Need to get rid of the picture

Old 04-19-2008, 07:51 PM
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Need to get rid of the picture

I've posted my story before but by way of a recap.....I'm an ACOA but I didn't know it until I was in my late 30's. My Dad is a completely toxic person to me. I've been disinherited more than once and I'm an only child. Our most recent estrangement happened about 18 months ago, when he was screaming at me over the phone and I told him this was it, no more abuse. For over a year I continued to write him letters once a month updating him on my life and that of his only grandchild, who is now 20.

Then in Dec. my son, his only grandchild had a psychotic break. My h called to let my Dad know what was going on. A couple of days later there was an abusive profanity laden message on the voice mail from my Dad. I wrote another letter laying out my boundaries, basically saying that no abusive communications would be acknowledged in any way. Last time I heard my Dad's voice. ::sigh:: Don't get the wrong idea, it's not like he was answering my letters. I did get a Christmas card.

I continued my montly updates until Feb. when we hit a second mental health crisis with my son. I wrote a particularly grim letter to my Dad detailing how things were and the outlook for the future. That was the last time I wrote.

If you made it this far, here's the thing...... My Dad's 81 years old. He's been as strong as an ox his whole life, as far as I know he still is. When he was 75 he was still wroking men in their 30's into the ground. He's mean as hell and did I mention he's really scary?

But I think I'm finally really, really done. What is the point? He's never going to approve of me, never going to love me, never going to acknowledge any thing I've ever accomplished. So...how do I get that image out of my head? The one of the pitiful alone broken old man without anyone? The sad man who wonders every day why his only daughter has foresaken him in his final days? And btw, we've been in the final days or a couple of decades by now.

For what it's worth, I know the image is false. I'm certain this man never gives me or my son a second thought unless it's in a situation where he can garner sympathy or manipulate someone by using us. But still I see the image and hear, "bad daughter, bad daughter, bad daughter."

Please help me make it stop.
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Old 04-19-2008, 08:03 PM
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Are you a bad daughter?
From what you posted, I say no way. You have done more then most would and are showing respect and concern for Dad.

What I had seen in my life...my mom was the toxic one and she never knew how to show her love or speak well of others. It was always a negative from her.
It took death at the door for her to say I Love You. It was the first time I remember hearing such come from her lips towards me. She passed away 2 hours later.(1986)
I know that the negatives hurt. I know that when we hear them enough, we may start to believe them as truth BUT... we are now adults and we need seek and accept the real truth... We are worth it. We are Ok. We are strong (look what we lived through and made it out of).
Dad can't show love (doesn't know how) but I am sure he has his own inner battle with that. Let him deal with his battle and know that you are ok and you are worth so much.
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Old 04-20-2008, 02:30 PM
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Hi Easeful

I know exactly how you are feeling.

My AM (in her 60s) has recently disowned me essentially for confronting her about her alcoholism and introducing some personal boundaries that she didn't much like.

She is due to have a big operation shortly.

I worry about not being a good supportive daughter to her through her surgery. I worry about, what if she dies when we were estranged?

Yet -- she's the one that has disowned me! She has clearly stated our relationship is over, that I'm dead to her, and that I no longer have a mother. It's hard to believe this because it's so painful, which is when I get tempted to contact her and try to re-establish the relationship. I know I mustn't. But it's really hard - the guilt seems hardwired.

I agree with Best - you have been a wonderful daughter, going far beyond what many others would do.

I think the more you work on believing that, and on looking after yourself, the more the guilt-inducing power of the image in your mind will fade.
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Old 04-21-2008, 02:48 PM
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It was a very painful thing to get rid of my picture too......that picture of my dad as a good and supportive dad, the dad I wanted and (thought I) needed. I wanted him to be that so badly that I spent years tearing myself apart trying to get him to change into that person.

It hurt a lot, more than I could express. I feel for you, easeful.

But there is life beyond it. Honest there is. Letting him go to be whatever kind of man he was, whatever man he wanted to be -- even if he didn't want me -- was a powerful thing. Ending my own suffering freed me to become stronger and saner.

You know what? I still sent letters. They held no expectations. I knew he wouldn't write back, and I knew I couldn't possibly know how he felt about any of them. I wrote them for ME, because although he was not the father I wanted, he was the one that I had, and part of my personal support system is to keep the family informed about my life so I'm not alone in this world, I'm part of a tribe of people, some good, some bad, some by birth, some by choice, and it somehow helped me to be in this world. I didn't really care what he did with them, because it wasn't about him....very selfish.

As a postscript, he still had them all when he died. He may not have had a clue how to express himself, and he may not have been a good father at all, but he did care. You may choose to write or to not write, but do whatever it is for YOU, not out of guilt and not because you want him to react in a certain way. He may just not be capable of it. I know my dad wasn't.
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Old 04-21-2008, 10:27 PM
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(((Easeful)))

Maybe my story will help you, I will try to keep it short (lol!)-

I haven't been in touch with my mother since 1985 (easier than counting the years at this point!). I was 18 years old. It's a long story (of course) how I got to my breaking point, but thankfully my Father was a great support and comfort to me and helped me out.

My mother is in her late 70's (born in 1928, again easier than counting). Her oldest sister just died last year, who I remained close with all these years - she never told my mother! That was the closest I have come to "picturing" her old and alone, and you know - I found myself trusting myself. You should know, I am working on some serious codependent issues, but this is one area where I have had No Trouble sticking to my decision! Go figure! Throughout the years I have heard that she has not changed. She does to others what she did to me. Only they get away a lot faster than I did! I do not believe for one moment that she never "saw" her own behavior. It was her choice not to go and get help for herself to be a happier and healthier person, and therefore a better Mother. Her choice to ignore it and take the easy road, to just let it fly. Unacceptable to me.

Your father continues to behave in ways that you have clearly stated are unacceptable. In doing so he has chosen to disrespect you, your feelings and your boundaries. Not only that, but during obviously difficult times with your own child, he has not only not given you support, or even left you alone, he has added to your emotional distress! IMO he has earned your disrespect and distrust. Nor does he have the right to expect any more from you than he has given regardless of his age or health. He's a grown up (and has been for a long time), he knew he was getting older, he knew there was/is a chance his health might fail him and he might need/want the comfort of his family, but by his own choice, he threw that away.

I'm sorry this is long. I tend to be long-winded anyway - but this is a subject that is very close to home obviously. I have strong opinions that not everyone is meant to be parents just because they physically can. There is no magic wand that comes with procreation - as you know, being a parent takes work, consistency and above all, unconditional love.

Continue to be the parent to your child that you are, know that you are the best Mother for him and that you did not continue the cycle. Bless you for that by the way! It does my heart good when I hear parents being parents! Let your Dad live with his choices. They are his. You aren't mean or hateful to not accept behavior like that from him. Would you accept it from anyone else?

All this is just my opinions and my own experiences. Take what you want and leave the rest. I wish you some peace from this pain. I can't imagine having it in your life for so long. You are his perfect daughter and for whatever reason he chooses not to acknowledge this (I'm guessing somewhere inside he knows). It's clearly his loss.

You have the right to your own life. You have the right not to accept people into your life who cause you grief and pain on purpose. You have the right to be healthy.

Bless you!
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