Justincredible

A 12 step room is like a prepackaged set of sober friends to get involved with. I had to get over my ego and accept that I was that hard up for friends in real life! It was easy because the awkwardness of functions where alcohol was served never occurred. Then after practicing my interactions as a sober person with them I am noticing real world, non AA friendships blossoming just through leaving a drinking and using life behind and having to build one where I operate sober. It's a work in progress but I am not sweating it as much as I was.

I'm just letting things happen naturally as long as I am doing what I need to do to find happiness in sobriety. Being apart from my ex wife an her family I am realizing that there are so many people out there who do not HAVE to drink at every social gathering. My world had gotten so small and toxic that I believed EVERYBODY drank and I couldn't do it normally and function so I was an outcast, doomed to be unhappy, so I always ended up "trying to fit in"... Never worked.

Glad I am not there anymore. Every day I am realizing that I "fit" just fine, and everything will be ok.

FLCamper

I've noticed that no one really cares that much.
Most of my friends will drink a half a glass of wine and leave it at that (how do they do that?!) so my non-drinking is never questioned.
If they only knew that I used to drink a beer with them-- about 15 minutes before my departure. Then I'd hit the nearest 7-11 and drink an entire bottle of wine within 10 minutes of getting home!
I have two cookouts this weekend and I'll arrive with a coke in hand.

MelindaFlowers

It's true that most social occasions do include alcohol but I have been astonished at how little most people drink at these things when you really watch. I've had a year of observations of "normies" drinking and the vast majority of people leave it at one or two. Perhaps the most surprising part to me was that they don't even consciously stop at one or two. They just stop after one or two just like I stop after eating two pieces of cake. The first one is great, the second is okay but getting a little blah, the third wouldn't even taste good at all. That's how most people drink.

Wholesome

Yeah that's true but with most people, but over the years I've slowly seen my normal drinker friends slip away and started surrounding myself others who drink the way that I used to.

Like I went out for the Canada Day fireworks with my primary group of friends two days ago. We were all supposed to walk 5 min from their backyard down to the beach to see the show for 15 mins. At the last minute they all lamed out and decided that they didn't want to leave their beers and backyard so I had to take my kids and go without them. I was disappointed with them. But it really brought home the kind of hold that alcohol has on some people.

I'm wanting to find a way to make new friends and it's different as a non drinker and adult. It's easy to meet people in the bar and at parties. Not the same sober in a park or where ever people go to meet new people? Know what I mean?

ScottFromWI

I would argue that it's just as easy to meet people sober, it's just less "comfortable" as your inhibitions and senses are less keen when you are drunk. That's all part of getting sober though...it's not always easy.

Try volunteering sometime...at a food pantry, a humane society, at a soup kitchen, a library, a school, a church, there are literally hundreds of organizations out there that would be more than happy to utilize an hour of your time. While you are there, you'll be surprised at the people you will meet or the things that they do that don't involve drinking.

Or how about joining an excercise group or a book discussion group? Again, a common interest initially but you will be surprised at the people you meet and the things that they do.

What it really boils down to is that our addiction wants us to THINK that the only way we can meet people is if we drink. But in reality it's total bunk....alcohol only helps us meet other drinkers.

Wholesome

You know what Scott you are absolutely right! It's just my own muddled thoughts and past behavior that's getting in the way. Plus an irrational belief that I'm not good enough or something? More old irrational fears...... Got to find a way to get over them. There is all these old feelings of shame from all my years of self abuse I guess.

Justincredible

Great stuff Scott!!! It's amazing just how interesting people can be in these different group settings. I used to think anything that did not involve drinking was in the lame side, my AV was clearly calling the shots.

ScottFromWI

Also don't forget that we all have underlying "issues", both physical and mental, to deal with once we quit drinking. You are most likely seeing many of those surface now, and unfortunately just "not drinking" is not a solution to many of them. I personally found that I have anxiety issues as well as OCD that needed professional treatment/help. We are all different and we all have different pasts, but for most of us our drinking was an attempt to escape these issues. But of course drinking only postpones them, many times making them worse. Then all of a sudden - BAM there they are in your face and you have to deal with them head on. That to me is the essence of sobriety - finding healthy ways to be honest and recognize these issues and then find healthy ways to deal with them.

Wholesome

The AV is a sneaky little ba$tard eh? It's crazy how it can warp ones thinking. Thanks for the insight.

Wholesome

It's the real work part of getting sober eh? Learning to really like myself again and letting go of beliefs that no longer serve me. Finding ways to fill the void that alcohol was filling. Pushing though the uncomfortable feelings. Forgiving myself.

neferkamichael

Zenchaser, you so right. All I gotta do is make it 7 days and 5 years sober. One of our own here was about to have or just had 5 years and upps. Rootin for everyone.

Wholesome

5 years next week for you? That's amazing! It's GOING to be me one day!

I just came from the dog park at the beach and I forced myself to talk to strangers haha! I never used to be such a ninny.... all full of self doubts and such. But I think that just recognizing the fear and shining a light on it dis-spells it. Change is a good thing! Yesterday I went into the new vape shop and hung around for longer than I needed to talking to the guy who runs it. I can totally make new friends!

Venecia

Nefer, you are a loyal friend to this community.

Five years is an amazing accomplishment. Thank you for showing by example that sobriety is within everyone's reach!

Berrybean

I'd say, if you're not going to comfortable stuck in the place surrounded by people drinking or drunk then don't go. Just going along for a couple of days sounds like a good compromise - maybe go for one night at the start of the holiday, drop off OH and then again at the end of the holiday for another night - to get all the gossip and laugh at their hangovers, and pick up your other half.

Seriously though - I went on a hen weekend for one of my best friends as there didn't seem to be much choice. I got through it by using the Sober Recovery site and making sure I grabbed lots of alone time. Lots of bits of it were fun, but a lot of it was just hard work. Thankfully a few of the girls got so drunk & ill a few times that they had to stay off alcohol the next day, but self-pitying hung-over company isn't much better than slurring drunk company. Will you be the ONLY sober person there??

Wholesome

Thanks that's good advice but it's a long drive so I'll only be making it one way each time I will be ok going for the one night and two days. Everyone else will be there for 3 nights and 4 days.... that would be too much! I know it. I'll go to bed early, bring my book, do some swimming, take the dogs for walks, be the cook. My bf doesn't drink alcoholically, I've rarely seen him drunk and another guy going doesn't like to get drunk either. The woman who owns the cottage, my friends grandmother, is an recovered alcohol so I'm actually kinda looking forward to perhaps talking to her about her experiences if she is willing to.

And if when the actual time to go comes around if I feel like I can't handle a situation like this then I will politely beg out of going....

Wholesome

I don't know where to post this and I don't want to start a new thread just about this.

I went and saw my dad today to drive him around because he lost his licence awhile back due to his health issues. He has ankylosing spondylitis so he can't move his neck at all any more.... hasn't for many years in fact. His body is all bent and twisted.... must be absolute hell for him. He had had a bad accident where he jack knifed his tracker trailer on black ice and was taken to the hospital via ambulance. Well this resulted his licence getting pulled. He lives quite a ways from me up in the country, very isolated. I've offered lots of times to come up and drive him around but he always declines.... gets help from the neighbor. Today he needed me to take him to his treatment for his illness and to run some errands. Oh boy did he look older than last time I saw him a few months ago..... he's so thin. And he was telling me about how lonely it is for him now that he is basically house bound. It broke my heart. I don't know what there is to do? I don't know how I can solve this problem for him..... I don't think he's going to get his licence back and honestly I think it's dangerous for him to be driving when he can't turn his head, but I can't say that to him. He so stoic and stubborn. It would just pi** him off. I'm not in a financial position to get a bigger house so he can come live with me and my house now is barely holding my own family. I took the basement last summer so my kids could finally have their own rooms.... I can't fit another person in here. He is living off his meager savings since he was a truck driver and so now is unemployed. It's just a crappy situation and I feel helpless and sad about it. Lame.

Dee74

I'm sorry Zen. It's a tough spot to be in when you want to help but can't, or when your offers to help are declined.

Just wanted you to know I have some empathy - from both sides of the fence.

D