Tooshabby

The more I trust someone the more honest I can be with them, and more loving and giving. When I don't trust, I put on some kind of front to protect myself. I trust people who I sense are kind. I also tend to trust people who have been through a lot (the two often seem to go together). I guess I think they will understand and be compassionate about my weaknesses.

fantail

Hi Cow, friends of Cow; I realize that I've been reading this thread off and on for a few years now! What a creeper! So hi, happy birthday. And thanks to all contributors for your various perspectives on various things.

I'm curious to hear that trust issues are a common thread because I have those too. Is that a thing for alcoholics?

Tooshabby

Fantail!! We love creepers on this thread!!!

I'm racing off to work, but so glad to see you posting here. Hope you stick around :-)

Ajax

To be fair, I totally trusted myself, probably for the first time in my life, when I decided to proceed with our relationship. I just kept a "get away" plan in my back pocket for at least 5 of the 7 years we were together.

His distrust was brought on mostly by his parents agreeing to allow him to have an experimental operation at the age of 11 to give him more mobility due to his early bout with polio and the damage it did ,especially to one of his legs. The doctor told him would be able to run further and easier than he had taught himself. After a very painful operation and 9 months in a full body cast in a hospital bed in his living room, he couldn't walk 3 feet. Before the operation, he was such a good athlete, he was being groomed for the ParaOlympics in Toronto. He never forgave himself for blindly trusting someone else to decide his fate.
Even as a kid he knew he was the only one with any ambition and smarts in his
family. It was always really hard to hear him tell that story.

I still trust in myself that I will find my way.

❤️

fini

Ajax, yes, i trust you'll find your way. you're on that way now, of course.

Fantail,
here's a little "story".
when i started contemplating doing step-stuff, i kept feeling that something in me needed to break. break open break up so that...so that what, exactly, i didn't know. i asked a long-term sober person in AA if the steps might be a good way for me to proceed with that need-to-break, and how that might help.
he thought about it and wrote a little commentary on what the steps break. step five: breaks our inability to trust.

i read that on my email screen and protested loudly. very loudly. "i do not have an inability to trust!! i trust people all the time!! let me list for you all the..."
then i burst into tears. because i saw that deep down, nah, i trusted no-one!

more was revealed. grimace!

alphaomega

Melissa, this song reminds me of your guy.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=3k009TIxQc8

walkbeformakrun

I think trust is over rated. Can be over done. I've struggled all my life being WAY to trusting. I used to trust everyone, complete strangers. Take them at their word. It took me a long time and a lot of damage to learn that people can't be trusted. Even when it seems that they have no reason to lie to you or hurt you, sometimes they do it anyway, just to do it. No good reason.

Tooshabby

It's a really interesting and nuanced topic. For me trust is related to need or desire, and what I want/need from someone can vary a little depending upon the relationship. With my partner, I want him to be honest. I have a fear of dishonesty in intimate relationships. With my friends, if I'm honest, I really don't mind them blowing a little smoke up my ass occasionally. I can handle them being honest (of the critical kind), but it needs to be sparing and delivered with kindness. I'm pretty sensitive to criticism. My mother was about as critical as they come, in a really nasty and vicious way, so I've been over-sensitised to it. Maybe where I get all screwed up is I also have that puppy dog trusting nature - innately, I mean - so needless to say I've come a cropper a few times in my life.

It's a difficult topic to discuss and try and be honest about without contradicting yourself. Really interesting.

What a life Robbie had. He must have been such a strong person. I wish I had known him. The love people have for him on this site speaks volumes.

Yellow1111

Shabs, he really WAS outstanding. His brain was fierce and his compassion nearly unbelievable. He was always kind and uplifting, even in his very strong opinions. You could spend weeks reading all of his thoughts on here...I think his spirit is greatly felt in his words, he wrote passionately and straight from his huge heart.
XO
Yellow

kittycat3

Happy birthday cow!!!

(You realize we can keep playing this game, right?!)

trachemys

Shall we take turns or just all say it everyday?

Cow

We all can move on from birthday now. It over. I let you know when I turns 60. (and no, I not lie about it, it was day slip by when nobody specific ask that day ...HA!)

As for trust. For me, is not big issue. I already know I has to look out for self. And because of past, I have develop heighten vigilence and acuity and that just part of my being now. Can read people very well most of time. Total can tell if people lying, or con artist, or if is some dangerous hidden crazy. Has been a few exceptions, but once I get the clue, I engage in counter-measures and usual come out okay or even on top. I guess that kind of military-sounding way of saying, I feel I can handles the people, I not afraid of them. So, is not so much I trusting and is I willing to engage with other without fear. Trust is reserve for small handful of friend who demonstrate they character over time. As for friend/relative/lovah letting me down. ALL people eventual gonna let you down. Is nature of people, so it sting, but such is life.

Well I leave for cabin tomorrow. I gonna try to spend lot of time outside so maybe not be checking in so much. But I be around, my sweet chatterbugs.

Tooshabby

Have a great time! I hope you do keep checking in. I need my Cow fix. I'm not getting much by the way of fixes these days (manipulative emotional blackmail alert).

Della1968

I hope you have a nice time Cow. You sound good. That makes me happy.

Ajax

Thank you AO for that wonderful song. Yes, he did indeed do a lot of living in his 58 years. We lived a whole lifetime of experiences in our 7.
❤️

Ajax

Yellow,
What kind words that,if I may be a bit biased to say, describe him beautifully.
Many thanks.❤️

Ajax

Cow,
Have a wonderful get away!
When you come back, we'll count down to your birthday again.
❤️

courage2

Trust isn't a word in my personal vocabulary. It represents a hypothetical construct with which I've had so little experience, I have no feel for what people mean by it. I'm trying to practice using words like 'trust' because other people seem to respond to them. Also, along the lines of 'fake it till you make it,' maybe if I talk about trust, I'll gain some! But I don't really know what I mean when I say trust -- I don't know the concept's boundaries. I'm just parroting the way I hear other people use the word.

Am I wrong, or have most of those on this thread who've written about trust, written about trusting others? How about being trustworthy? Are they related?

Tooshabby

Yes, it's a construct that will mean different things to different people. It's not a word I use with people. Like I wouldn't say "I trust you" or "Do you trust me?" But I can reflect on it as a concept. The best way I can describe it is distrust and fear are synonymous. If I trust someone I'm not fearful around them and can be 'myself' (another construct).

I do think 'trust' and 'trustworthiness' are related, in the sense that a person typically projects their own stuff onto others. E.g. a 'criminal' might be less trusting of others because he/she is (subconsciously) aware of their own lack of integrity.

courage2

^^^
Do we have an agreed-upon celebratory food on this thread? Beef jerky?