alcoholicfaith

Hi all. I have been reading this forum for awhile, and I apologize that my first post is going to be a lengthy one and may even **** off a few of you.

First of all, I am very glad that there is such a place as this, many of you are very positive, when I read your posts, I can feel the sincerity, the willingness to help.

Yet for quite a number of replies to other threads, I feel quite disheartened to see that a significant amount of posters replied in a way which I would best describe as "seeing one side of the story". I apologize that I may sound judgemental when I say this, but please do not encourage others to leave their alcoholic spouse, while you are entitled to your own opinion, you must also understand that your post can potentially cause a divorce, or worse, a suicide. Are you able to live with that conscience for the rest of your life?

I have read so many posts which indicated "just leave" "not worth" "you deserve better" ... Sorry to say, unless the person is being physically and mentally abused to a point to which is subjectively intolerable and detrimental to the relationship, it is best to keep the positiveness and not encourage divorce or seperation. We never know the whole story. When a person post asking for advice, the person is likely to be depressed and desperate for help, but help doesnt mean receiving negative encouragement to leave the spouse due to the spouse inability to overcome alcoholism. How many chances and how long the duration? Are you the one to decide and dictate? Yes, it is your life afterall, but do you need to impose your moral code upon others? Now that is subjective.

Alcoholism is not a choice, neither are most diseases. Do you leave your spouse if your spouse contracts a disease? Or do you stay and help and support as long as you can?

Faith.

Change4good

I understand completely what you are saying. None of us will ever understand the entirety of another's situation from a person's post.

In my experience, it is best to preface everything with, "In my experience." Locate your advice from what YOU have chosen to do given your circumstances, while granting that other's experiences and needs might be different.

(With the caveat that if people are being mentally, physically, or emotionally abused, then leaving the perpetrator might be the right course of action. In my opinion. :-) )

Change4good

And, let me add that if my husband or friends had left me when I was down and out, I would have been in a bad place. But then again, I wasn't beating the crap out of anyone.

zjw

yep i agree divorce is always a last resort and even then you gotta think is this the last option i got? and it is true a poster comes here who knows that poster could be the main problem in the relationship but we only get one side of the story. Yet there are many others where they've been in the relationship for decades and at there wits end they dont want divorce but they have no idea what options they got left at this point.

I know I always try to play the "i dont advocate divorce" card because i dont marriages can survive some serious stuff but in the end it takes 2 and both partners gotta work at it.

My mom told me once marriages fail when 1 or both partners decide they dont wanna work at it anymore. Shes right its true once one tosses in the towell thats not good. but the struggle can be very hard too as well.

I like your post I think you make a very valid point.

anattaboy

I could not post on my S/O in any way. I qualify to post in fandf but don't. Probably the vow thing and many other things. I will say we drank together, got sober within 10 days of each other (second time) and we are still married. Other than that, the details of our growing up together are not available for viewing or comment. Just me (us).

dwtbd

Who would get/take life advice sans the grains of salt from anonymous people on the interwebs, and what makes the anonymous ones responsible for advice giving?

Life advice should seldom be giving without asking, and who actually qualifies for 'giving' it?

I have some thoughts on how to end addiction, beyond that ?

biminiblue

Right. In the Friends & Family section, we've all been in these situations. We share our experiences. What anyone does with them is their choice. We don't have a lot of power from our keyboards.

Most people in F&F who post have gone through years of trying to "help" their addict. Those who reply have been there and most of us have left our qualifiers, or limit our contact with them out of necessity and for our own health. There are those in F&F who choose to stay, but the ones who are posting on internet forums are those who have found methods of dealing with the relationships, whether it is by coping within them, or leaving. It's kind of the nature of F&F. It's also the nature of addicts to try to prevent the family from getting well on their own, and that's where an anonymous forum is really helpful to those looking for solutions.

PurpleKnight

The few exceptions though may be 1) violence/abuse 2) a situation involving children.

I can see some benefit in some posts not skirting around the issue when these situations are present, as a spouse may unintentionally put themselves or children at risk, for the sake of preserving their marriage at any cost!!

My 2 cents!!

doggonecarl

That's all we see. One side of the story. The one presented by the original poster. If the poster asks for advice, we are free to give it within the bounds of the forum rules.

I'm not sure if I have ever told a married person to specifically leave their alcoholic spouse. But I have told them to take care of themselves and I have told them to have a exit strategy in place.

And I doubt if I'd tell someone to stick it out, no matter what. I'm not sure telling someone to stay with a chronic alcoholic is the best advice either.

But you are free to offer it.

Dee74

Hi alcoholicfaith and welcome

I think you're giving us perhaps a little too much power.

I'm not aware of a single instance where someone's left their partner, family or marriage solely because of advice on this, or any other, board - and certainly not in this Alcoholism forum

D

ESD907

Hello and welcome. SEE when someone gives me advice, I don't run out and do it. BUT I do think about it. WHEN i was younger, NO,..I knew better. NOW I'll take all comers. SEE I didn't become a drunk because of good advice did I. SO my perspective was wacked out. SO now I tend to take other peoples ideas and thoughts to heart. I may not use them, BUT I may . IN fact just today, I got some really usefull adivce. So we take it all with a grain of salt. Would I leave my spouse because someone in Milwaukee thinks I should? ARE you out of your mind? Same as any advice. WE think on it. we then ask our doctors about it sometimes (IN MY CASE). I again welcome you. and hope you join in.

waynetheking

Lets face it. Alcoholism destroys families. Sometimes its better to separate yourself and your kids from an active alcoholic member of the family. I don't think an alcoholic cannot be abusive. Emotionally were not there while drunk. Thats abuse. We chose to drink instead of supporting the needs of our immediate family. Thats the tragic deception of this disease. The alcoholic is the only one that doesn't realize there's a problem. Makes me sick just thinking about it.

ESD907

Wayne. Those are strong and very sobering words. They actually hurt. But I'm glad u wrote them it reminds me why I need to stay clean.

waynetheking

Sure thing esd907. We can't sugar coat any aspect about this disease. It relys on deception to kill us.

alcoholicfaith

Thank you all for your replies, it was really good to hear so many different opinions. I appreciate the genuine concern shown in this forum and I think this must have helped many people struggling with alcoholism. I dont post in forums but when I came across here I felt easy enough to post some thoughts. Maybe because I am an alcoholic myself so I can, at the very least, feel a bit of the pain many of you are going through / have gone through.

There is no positive aspect in being a drunk so I have really nothing to say, it is just that I always feel that while alcohol itself can bring both joy and pain, the joy is short term while the pain is long term - but this aspect matches a lot with many other things in life, it can be so difficult to escape from this viciouls cycle isn't it? Eventually the solution becomes the problem.

So do we solve the underlying issues why we became dependant on alcohol first or do we get alcohol out of the system first? If the underlying issues are still there how do we cope without alcohol - something which we may have been using as a tool, an escape, or whatever you call it, for a long time.

I would be very happy to hear your opinions.

doggonecarl

Chicken or the egg. That's what you are asking. Is my drinking due to some underlying issue? Or is alcohol my issue? What came first?

Doesn't matter which one, you have to quit drinking. Whatever underlying issues you might have causing you to drink, they have to be dealt with while SOBER, not while drinking. And who knows, you might find that alcohol was your primary issue, and anything else was your addiction looking for reasons to drink. Won't know till you quit.

Good luck.

zjw

I had an alcoholic stepfather when he was not physically abusive he was mentally abusive. My mother I'm sure failed to realize what was up. her mother was abusive and both parents drank a lot so i'm sure to her this behaivior was normal. Me being a child what did i know. When they very first got married i was bout 5 years old he flipped out on me picked me up slammed me against the wall and proceded to scream in my face. I liked the guy while they dated till that happened from then on I had 0 respect for him. Had she known or recognized all that went on as abuse it could have saved me 10+ more years of hell and maybe given me some semblence of a normal childhood.

I was estatic when he cheated on my mom and they split up. it was the best favor he could have ever done me. She started to realize what a drunk he was too. Now decades later I will run into old childhood friends when they ask if he is still around and i tell them nah they got divorced they say oh good I always hated that SOB. So everyone saw it everyone realized what was going on but the very ones in the middle of the situation.

That being said its good that people get advice and yeah there are some lines when crossed its probably best to distance yourself.

Live

Please! I do not have the power to cause someone to suicide, get a divorce, or stop drinking via advice or suggestions.
I will continue to offer suggestions that seem to be in the OP's best interest.
Most have lived a compromised and abusive life (in F&F) for far too long.

hopeful4

This...100%.
There are consequences on each side of the fence, lets not minimize what the families of an addict go through. The focus should be on the entire family and the healing of that family, together or separate. And lastly, I feel you have to cure both the addiction and the underlying issues to be successful at recovery.

ESD907

A-Faith. STICK around. I lost all my friends throughout the years. I've still got my family. BUT family is not the same. I like it here better.