KAD

....But resurfacing.

I've never wanted to be that kind of person to come back with my tail between my legs, admitting failure and defeat. I've never wanted people to react to that news the same way I often to react to it when I read it.

But I've spent quite a lot of time here, shared a lot of information about my history and personal life. I feel like I mostly have friends here, even though I'll likely never see any of you. Even though I could vanish forever and none of you would ever hear a word from me again, it's not in my heart to do that, even anonymously.

I've fallen into a pattern that I am in the process of trying to break, using various tools available to me. I tend to get sober for 3 months, focus on staying sober, then I either get bored or think I could handle moderation again. One drink starts the whole cycle over again.

This last bout, again, turned out to stretch out over a month and a half - just like the one before it. I tried tapering after the first week and a half - didn't work. So I went to a weekend clinic and was prescribed 3 days of Librium. I stayed sober for a day but then, for whatever reason, just decided to drink again the next day.

That went on for another month, alternating between clenching my firsts and yelling at myself to "man up" because I knew I could make this tapering thing work if I really wanted to. I did want to. I just wanted another drink after the one I waited on for 3 hours felt so good. The rest of the time I was just useless and felt sick much of the time. All I wanted to do was lay around in front of the TV and sleep. I didn't sleep well at night, wasn't eating well, and my health was starting to suffer again as a result. I was continuing to drink again, simply to avoid the hell of withdrawal.

Today is my second day clean again. After trying everything I knew without seeing a doctor - to get through withdrawal as quickly and painlessly as possible, I was at a loss again. I did not want to go look him and his nurse in the eyes and tell them I screwed up again! They were understanding and professional. He prescribed another med to help me through withdrawal and Campral to help with cravings. (Gotta say I am already noticing a difference with the latter!)

For the most part, I am doing well. Still a little shaky at times, sweaty at night, and having wacky dreams, but my appetite is up and I don't feel like sleeping all day long. That's it in a nutshell. Glad to be back. Wish it was under better circumstances.

IOAA2

Hi.
Reading your post reminds me of the words: Alcohol= Powerful, cunning and baffling.

Because we are alcoholics it is very difficult to taper off alcohol because the first drink sets up a compulsion for another and another and………..
For most it’s more successful to go through the involvement of just plain old stopping.
Staying sober is a different story and involves work and change which means getting honest with ourselves about our drinking and accepting the fact we cannot drink in safety. It’s that simple.

BE WELL

Aellyce

Hello, GMO I am sorry to hear that you are struggling again. Good to see you trying though.

Is there anything you think you could do this time around, to avoid falling back into the same cycle? Do you honestly believe this will work the way you tend to approach these stints with drinking and sobriety, the way you describe in this post (again, after so many similar posts)? It's great if Campral will be working for you somewhat, but as you know, you cannot rely on it forever. I am not going to suggest anything specific because I think I did so many times before, except trying to make you think again about the pattern I am sure you see more than clearly.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with talking about your struggles and what you perceive as defeat and failure in this community, much better than suffering in silence, in my opinion. I really, really hope you will seek and find the help and approach that will get you further efficiently.

Ellay

Good Morning, GMO hope that the Campral helps. Thank you for coming back, and showing how one drink isn't the answer. I really appreciate it.

LBrain

Regardless of what you may deem a failure, I'm glad you posted and are back doing this again.
It takes guts to go back to doc and admit you have a weakness. But it shows that you have strength as well. Stay strong and get through this. You are worth it.

Anna

Failure does not mean defeat. Defeat would be giving up. And, you're not doing that. You're back here, you've talked to the dr, and you're working on your recovery.

KAD

Yes, there are several avenues I am working toward to change up this pattern - give myself something to look forward to in my sober life that makes the drinking life seem less and less rewarding. (Given what I know about it now, it sounds absurd to even call it "rewarding!") I actually felt like I was getting there at one point, and in some very recent posts, but I wasn't doing enough to make necessary changes and improvements in my life. Things got stagnant and I fell back into the same old patterns, like a rubber band snapping back to its original form.

KAD

I think one of the most humbling aspects of this illness, affliction, addiction, disease, or whatever one wishes to call it is that I never in a million years thought I'd, first, become physically addicted to anything or second, reach a point at which I am no longer able to stop it on my own.

Oh, I'm sure if there were suddenly no more doctors or hospitals or booze, I'd either survive or die trying, but the experience of trying to get through withdrawal on my own now is not just moderately uncomfortable, it is downright terrifying! My doctor told me I am in the "Intermediate Phase" and it is crucial that we get it under control permanently. I couldn't agree more.

Boleo

Has it ever occurred to you that "no more doctors or no more hospitals" might be just be the solution instead of a problem?

I did not get recovered till I had exhausted all other options. That is when I was given the Gift Of Desperation.

KAD

Depends entirely upon what the problem is. In this particular case, not having access to doctors or medical care might have meant we wouldn't be having this conversation at all.

Aellyce

Knowing your pattern of relapses and how you approach sobriety a little, I feel that you would probably really benefit from, or say need, a rigorous (daily? at least for a while?) program of recovery and maybe some supervision. I don't think that your problem is denial of the severity of your addiction, but maybe denial that you are clearly not able to break the cycle on your own without some form of longer term serious focus on your recovery and external, regular HUMAN help with it. It's great that you go back to the doctors and try a variety of meds and are making sure your withdrawal is safe, but I think you need to think further as well now.

Would you have access to inpatient or outpatient rehab? I feel that a little "forced" environmental and daily activity changed might provide some kick that could help, along with the supervision I brought up. It may not be the easiest to find a place if you don't live in an area that has plenty of them, but there must be options. There are so many options for these programs available. This would be my no. 1 suggestion to start doing things differently.

No. 2: I know that you were not a fan of AA, but I think many people feel similarly about it in the beginning, but they keep going with some kind of faith it may help despite the doubts and initial discomfort. And then changes may start happening after a while.

All of us with addiction very seriously struggle with breaking habits (many kinds usually, I think!) initially, but there is no other way. Break the old one and immediately start establishing new ones. I think this is what you probably tend to "lose" after a month or two, and fall back into old type of thinking, distractions, and what you describe as "getting bored" with focusing on sobriety. I really don't think that 3 months of intense, daily focus on recovery is enough for most of us. It definitely wasn't for me.

So all-in-all, my suggestion is that you find a rigorous 3D program, keep doing it, and don't let yourself get distracted by irrelevant things and motivations for much longer than 3 months. You are an intelligent and sensitive person with so much potential... you would be so worth it!

biminiblue

Thank you for posting this today. We cannot safely drink ever again.

GracieLou

I am glad you are back

It does not really matter what others wish to call it, what do you call it?

Aellyce

Here is another thought, GMO. You have been coming back to SR for years despite these cycles. That is, without question, a very brave attitude and it shows that in your heart, you do want to "get out" of this. If you feel that if you need more human connection in your recovery than what you have had during the previous attempts at recovery, and you like SR... maybe use it as a daily method to connect with like-minded people. There are many different "groups" here on SR, brought together and sticking together based on a large variety of interests. Some strongly focused on the day-to-day struggle with staying sober, others focused on different psychological and lifestyle issues or preferences, and yet others are just regular human teams of people sharing a common hobby or interest. Why not join some of these and contribute daily or kind of? It may not seem to make a huge amount of sense for you right now and it may feel overwhelming, but making some posts on other people's threads or on these sub-community threads daily, focusing on trying to add to these and help, really does not take so much energy if we don't do it obsessively, I think. A sentence or two, or anything... With time, perhaps these activities start to have some meaning to you, start to motivate you in ways you may not have expected earlier? Rewarding without extremes? One key perhaps is to keep it focused on how it helps sobriety, yours and others? Then you can add other positive interests you may have, and similarly be part of communities, exchanging ideas regarding these interests, etc?

I am not suggesting that you ever do these to replace 3D support and relationships. Just perhaps use SR a little differently, as it seems you do like coming back here. Maybe that would help you discover new levels of connection and belonging that were not in your default preferences before. My journey on SR has definitely evolved this way and I can't even begin to describe to you how rewarding and meaningful it has been, and how much it has helped to transform my reality regarding sobriety and in other ways I am still amazed to discover!

KAD

In time, Haennie. I'm only 48 hours in at the moment and am feeling a bit overwhelmed indeed. Besides being emotionally worn out, spending the last 2 nights sweating and having really loud, violent, and bizarre dreams has left me physically exhausted, too. Plus, I'm hitting the detox phase and all the...fun stuff associated with that...

Yeah, it will take some time and, as I've mentioned before, I tend to become too obsessive with sites like these and then, when I don't feel like I'm getting what I'm looking for, instead of sounding like a whiner, I'll just fade out again. It's going to have to be quality vs. quantity for me, otherwise I'll burn myself out trying too hard.

Hevyn

It's so good to see you GMO. You'll probably be more determined than ever, having had this setback. I was a very slow learner - but after almost 30 yrs. of drinking, I've been free over 6 yrs. You can do it too.

KAD

On Day 3 and still hanging tough. I feel very rundown and tired, though. I think that may also be a touch of a cold I picked up from my kids. I feel like I could sleep all day. Wish I could! Anyway, just checking in...

Aellyce

Hi, good to see you checking in. Hang in there. Being in withdrawal and sick at the same time sucks but it'll get better!

KAD

Day 4 has been a busy and trying day, but I have felt better physically. It was the first night I didn't wake up so sweaty. Feeling regrets over things I've neglected over the past month and a half long drunken stupor, but nothing I can do about that now. Got an appointment with a counselor Monday to discuss my options. We'll see how it goes!

Aellyce

Nice to hear you are feeling better On the counseling, one suggestion I would have is that you evaluate the therapist and your interactions with him/her, assess whether you can imagine it being productive and helpful in the recovery area. Also, are you actually getting practical advice and useful "tools" out of it, in addition to discussion? If not, I would not keep going to the same person long and find someone else. For me, my therapy experience has been probably the most important component of my recovery, next to SR, even though we don't really focus on my drinking per se much. I figured that one reason this works so well is because the therapist really clicks with me... so lucky (but he is not the first one, I did have to look for the right one). So I am very motivated to work with him on everything and also to try to implement what I learn, also to be able to report to him the result. It's exciting each time, I think for both of us. So the key element is the relationship, really, but it's nothing new, a very well known phenomenon about therapy. I'm definitely experiencing it big time. But not to be mistaken, it's not like he is a close relative or a friend... it's more like a primarily business relationship, a very good one, with someone I trust and can work with very well. It's goal-oriented. But I know I could not do the same with anyone.

Good luck, buddy