Serenidad

I know drinking won't help the situation but my son is being bullied and this has been going on by the same kid for a while. The school does nothing. I am at the point where I just want to scream at this kid but don't want to make it worse for my son. What should I or can I do?

Seeing my son being bullied makes me feel so helpless and as F-d up as it is... Makes me want a drink because I feel so angry!

Dee74

Maybe approach the local school board if the school itself is not responsive?

D

least

Make a police report. The kid and his parents can't shrug that off so easily.

LexieCat

Your drinking would more than likely be the LEAST helpful thing you could do in this situation. Your son needs a sober parent to deal with this, and complaints from a drunk parent are rarely taken seriously.

If the school is not responsive, I'd suggest contacting a lawyer. Not that you have to file an expensive lawsuit--not yet--but schools have legal liability in these situations and they are obligated by law to address it. I'd suggest finding a lawyer who specializes in education and/or civil rights law (your bar association can recommend someone) and have that attorney write a letter demanding that the school address the situation. Usually an initial consultation and a letter would not be very expensive, and it might light a fire under them. A threat of legal action is usually sufficient. Have you brought the matter to the attention of the Superintendent and/or the School Board?

I'd suggest that you SOBERLY write out a very detailed account of the incidents that have occurred and whom you have talked to in an effort to have the matter addressed. This will be important for the lawyer and/or any letters you send, yourself, to the school officials. I'd suggest putting EVERYTHING in writing from now on, and keeping a diary/log of incidents and contacts.

FeenixxRising

I'm not a violent man, but sometimes the old ways are the best ways, and I've dealt with my share of bullies (hint: most are cowards when confronted).

Anyway, IMO there's usually only one way to stop bullies, and that's to confront them head on. In my day, I would have walked up to the kid in the school hallway or somewhere public and punched the kid right in the face. And after punching him, I would have said "every time you screw with me, that's what will happen". That stops the bully in his tracks.

Unfortunately, while this type of action was acceptable and preferred in my day, it is now socially unacceptable (and would probably result in charges being brought against your son). Sometimes I do yearn for the old days.

I'm sure I'll be criticized for this comment, and that's OK. But I do loath bullies, and sometimes violence is the answer (or at least not backing down from the perpetrator of violence).

Anyway Serenidad, I hope this gets sorted out, no kid should be bullied, but the reality is that bullying doesn't stop at childhood, so your son will have to learn how to handle these types of individuals sooner or later, so it may as well be now. So stay strong, you and you son will get through this.

FeenixxRising

I agree with Lexie. In lieu of your son punching the bully in the nose, you should keep a detailed record of the incidents. And of course, if the creep does something physical to your kid, you should then consider calling law enforcement.

ScottFromWI

You've asked this same question a few times recently and gotten a lot of good responses with some good suggestions of what to do for help with the situation. Have you tried any of them? Below is a link to the most recent thread which might be worth a re-read

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...y-own-way.html

Serenidad

Thanks Feenix! That is exactly what I think my son should do! Punch him in the face and see if he screws with him again! Would they really being charges against at 12 year old boy who stands up to his bully? If so that's pathetic because the school has left him no choice! :-(

Serenidad

Scott! I appreciate your help but you always posting my PAST posts and recommending therapy to me and everyone else on this site doesn't always help. If I had the advice I needed the first time I posted answered, I wouldn't have posted again. The link to my last post you just added wasn't directly related to the bullying of my son.

No offense, but sometimes I find you responses quite condescending. If I had the solution...I wouldn't post a new thread and YES! I alway read ALL the responses to my threads.

Be well.

FeenixxRising

It's hard to say these days. In the late 60's through the late 70's, when I was in school, fights were usually handled by the school, and usually with parents involved, but not law enforcement. Personally, I wouldn't recommend that your son do anything physical unless he is defending himself.

I was a little small before I hit my teen years, and I was a bit introverted, so I was often a target for bullies. Sometimes telling a bully to STFU or there's going to be a problem was enough to stop the bully. Like I said earlier, in my experience, most bullies back down when confronted, as these types of individuals feed off of people who usually aren't confrontational and quiet/peaceful types by nature. Once the bully knows that their target will push back, the bully tends to loose interest and move on.

Serenidad

I agree completely!

dwtbd

I'm not sure what the best approach to helping your son out of the situation he finds himself is, though I'm leaning toward the old school, but then again given the current litigious environment and such..definitely a tough one.
Regardless wanting to drink is wanting to drink, the idea that anger mitigates making the choice to drink is only justification/excuse, pure AV.

silentrun

It does seem like bullying often goes unchallenged. My daughter had some friends that were being bullied and she said the same thing about the school doing nothing even after being told about it. She wanted to use her fists on these bullies (she can hold her own). I asked her not to because I didn't want to pay for new teeth or a nose job.
People who bully are not happy. Sometimes it is helpful to remember that well adjusted kids don't act out in this way. Keep pressing the issue but also try to help him understand what the dynamic is.
You getting drunk is going to cause him more pain then the bully. Stay focused and give him a safe place at home.

trachemys

OK. I'm in the strong camp. Try to bully me or mine and there's going to be stoppage. Learned that from my Mom. She's a s tough as they come. As loving as they come, too. But, she can be a terror when family is threatened. She's stood down men twice her size. Booze is not necessary.

QuietToday

I'll just +1 telling your son to punch this bully in the teeth the next time it happens.
And, of course, you shouldn't drink

Seriously, boys need to do things like fight. It's extremely important towards confidence and growth with boys, because whether it's reasonable or not, there are still extremely situated gender-norms with children (and the world at large, of course).
Girls tend to get bullied by secrets and gossip because the way girls open to others is by honesty and familiarity. With boys, they're bullied by violence and antagonism because the ways that boys open up with one another is by physical activity, which on the positive spectrum is sports and bicycle riding and all of that, and on the negative is fighting.

When a boy doesn't respond to a bully's violence with violence, this frequently amounts in an extremely dangerous angle to the boy's development psychologically, often making him unable to handle antagonistic persons throughout their school years, and generating an eventually warped view of what antagonism actually is. This results in a form of hyper-sensitivity, and intensive anxiety. If not worse.

Now if the bullying were to be actually stopped when the school was told, then that is fine. But as you've said, and as is so often the case, this just doesn't happen.

So seriously; tell him the next time the kid messes with him, to punch him as hard as he can in the face. They'll get in a scrap and probably be suspended, but I'd definitely throw my bet in that this proves to be not only the solution to the problem, but also greatly beneficial to your son's confidence as well.

Dee74

Sorry but fighting bullying with violence is a terrible idea.
It perpetuates the culture of might is right.

I tried that on my dad's advice.
I got a sound beating and the bullying got worse.

D

Johno1967

My kids have been doing Zen Do Kai Karate over 6 years now since preschool and are first Dan black belt. It's taught them confidence, self discipline and assertiveness as well as self defense. It inspired me to also take it up as part of my recovery. A big part of the curriculum is dealing with bullies who for most part are victims themselves and often cowards seeking easy targets. Martial arts teaches violence as a last resort. There are strategies to defuse and disarm a bully before needing to whip his butt. Karate teaches kids those strategies. I strongly urge you if you can to research some local options for martial arts for your child. Consider also taking it up. I guarantee you will not be disappointed.

Verte

Hi Serenidad,

I wrote a novella response and then my phone froze. In brief, or not so brief:

You have power. It just needs to be channeled properly. Do not drink! Action usually takes care of my anxiety, perhaps that would work for you?.

If you have talked to principal and guidance counselor then call and arrange to talk with school superintendent. Ask what you can do together to address this situation so your son can go to school in peace. Make yourself known and make sure the right people know what is going on/lack of policy and response is unacceptable.

Ask to meet with each teacher individually and make each aware of situation and consider what can be done to decrease exposure to bully.

Initial consult and letter from lawyer is a nice idea.

Call or email your local news station, newspaper and let it be known that School X does not have a policy or response for bullying. They might do a little investigative blurb.

True story: One of my little brothers punched a bully in the nose, on behalf of a smaller in size team mate, after warning that it would happen if the taunting continued. All parents were notified of assault. Per school policy, the bully was sent to the ER by ambulance and my bro, age 12, was handcuffed and taken to the police station by squad car. No charges were pressed by bully's parents because according to them it was about time that someone did it. My brother and mom had to appear in court where my bro was told he had to maintain a clean record or there would be consequences. Obviously the single punch to the nose had consequences for everyone involved.

Squeak. Squeak. Squeak! Do what you have to do with the time you have.

Hey, what would Soberlicious suggest? Let's channel her.

Jeni26

I am FIRMLY in the anti-violence camp.

As a word of caution, I work in school management, and we were recently appointing a new teacher straight from college. Our first choice...a lovely keen intelligent young woman...we had to turn down because she had been convicted of assault when she was 15. Standing up to a bully means she has a criminal conviction and is thereby unable to work with children under 8 years old.

But this isn't really about bullying is it? That is a smoke screen. It's about managing stress without drinking. I've had a stressful 24 hours, living with an active alcoholic is proving to be really tough and I've had such an anxious time of it. But I know I've got to walk through this sober...if I dont I will be lost in my alcoholism, for each time I allow it to win, the harder it gets to get up again.

Be strong and do the right thing. I've got faith in you.

trachemys

Good for your little brother, Verte. Sure, consequences happen. That doesn't change the fact that bullies need to be stopped.