takincareome

I just joined after browsing this site and liking what I saw. I've just started al-anon, maybe 6 meetings now. I'm also in therapy as a component to it. I've spent most of my life in and out of therapy dealing with my dad (qualifier), but oddly, he isn't my major issue right now. It's only been recently that I've really started to take a close look at my mother and her role in all this. I've always been very close to my mother (enmeshed!) and up until recently she could do NO wrong.

But my mom has been profoundly affected by my dad's disease. I even think it might go back further than that, to HER parents (who were adamantly non-drinkers and likely untreated al-anon). I've been her caretaker for as long as I can remember, while she has been childlike and helpless. When I was a child, she laid a bunch of her problems on me -- her problems, my dad's drinking, the deterioration of their marriage, etc. I learned very early that my job was to take care of her (and align with her against my father).

Anyway. And so on to adulthood. I'm still expected to be ever present and take care of her emotionally, be her cheerleader etc., but now I'm also expected to take care of her financially as well. My mother has never been responsible with money. She has made some really, REALLY bad choices and she continues to do so. Meanwhile, she leans on my brother and I to help her out and go from this crisis to that crisis. We don't even know how bad her credit card debt is. She talks about going to Bermuda, maybe a Caribbean cruise, and then days later wants $370 to pay her health insurance (she got laid off -- has a temp job right now but no benefits).

This is obviously causing a problem, as I've given her lots of money with no idea where it all went and she continues to ask for more while doing nothing to better her own situation. Plus, I married in May, and my husband just will not have this continue, and I refuse to allow it to cause problems in my marriage. So this time, when she asked for the health insurance money (this was maybe two weeks ago), I gathered up all my courage and told her no. She reacted predictably, which is to say badly. Luckily this was all done over e-mail so it made it easier to ignore the resulting guilt-trip flood (after all I've done for you, I did this and that, I guess you just don't think I deserve to have anything, blah blah blah). I didn't respond. A few days later she sent an email saying "I know you think I'm mad at you but I'm not" and saying she loved me. I replied, "Thanks for this. I love you too and I know you'll be able to figure this out."

There was a long pause. And then today she emailed me asking me if I was speaking to her. I told her I was never NOT speaking to her; I actually thought she wasn't speaking to me. So she sent a "catch up" e-mail and just happened to mention that the temp job will be drying up soon.

This fills me with anxiety, as I know the money requests will likely get worse. I know I've got to be strong, but of course I start thinking, OMG, I don't want her to be out on the street (I sure don't want her living with me!), etc. I know I did the right thing, but doing it -- and dealing with the resulting silence, even if it came through a misunderstanding -- was SO HARD. It was a little like stepping off a cliff and learning I could fly, but the constant wing flapping was exhausting!

So I could use a little bit of support as I continue to learn more about loving detachment. Love from a newbie. All new friends welcomed.

GiveLove

takincareome,

One big hug coming from me to you today, new friend

This is a tough situation, and CONGRATULATIONS for taking that first step: saying "no."

The first one really is the hardest. From here on out, it is all "maintenance" - reinforcing that you will not be giving her any money, sending her links to social services organizations (if she's totally inept at that kind of thing, and if it makes you feel better), and not giving in when she gets out the big guilt guns.

I learned with my sisters what I was willing to do, and what I wasn't. For example, when my sister was tossed in jail for a few weeks, I paid for her (small) storage unit while she was in there so she wouldn't lose her clothing, shoes, etc. Mind you, when she came out she went right back to drinking and lost it all anyway, but I considered helping her with that (once) within the realm of what I was willing to help with.

I would never have given her the money in her hand, for the same reason you mention: my sister was terrible with money AND an alcoholic, end of story.

So your task, it seems, will be to find ways to
--make sure she knows you love her,
--protect your marriage and savings from her, and
--learn from your gut feelings what you're willing to do to help, and what the most productive kinds of assistance might be

You can do this.....one day at a time. It can be hard, sure, but it's hardest at the beginning, when you don't yet have a thick enough skin to deal with things being hurled at you, verbally or otherwise. Keep working your Al-Anon toolbox, adding to it. SoberRecovery has been great for me in that way...lots of very wise people milling around here

Glad you're here with us!!!

GL

Iwanttoheal

Hi takeincareome and welcome

I am also very new around here. I have also recently actively said NO for the first time to my codie mother(I'm 44, lol) and I love your analogy of stepping off a cliff, flapping your wings and learning to fly. I've already plummeted down to the bottom of the cliff but guess what, I got up, climbed up to the top of the cliff and stepped off again.

Keep flapping your wings, I'm right beside you furiously flapping my own wings.

I so understand and relate to your anxiety but this is what is currently helping me. In my book, responsibility goes top down, parent to child, no arguments. I am working on putting all the responsibility that was placed on me as a child (and is still wrongly being placed on me) back where it rightfully belongs, on my mothers shoulders.

Keep strong, keep saying no, I'm right by your side.

My own mother is a hard-core codie (I read that on here and fell in love with the phrase. I cannot remember which poster originally wrote that phrase, so I can't credit them but hope they don't mind my adopting that phrase) who is also a passive agressive. I sometimes wish she would ask me for money or something like that so then I would have something concrete to grasp hold off and say no to. I now relate to the term "crazy-making", she makes me crazy.

In the ACOA stickies there is a bill of rights and one right that I see quoted around here a lot and which has also become my mantra is:

6. I have a right to not participate in either the active or passive “crazy-making” behavior of parents, of siblings, and of others.


Good luck to you, IWTH xxx