Notices

2 years sober & lots of cravings

Old 10-19-2014, 11:40 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
oak
Member
Thread Starter
 
oak's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 861
2 years sober & lots of cravings

I have 2 years sober. I go for 6 months or so feeling solidly sober (without cravings). Then I seem to have cravings and urges for 2 months or so. I have had lots of cravings, urges, and thoughts about alcohol and pills since mid-August. I'm feeling worn down by the thoughts & that concerns me.

It seems like the cravings were initially triggered in mid-August when I tried to quit drinking caffeine. Also- triggered by intense guilt and other emotions from severe child abuse. I've been working on the trauma memories in therapy. I talk to my therapist about the cravings too. I trust that my therapist knows what he is doing with EMDR and resolving trauma.

I generally love being sober. There is so much more that I can do sober, compared to drunk or hung over. My life narrows when I drink. I keep reminding myself that in the past, it was more comfortable to crave than to actually drink. No matter how bad cravings were, drinking was always worse. I get very miserable when drinking (although temporarily euphoric).

I called my health insurance company to talk to an intake counselor about what services they offer. I'm scared and excited to go there. For people who have done therapy groups, what happened and was it useful? I am so shy in groups, but I am hoping that a good therapist would include everyone in the group.

I have been going to NA groups for the past month. There are several very good groups near me. I have gone in the past, but then I start feeling too weird at NA, like my addiction was not enough to qualify for NA, and then I stop going to groups. I really like the NA groups. I did meet a lot more women in NA this past month, compared to other times I tried NA. (I'm female.) In the past, there were few women at meetings. (I've tried AA, SMART, WFS, & LifeRing. I prefer NA.) I'm hoping that I will continue going to NA meetings, even when or if I start feeling better.

These are the thoughts of denial-
It's not a real addiction.
Drinking got so bad so quickly that I must have made it up. Maybe I was trying to be dramatic (even though I did it alone at home).
It's a wussy, cute, little addiction. (That is so painful to say. Addiction hurts. Denying addiction hurts more.)
Drinking looks so benign when others do it. It will be okay.
I have so much trauma in my history that nothing matters anyway. Might as well give into addiction.
The cravings & urges will never stop. Might as well give in.

But I love being sober and my life goes better when sober. I hope it gets easier very soon!

It helped to write. Thanks for reading.
oak is offline  
Old 10-19-2014, 12:06 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Do your best
 
Soberwolf's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 67,047
Well done on 2 years sober i love being sober too

glad you wrote it down it really helps to release it get it off your chest etc

thank you oak
Soberwolf is offline  
Old 10-19-2014, 03:32 PM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Administrator
 
Dee74's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,048
It's good to see you Oak

I think many people think that recovery should be a straight line and that every year we rack up we get farther and farther away from having to deal with 'recovery stuff'.

That's not been true with me. Every year has bought its challenges (not just recoverywise) and every challenge brings a response.

sometimes that response has been the awakening of 'old feelings' and old desires, however faint, and muted.

It's not a struggle per se anymore, but I agree it's something that needs regular maintenance

SR is here for us guys as much as it is the newcomers Oak. I hope you'll check in a little and vent and reach out, and let us know how you're doing with your recovery and your plans

D
Dee74 is offline  
Old 10-19-2014, 03:39 PM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
 
Petewill's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: florida
Posts: 207
Congrats on 2 years Oak....
Petewill is offline  
Old 10-19-2014, 06:05 PM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
 
ru12's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Eastern Us
Posts: 1,366
Sorry oak. Good to see you post.
ru12 is offline  
Old 10-19-2014, 06:19 PM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Washington, MO
Posts: 2,306
Oak, you have 2 years of valuable experience to give here. Stay. Tell us how you did it. Heck, I'm struggling with the caffeine thing right now too. I would love to see more of how you did it. Congrats on 730+ days! You are awesome.
anattaboy is offline  
Old 10-19-2014, 06:31 PM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Michigan
Posts: 1,945
Alcohol is a drug to I'd keep going to NA since you like it. You could also go to AA congrats on two years alcohol free I want to be free of it. I had for years in AA started to have using dreams a lot and was sponsor less for two years after my 14th hospitalization for schizophrenia bi-polar and major depression all the times I was alcohol and drug free I became mad at GOD and drank It's been a year and nine months of relapsing I have ten days booze free and I'm feeling a lot better. My mom I live with my parents I'm on disability my mom said if I drink again I have to go to a homeless shelter all of a sudden I had an honest desire to stop drinking. I had cravings real bad yesterday and laid in bed till I fell asleep woke up 2 and half hour nap the cravings were gone. I get so bored not working cause I have episodes all the time I need to find a hobby I really like playing poker won 22$ HOUR IN 375 HOURS OF PLAY BUT i GOT M,ANIC AND WAS AFRAID i'D SPEND OUR GIVE ALL MY MONEY AWAY WITCH i DID WITH HALF OF THE MONEY SO i GAVE IT TO MY MOM TO HOLD ONTO WHEN i GOT BETTER SHE SAID i NEED TO BY A NEW CAR AND SHE'S NOT GIVING ME THE MONEY BACK. i BOUGHT A USED CAR FOR CHEAP i REALLY LIKE IT. Glad I have such loving and caring parents otherwise I'd be homeless.Sorry I cap lock on accident to lazy to rewrite.
dsmaxis10 is offline  
Old 10-19-2014, 06:38 PM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Still I rise.
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Oh Canada!
Posts: 1,121
Just popping by to saying I can relate.

Almost two years for me, and I'm still dealing with fighting those urges every once in awhile.

sigh.

It does get tiring, doesn't it?
RevivingOphelia is offline  
Old 10-19-2014, 07:25 PM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Member
 
waynetheking's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2013
Location: fort worth tx
Posts: 1,373
Hi oak, glad you reached out to us. Sounds like you realize drinking is not an option. It will make your life worse. I have over a year and a half now and I gotta tell ya, the cravings have almost completely vanished. It does worry me. This doesn't seem normal. But I just accept it and ask gods help daily. Just remember oak, alcoholism is a deadly disease. If you start drinking you might not make it back to sobriety. And you will want to quit again. Because your drinking will put you in misery and pain. So heres your solution to these cravings. Tell yourself drinking is no longer an option. Completely surrender to sobriety. Sobriety is not boring, its comforting. Its safe. Its chosing life over death.
Thank you for sharing with us. Your posts helps everyone who's here and wants sobriety!
waynetheking is offline  
Old 10-19-2014, 07:46 PM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Member
 
SoberandGlad's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Northern Virginia
Posts: 88
Cravings will pass.
SoberandGlad is offline  
Old 10-19-2014, 07:46 PM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Sober since 10th April 2012
 
FeelingGreat's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi Oak, you've absolutely done the right thing by posting your feelings here, because talking/writing about them can give you some distance and objectivity. I don't crave that often now, but when I do I'm lucky enough to be able to distance myself from it. 'Oh look! I'm craving, I wonder what brought that on?' I hope you can get to this stage.

If you've noticed the pattern, maybe you can plan for it in advance by scheduling other activities during the danger time? That way you take control.

It sounds like you're doing fine though.
FeelingGreat is offline  
Old 10-19-2014, 09:10 PM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: United States
Posts: 163
I'm also the same way. Have been sober for over 2 years, did it without ever going to AA/NA, rehab/detox, etc. But I do miss the taste of some alcohol. I'm not sure if this is really a craving? I was never physically addicted to alcohol. Not sure if I was psychologically addicted either?

But I'm OK with not drinking, since it would not help the issues I'm having with life and relatives right now.
fotographia is offline  
Old 10-19-2014, 11:21 PM
  # 13 (permalink)  
oak
Member
Thread Starter
 
oak's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 861
Thanks everyone. Reading your responses helped. I often don't reach out, but I'm glad I did today. I even talked at an NA meeting tonight. It does help to share what is going on. But admitting that I need help and asking for help is not easy for me.

I feel scared but also calm. Kind of strange. I am sure that if I relapse, it won't end well. Connecting to people at meetings seems to be increasing my motivation to stay sober. I think it is primarily unresolved child abuse memories that is making sobriety tough right now. Of course, the irony is that it is sobriety that allows me to work on and heal the past trauma. It's scary seeing how bad it can get. I have to keep in mind that I probably have the resources to work through this. The good part is that it is motivating me to be more willing to get help and to connect to others.

Thanks everyone!
oak is offline  
Old 10-19-2014, 11:45 PM
  # 14 (permalink)  
Administrator
 
Dee74's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,048
I'm glad you're talking about it oak. One thing I do know is pouring alcohol on that kind of stuff is kinda like pouring gasoline on an open fire....

I'm glad you're looking into therapy

D
Dee74 is offline  
Old 10-20-2014, 12:22 AM
  # 15 (permalink)  
Deaf to AV
 
jshep's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Western NYS
Posts: 62
Welcome, Oak. SR is always here for us and that is a great comfort to me..knowing others will help me see how to be strong and resist the cravings. They're here for you too, whenever you're in need or just need the company of people in the same boat.
jshep is offline  
Old 10-20-2014, 04:13 AM
  # 16 (permalink)  
Member
 
BackToSquareOne's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Bethlehem, PA.
Posts: 1,781
Oak, in the 7 years since I quit I have thought about it many times. It has only ever been a passing thought tho, it has never been to the level of obsession as it was in my drinking days. If it ever got to those levels I would want to figure out what was going on.
BackToSquareOne is offline  
Old 10-20-2014, 07:08 AM
  # 17 (permalink)  
Member
 
Leshar's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Canada
Posts: 3,960
Hello, I just wanted to say that I empathize completely. What you are going through is very, very hard, but you have the fortitude to come here and post about what you're struggling with, and by doing so, you have helped me, so thank you for that.
Good luck with your therapy group. I did a 16 week relapse prevention group through an addictions agency, and I was terrified, but it was a very good experience, I felt very safe, so hope your plan works out.
Congratulations on all your hard work! Don't give up!
Leshar is offline  
Old 10-20-2014, 07:27 AM
  # 18 (permalink)  
zjw
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 5,229
it was more comfortable to crave than to actually drink.
Thats a really interesting true point. I can take a craving for example when i poured my buckets of wine the booze scent alone could make ya drunk. I smelled it and yes part of me thought OMFG gross and part of me thought it smelled heavenly. As it went down the drain sure I craved But I also laughed at the cravings. I thought Oh all the good times i coulda had all going down the drain oh it woulda been so fun an I laughed at the rediculousness of my thinking. I took my craving and made it out to be what it really is laughable. Maybe its my twisted sense of humor. But I'll even joke sometimes perhaps I should just stop in the liquor store and pick up a handle of something that'll surely solve wtvr problem. I'll make light of it cause I know in all seriousness it'll never fix nothing.

so to your point its easier for me to crave then to drink. Crave I can laugh about it and see it for what it really is. Acutally drinking however is a miserable expierience i wouldnt be able to see the forest through the trees i'd be in a dark place in no time. Its must easier to crave and let them pass.
zjw is offline  
Old 10-20-2014, 07:31 AM
  # 19 (permalink)  
zjw
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 5,229
Oak, in the 7 years since I quit I have thought about it many times. It has only ever been a passing thought tho, it has never been to the level of obsession as it was in my drinking days. If it ever got to those levels I would want to figure out what was going on.
What spooks me is I know how I am. Just one sip and it would be just as bad as it was. Its like when I smoke a cigarette after quiting for a while. THat one cigarette well its only sorta ok. Once I put it out I think nah I dont need to do that stuff. a couple hours will go by and the cravings start to kick. if not then by the next day I'll be smoking again and justifying more and more of them. Booze would be much the same way for me. I think if I had one beer I'd probably love it and hate it all at the same time. I could probably put it down and say nah thats not for me anymore. But I bet within a couple hours or by the following evening i'd buy at the very least a 6 pack telling myself I'm only gonna have half of one maybe then i'd simply polish them off and be angry i didnt buy a case and surely the following evebing I'd be buyen that case.

I know myself too well I know what i'd do and it scares me. So I just dont bother drinking.
zjw is offline  
Old 10-20-2014, 11:21 AM
  # 20 (permalink)  
Member
 
heartcore's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: New Orleans, LA
Posts: 985
Oak -

I can deeply relate to most of what you posted. In particular, my AV has always used my history of childhood abuse to convince me that "whatever coping tools (meaning alcohol and drugs) I need to survive after that is ok."

This is a very tricky message to diffuse in my dialog with my AV, because it sounds so...reasonable.

The abuse stuff emerges often, in myriad ways. My abuse was sexual, and so all my relationships and sexuality have wispy reminders of it. I also worked for many years as support to similarly abused children, and for a while worked at prosecuting offenders, all of which have re-triggered my stuff - whether from a point of view of victimization or anger and vengeance. I've done my share of therapy around it, too, with varied results, but in the end found that therapy triggered more than it healed. Lifelong reminders and "returning to."

The way that I have learned to counter that argument for using and drinking has been to acknowledge that - yes, I had more my share of trauma in this area. Yes, it will be re-triggered throughout my lifetime, especially since it was sexual and I am a human being who relates sexually to people I love. Yes, dealing with it when it emerges will require coping tools. Then - here it is... - alcohol and drugs are inefficient coping tools for this issue.

Alcohol and drugs actually magnify issues for me. They allow obsessional thinking, circling thinking. They put me into random sexual situations with people I don't know or trust, thus providing more opportunity for scary outcomes which re-trigger me. Alcohol and drugs make me unhealthy and physically weaker, and the body and emotions are more interconnected that we care to admit. Alcohol and drugs change the functioning of the brain, triggering depression and anxiety, which are the last qualities I need to deal with my issues. Alcohol abuse encourages isolation and loneliness for me, eroding my support networks.

Conversely, with my body and brain healthy, my support networks in place and vital, my life functional and dynamic - sober - I am able to meet any memory of trauma with brave resilience. When I surround myself with people who are also in recovery, the likelihood that my issues will be understood and supported are increased. If I surround myself with healthy people (or at least people not inside their addictions) the hope that I will be able to find a partner who is kind and non-violent and loving, so that I can share a radiant, loving sexuality with them, will increase exponentially.

As you can see, I've developed an argument which cuts my AV off in mid-sentence, and silences his whiny manipulations using this issue.

I actually think it is small and cheap that my AV chooses to use one of my most sensitive and hurty places as a trick to convince me to use or drink.

I hope that this helps. I believe that there is nothing in our past abuse which is warrants our slowly destructive suicide through drugs and alcohol. When we do that, our abusers win twice. I hate those f*****s, and choose not to give them the satisfaction...
heartcore is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 12:12 AM.