Wholesome

Seems like every time I get invited out it's to go drinking somewhere with someone. Just got off the phone with my friend who wanted me to come over and drink beers with her.... our conversation ended with, "Damnit zen why won't you fold to peer pressure like everyone else!"

I know she's only joking but seriously no wonder why so many of us, myself especially ended up losing control and getting addicted when there is all this pressure to drink!

It sucks because she is my best friend and I feel like with my commitment to abstinence we are going to end up drifting apart. I already know that the plans we have this summer to go away to her cottage aren't going to happen because I don't want to go away for a party weekend where I will be the only one not drinking. I just haven't worked up the courage to tell her yet.

How did you guys with long term sobriety build a new social life?

ScottFromWI

It started for me by associating with different people. Now granted, I have kids so a lot of the things I do with them are automatically alcohol free ( school and church related ) but I also find that there are a whole lot of people who really don't drink, or drink sparingly.

Wholesome

Yeah I have kids too but they don't want to hang out with me all the time... they have their own friends.

Where did you guys/gals meet new people? How did you go about it?

I have no problem with my own company but I do like being social and I've built my social life around enabling my addiction.

Wholesome

Maybe I'm overthinking things and being impatient. I probably am. I'm sure that over time things will work themselves out.

ScottFromWI

Lots of ways - church social groups, school activities and events, friends of friends, etc. There's really so many people that don't drink it's pretty amazing. It does take time though as you mention.

Gottalife

The friends I chose back then were chosen because they drank like I did. That was part of the obsession. Now that the obsession has been lifted I can see in reality very few people drink like I did, many more hardly drink at all. They have better things to do and so do I.

Wholesome

Yeah I guess part of the problem with being an addict is this need for immediate gratification haha! You're right the only way to make it happen is to get out there and start seeking new people out.

dwtbd

I've never really had a big social circle, and when we were more active most social events were pretty heavily focused on drinking bbqs and poker nights. Nor do I suppose would I be considered a long time sober person, coming up on two years. But I have committed to abstinence ,so I feel like a long timer, just without experience yet , make sense?
I'm not quite a shut in, lol, we go out to dinner and other venues where drinking is the norm. What I have noticed , and truthfully somewhat surprising for me, is that at some point I stopped being constantly cognizant of the fact that I was not drinking. It just kind of happened. Don't get me wrong , in the beginning I'd be going out and be thinking of not drinking, sometimes tinged with the pesky AV's little pity party of my forced "deprivation" and the unfairness of it all. But with the BP is place , wassgonnado? I am not going to be (a) drunk anymore, ever..so if I really mean it and I do it means I won't drink. Intellectually I get and got that, but emotionally not so much, in the beginning. I figured time would make it more palatable, but at the same time thinking "yeah well , what if it don't " and just waiting for it to happen, weird thing is that it did happen, not all at once , but when I think about it now , being "comfortable in my own skin" with being a committed nondrinker is the default setting.
My wife isn't abstinent and I don't actively avoid being around drinking, I really think making my BP and sticking to it coupled with the passage of time , just somehow got me to this point, intellectually I knew it could, but it didn't "feel" like I could have bet on it. Maybe that is the leap,of faith, if so take it , it may not feel like it but hat is how you get there , I guess, right? Consider the alternative , yeah?
I swear I don't remember the last time I sat at a bar and looked up to see where the Maker's was, and the weirdest part is I didn't realize I stopped doing that.
Long and ramble sorry , just started typing and look what spilled out, just keep trucking , you got this

Wholesome

dwtbd yeah I'm totally committed to never drinking again. My boyfriend drinks too and I've been to restaurants that serve drinks. I'm ok with being sober in world where I will be exposed to others drinking. It's like quitting smoking, you can't live in a bubble over it. It's my personal choice and it has nothing to do with anyone else.

However I don't plan on going into situations where the primary activity will be drinking and that is pretty much what I've left myself with as far as a social life lol. I have surrounded myself with a bunch of other drunks for friends! They are all very nice people and I love them but they all like to drink like I used to..... until it's all gone!

So I've got some work to do with making a new social life for myself and I'm looking to see how other people went about it?

But what you say about being comfortable in your own skin and being a committed nondrinker is end goal isn't it? I've got my eye on that prize

Calitano

I'm struggling with this too zenchaser...
I don't think there's a quick answer - I'm hoping it'll kind of resolve itself organically over time. I've ditched the drinking buddies completely, and with the drinking friends who really are friends started swapping dinner for lunches (less boozy by nature), coffee meet ups or arranging to meet in parks, art galleries etc.

Apart from watching more movies and reading more, I've tried the theatre (always interesting), and some classical concerts (not for me, zzzzzz)! Tried a few public arts and science lectures (great), bookstore readings (mixed) and a few gallery openings (too boozy and boring with all that cheap free wine and a kind of vapid set of socialites). Oh and I tried a cooking class with some friends at a Sur La Table which was a fun change from dinner and drinks. More of a once a year thing though.

The best surprise was that lots of friends have commented how much they've enjoyed doing new and different things too. It's been a bit of an effort to organize and do all of this (as opposed to my former habit of sofa+wine+TV) but sometimes people just need a gentle shove

Wholesome

Thanks Calitano for your response. Yeah there is no quick fix on this one. But the more I think about it, and what you wrote, the more I think that it is actually pretty exciting! There are tons of things that I can do now that drinking was holding me back from. It's like sometimes it's my own mind is my own worst enemy. I can be quick to get discouraged or overwhelmed or afraid. I don't know why? It's all about perception though.

zjw

i got the same issue but i'm an introvert and not real social so its like extra hard for me. I try and make convesation with folks at AA a couple times and you'd think i had the plague. I just chalked it up to other folks there probably also have there own socialization issues too. Of course if i went more often that might help.

SnoozyQ

I hear Ya Zen xxxx

freshstart57

Yes, Zen, it is a matter of grave concern - how to reconcile our new lifestyle choices with our previous pastimes and social circle.

I have kept up with my fishing and camping trips, events that used to be almost as much about alcohol as the other activities. But over the last several years, I have seen the alcohol consumption go wayyyy down among the regulars. The last two trips have been dry - zero alcohol.

I think we are kind of happy for the change. Maybe you will see a similar thing too.

Latte

I changed my playground. I used to think I would be ok with having a partner who drank, but I'm so grateful I found someone who was willing to quit when we met.

Wholesome

Well you sure aren't introverted online buddy! You are insightful and outgoing and just plain awesome on here I would find it hard to believe that you don't have some people who hold you near and dear.

I can be the same way.... I'm quiet at first until I get a sense of a person but once I decide I like them and I feel comfortable, then oh man they better watch out!

Wholesome

Yeah I'm on the fence about going away with her and the group. My boyfriend wants to go and I'm the one with the wheels. We have discussed it. IF I go then it may just be only for a night and two days. I think I can handle that. I just don't want to end torturing myself ya know? I know that I am not the only one in my circle who questions their drinking habits..... so yes in a perfect world I can perhaps be a leader by example towards a healthier lifestyle. But I've never been one to impose my beliefs on other people.

Wholesome

Then the burning question, what's zen gonna do now that she don't drink?

MesaMan

I upended the proverbial Equation being contemplated here. Understandably, this Topic arises often.

I simply go and do 'things'. My nature. I don't sweat doing them with like-minded Folks. That would freeze me into inaction.

I go daily to our local Dog Park. I meet Sober and interesting and Recovered Folks there; all without intending to go out and meet Sober Folks.

Sober Folks are a very pleasant sidebar to undertaking Sober Activities. New Friendships have taken off 'naturally'.

To me, a really important aspect of 'Balance' stems from all this. New, Sober Pals reduce in significance the Drinking orientation of old Friendships. I still hang with some Drinking Friends, but they're now balanced out, and not so all-important. This lightens the load in my Brain of having nothing but Drinking Pals. Like a See-Saw... Drinking Pals on one side. Sober Pals on the other.
.

Wholesome

Yeah MesaMan friendships have to happen naturally.... it's not the kind of thing that can be forced I have to just be patient and be brave and bold and get out there and start some sober living!