When is it ok..........
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: DooDooville, USA
Posts: 453
When is it ok..........
to reveal your hidden scars? I've been a RA for 13 years and I did alot of the work of peeling off of the layers of hurt that started me on my way to drinking in the first place.
I was married at age 16-24 to a very physically, emotionally abusive man. 24/7/365.
We had two beautiful kids together.
I literally had to escape one day when the kids were 5 and 3 yrs old and took all their clothes, toys, beds and just the clothes on my back. We had no where to go, but we found our way.
Then, is when I started drinking. I was beaten soo low that, in my mind, in order for me to keep going for my children's sake and work and pay rent, I'd have to "numb" out and I did it. I was a functioning A. Never happy, but functioning.
My kids are now 28 and 26 yrs old. They've NEVER wanted to hear anything bad about their dad or their mom and that's so understandable.
But, in this point and time in my life, I have this need to tell my side. To help others that may be going through this and to finally get "the secret" out. My son remembers little of the beatings, he bottles that in. My daughter was too young, thank God, to remember.
My ex has never admitted to it. We lived in a state far away, so that nobody ever really saw me bruised, except for in high school and then I lied to cover that up. But, I had all the signs of a battered wife...I still have the scars. They will always be there.
I honestly have forgiven my ex, though, to the point that I realize that he didn't know any better. He was raised in a home like that where his dad beat his mom.
But,......when is it ok to share my thoughts out loud, without pointing fingers and tell what I went through back then and what it was like?
Do I need to keep that a secret from my kids forever? To spare them from hurt?
Thank you!!
I was married at age 16-24 to a very physically, emotionally abusive man. 24/7/365.
We had two beautiful kids together.
I literally had to escape one day when the kids were 5 and 3 yrs old and took all their clothes, toys, beds and just the clothes on my back. We had no where to go, but we found our way.
Then, is when I started drinking. I was beaten soo low that, in my mind, in order for me to keep going for my children's sake and work and pay rent, I'd have to "numb" out and I did it. I was a functioning A. Never happy, but functioning.
My kids are now 28 and 26 yrs old. They've NEVER wanted to hear anything bad about their dad or their mom and that's so understandable.
But, in this point and time in my life, I have this need to tell my side. To help others that may be going through this and to finally get "the secret" out. My son remembers little of the beatings, he bottles that in. My daughter was too young, thank God, to remember.
My ex has never admitted to it. We lived in a state far away, so that nobody ever really saw me bruised, except for in high school and then I lied to cover that up. But, I had all the signs of a battered wife...I still have the scars. They will always be there.
I honestly have forgiven my ex, though, to the point that I realize that he didn't know any better. He was raised in a home like that where his dad beat his mom.
But,......when is it ok to share my thoughts out loud, without pointing fingers and tell what I went through back then and what it was like?
Do I need to keep that a secret from my kids forever? To spare them from hurt?
Thank you!!
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Southern New Hampshire
Posts: 746
I tried to send this as a private message but your inbox is full, if you want to receive pm's you may want to consider emptying the folder, or clearing up more space,
I am a therapist, I feel my "opinions" have some depth and weight based in clinical training as well as being in recovery. Questions to ponder:
1. Have you talked to your sponsor.
2. Have you worked with a therapist?
3. What is driving the need to let your kids know-what good would it do? What harms could this cause?
Judging from your signature line you have a spiritual life, perhaps sitting in the silence and listening to God will give you the guidance you need. In Kindness, Rob
I am a therapist, I feel my "opinions" have some depth and weight based in clinical training as well as being in recovery. Questions to ponder:
1. Have you talked to your sponsor.
2. Have you worked with a therapist?
3. What is driving the need to let your kids know-what good would it do? What harms could this cause?
Judging from your signature line you have a spiritual life, perhaps sitting in the silence and listening to God will give you the guidance you need. In Kindness, Rob
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: DooDooville, USA
Posts: 453
Yes, I've talked to my sponsor,......yes, I've talked to my therapist for years.
What good would this do? It would bring light to alot of questions of my behavior to my grown kids
What harm would it cause? Bringing up hurtful things, BUT.....how do we address the root of our pain unless we deal with it? Keep it a secret forever?
Being abused for 8 years robbed me of my self-esteem, my childhood and gave me the excuse to drink for 10 years and not be a mom to my kids back then (20 years ago) that I needed to be.
My son is 28 and he now has a drinking problem. He totally supresses his feelings. My ex (man who abused me) drinks with my son. They're both running.
As it stands, my son still blames me for his childhood and my drinking. He won't listen to where I came from and what I endured. He doesn't wanna hear that about his Dad even at age 28.
I want my kids to know that I tried the hardest I could with what I had at the time. I don't want them to hate their Dad.......not at all. I just feel like a big part of our family is in huge denial and doesn't want to look at things....just run from it.
My son takes advantage of me, doesn't respect me. I've had to put my foot down and tell him to stop or there will be consequences on my part.(ie
I will no longer help him financially when he needs it....etc.
The thing is, I'm getting older, close to 50 and I want my kids to know, so they don't hear it from my side of the family after I'm gone. Then, I can't answer their questions. This happened over 25 years ago. I don't want to be mean at all.....I just want the secrecy to be opened up.
When will there ever be a good time for that?
What good would this do? It would bring light to alot of questions of my behavior to my grown kids
What harm would it cause? Bringing up hurtful things, BUT.....how do we address the root of our pain unless we deal with it? Keep it a secret forever?
Being abused for 8 years robbed me of my self-esteem, my childhood and gave me the excuse to drink for 10 years and not be a mom to my kids back then (20 years ago) that I needed to be.
My son is 28 and he now has a drinking problem. He totally supresses his feelings. My ex (man who abused me) drinks with my son. They're both running.
As it stands, my son still blames me for his childhood and my drinking. He won't listen to where I came from and what I endured. He doesn't wanna hear that about his Dad even at age 28.
I want my kids to know that I tried the hardest I could with what I had at the time. I don't want them to hate their Dad.......not at all. I just feel like a big part of our family is in huge denial and doesn't want to look at things....just run from it.
My son takes advantage of me, doesn't respect me. I've had to put my foot down and tell him to stop or there will be consequences on my part.(ie
I will no longer help him financially when he needs it....etc.The thing is, I'm getting older, close to 50 and I want my kids to know, so they don't hear it from my side of the family after I'm gone. Then, I can't answer their questions. This happened over 25 years ago. I don't want to be mean at all.....I just want the secrecy to be opened up.
When will there ever be a good time for that?
Late stage optimist
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Auburn, WA
Posts: 306
I guess I need to first ask you the questions:
What are your reasons for not talking about this with others (besides your kids)?
What do you think will happen when you tell the kids?
What is the best thing you feel can happen if you talk to your kids about this?
What about if you talk about it with others, such as in an Al Anon meeting or other group setting? What is the best thing that can happen? Worst thing?
What are your reasons for not talking about this with others (besides your kids)?
What do you think will happen when you tell the kids?
What is the best thing you feel can happen if you talk to your kids about this?
What about if you talk about it with others, such as in an Al Anon meeting or other group setting? What is the best thing that can happen? Worst thing?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Green,green grass of home
Posts: 600
What comes to my own mind,is what it tells me in the BB.Which is--we cannot have peace of mind at the ---expense----of others.I understand where you are coming from.I too wanted to tell my kids alot of things,that would explain my behaviour.BUT,i felt that they would only see this as my blaming another,for my behaviour.What they do know,is that i did my best with what i knew,and as progressing along in recovery,i changed...
Your son has said,he doesnt want to hear it.You say he wont listen to where you came from,and what you endured.Even if you tie him to a chair,to make him listen,the truth is that he will hear when he wants to,or if he wants to.When he wants to,when he is open.,and willing to hear.
The truth comes out,even if i dont say a word,and leave it all in Gods hands.I know you would like to explain yourself.However your actions speak louder than words do.You are no longer the person,of your past.
let go,let God.There are a host of recovery folks,who have been where you have been,Share,your e-s-and h,with them.
My prayers are with you,and your family.
Keep on keeping on,with your recovery,
Your son has said,he doesnt want to hear it.You say he wont listen to where you came from,and what you endured.Even if you tie him to a chair,to make him listen,the truth is that he will hear when he wants to,or if he wants to.When he wants to,when he is open.,and willing to hear.
The truth comes out,even if i dont say a word,and leave it all in Gods hands.I know you would like to explain yourself.However your actions speak louder than words do.You are no longer the person,of your past.
let go,let God.There are a host of recovery folks,who have been where you have been,Share,your e-s-and h,with them.
My prayers are with you,and your family.
Keep on keeping on,with your recovery,
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
