When the Codependent Mother Drive the Codependent Daughter crazy
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Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Toronto
Posts: 138
When the Codependent Mother Drive the Codependent Daughter crazy
I don't usually post here although lately I have thinking that I should look more closely at this whole ACOA thing. Truthfully speaking i have been avoiding this whole topic because I am working on my Codependency within my marriage and if I even have once piece of literature or book regarding Adult children of Alcoholics my husband will use the "see she was crazy to start with, I'm not the problem, she has unresolved issues from her childhood' routine.
Anyway, so my Adad is 71 and still drinking and my mom has been draining his booze and yelling for 46 years. Needless to say, I was raised by a classic Codie Mom. I have been attending Alanon for almost a full year and feel like I am making progress on my side of recovery but I seem to struggle when it comes to my mother.
Today my mother offered to come over and help me prepare some food for the freezer since I have a big dinner coming up next weekend. Once we were done the prep I went up for a shower and by the time I came back down she had the vacuum cleaner out and was vacuuming out the air vents in the floor. Then it started...'look at these vents they haven't been cleaned out in ages, what does your nanny do all day?" then 'Look at your fridge there are empty conatiners in there", "your sink stopper is disgusting", 'Look at this corner where the mop can't reach, she should get on her hands and knees and wipe that by hand.' It went on for about 15mins.
My reply was that it never occured to me to tell the nanny to vac the ductwork but I would next week. Then she got even angrier because I should have to tell her; she should know. From there it went to she should have to be told to do anything she should know better if she is a nanny then she needs to see what is her responsibility. I told her that she shouldn't get so upset by it and that I would mention it to her. She got even more upset and said it was my money that I was using to pay her and if I was happy with it that's fine and she walked out!
I thought it was best that she left at that point anyway but I must say that I am extremely bothered by the entire event. I keep telling myself that she doesn't have coping tools for her Codie but it doesn't bring a whole lot of relief.
And that's my first post in the SR section that I probably belong to.
Chrysalis
aka CoDeependentMe
Anyway, so my Adad is 71 and still drinking and my mom has been draining his booze and yelling for 46 years. Needless to say, I was raised by a classic Codie Mom. I have been attending Alanon for almost a full year and feel like I am making progress on my side of recovery but I seem to struggle when it comes to my mother.
Today my mother offered to come over and help me prepare some food for the freezer since I have a big dinner coming up next weekend. Once we were done the prep I went up for a shower and by the time I came back down she had the vacuum cleaner out and was vacuuming out the air vents in the floor. Then it started...'look at these vents they haven't been cleaned out in ages, what does your nanny do all day?" then 'Look at your fridge there are empty conatiners in there", "your sink stopper is disgusting", 'Look at this corner where the mop can't reach, she should get on her hands and knees and wipe that by hand.' It went on for about 15mins.
My reply was that it never occured to me to tell the nanny to vac the ductwork but I would next week. Then she got even angrier because I should have to tell her; she should know. From there it went to she should have to be told to do anything she should know better if she is a nanny then she needs to see what is her responsibility. I told her that she shouldn't get so upset by it and that I would mention it to her. She got even more upset and said it was my money that I was using to pay her and if I was happy with it that's fine and she walked out!
I thought it was best that she left at that point anyway but I must say that I am extremely bothered by the entire event. I keep telling myself that she doesn't have coping tools for her Codie but it doesn't bring a whole lot of relief.
And that's my first post in the SR section that I probably belong to.
Chrysalis
aka CoDeependentMe
Member
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 36
Hi Chrysalis
I can totally relate to this. i had a nanny for the first few months when I had a new baby (mainly because I knew I couldn't rely on my AM to reliably help me out).
My AM came to visit and started criticizing the quality of the nanny's cleaning as well! I pointed out that the nanny was actually primarily there to help me with my toddler and she wasn't a cleaner as her main job description, but that got me nowhere. My mom started telling me my nanny was not doing her job properly, abusing my trust, etc etc. (Actually I rated my nanny very highly).
My mom then started pointing out various bits of dirt in my home (e.g. the tops of the doors!) and even criticizing my cleaning materials!!
Even my dad was surprised as he remembers my mom ranting about her own mother had upset her by cleaning her house without asking, years ago.
Anyway all the criticisms made me mad. I confess to doing something a bit childish at this point as i didn't have the skills to express my anger in a calm, assertive, verbal way -- but it is funny looking back.
I know my mom loathes cleaning. So i asked her to clean the bits she felt the nanny had missed. She was, for once, unable to argue with this (as i knew she would be) as I was sitting there with a newborn and she has this big Thing in her head about a Mom being No 1 Helper when a daughter has a baby -- so, she did some cleaning!!! I even specifically told her to clean the bathroom as i know she particularly hates that. Oh dear how petty, anyway it made me feel momentarily a bit better.
At the moment we are estranged, but I think if our relationship ever resumes and she pulls that stunt again I will just tell her straight that I find her comments hurtful and ask her to keep any criticisms of my home to herself.
I can totally relate to this. i had a nanny for the first few months when I had a new baby (mainly because I knew I couldn't rely on my AM to reliably help me out).
My AM came to visit and started criticizing the quality of the nanny's cleaning as well! I pointed out that the nanny was actually primarily there to help me with my toddler and she wasn't a cleaner as her main job description, but that got me nowhere. My mom started telling me my nanny was not doing her job properly, abusing my trust, etc etc. (Actually I rated my nanny very highly).
My mom then started pointing out various bits of dirt in my home (e.g. the tops of the doors!) and even criticizing my cleaning materials!!
Even my dad was surprised as he remembers my mom ranting about her own mother had upset her by cleaning her house without asking, years ago.
Anyway all the criticisms made me mad. I confess to doing something a bit childish at this point as i didn't have the skills to express my anger in a calm, assertive, verbal way -- but it is funny looking back.
I know my mom loathes cleaning. So i asked her to clean the bits she felt the nanny had missed. She was, for once, unable to argue with this (as i knew she would be) as I was sitting there with a newborn and she has this big Thing in her head about a Mom being No 1 Helper when a daughter has a baby -- so, she did some cleaning!!! I even specifically told her to clean the bathroom as i know she particularly hates that. Oh dear how petty, anyway it made me feel momentarily a bit better.
At the moment we are estranged, but I think if our relationship ever resumes and she pulls that stunt again I will just tell her straight that I find her comments hurtful and ask her to keep any criticisms of my home to herself.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Toronto
Posts: 138
My mother doesn't drink, she never has just my dad.
The fact that she unleashed on the nanny was neither here nor there...it could have been about my kids and their bedrooms, or my lack of organizational skills or the garden or the state of the garage. She was clearly having a meltdown as a result of her codependent tendancies. The problem was that it affected me deeply, as usual. Regardless, of whether I understand her stress or issues her voice keeps replaying in my mind over and over again.
She ended up calling me last night to apologize. She explained that she was very upset with my dad the night before. He got drunk while they were out visiting good friends (again) and the fought over the car keys (again). She said she got so worked up about it that she was vomitting overnight and again after she stormed out of my home.
I accepted her apology but I still ended up making a huge list of things that I will review with the nanny one night this week. How's that for codenpendent behaviour?
Chrysalis
The fact that she unleashed on the nanny was neither here nor there...it could have been about my kids and their bedrooms, or my lack of organizational skills or the garden or the state of the garage. She was clearly having a meltdown as a result of her codependent tendancies. The problem was that it affected me deeply, as usual. Regardless, of whether I understand her stress or issues her voice keeps replaying in my mind over and over again.
She ended up calling me last night to apologize. She explained that she was very upset with my dad the night before. He got drunk while they were out visiting good friends (again) and the fought over the car keys (again). She said she got so worked up about it that she was vomitting overnight and again after she stormed out of my home.
I accepted her apology but I still ended up making a huge list of things that I will review with the nanny one night this week. How's that for codenpendent behaviour?
Chrysalis
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