Hi takeincareome and welcome
I am also very new around here. I have also recently actively said NO for the first time to my codie mother(I'm 44, lol) and I love your analogy of stepping off a cliff, flapping your wings and learning to fly. I've already plummeted down to the bottom of the cliff but guess what, I got up, climbed up to the top of the cliff and stepped off again.
Keep flapping your wings, I'm right beside you furiously flapping my own wings.
I so understand and relate to your anxiety but this is what is currently helping me. In my book, responsibility goes top down, parent to child, no arguments. I am working on putting all the responsibility that was placed on me as a child (and is still wrongly being placed on me) back where it rightfully belongs, on my mothers shoulders.
Keep strong, keep saying no, I'm right by your side.
My own mother is a hard-core codie (I read that on here and fell in love with the phrase. I cannot remember which poster originally wrote that phrase, so I can't credit them but hope they don't mind my adopting that phrase) who is also a passive agressive. I sometimes wish she would ask me for money or something like that so then I would have something concrete to grasp hold off and say no to. I now relate to the term "crazy-making", she makes me crazy.
In the ACOA stickies there is a bill of rights and one right that I see quoted around here a lot and which has also become my mantra is:
6. I have a right to not participate in either the active or passive “crazy-making” behavior of parents, of siblings, and of others.
Good luck to you, IWTH xxx