Boleo

My sister is a retired school principle. She said she spent 99% of her time fending off law suites.

If you expect the school to actually "do something"? File a law suite.

FeenixxRising

I really do hate violence; although, my original post may not convey that I do. I've only been in a handful of fights in my entire life, and all of them with the exception of one was in adolescence. But I hate bullying even more. I wish I knew of a better way to stop bullying but in my experience, standing up to the bully is the only effective measure I know of (standing up does not always have to be physical, but probably involves the implied threat of getting physical).

But, it's all moot anyway because the victims of bullying can't really stand up for themselves in today's culture, or at least they can't do so in a physical manner. And it's not only politically incorrect to physically confront a bully, today's bullies may well respond back with a gun or a knife (at least in the US).

I'm sure people more clever and smarter than I am know of non-violent ways to deal with bullying, and I hope those methods work because unfortunately, bullies will always exist.

aasharon90

I found that as long as my kids were
involved in school activities, programs,
like drama clubs, band, or scouts, they
learn how to grow and mature with confidence
and a whole bunch of friends that they can
relate to.

As long as they stayed busy, little idle
time to get into trouble then they were
in a good safe place all of the time.

However, in my time back in the day,
and because I was verbally, physically,
emotionally abused by a sick mom, I
grew up with fear which paralyzed me
all thru out shool days till I graduated.

I put up with bullies, harassment, cruelty,
emotional abuse and tried to stand tall
to them and did confront one on a parking
lot . Sure all the kids clapped for me on
the school bus when they witnessed me
slapping her and standing up to her, BUT....
her bullying never stopped.

I loath bullies and all I can say is I pray
that your son will find the strength within
to stay strong thru these childhood challenges.

Be supportive of him and help him
find ways to grow strong in Faith
and find confidence within himself
to ward off those bully demons.

Forgive them, many kids as well
as adults, because they know not
what they do.

Sasha4

Take him out of school.
Inform the school he will not be returning until the bully is dealt with or removed instead.
Inform the agencies as to why he is not at school.
Go speak to the child's parents and threaten to go to the press if no action is taken.

Don't use violence.
In my eyes that makes you no better than the bully.

If you drink over it and your child realises that you drank because of what he told you, then he will be really reluctant to tell you his troubles and worries again.

Bullying is often about humiliation.
Bullies are often not very clever.
People in general despise bullies and will not tolerate their behaviour.

I'm sure that with all the modern technology (school websites, Facebook, parents email, the child's email, newspapers on line, leaving a review about a school etc) we have today and by being sensible, there is a way to ensure he never does it again.

Be clever about it.

I wish you the best xx

EndGameNYC

My childhood took place before The Enlightenment. and in an overwhelmingly working/middle class neighborhood. I was a small child, and though I was quite shy, I didn't want for friends or attention from girls. I just didn't know what to do with it. In retrospect, I also suffered from anxiety and low-grade but near-constant depression. Sports was my outlet. And then alcohol.

I was bullied twice at around the same time, maybe twelve or thirteen years old. One was at school from a noted bully. He was "different" from most other kids in the Catholic school I attended. He smoked and had older friends, and dressed like what we then referred to as a "greaser." He started taunting me when I refused to do the stupid things he would have me do. He'd make fun of my name, adding the word "pisss" to it. The bullying only escalated over time, and my attempts to avoid him only seemed to make things worse.

He cornered me one day in the playground, after lunch. A couple of his henchmen also surrounded me, just like in the movies. As he got closer to me, he raised his fists, and I punched him in the mouth. He went reeling backwards as blood streamed from his face. I, of course, got in trouble, but a couple of the nuns confided in me that they were glad I did what I did. There was little pressure to work such things out in a nonviolent way back then.

Another guy, also a smoker and drinker in Eight Grade, and in public school, was pissed that I had a girlfriend in his school. (It's always about a girl, isn't it?) He lived a block from my paper route, and would tip over my bike every day, papers flying everywhere, when I was delivering my papers. I'd just avoid him, pick up my papers, and go about my business. But then the bullying escalated, he became more threatening, and also enlisted his henchmen to taunt me. The older boys in the neighborhood were pushing me to take him up and fight him but, even with my prior knockout, it's not at all what I wanted to do. They even gave me boxing lessons. Anyway, he came after me hard one time. I needed more than one punch to put him away but, again, he never bothered me after that. I was not at all physically imposing as a child, and I wasn't schooled in the pugilistic arts. Both of them were bigger than I, and I'd seen them fight other boys before, so I was more than a little scared. And fighting was not what I wanted to do.

In both cases, I felt great at the moment of "victory," and then later relieved that they stopped screwing with me. But in the long-run, it bothered me that I needed to defend myself in that way. It made me feel crazy.

I grew up learning how to settle or avoid such conflicts in ways that were more in line with my temperament. I later went on to train in martial arts for over twenty years, and currently do so, in which, when things go well, you learn that if you're not fighting for your life -- or someone else's life, when necessary -- then you shouldn't be fighting.

Serenidad

BULLY UPDATE:

I really appreciate everyone taking the time to give me advice to help my almost 12 year old son who is being bullied.

-The first thing I agree with is me drinking over this will never make it better...only worse. It's like me drinking POISON and waiting for the bully to die.

-As much as I am old school and would like to tell my son to punch his bully in the face he won't do it. He's too scared. This kid is twice his size and is scary! My son is not a fighter. I think the bully can see that.

-I could go to the school again about this but it made things worse for my son when I did that a few months ago. The school he goes to has a female Principal and a female vice-principal and I honestly think they are CLUELESS!

-I could confront his parents but again, that would only make things worse for my son.

-I could write an anonymous letter to the school board but I feel like the bully would know it was my me/son.

-I could send my sons older brothers and their friends over to kick his ass but in today's age...they could get assault charges and they are all athletes and I wouldn't want them to get a criminal record or kicked off their teams.

-I could call an attorney but I can't afford it. They are expensive up here because many of the good ones come out of New York City.

-I could call the media but again...he and his parents are ALL crazy and god only knows what they would do!!!

-I could call the police but again...that would just make things worse for my son and he hasn't been physically assaulted YET. Just tormented!

-The bully is just an evil kid! Here is an example of something he did in my son's gym class a few weeks ago: There is an overweight girl in their class. She suffers from an illness that causes her to gain weight. The bully ran behind her and said "run faster fat ass! Fat f-ck! Go kill yourself you waste of flesh!" He also calls her Miss Piggy. He's evil! He says that to her all the time!!!

-I literally lay in bed at night and think of revenge. My blood pressure rises and I just get so angry that I have to meditate and pray! I would never do anything to hurt this kid but I would love to scare or embarrass him like sneak over to his house in the middle of the night and put giant signs in his yard that say "A BULLY LIVES HERE!" Or egg his house or anything! Ugh!!! I'm so angry at this boy!

-I have tried praying for him but I am too angry!

-I have tried to teach my son how to handle this kid and to not give him any power but it's easier said than done! He walks up to my son and screams "you smell like **** loser!" and everyone laughs! :-( My son does NOT smell like ****! He showers daily. The bully swings his fists at his face! This crap happens up here in the New England area and they don't do anything about it. That's probably why that kid shot up that Sandy Hook Elementary school and all those poor children 2 years ago! He was being bullied and couldn't handle it anymore! Or Columbine!

-Let me be clear...my son is a very sweet kid who would never hurt a flea. He just wants to be left alone!

-I've tried to explain to him that the bully is probably extremely insecure and that's why he does it but honestly it doesn't really help my son. He still has to deal with him when he goes to school.

-I think my RAGE at this bully is magnified by the fact that "I" was bullied in school and never felt like I fit in. NO ONE HELPED ME! I had to deal with it all alone. Once I started drinking alcohol in high school suddenly I fit in! It was alcohol or suicide so in a sense, alcohol saved my life! At least when I was a teen...

-I worry things will get so bad that my son will hurt himself. I pray not! He has a loving supportive brothers and sisters. We all love him so much.

-With all this being said...what do we do to help our son?

-HOW DO WE STOP THIS BULLY? Honestly....if I could get away with it, I would go to the bully's house and put the fear of God in him! I'm not sure if this is good or bad but I am scary when I am angry! Especially when people screw with my kids!!! I know I could scare the crap out of him but then I would face consequences. People sue people for everything these days!

-Here's another idea that popped in my head last night...I'm pretty creative...I could start "haunting him". Haha. I could put a sheet over my head and start roaming around his yard at night or write his name in fake blood on his window. Just kidding.

-See what I mean?!? My mama bear claws are out and very sharp! It feels good to vent anonymously on here. Any other ideas!?! :-(

-I just don't want to ever drink over this again!

Thx guys.

sugarbear1

| NAESP

Maybe do a search for an organization near you that can help you. This must end now!!

Della1968

Try legal aid in your area. Or make friends with a bigger bully who could bully him without any physical contact. I know people Definitely not worth drinking and you risk making a bad decision with alcohol making things blurred.

Sasha4

What are the boys parents like?

LexieCat

Have you contacted the Superintendent? I'd suggest writing a very detailed letter and indicate that the last thing you want to do is to bring legal action, but at this point, with the matter going unaddressed, there may be no other option.

The Superintendent won't know you can't afford a lawyer. For all s/he knows, you have a famous lawyer in the family who will do it for free. And do check with your local bar association. I would be stunned if the only lawyers that practice in your state are from Manhattan. There are pro-bono organizations, as well.

But you've tried with the school. Above the principal is the Superintendent, and above him/her is the School Board. And above the Board is your State Department of Education.

All the "scare" stuff you are fantasizing about would more than likely backfire and cause more pain to everyone involved. Bullies are often the way they are because of something painful going on with them. I'm not excusing it--the same is true of many criminals. But this is a child who is not fully responsible in the same way that an adult would be.

You also might want to call the police and find out whether a complaint for harassment could be filed. Many states have special courts/services for very young defendants to divert them out of worse trouble down the road. It's worth asking about.

Stressing and playing with revenge fantasies aren't doing your son any good.

fini

Serenidad,
there are so many "i could....but..." in your post.
in fact, there is a "but" to everything anyone has suggested.
if you cannot do any of the things suggested because of fear of consequences, i'd like to just say that your son is suffering the consequences of the inaction right now.
as you know.

if you cannot take any steps other than entertain revenge fantasies, there's the big bullet to bite: up and move.
get him out of there.

Serenidad

It's not as easy as you think Fini. Maybe I just needed some moral support. It's hard being the mom of a bullied child. Please don't judge unless you have walked a mile in my shoes. I'm doing the best I can and staying sober while O do it. Prayers would be preferred.

Soberpotamus

I think people just want to encourage you take some action, Serenidad, for your own good, so that you don't feel completely pushed to the wall and go drink.

It helps sometimes to take an action, a step, even if it turns out to be the wrong one.

At least you won't feel like you're helpless and have no choice but to drink.

Serenidad

Thanks Lexie, I'm not really going to scare the bully or have revenge. I would never hurt or frighten a child. Sometimes people just need to vent. If I hadn't come here and posted the pain of seeing my son being bullied I may have drank the other day....and I didn't. I appreciate everyone's help....I feel that this is a safe non-judgemental (for the most part) place to share fears, feelings etc etc. Thank you to everyone for your support.

Serenidad

Thanks Jennie, my husband and I are talking and praying about the right action to take. We ARE taking action but are not doing anything rash.

Have a nice evening.

Venecia

I took a look at the link Sugarbear so kindly provided. It has some excellent information, including a helpline and a state-specific listing of resources. Hope it provides you some help.

Upon edit: the state-specific resources are from stopbullying.gov; the link is on the page Sugarbear provided.

Serenidad

I appreciate EVERYONE'S advice on how to help my son. I have prayed about this until I am blue in the face and have been discussing it with my husband, family and sponsor.

Thanks to anyone who can pray for my son. I think we are on our way to a resolution soon. We WILL stop this bully!

God Bless you all. I'll be ok too. I appreciate being able to come here and share my pain. I'm so grateful I didn't drink over this! Many of you reminded me that drinking would only make things worse and that really helped.

Thx and good night! :-)

Aellyce

Hi Serenidad.

I can't give you practical info on how to deal with school system or how you could help stop the bullying, will just tell you a very simple subjective thing, based on my own experience in childhood. I was bullied in kindergarten and primary school, and also by some kids in our neighborhood, up to about age 10. I'm not actually sure my parents were very aware of it because I never complained. Some of the teachers saw it of course, and I believe they said something to my parents... just not much memory of ever discussing it at home. I dealt with it on my own, more or less. Or by making close friends with other kids in similar situations -- alliances, sort of "us against the world". And also with detaching myself from kids and seeking the company of people much older than me, which is not exactly healthy.

What I can tell you in retrospect, as an adult: I did suffer long term consequences due to it, and some I think will most likely be with me for my whole life. What I think now about what would have definitely helped, and what my parents could have done: being available and open to me about discussing my experiences and emotions in the safe environment of our home. Like I said I have no memory of such event, most likely never happened or definitely not much. The other thing that could likely have been very helpful is to take me to some sort of therapy, and encourage professional interference in how the bullying affected me. I firmly believe these things would have saved me years of self-destructive behaviors later as a consequence, and many years of trying to process that stuff on my own, already as an adult. I think I was very successful with that in the end, but how long it took and how complicated!

What I am trying to get to, in terms of your role and how you can help as a mom: be there for your kid, be available and compassionate in the security of your home. I am sure you see how your drinking through this would interfere with that seriously... so please don't drink over this, or anything -- if you need help for yourself, seek help... you have the advantage of the awareness (of your problems) that I think my mom did not, so could do it more easily.
Glad you posted about this

Serenidad

Thanks Haennie, thankfully our son has a very large family support system and with me being sober now (not binge drinking 2-3 evenings per week) I am emotionally available for him too. He also sees his school counselor and a psychologist. He started seeing the psychologist 2 years ago for anxiety but he also helps with the bully stuff. I just pray this kid finds someone else to pick on soon. I'm sorry you were bullied. I was too. It's so hard.

Berrybean

Hi - I'm not saying that this book recommendation will be able to change to bully, but it might just help you and your son work through the anxieties that you both have about it, and ease the load a little. My old class used it a lot (sometimes with me; sometimes in groups; sometimes asking to photocopy pages to take home and share with parents). It got very well used by them, so in a way I'm passing on their recommendation...

The book is called Bullies, Bigmouths and So Called Friends and it is written by Jenny Alexander.

All resentments have the power to make us want to escape them - and if we can't make them go away by 'dealing' with them, the temptation will be there to drink them away and alter our perception of reality. As you and others have said - it won't help anything, only make it worse. Stay strong. xxx