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08-10-2004, 07:38 PM
| #51 (permalink) |
| Member Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: oklahoma city, ok
Posts: 14
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I'm new to all of this, forums I mean. Both of my parents were alcoholics, I say were because both are deceased one due to alcohol and the other to cancer. They may be gone, but the disease has taken its toll on us kids. I remember many times when I was a child watching dad try and squeeze the life out of mom, and calling the police only to find out mom would not press charges on him (times have changed). He was never taken away even when he hurt one of us kids. Am I bitter? Oh Yeah! When he died mom continued to drink even more so, and then she remarried an A also, and the process began all over again, you know the drill. Am I bitter? Oh Yeah! Then when she died I thought the process was over and done with, but was it? Oh NO1 There's no drinking, but the behaviors are there that we grew up with. The 13 characteristics are all my story, and they don't look too good when I read them. It took quite a while to master them, and I know it will take time to learn new ways to function. I was glad to find this forum, so I can talk with individuals who understand. Spouse thinks I should just get over my childhood, but he has no idea, does he? thanks for letting me go on and on. |
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08-12-2004, 09:36 AM
| #52 (permalink) |
| Fenway Faithful  Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: Tartfest 2006
Posts: 876
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I was drawn to this forum and this thread because of the title. I usually post in Nar-Anon because my husband is a recovering addict. I first read this thread a few days ago, and it’s taken me this long to get my head around it. The first characteristic was all it took for me to read on. To my shock and horror I’m 10 for 13. I had to ask myself why. I always thought that I had escaped any ill effects of my stepfather’s drinking. My five step siblings weren’t so lucky as all of them are addicts, alcoholics, or both but I never fell into to it so I thought I had escaped at. Apparently I was very wrong. I don’t have many memories of my childhood. I don’t think it was a “bad� one but it certainly wasn’t great either. I remember that I could tell by how he closed the door how many high balls he would have that night after work. I don’t remember him being violent, or nasty. I remember a few drunken hugs with him telling me how he loved me as if I were his own. There were a few scary rides home from Christmas parties. Once I had to wake him up while were driving down the highway. The same night he hit the curb at the end of our street and blew out both front tires and we left the car where it was and walked the rest of the way. It was like an adventure to me because he laughed about it. The time he drove our truck into the huge pine tree next to our driveway and had to climb out the back window became a family story that I’m sure is still retold to this day. I thought it was normal for someone to drink a case of beer on a Saturday afternoon while cutting wood. I thought everybody had fancy refrigerators by the pool to keep their beer in. I thought everybody got picked on because of their nose, or skinny legs, or whatever. Funny thing is that as a family we never considered him an alcoholic. He just drank a lot, we’re Irish and that’s how it is. To my knowledge my mom never discussed his drinking with him. She would make a snide remark now and then, but other than to say not to talk to him about something because he was drunk, she never mentioned it. I think back and I get so mad at her. How could she have let me get into a car with him? She knew he was drunk. And now, I look at these characteristics and I see so much of it in myself and I’m floored. Call me clueless, but I honestly never thought his drinking had any effect on me what so ever. I worshiped that man until the day he died; he was the only true father I ever had. He’s been gone 8 years and I still have a hard time believing he is dead. And now to see that some of the things I have struggled with all of my life are related to his drinking…. Well you can see why it took a few days for me to get my head around this. Alli
__________________ Serenity isn't freedom from the storm, but peace within the storm. - Unknown It's the happy moments along the way, that in the end...make it o.k. - John Ondrasik |
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08-12-2004, 10:41 AM
| #53 (permalink) |
| Member Join Date: Jan 2003
Posts: 4,959
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Isn't it strange the things we thought were "normal" growing up? It takes getting beyond the boundaries of a dysfunctional family to see just how dysfunctional it is. Being aware of those characteristics is a good thing. Knowing where you came from is a part of getting to where you need to go.
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12-02-2004, 08:35 AM
| #54 (permalink) |
| Member  Join Date: Nov 2004 Location: Noah's Ark
Posts: 106
| Hey that sounds a little too much like me??
I can not believe how much that sounds like me only a couple are left out that don't apply. I have been a alcoholic most of my life though or at least most of my adult life. I guess maybe I have been trying to hide from myself most of the time and I got tired of running so here I am. Tired of myself, tired of running, tired of being me. I want change.
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12-07-2004, 01:49 PM
| #56 (permalink) |
| Beyond the Ninth Wave  Join Date: Nov 2004 Location: Boston, MA
Posts: 107
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__________________ Contemplate yourself as surrounded by the conditions you wish to produce. Wayne Dyer "What fresh hell is this?" Dorothy Parker  Last edited by Neasa; 12-08-2004 at 01:31 AM. |
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12-09-2004, 09:47 AM
| #57 (permalink) |
| Member Join Date: Dec 2004 Location: New Jersey
Posts: 4
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thank you for posting this- I am not yet an adult, but i can see all of this in me. I have already been in juvenial detention (at 10 yrs old) because of rash and impulsive decisions, I am already in recovery because of addictions (entered recovery at 13). It was tough as a kid, but i have turned myself around. I am 17 and doing well in school, my mother has been sober for 5 years and i for 4. We are doing well, and i plan to attend college in the fall. I know that the memories of my childhood will stay with me forever, i just hope to be able to control my behavior, so that as an adult child of an alcholoic and addict myself i will be able to control my actions and my life. |
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12-13-2004, 07:08 PM
| #58 (permalink) |
| Member Join Date: Sep 2004 Location: In my own world...
Posts: 438
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Reading the characteristics of A Children was really interesting. The interesting part is that my dad is an A but I don't fit many of the characteristics. The thing is that my mother does. My grandfather was a very bad/abusive A. I know what happened to me, my mother protected my brother and I with everything she had from my dad's drinking. We knew he drank a few beers everyday but that was all we knew. I have to admit I don't think it entirely worked. My fiance is an A and guess what, he could have been cut off the same block as my dad. They have such similar qualities personality wise that it's unbelieveable. My mom said once that "They feed off each other" and it's sick but true. So I became a codie like my mom....with a fiance exactly like my dad.
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12-13-2004, 07:10 PM
| #59 (permalink) | |
| Member Join Date: Sep 2004 Location: In my own world...
Posts: 438
| Quote:
By the way, you can control your behavior if you want to bad enough. It may not always be easy but everybody has control of how they want to live their lives.  | |
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04-21-2005, 03:49 PM
| #61 (permalink) |
| I've Taken My Life Back!!  Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: Montana
Posts: 106
|  TO add more..........
I haven't been here in awhile, and reading all these posts, well, it is hard to read. My father is still an alcoholic. Lives in Az. My mother is remarried, very bitter and angry. Growing up? Well, They divorced when I was 8. But I was the one who had all the anger taken out on. I was beaten so badly at times. I have refused to think about it for years, then one day, talking to an old freind back from high school, he told me a story where he remembers me never wanting to go home. How one day, I left my sweater at their house, he came to return it, obvioulsy I was a few minutes late getting in, and was again beaten for it. The embarassing part of the story came, when my dear friend told me he arrived to give me back my sweater and heard EVERYTHING. He never had told me then, but told me now. I just cryed. It brought back such a flash of memories in such a FLASH. He told me, that he would take that to the grave. Thats a good friend. I look over that list and I think, wow. Maybe this is why I dont want to get close to anyone. Maybe this is why I have a hard time loving, trusting, giving, my heart. I would help anyone. BUT.... My life is private. I like being alone. It is SAFE!! NOONE can harm, beat, verbally, physically abuse me. To the other person who asked about the one guy being alone, and if that is part of it? OH YA! Definately. I accept my mom as my mom and my dad as my dad, this is true. Recently my dad had to have major surgery and he calls me up, ( he NEVER calls me, sends birthday cards, Christmas cards NOTHING) and says to me on the phone about his surgery. ( I've had 13 in my lifetime) I just told him everything would be ok. That I knew all about surgery and what its like. I think what hurt? Is he said to me, "When did YOU have surgery?" Is there anger there? Yes some. ok maybe more then some. I have 20 years of my emotions of poetry on a website. I read through it and think yes, this list is most definately me. Ive lost a lot of friends in my life, recently lost my best friend in March, then just last weekend, my other friend, "Linda". She died of Scirosis(sp) and Liver Cancer. Years of drinking, and knowing she was going to die. She died sober. Her b/f and I helped to pack up her apartment. I found this among her things and it just brought me to a "still" with tears, realizing the date on the clipping from 1999. So, I will share this with you all, and thank you for letting me go on. This was in an Ann Landers Column, among her personal items. this is entitled: "Positively Negative" We drank for joy and became miserable.... We drank for sociability and became argumentative..... We drank for friendship and became enemies....... We drank to help us sleep and awakened exhausted...... We drank to gain strength, and it made us weaker. We drank for exhilaration and ended up depressed...... We drank for "medical reasons" and aquired health problems. We drank to calm us down and ended up with the shakes..... We drank to get more confidence and became afraid. We drank to make conversation flow more easily, and the words came out slured and incoherent.... We drank to diminish problems and saw them mulitply..... We drank to feel heavenly and ended up feeling like hell. ---Author Unknown--- I really don't know my thoughts on this as I cannot really seem to put them in words. Why she kept this tucked away? I guess I will never know. Did it work to keep her sober at the end? I really pray it did. I do Hope it helps somone else maybe "get it". Thanks Brothers and sisters for letting me share 
__________________ Eveie "Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take but by the moments that take our breath away."  |
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04-21-2005, 11:29 PM
| #62 (permalink) |
| and that is all that matters.. Join Date: Nov 2004 Location: Minnesota
Posts: 73
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Trio and MG, I agree 100% with what you both said about "second generation" alcoholics. My mother didn't drink at all, but was the meanest #@&%$#@ that you would have ever wanted to meet! The severe abuse she endured formed our family dynamics. It took me until age 40 to discover what an Adult Child was. Now that my girls are 13 and 14, I know that they will need to do work to recover from what I "passed" down to them. But I can't change the past, rather all I can do is model honesty and the desire to live healthly and recover from my hurts. Like my therapist says...."that's as good as it gets".
__________________ Steven ACoAs have always been "okay"... we just never knew it. |
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04-22-2005, 05:40 PM
| #63 (permalink) |
| Member Join Date: Apr 2005 Location: Greenville Kentucky
Posts: 44
| My two cents worth.....
My first question would be; Who wrote this? My second; When? My third; Why? I'm thirty six years young, the adult child of a alcoholic. I could debate these thirteen characteristics till the cows come home. I honestly cannot relate to one single characteristic and that's no lie. My motto: Anyone can tell the truth, not everyone can handle hearing it. There comes a "fork" in the life of every adult children of alcoholics.... To choose to break the cycle or to choose to allow the past to affect the current and future. You know what they say in AA? If you have one foot in yesterday and one foot in tomorrow, you're pissing on today. Oh, I have my fair share of horror stories. I can listen and give advice. I can extend to others my support. However, I personally refuse to live my life under a "catagory" due to my parent's disease. I strongly practice what I preach and expect no less from those around me. I don't encourage living a life of candy coated b.s. Give it to me straight or dont waste your or my time. Life always gives you the opportunity to experience it's laughter, fun and love. You can build relationships with other people, good, solid relationships. It must begin with you....they won't come knocking on your door. With that, I hope to build many strong ties with my fellow brothers and sisters within this community. Kat |
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04-28-2005, 06:40 AM
| #64 (permalink) |
| angel with a broken wing  Join Date: Sep 2004 Location: uk
Posts: 10
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wow!! i can really see myself in soem if not all of those points. Im 18, my mother hasbeen an alcoholic ever since i was born, and my dad, well he is as well but he never admits to it.. neither of them do angels n dx
__________________ angels dont die they just lose their wings    |
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05-26-2005, 03:09 PM
| #65 (permalink) |
| Member  Join Date: Mar 2005 Location: The sunny southwest
Posts: 97
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I saw myself in nearly every one of the 13 characteristics. Like another poster commented, I thought "who the heck has been following me around all my life ?" LOL I've also struggled with severe depression/PTSD nearly all my life. Both of my parents are alcoholics, and my mother is a prescription drug addict, and she was extremely abusive. She continues to be abusive to anyone within reach of just a phone call, but I've chosen to separate myself from her and her insanity (for lack of a better word). Even though it was the best thing for me, it was also the hardest, but a choice I don't regret to this day. I could go on and on, listing trauma after trauma, but there's no point to that right now. I went to Alateen for a couple of years as a teenager, was in therapy/on antidepressants for a few years. I'm doing pretty well now...though I did somehow manage to marry a binge drinker (imagine my surprise at THAT one !) Despite that fact, my marriage is reasonably happy and calm, and we have a beautiful, happy, 19 month old son. I do definitely still have issues though, and it's nice to come back to ACOA/Al-Anon....seems I need a little adjustment in my thought processes......
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06-05-2005, 05:05 PM
| #66 (permalink) |
| Member Join Date: Jun 2005 Location: East Earl, Pa
Posts: 2
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I can relate to all too. My dad was an alcoholic and my mom was very abusive . I was burnt with matches, canes across the backs of my fingers and been told I should have never been born, a long with sexual abuse.. For years I blamed both my parents. Then I got sober and stopped blaming them. My dad could not help being an alcoholic. My Mom disiplined me the way she was as a child. I forgave my parents and thought the buck stops here. I tried AA meetings but never felt comfortable in them. I made a couple ACA meetings and felt right at home. Unfortunately my sponsor would not let me do ACA meetings so that was an end to that. I white knucled sobriety for 17 years and finally went back out. At first it felt good but after about 5 months it makes me sick. Tomorrow I am going to see if I can sign myself into the behavoral ward in the hospital and get some help. I do not mean in any way to put AA down. But I feel that sometimes problems are a little deeper. If not for the program I could not have done 17 years. I just wish ACA was as big as AA. Thanks and sorry if I rambled but I really needed to do something now. Dave
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06-05-2005, 05:38 PM
| #67 (permalink) |
| Yeah Yeah it's me again  Join Date: Jun 2005 Location: EAFB AK
Posts: 9
| Its Crazy
Its crazy because I read those and I think I can relate to at least 8 of them. I just thought I was lazy or not interested or being a good friend. HMMM I think is one of those times I sit back and just shake my head and ask myself how I got this far. Knowing is half the battle they say, and knowing what it is that I have makes the battle seem a little easier to beat. Im sure it isnt an over the night processe, its ok if it takes a while, I got a while to give it!
__________________ If tears could build a stairway, and memories a lane, I'd walk right up to heaven and bring you home again. Carrie Anne |
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06-14-2005, 12:31 PM
| #68 (permalink) |
| Member  Join Date: Oct 2004 Location: nowheresville
Posts: 873
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I came away from my family this weekend with chest pains and knots in my stomach. Just craziness went on and I see my brothers who don't have any form of recovery suffering and my step-mother still being the good enabler. I was talking about ACOA yesterday with my Ala-non sponsor and decided to drop over here. This seems to be the place I should add to my list of 12 step programs. Ngaire |
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07-10-2005, 04:05 AM
| #69 (permalink) |
| Member  Join Date: Jul 2005 Location: Indianapolis, IN
Posts: 15
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I origionally came here to this site because I have a husband who is an alcholic and I finally am trying to seek some kind of something, I'm not sure of yet. However after reading the op I realized there is more to my issues than just my husband. I can relate to all13 of those chaacteristics of adult children!!! Just when I thought the 3,000 miles I put between me and my family was solving a lot of my problems and couldn't possibly contribute to what is going on in my life now. I have only been here off and on for the past about 2 hours and have learned alot! |
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07-15-2005, 09:25 AM
| #70 (permalink) |
| Member Join Date: Apr 2005 Location: Greenville Kentucky
Posts: 44
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((((((((((((( Morning Glory ))))))))))))))) Thanks for the "light". My mom is currently still drinking, she has been drinking since she was 13 and she is in her late 50's. Your post gives me hope that one day my mother can also get to the place where you and your daughter and grandchildren are. Kat-
__________________ Anyone can tell the truth, not everyone can handle hearing it. Kat-2003 |
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08-05-2005, 12:40 PM
| #71 (permalink) | ||
| Sad Spouse Join Date: Jul 2005 Location: jacksonville florida
Posts: 7
| Quote:
Quote:
I pray for everyone attempting the same.....shaking loose from the hold of these 13 demons! NJB 
__________________ Proverbs 25:28 - He that hath no rule over his own spirit is like a city that is broken down, and without walls.  | ||
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08-06-2005, 08:08 PM
| #72 (permalink) |
| Member  Join Date: Aug 2005 Location: Across the Universe
Posts: 1
| 13 Characteristics of Adult Children <HR style="COLOR: #d1d1e1" SIZE=1><!-- / icon and title --><!-- message -->1. Adult children of alcoholics guess at what normal behavior is. Because I never had a "normal" life to begin with. 2. Adult children of alcoholics have difficulty following a project through from beginning to end. Because we do not know how to and usually give up easily. 3. Adult children of alcoholics lie when it would be just as easy to tell the truth. Because I am afraid of some truth. 4. Adult children of alcoholics judge themselves without mercy. Why would we have mercy on ourselves when our lives showed us none in the first place. 5. Adult children of alcoholics have difficulty having fun. I am scared of the after results of "having fun" and always have been. I need to be pushed. 6. Adult children of alcoholics take themselves very seriously. Why would I not when everything else in life had let me down. 7. Adult children of alcoholics have difficulty with intimate relationships. This I still do not fully understand and yet earn for with all my heart and soul. 8. Adult children of alcoholics overreact to changes over which they have no control. Oh Yeah. I always need that "control" even when it meant that I was going to hurt my own feelings and the ones of others close to me. 9. Adult children of alcoholics constantly seek approval and affirmation. Because I never think I am good enough. 10. Adult children of alcoholics usually feel that they are different from other people. I feel this way because I know no different. 11. Adult children of alcoholics are super responsible or super irresponsible. True for both. I am both. 12. Adult children of alcoholics are extremely loyal, even in the face of evidence that the loyalty is undeserved. Because I need that sense of being alive even if it is not good for me. 13. Adult children of alcoholics are impulsive. They tend to lock themselves into a course of action without giving serious consideration to alternative behaviors or possible consequences. This impulsively leads to confusion, self-loathing and loss of control over their environment. In addition, they spend an excessive amount of energy cleaning up the mess. This is where my ticking time bomb anger comes into play. I sit back and watch the ride go on as if I am locked up and can not escape from the movie of my life playing out in front of me again. I have talked my life away since I was 13. It did only very minimal good for me. I am still the same person, but know right and wrong. I fight a new battle of ACoA every day. Something different is always going to rear its head and I have to learn all over again. But that is what my life has been about, learning. I never stop learning more and more even though my dad has been gone for 7 years now. I still do stupid, irresponsible things to people I love and care for. I know where I stand and what I need to do. I have an understanding person in my life that is coming to the tired of understanding stage because of my slips. I have been to 1 meeting and did not find it as informative as I would have liked. I am too far along for the first steps anymore. That I have done already. I need to help and reach out now. I need to share and have people in my life that are understanding and can reach out too with the helping hand of compassion. I am a surviving ACoA who has made it this far at the age of 30 all alone. I need to know that there are others out there like me. Please email me if you would like to talk and I will be here from time to time. Sincerely, SomewhereinTime  |
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08-25-2005, 02:26 PM
| #74 (permalink) |
| Member Join Date: Aug 2005 Location: Moorestown, New Jersey
Posts: 2
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JT, I am not quite an adult yet, but I believe that more than 3/4 of the 13 statements describe. I am sixteen years old, so I guess it applies to teenage children of alcoholics too. Thank you for helping me realize those things about myself early on |
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