Emotions While Working on Step 8 and 9
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2007
Posts: 107
Emotions While Working on Step 8 and 9
I've made my list and am starting on amends. I've been putting this off, fighting it, questioning ad nauseum where I truly caused harm.
I'm having a whirlwind of emotions and thoughts that are contributing to a pretty frazzled state of mind for me. I have a lot of guilt, shame, anger, denial, resentment - and I was NOT feeling this way so overwhelmingly until I started my 8th step.
I know there is a lot of fear around making my amends.
I am praying for willingness to make these amends and willingness to trust my Higher Power with this process.
Does anyone relate to feeling this way?
I'm having a whirlwind of emotions and thoughts that are contributing to a pretty frazzled state of mind for me. I have a lot of guilt, shame, anger, denial, resentment - and I was NOT feeling this way so overwhelmingly until I started my 8th step.
I know there is a lot of fear around making my amends.
I am praying for willingness to make these amends and willingness to trust my Higher Power with this process.
Does anyone relate to feeling this way?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Kansas
Posts: 3,937
I felt like the worlds biggest butthead, stumbling back into places I was sure I wasn't welcome. Most went very well, some were awkward some established a sense of pride I hadn't known for a long time.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,697
It helps to be very precise about this process and not jam 8 and 9 together - with the help of the directions in the book...I was only nervous about the first direct ammend I made.
Make a list
Become willing
Make direct ammends
That "become willing" piece is the only one we don't have direct control over, but at some point it became more important to make the ammends that it did to worry about my feelings over them.
Yes, I got wrapped up in the guilt and shame of past harm but the difference was - I had tapped into the power that could make the ammends possible and came to rely on it.
Good work moving forward.
Make a list
Become willing
Make direct ammends
That "become willing" piece is the only one we don't have direct control over, but at some point it became more important to make the ammends that it did to worry about my feelings over them.
Yes, I got wrapped up in the guilt and shame of past harm but the difference was - I had tapped into the power that could make the ammends possible and came to rely on it.
Good work moving forward.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 58
I suggest to my sponsees that they make 3 columns for the amends based on time frame:
Now, Later, Never
Place the names in the appropriate column and start with the nows. The easier ones go in the now, the harder in Later and then Never. These are the ones I am willing to do right away. I did it this way and it helped me. I found that the laters became sooner because of the results of the first group. If I was reluctant, I asked for the willingness. These were the ones in the third group.
Before I went to make the amend, I looked over my 4th step then talked to my sponsor about the amend. I found that as I progressed through the groups, willingness came for all amends, including the nevers. I walked through the fear and in the end obtained the freedom that only amends can provide.
There was one amend that could have affected my family, and after talking with them about the possible consequences, and with approval, I went ahead and made that final amends. The amend could have been jail and the loss of my livelihood. However, the end result was an invitation to the annual BBQ from the principle involved.
Now, Later, Never
Place the names in the appropriate column and start with the nows. The easier ones go in the now, the harder in Later and then Never. These are the ones I am willing to do right away. I did it this way and it helped me. I found that the laters became sooner because of the results of the first group. If I was reluctant, I asked for the willingness. These were the ones in the third group.
Before I went to make the amend, I looked over my 4th step then talked to my sponsor about the amend. I found that as I progressed through the groups, willingness came for all amends, including the nevers. I walked through the fear and in the end obtained the freedom that only amends can provide.
There was one amend that could have affected my family, and after talking with them about the possible consequences, and with approval, I went ahead and made that final amends. The amend could have been jail and the loss of my livelihood. However, the end result was an invitation to the annual BBQ from the principle involved.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Pugetopolis
Posts: 2,384
I was free of resentment by the time I got to amends. It doesn't do any good to make amends to someone if you still resent them, if you do the amends is a lie.
If you are feeling guilty it is probably because you have good reason to. If a person doesn't wake up to the harm they've caused others and not feel some guilt and remorse, something is wrong with them. Be aware too, that there are some things you'll simply have to live with.
"I am praying for willingness to make these amends and willingness to trust my Higher Power with this process."
I remember asking my sponsor how would I know when I was willing to make amends. He said "You'll hear a really funny noise." I asked what that would sound like. He said ":Like this:" and rapped his knuckles on the table KNOCK! KNOCK! KNOCK!
Here is a prayer you can use, but don't say it if you don't really want to know, because it will mess with you:
"Dear God,
Please show if the these unfinished amends have anything to do with me drinking again."
Amen
If you are feeling guilty it is probably because you have good reason to. If a person doesn't wake up to the harm they've caused others and not feel some guilt and remorse, something is wrong with them. Be aware too, that there are some things you'll simply have to live with.
"I am praying for willingness to make these amends and willingness to trust my Higher Power with this process."
I remember asking my sponsor how would I know when I was willing to make amends. He said "You'll hear a really funny noise." I asked what that would sound like. He said ":Like this:" and rapped his knuckles on the table KNOCK! KNOCK! KNOCK!
Here is a prayer you can use, but don't say it if you don't really want to know, because it will mess with you:
"Dear God,
Please show if the these unfinished amends have anything to do with me drinking again."
Amen
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Redding Ca
Posts: 6
i'm totally stressing over my 8th and 9th step cuz i already know that i don't want to make an amends to my ex-husband because he is still doing things to hurt me. i KNOW i have to get past that to get through these steps but i'm hanging on to this resentment like i can't believe... i've tried to process it over and over and i've prayed about it a lot but it's just still there... i just don't know what to do... i guess i'm just not willing to let go of it yet but that causes a problem to my serenity so i better figure this one out very soon...
Don't resist, allow
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: South East of England
Posts: 1,521
Hi Juliette,do put out of your mind Step 9 completely while you are doing Step 8.
All of us have someone in our life who causes us problems in recovery. The steps enable us to live life with them not changing but not having the power to hurt us any more. Surely that is what you want with your ex? Or as you say you don't want to let go, do you want to carry on hurting over this?
I really suggest you read and follow the instructions on P552 of the Big Book (actually read the whole story as well) for two weeks as it says. My guess is at the moment you are praying and handing it over but you are praying for yourself - well that never works.
We only pray for ourselves if that is for the benefit of others. Start by praying for your ex for everything you want for yourself. The words may choke in your throat at first but do perservere. Eventually you will learn that you cannot pray for someone and feel resentment towards them.
Also I replied in the other forum that you need to look at Step 1 over issues with food. This is all linked into why you are stuck at Step 8. You have to do all the other steps properly first. It's about being completely honest with yourself.
take care.
All of us have someone in our life who causes us problems in recovery. The steps enable us to live life with them not changing but not having the power to hurt us any more. Surely that is what you want with your ex? Or as you say you don't want to let go, do you want to carry on hurting over this?
I really suggest you read and follow the instructions on P552 of the Big Book (actually read the whole story as well) for two weeks as it says. My guess is at the moment you are praying and handing it over but you are praying for yourself - well that never works.
We only pray for ourselves if that is for the benefit of others. Start by praying for your ex for everything you want for yourself. The words may choke in your throat at first but do perservere. Eventually you will learn that you cannot pray for someone and feel resentment towards them.
Also I replied in the other forum that you need to look at Step 1 over issues with food. This is all linked into why you are stuck at Step 8. You have to do all the other steps properly first. It's about being completely honest with yourself.
take care.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Ontario
Posts: 806
The one thing I've warned people about is be prepared for a negative response,...
sometimes if we don't get the response we hope for we fall back.
Others have the right to their own thoughts and feelings and sometimes people aren't too forgiving,....
which you need to be okay with so you can move forward,.........
and don't forget to include yourself on that list.
sometimes if we don't get the response we hope for we fall back.
Others have the right to their own thoughts and feelings and sometimes people aren't too forgiving,....
which you need to be okay with so you can move forward,.........
and don't forget to include yourself on that list.
Don't resist, allow
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: South East of England
Posts: 1,521
Originally Posted by ananda 
yeah..i'm wondering if I have expectations...maybe I'm not really ready to make that amend....just considering that...
If you are at Step 9, then it is OK to list amends in order of how you want to do them.
Once you have some of the "easier" ones done you are at the stage where the promises are in the BB "we will be amazed before we are half way through". Then you will want to deal with the rest of the amends. You will also have God's will/power flowing through you and this will carry you through it.
~sb
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: MD
Posts: 15,967
Although this post is old, caught- if you have that many emotiins, go back to step 7 or even 3 and begin again. Those emotions can be helped by your willingness to allow your hp in your life. Maybe even a thorough 4 with a sponsor who can help you out differently in seeing your part.
Internetjulliet, you also may wa t to return to steps 1-7. Powerless over people places and things and forgiving others who are also sick...then to 7. On 8, put him on the "later" section. Living happy joyous and free while sober is good enough for now.
There's always a solution when we work for it.
I forgave my ex for trying to kill me. Otherwise I'd be drinking still.
This step was quite emotionally taxing. Time to do my 10th now, nite!
Internetjulliet, you also may wa t to return to steps 1-7. Powerless over people places and things and forgiving others who are also sick...then to 7. On 8, put him on the "later" section. Living happy joyous and free while sober is good enough for now.
There's always a solution when we work for it.
I forgave my ex for trying to kill me. Otherwise I'd be drinking still.
This step was quite emotionally taxing. Time to do my 10th now, nite!
Grateful to be free
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Arizona
Posts: 3,680
I keep finding myself returning to step 3 when I get that stubborn resistant feeling inside.
If I can't deal with something...turn it over to my HP, and trust that what needs to happen will happen. I have a real hard time trusting the process and accepting the pacing. I want to be the best little recovering addict that ever there was!
I want to do these steps like nobody's business! My HP wants me to mind my own business. It's not a race, it's recovery.
If I can't deal with something...turn it over to my HP, and trust that what needs to happen will happen. I have a real hard time trusting the process and accepting the pacing. I want to be the best little recovering addict that ever there was!
I want to do these steps like nobody's business! My HP wants me to mind my own business. It's not a race, it's recovery.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 2,308
I made my first amends by email. The reason was this best friend mine and mentor had come to loggerheads over a situation, she then dragged up an incident that happened over 20 years ago, she had been holding on to this for years and when I pointed out to her that she keeps bringing this up, she would deny it. So I sent her an email apologizing for hurting her but I did add that this was part of my program implying I am doing this for me not you, so I really didn't apologise or make amends. Did I?
Reading how others are coping with this has been so helpful, I thought the 4th step was hard.
CaiHong
Reading how others are coping with this has been so helpful, I thought the 4th step was hard.
CaiHong
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