many times.
Enough was enough and thus
the ties were finally cut.
Joan was a control freak
or had an impulsive controlling
disorder....
I saw from the documentary
and movie how she wanted
everything around her perfect
and if it wasnt she would drink
and become abusive.
One time and the same thing
happened with Joan....my mom
called the authorities after a
around of arguements and not
being able to control me and my
brother. They came in and we
talked before they left.
I ran to the bathroom, humiliated
and wanted to end my life. I
looked in the mirror with
tears streaming praying and
Figured God didnt want me
to hurt myself and give my
mom the satisfaction.
.......she wanted our house
to be perfectly cleaned like
a museum which I had to do
alone.
I learned to vacuum with
lines uniformed in the
carpet just so she could see
that I vacuumed.
I had to keep the siblings
off the floor till she came
home from work.
I could go on and on
with this.... however....
Today I know she cant
physically hurt me like
she use to and verbally
she could but I dont talk
to her anymore.
Physcologically she remains
in my head if i let her. Why...
Because im damaged goods.
Happy sober damaged child
of God.
No child should ever be hurt.
In the documentary it is
said that the twins lived
a better life than Christina
and her brother and that
Joan was happy at that
time. So the last 2 kids
never experienced any
sort of abuse like the
first 2 did.
I didnt read the book
but saw the movie and
documentaries.
What the movie and
documentary depicked
was exactly similar to
the way my mom abused
me.
If what Christina says
is true, i believe her.
Unless you havent been
abused, you'll never
know the extent of
emotion and physcologigal
damage that is done to
someone who has.
My mom knows she
hurt me, but due to
her drinking and prescription
mixed, she doesnt recall
all the abuse she did to me.
I remember very vividly
as it were yesterday.
Have I recovered.....
It was suggested that I
take care of my alcoholism
first before anything else.
And I have for 20 yrs.
Having a program of
recovery has been a blessing
and life changing experience
for me.
I know today that there isnt
anything I can cant face today
head on as long as I have
the tools and knowledge of
a recovery program and Faith
to guide me every step of the
way.
I have separated myself
from my family who was
and still is infectious.
I am too far down the
road to allow myself
to be contaminated
by their sickness.
It's not healthy for me.
Today I know for sure
I am a child of my Higher
Power whom I call God.
He has been with me thru
thick and thin, guiding me
all along the way.
The events that have
happened in my life are
exactly what are to be
to get me where I am
today.
I didnt ask for the abuse
and maybe Joan Crawford
didnt either. Her parent
was abusive to her as my
mom was to me and thus
the chain of abuse continued
from one family to another
until the chain is broken.
Thank God it was when
I had my own kids.
Sure, i continue to play
tapes of the abuse over
in my mind and i cant help
but shake my head in
disbelief. Why was it me?
Why didnt my sibling help
me when they saw me hurt
and abused?
Why do I still have fears?
Why am I filled with anxiety
when Im closed in tight
places?
Why didnt I really run away
or to a neighbors house for
help when I had the chance
to?
When a parent whips you
or uses whatever tool is near
to hurt you, to cause pain,
draws blood, cuts you,
bruises you, threatens you,
especially when u r a little
child, fear sets in.
I became parallyzed with
fear because of the extent
of more abuse would come
if anyone found out.
I snuck out the house
after a beating and could
have fled, but fear kept
me hidden close to the
house where i was found.
I could have told a guidance
councilor at school, made
an appointment, then backed
out due to fear.
Yrs. of keeping this secret
to protect her image in
a small town and work.
She's old now and over
the yrs i tried to stay close
and visit to only be turned
away or be controlled too
many times.
Enough was enough and thus
the ties were finally cut.
Joan was a control freak
or had an impulsive controlling
disorder....
I saw from the documentary
and movie how she wanted
everything around her perfect
and if it wasnt she would drink
and become abusive.
One time and the same thing
happened with Joan....my mom
called the authorities after a
around of arguements and not
being able to control me and my
brother. They came in and we
talked before they left.
I ran to the bathroom, humiliated
and wanted to end my life. I
looked in the mirror with
tears streaming praying and
Figured God didnt want me
to hurt myself and give my
mom the satisfaction.
.......she wanted our house
to be perfectly cleaned like
a museum which I had to do
alone.
I learned to vacuum with
lines uniformed in the
carpet just so she could see
that I vacuumed.
I had to keep the siblings
off the floor till she came
home from work.
I could go on and on
with this.... however....
Today I know she cant
physically hurt me like
she use to and verbally
she could but I dont talk
to her anymore.
Physcologically she remains
in my head if i let her. Why...
Because im damaged goods.
Happy sober damaged child
of God.
No child should ever be hurt.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Hey gang, this forum is about _us_ and _our_ recovery.
It's not about what somebody else wrote in a book. If you want to chat about books and authors and celebrities please take it to the cafe
Café Central - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
or the book club
The Book Club - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Mike
Moderator, SR
It's not about what somebody else wrote in a book. If you want to chat about books and authors and celebrities please take it to the cafe
Café Central - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
or the book club
The Book Club - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Mike
Moderator, SR
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,238
Thanks DesertEyes.
This was only about
comparing one of my
parents behavior to
a stars behavior.
When I was in rehab
back in 1990 we had to
watch movies of stars
protraiting famous stars
with addiction.
Susan Hayward was
one.
As A child I sat up late
at night watching old
movies with my mom
when everyone else
was asleep.
Some of those movies
with Joan Crawford
or Betty Davis in them
playing alcoholics and
how they acted and behaved.
I sat there hoping my
mom would see herself
in them. As if to say...
mom dont you see how
you are hurting me. The
same exact way those
actresses where hurting
their loved ones.
We go to meetings and
listen and see ourselves
in others. The same exact
behaviors they have
when under the enfluence
we see in ourselves.
Comparison that's all.
This was only about
comparing one of my
parents behavior to
a stars behavior.
When I was in rehab
back in 1990 we had to
watch movies of stars
protraiting famous stars
with addiction.
Susan Hayward was
one.
As A child I sat up late
at night watching old
movies with my mom
when everyone else
was asleep.
Some of those movies
with Joan Crawford
or Betty Davis in them
playing alcoholics and
how they acted and behaved.
I sat there hoping my
mom would see herself
in them. As if to say...
mom dont you see how
you are hurting me. The
same exact way those
actresses where hurting
their loved ones.
We go to meetings and
listen and see ourselves
in others. The same exact
behaviors they have
when under the enfluence
we see in ourselves.
Comparison that's all.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,238
Having a recovery program
in place helps understand
our past where we fell victim
to family members sick with
addictions.
A recovery program to help
us to love ourselves back
to life and not blame ourselves
for a parents addiction.
A program of recovery to
help forgive but never forget.
It leaves the door open just
enough to remind us of what
we went thru so that we can
stop the chain of abuse before
it hurts another innocent child
or adult.
A recovery program to
protect urself from further
abuse as I have.
in place helps understand
our past where we fell victim
to family members sick with
addictions.
A recovery program to help
us to love ourselves back
to life and not blame ourselves
for a parents addiction.
A program of recovery to
help forgive but never forget.
It leaves the door open just
enough to remind us of what
we went thru so that we can
stop the chain of abuse before
it hurts another innocent child
or adult.
A recovery program to
protect urself from further
abuse as I have.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Under the Rainbow
Posts: 1,086
That was my fear then, no one will and no one does, believe me. And when they do, I believe I don't deserve to be believed because it's so unfathonable I'd rather deny it than face it.
It isn't good to use this "looking glass self" type therapy in the long run, or for everything, but for the initial acceptance of how badly things were, it is helpful. You can turn the "looking glass" around as well. Would you believe someone who told you your own story as theirs? It sounds like you would. Would you have sympathy for them? I think you would.
For the record: I believe you. While I don't know the details, I believe that you had a pretty horrid existence during a very critical part of your life. Would you believe that I did too?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,238
Victims of abuse know
the truth and so does
the man upstairs.
Im learning that I dont
need to convince anyone
nor need to explain.
I know, cause I did
for so many years with
my own little family.
I got sick and tired of
explaining why I was
the way I was as a result
of my past and none truely
understood.
The only people that I
can share my traumatic
past with is those in recovery.
Those that have been there
done that similar to my own
experiences.
the truth and so does
the man upstairs.
Im learning that I dont
need to convince anyone
nor need to explain.
I know, cause I did
for so many years with
my own little family.
I got sick and tired of
explaining why I was
the way I was as a result
of my past and none truely
understood.
The only people that I
can share my traumatic
past with is those in recovery.
Those that have been there
done that similar to my own
experiences.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
Those that have been there
done that similar to my own
experiences.
done that similar to my own
experiences.
Sharon,
I am so sorry that those things happened to you, and I wish you healing.
Just because someone has a child, that does not make them a parent. it means they had a child. Parenting to me, means loving,caring for and raising a child, without causing damage to them.
I dont know if I would even wish to see her, after that. Seeing someone who will not even acknowledge what they have done is very hurtful, I think. It is maddening to me, and I need to stay away from their sick denial . My mother was mean to us, before she became alcoholic, then all he11 broke loose. She denied it , always, that she affected our lives with her choices.
I am glad that you can talk about it, that helps. That little girl in you hurts still, and needs love and someone (you) to tell her that she did not deserve this. I am just so sorry. I wish we could protect all the children. I think it is amazing that you knew that God would not want bad things for you. That you believed in Him, even tho the closest person to you did not take care of your precious heart. I , too, prayed and turned to God as a child. I feel He was near me, in my darkest times.
bless you and your healing process. congrats on your sobriety, too.
hugs,
chicory
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Australia
Posts: 281
aasharon90, I understand the comparison. I will never forget seeing that movie about Joan Crawford when I was a teenager. I was sitting there with a couple of my siblings (there are five of us) and we watched it, looked at each other and never said a word. But we knew...we all did...we were watching our mother...albeit a milder version of violent person who was our mother during the horrific hell that was our childhood. And, I carry the wounds of that life and have carried them into my adulthood and have attracted similar characters to play the roles of my mother/father again. Recovery for me is more like discovery, because I don't want to reclaim something that was lost along the way because I never had it to begin with. I need to discover what I never had, re-parent myself and be a friend to myself because I'm a living, breathing being, worthy of respect, love and dignity. This is my goal anyway. Actually, maybe I should say plan. I read somewhere else on SR today that a goal isn't a plan and hope isn't a strategy. Wise words! Thanks aasharon for your post. 
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