Soberpotamus

Wondering how it would work if I attended some Women's AA meetings for the solidarity and companionship/friendship aspect, and coming from a secular recovery background. I'd like some thoughts and opinions please.

Is it frowned upon for a non-stepper to show up at meetings, for support and fellowship?

My sobriety is solid. Three years in April.

I'd like to be around other women in recovery, that's mainly all I'd go for.

I've attended some Women For Sobriety meetings, but there were only three women, and it just wasn't a great experience. It seemed like a rehearsed sort of thing that didn't dig deep. I adored WFS forum online, but the actual meeting experience in real life wasn't what I'd hoped for.

Another thing: I live in the Bible Belt and I'm solidly agnostic (yes, you can be solidly agnostic, but I'd rather not get into discussing that at all, it's beside the point.) So, in my experience being from the south, I've learned to keep my mouth shut about religion, God, and spirituality. It's generally unsafe to reveal my personal philosophy. Believe me, I've tried.

I'd really like to hear from women in AA. Would you welcome someone like me to one of your female only meetings?

edit: Men are welcome to comment as well!

OldTomato

You'll be welcome at any AA meeting, it doesn't matter if you're not religious or not working through the steps, as long as you're focused on achieving/maintaining sobriety.

I've not been to my local women's meeting yet, but several people have recommended it so I'll be going next week. You should try it, if it's not for you then you don't have to go back! Let me know how you get on.

venuscat

OT said it perfectly.

Ken33xx

It all depends on the particular meeting you attend. Outside of the way AA meetings open they often vary in format, vibe and attendance. I don`t think it`s wise to share right away that you`ve not done the steps yet are confident in your sobriety. You want to feel comfortable and at ease. Say something others might not agree with and you run the risk of upsetting a few members

I recall around the ten year mark I was asked to speak at Pacific Group meeting in Southern Cal. I was a visitor and agreed to do so. Well, about half way through my speech a couple of guys stood up and walked out. My first thoughts were I must be a pretty dull speaker for members to take off. It was after the meeting I learned the reason they left: I spoke about not having a sponsor or having formally worked the 12-steps.

At which point I left upset. My feeling was if the group is so concerned about what a speaker might say perhaps they should vetted me before hand.

In any case that was a one-off experience but I`ve learned to be careful sharing anything which might ruffle anyone's feathers.

I`ll be in a new city for about the next 6 weeks and am looking forward to the meetings. However, I won`t initially share unless asked and if asked I`ll be careful. While I don`t mind discussing some of the more sensitive aspects of AA on-line when I go to a meeting I want to feel comfortable. If the vibe isn`t to my liking I just don`t return.

Good luck with the women`s meetings.

stevieg46

AA program is suggested unfortunately some meetings or members seem to forget that . AA has spanner to fit any nut (grin ) try various meetings until you find one your comfortable in , you do not need to ''state your case '' all you need say is '' I am glad to be here and sober '' that is if you want to , take care .

Stevie recovered 12 03 2006 .
if a woman hears a different drum let her march to the drum she hears .

Soberpotamus

Thanks, you guys.

Great advice and suggestions. I very much appreciate it.

Soberpotamus

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*posted to wrong thread

Aellyce

Hi SP.

I'm not a stepper either and also agnostic. I attend AA meetings whenever I feel the need, I go for the company, refreshers when I sometimes start to forget taking care of my recovery, and I also generally get good out of hearing other people's stories and sharing mine when I feel up to it. I've never been to women only meetings as that's not my personal interest but I don't see why they would be different than the co-ed meetings in terms of welcoming anyone new (or not)... but as I said I have not tried that particular format. There are plenty of meetings where I live every day so I like to try different ones, but there is also a couple where I like to go back because of the style and some specific participants. I have mostly encountered warm welcoming attitudes and of course sometimes some creeps here and there, people who seem to know better what everyone needs without knowing a thing about them, but arent't these to be found everywhere in life? Yeah I imagine probably more abundant in your part of the world than in NY where I am.

The way I do it when I go: I don't particularly say anything about my relationship with the program or spirituality and try to focus on talking about my life in sobriety... unless asked, but then I say it explicitly and as simply as possible focusing on the fact it's my beliefs and I have no interest in judging anyone's. I feel that people generally tend to respect that and don't try to force anything upon me, but again, there are exceptions. I just leave them alone, politely if possible. To be honest with you, I know as fact that I managed to irritate some people -- a bit like what Ken described above. I think it's best to stay out of arguments that are unlikely to lead anywhere and not respond to passive aggression either, these things really don't bring anything useful to anyone. I also believe that those that judge other sober people's methods and especially those that demonstrate that with arranging a "group defense" are better to look within themselves for the source of it... but that's also not my business at all.

I would say if you have an interest in attending, go ahead ahead and try, why not. I mostly get positives out of the occasional meetings. I also attend Refuge Recovery meetings sometimes, that is generally closer in style and philosophy to my own beliefs and not so focused on alcoholism per se, which for me is good at this point because I think it's most important for me now is to make sure I don't pick up yet another addictive/excessive behavior, which seems to be more "my thing" in the grander scheme (trading obsessions and addictions) rather that relapsing into the same kind after years of being clean from it. Unfortunately I don't think these exist in women only format and are generally scarce to start with.

Again, my opinion is that it's perfectly good to attend meetings regardless of anyone's spiritual beliefs (or lack thereof). I am sure you will find people who share this view even if some will not. I see it a bit like making friends in general in that we are selective in our choices and some combinations work others do not.

KimsFriend

I attend women's meetings in my area (Long Island NY) and I can say that you and your beliefs and experience would be welcome here at any of our meetings. The women's meetings here are focused on recovery and helping one another day by day. There is definitely companionship and a deeper level of sharing that goes on at these meetings than the mixed meetings I attend.

We have a few women who admit to not working the steps or taking the suggestion of a sponsor. No one tells them not to share or not to come. All are welcome as long as they have a desire to not drink.
I love the women's meetings I attend. I would not be where I am at in my recovery without them.

Soberpotamus

Thanks, Aellyce.

I guess the reason I'm choosing women's groups is because I received a lot of unwanted and annoying male attention at the Clubhouse meetings I attended. One of the guys leading some meetings made a point to take me aside and highly suggested I try out the women's only meetings and a non-smoking meeting, both at churches. He thought I'd fit in better at those. I probably should've tried those out back then. Instead, I went back to the Clubhouse to try to get used to it, and ended up leaving, disgusted.

Soberpotamus

That's good to know, KimsFriend. Thanks.

tomsteve

the only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking.

fini

i found it very difficult to be in AA meetings when i was clear on not really wanting what they had, so to speak.
this is shorthand, of course.
when i felt i couldn't really share, or felt a need to be 'careful'...it so went against my grain.
ultimately, it was foolish, imo, to expect to be really included when i wasn't there with a real interest in 'the program'.
people were polite, but i felt, once again, that i was hiding. witholding. not belonging. fighting with myself.

my experience.

and yes, you'd be welcomed at my meeting.

might be an idea to look into starting an AAAgnostica meeting, or check out how to start a LifeRing meeting. you'd be more comfortable and it would be a huge service for others in your area who have similar concerns and no secular option or non-step option.

Dave42001

Nice work on 3 years!! I think it's a wonderful idea!! Kudos to you!! This made me laugh, Sober!

I'm choosing women's groups is because I received a lot of unwanted and annoying male attention at the Clubhouse meetings I attended.

They call this 13th stepping.. If more people would focus on their recovery instead of the opposite sex recovery rates would sky rocket!!

Bunny211

I think the women would love and support you. They might try to convert you though. I attend a lot of Womens BBSS 12 step meetings and most of the women truly believe that you cannot have lasting recovery if you don't have a personal relationship with God. Just know they might want to debate/discuss/convert you.

48heath

Congratulations on your sober time.

The only requirement for AA membership,is a desire to stop drinking.

Go with an open mind and see how it goes.

Carlotta

I attended women's meetings (mind you I have lived in big liberal Cities not in the South) and I found them to be cozier, less judgmental and more nurturing.

I also noticed that the shares are more genuine and they use considerably less cliches and less self put downs (probably because women alcoholics already got put down enough and don't need their egos deflated).

They also are a much safer place than a club house environment.

I am not sure about the religious aspect since you live in the South. There might be quite a few born again ladies there.
I think that you will be welcomed.

It is definitely worth a try especially since you are already 3 years sober.
If it does not click with you it's not like you will get upset and head for the nearest bottle of wine like a newcomer might do.

Check one out and let us know how it goes.

Soberpotamus

Thanks for the responses, guys.

I will spend some time and reply to them a little later.

Soberpotamus

I took the first step toward this. My name is listed as a contact on the AAAgnostica site as someone interested in starting a new meeting here in this city. Unfortunately, mine is the only name listed, and that means I have to wait until a second person shows up. They want two of us to do it together.

I did take that step, and I've mentioned all this before in the past. I wanted to start a secular meeting and did all I could by making phone calls. There was no one else interested. And a guy at one of the AA offices had some crap to say about it, so that was actually discouraging. Plus, I was still in my first year of sobriety and felt I wasn't qualified to start a meeting at that point in time. I needed some solid footing first.

Soberpotamus

This is great info, thanks Carlotta.