FormerDoormat

I've never posted in this forum before, as I tend to call the Friends and Family of Alcoholics forum my home. But I thought you all could best answer my questions.

1) What one event or series of events led to you finally reaching your bottom?

2) My alcoholic boyfriend, Richard, who has been drinking for 40 years, just entered a two-week residential alcohol treatment facility yesterday, just six weeks after he nearly died from a combination of alcohol related pneumonia, congestive heart failure, diabetes, liver and kidney failure. What's the chance that a two-week residential program can help him reach and maintain sobriety? It just doesn't seem like enough time to me.

I'd welcome your feedback.

Music

Without going into a long story about my drinking career, I'll just say that my drinking, the things I did when I drank and the way I felt as a result of the things I did when I drank, led me to a point where I just couldn't do it any more. I was sick and tired of being sick and tired.

As far as your bf is concerned, let him do what he needs to do. Get help for yourself so that you'll be ok regardless of what happens with him. I've seen people who went into treatment for a month or longer, then to a halfway house and still needed to do more research. Hopefully, his physical problems will have an impact and he'll realize that if he doesn't stop, he'll die.

CarolD

Depression drove me into AA recovery.
At 2/3 months sober it fled...has not returned.

Richard can find his recovery.... the key is simple.
He has to want sobriety more than he wants to drink.

I pray he will. Blessings to the 2 of you.

FormerDoormat

Thanks Music. December 17th will be my one-year anniversary in Alanon and SoberRecovery. I've been working hard on my recovery, and I'm certain that I'll be OK whatever happens with Richard. I keep praying that he'll be able to reach and maintain sobriety because I love him and he deserves a life that's happy and free of the pain of alcoholism. And, of course, I deserve the same.

Carol, thank you for your continued prayers.

DesertEyes

Heya Scarlett :-)

It's different for each person. My bottom was the result of a lifetime of bad
decisions. My life and my decisions are completely different from everybody else's, so you can't apply it to Richard's life and decisions.

You're right. Sobriety is not found in one day, or one month or one year. Sobriety is the _result_ of working a program of recovery. I am sober today because of all the good decisions I have made since I started working my program of recovery. All sorts of people are sober today who _never_ went thru a recovery program. What is going to keep Richard sober is really quite simple. Richard is going to keep Richard sober.

Look at it this way. What are _you_ doing _today_ to keep yourself _sane_ in the middle of all the stress you are dealing with? Are you going to meetings of Al-Anon? Are you meeting with your sponsor every week? Do you reach out to newcomers? Do you read program literature? Do you call somebody from the program every day just to see how _they_ are doing? Now compare these actions, which keep you sane and serene, to the actions of an addict / alkie. They're really the same actions, the same program. The program works for you without a residential program becuse _you_ work the program.

Whadya think?

Mike :-)

FormerDoormat

I think you're exactly right, Mikey. And I think you're very special. I'll just keep on doing what I've been doing and hope that Richard decides to do the same. Sure would like to see the old guy return. He's very special, too.

Birddog

My hitting bottom was getting to a point where I was fixing to lose something more valuable to me than my drinking.

In my case it was my life.

Life>Booze = willingness

Peter

1) When I finally quit after nearly 20 yrs I was broke, homeless , physically sick, lonely , heartbroken and at the jumping off place.......I wanted the pain to stop and I had run out of ideas of what to do.

Alcohol had stopped working.

I had two choices: a) Either continue on to the bitter end .or b) Get help for myself.

My bottom was the final accumulation of years of dysfunction and apathy and did not just occur overnight.


2) Your boyfriend has to make his choice. Either quit for good or continue drinking. There is no middle ground for him anymore. A two week "drying out" session cannot reverse 40 years of physical and mental damage.

Short of a miracle of divine intervention your boyfriend may need some after care treatment to stay sober.

AA can help him to find support and encouragement.

He may also have to search deep to find whatever other source of inspiration he believes might help him.

Best of luck to you both.

Dan

As good a chance as he makes it out to be.
Initial in-house treatment can surely help him lay down a cornerstone in his foundation. I know it did for me.
But like Peter says, chances are slim he'll be able to build solid sobriety without aftercare of some kind or another.
It's a start, these two weeks.
And considering where he was just a short time ago, there's much happening in your lives to be grateful for.
One day at a time.

Music

Judging from the way you talk here, I believe you will be alright, and you also deserve to be if you've been working hard at your program. The kicker is that until/unless your friend starts to believe that he deserves better, and that alcohol is working against him and not for him, he won't change. None of us chose to be alcoholic. I drank alcoholicly right from the start. It just became a way of life. There were good times along with the bad times but I had to come to the realization that I needed and "wanted" a life that was better without alcohol. To do that, I had to let in people around me and just trust that when they said I would get better and my life would eventually be better, that they were telling me the truth. Problem was that these were the type of people that I had deliberatly shunned and paid no mind to until I reached the point where I just couldn't stand my postition in life any more. Things had to get better or I was doomed. Blind faith and trust in people and AA got me to where I am today. I take no credit for anything other than the determination to go to AA meetings and do what was suggested. I had to reach a point where I realized that I was spiritually broken(nothing to do with God), emotionally broken when I looked at what my family situation had become and physically sick almost daily with a hangover and a need to fight just to make it through the day. The whole idea behind going into treatment is hopefully that wall of denial will be broken through, and your boyfriend will see the problem for what it is.

FormerDoormat

Evening all. Thank you so much for your replies. You've helped me more than you'll ever know.

Shortly after Richard was released from the hospital and was staying in a nursing care facility, I reminded him of my dreams when I met him years ago when I was just twenty-two years old--that one day I hoped that he'd be an old man of 95 and I'd still be a young whipper snapper at 80. Meaning that, despite our 15-year age difference, I wanted to spend as much time with him as possible.

He kissed me and said, "nothing in life is guaranteed." As I was driving home, I realized that he's wrong. One thing in life is guaranteed. I will always love him. Nothing will change that.

Gr8ful1

1) The series of events that finally led me to truely WANT sobriety and a chance at a better life was:
- The prospect of dying, giving up all that I cared about, losing my family.
- how this came to be was that I had been sober for 3 years, fell off the wagon, went into a pit of despair and misery for 4 1/2 months, wife kicked me out of my house and would not let me see our children, had a few days where I thought I was going insane, literally felt as if I was and had 2 choices: either continue to drink to drown my misery and DIE (either sooner or later) OR choose to get sober, get help, find a spiritual solution and LIVE.

2) re the two week program: I do believe that the program will help him, IF he is ready to receive what they have to offer - a new chance at life. If he is still shut out and not ready to surrender, he's probably going to continue his ways.

Its' just your choice to make whether or not you want to continue to subject you (and hopefully no kids) to the treatment and dis-respect you've been receiving.

Take care

CAPTAINZING2000

I was lucky in the fact that, to my knowledge my health is still in tact.


What brought me to my gates of hell was, I could no longer guarantee what the outcome of my being drunk would be. The black outs were becoming common place.

I was a binge drinker. I didn't always drink on an every day basis. I could on occasion, drink a beer or two and stop. On other occasions, I'd drink until blacking out and passing out.

{Quote}

"nothing in life is guaranteed."

bullsh1t, I can guarantee if, he coninues to drink like he has, it's going to make him die a slow and miserable death.


Alcohol destroys you before it kills you. It destroys families that have to watch someone slowly drink them selves to death.

he ws just temporaily moved from the problem. What's on tap for his after care?
Does he drink alone? Go to bars, have friends come over to help enable him?


Have you ever read the big book of AA ? 70 years old now and still has a great understanding of alcoholism.

For our chronic alcoholics, we have a recovery center that lasts 6 months.

FormerDoormat

Hi Sean:

Richard isn't a mean drunk. He was never disrespectful to me or to my 20-year-old daughter. He never mistreated me or anyone. He has a kind, gentle nature.

As his disease progressed and it began to take a toll on his health, I simply couldn't stand by and watch him hurt himself. So, I joined Alanon and participated daily in SoberRecovery, and I asked him to leave last March.

That doesn't change the way I feel about him, nor my hope that he can reach and maintain sobriety. As long has he has a breath in his body, there's always hope.

I've already made my choice, as long as he's actively drinking, I will not standby and watch.

FormerDoormat

I came to the same realization after doing some intense research on alcoholism. No one in my family suffered from the disease. No one in my life, family or friends, did either until Richard came along.

I met him 23 years ago. He drank occassionally, and he didn't appear to have a problem back then. But who was I to judge? I don't drink at all. Not a drop. I don't like the way it tastes, and I don't like the fuzzy headed feeling it causes. My parents kept liquor in their home to offer to guests, but they never drank it. So those same dozen or so bottles sat there for my entire childhood.

None of my six brothers or sisters touched it, either. Alcohol was a non-issue in my life. Until Richard came along and eventually lost control roughly three years ago. I had no knowledge of the disease so I was ill prepared to deal with the consequences of his drinking.

When it began to take a toll on his health and my emotional well being, I got down to business. I read the AA big book, I attended Alanon, I joined SoberRecovery, I read everything I could get my hands on about alcoholism. I wanted to know what the future held if he continued to drink. That's when I realized his future was bleak.

I tried to detach, but it was impossible to look the other way when his health problems began to mount. So, I asked him to leave.

Richard drank by himself. He drank mainly at home, until I told him I would no longer tolerate him drinking in my home and around my daughter. So he began to drink at work, after all the other employees had gone home for the evening while he waited for me to pick him up.

The rehab facility offers a 6-month after care program where he will attend three two-hour group therapy sessions weekly plus daily AA meetings. In the meantime, he's living with some of his family members, not with me.

Richard can no longer drive because he has lost nearly all of his vision due to uncontrolled diabetes brought on by his alcoholism. In addition, he suffered a seizure on the way to the hospital, resulting in oxygen deprivation, short-term memory loss, and brain damage.

In the condition that he's in at the moment, he'd be hard-put to obtain alcohol on his own. But I've learned where there's a will, there's a way. He went through detox six weeks ago and hasn't had a drink since while he waited to get admitted into rehab.

Music

I hope he does well with his aftercare program. It'll be a good indicator or things to come. Meanwhile, you take care of yourself first as you have been and at least you'll be ok. No sense in going down with him. Please stay in touch and let us know how things are going.

Kurt

If you are driven within yourself that is the only factor necessary to maintain sobriety. It is definately a good thing to ensure some type of support to keep things on the straight & narrow path but you must start within. Glad to see you here at SR!! It is a good form of support & has worked well for me!!!! Hope it keeps you on course.

FormerDoormat

Thanks, Music. Thanks, Kurt. And thanks for reminding me to take care of myself first.

Richard called me from rehab last night. He was upbeat and said that things are going well, but due to his vision loss, he's having trouble reading and writing, making it difficult to complete his workbook, so he's behind in that task.

I suggested that perhaps he could ask someone to read the workbook to him like his roommate or his counselor, and even copy down his answers if necessary. He said he'd ask his counselor for help.

I appreciate all your feedback, and I'll certainly keep you up-to-date on his progress.