13 Characteristics of Adult Children - Page 2 - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

mzdebb · 09-04-2003, 08:00 AM

I am new, but I couldn't help responding to your post. I know exactly how you feel about this situation. Focus on you and your emotional health. Care little about others opinions.
I always say this to myself when things like this arise.
"Your opinion is none of my bussiness." I'm with you in this, and thanks for sharing.

itsmevern · 09-15-2003, 09:32 PM

normal is a cycle on the washing machine...that's my motto.

09-17-2003, 12:15 PM

Good one, itsmevern!

californiacarla · 09-30-2003, 08:45 PM

13 characteristics...

geeze I fit them all. Dad was mean to me, he favored my older sister. Everyone in my small town thought the world of him, jolly good fellow, give you the shirt off his back, he was a wood crafter and make toys and furniture for everyone.. but me. Told me to he wished I hadn't been born when I was 14. Continued to tell me what a burden I was having visitation 2 weekends a month.

Seems he disliked me. Worked too long in my life (first 20 years) trying to please that man. Even tho I knew he was horrible as a husband to my mom and father to me. He actually came to me 2 years after he left my mom for another woman (whom he married, he told me cause she had 5 boys and didn't want any girls) He told me during one of his visitations (i was 15) that he was seeing another woman and wanted my advice!!

Jack@ss.. Anyway, I wrote him off at 20. He died when I was 26, I'd always figured it'd be the drink not the smoke but it was lung cancer. It still just hurt. Knowing he'd never be who I needed him to be. Is that the loyality thing. Crap, it pissed me off when at his funeral how everyone described him as such a wonderful father. He had 14 bro's and sis's and not one knew who I was.

Yeah, I have problems with intimacy, truth, follow thru, and I'll be damn'ed as much as I said I would never allow in my home or drink the drink of his choice, somehow I end up with a live in B/F with a keg fridge of that very brand.

Went to counseling for all this stuff, she told me the questions to be answered before I commited to a serious relationship.. I didn't. crap.

Carla

Cipher17 · 10-15-2003, 02:00 PM

Well I read the list of 13 and burst into tears before I finished it. I hope what you say is true, that recovery snowballs just like dysfunction.

I've got 28 years of rotten memories to fix and I'm so scared to start. My behavior is beginning to affect my marriage and I can;t let stupid stuff from the past ruin the present I've made, so I have to grow and change...

both parents are A's who never sought treatment. Once they discovered that my dad had hemochromotosis in his liver, they chalked up the cirrhosis to that. One time he tried to stop and they gave him some drug for the DT's that made his super sleepy so mom (who's a nurse) told him to stop taking them and he started drinking again.

I've also got issues regarding the fact that he abused me as a kid, and when i screwed up the courage to tell mom, she thought I was lying. But since it always happened when he'd been drinking, I thought that working out the dynamics of living in an alcoholic family was a good place to start.

Thanks for the forum. I think it will help. I'm too shy to go to a meeting right now.

JT · 10-15-2003, 06:59 PM

Welcome Cipher,

When I began recovery it got worse before it got better. But...it got better!

Make yourself at home. We are here,
JT

10-22-2003, 04:18 AM

I can relate to each and every one of these,at least on some level.What an eye opener!...I've copied this and saved it to my favourites...I want to be able to look back on it to remind myself that I am not crazy and that others have these feelings too.

JT · 10-22-2003, 05:37 AM

That's a large part of the battle...knowing you aren't alone..

Hugs,
JT

morgy · 10-23-2003, 10:44 PM

that describes me perfectly. My father is and always has been an alcoholic, and i believe that I am too.

I don't conciously FEEL the affect that this has had on me... i hope to come to some understanding of all this.

Cfrith · 11-04-2003, 08:21 PM

That list made me cry. I fit all 13 of them. Funny in a sick sort of way.

KcCrystal · 07-21-2004, 07:12 PM

All 13 fit me, but espically, 3, 9 & 13. :smileeek: Kinda shocking that this could be the root to all my problems. My dad drank, and he probally still does. I never knew what a real life was all about, so to seek friends, I lied. Still battleing that. And I have so much trouble cleaning up my messes afterwards. Maybe one day I'll figure it out.

Lovebird · 07-22-2004, 01:41 PM

Could one of the signs be a need to be alone - to be unable to live with someone or get married because it is easier, more comfortable and more familiar to be alone. My ex bf said he was tired of people needing him. His 25 year old son still lives with him, but is graduating and hopefully will move out soon. He sees this as the ultimate opportunity to have his solitude. He loves me but it had been a struggle over the past 15 months, as he always seemed to need a lot of alone time, and I am a pretty independent person. He assumes he won't be able to handle the living with anyone and I would end up hating him. I have not contacted him for a while. Should I leave him alone?

needtogrowup · 07-22-2004, 10:03 PM

This is the best threat ever!!!! 95 % of my family going back to my grandparents, my parents, my generation, and my childres are all addicts/alco. and that has been so profound to me. I am almost 58 now...and in my 22 day of soberity of pot..and we marry into it as well as come from it and have children who became it (addicts/alch)...
MG'S QUOTE OF RECOVERY HAS A SNOWBALL EFFECT JUST AS DISFUNCTION DOES,

needtogrowup · 07-22-2004, 10:05 PM

OPPS,....is the message of hope I have been being wanting to hear all my life. randa

Birddog · 07-22-2004, 11:02 PM

This sure hit home with me, I'm shocked

lavendae · 07-23-2004, 03:56 PM

Wow, kc,thanks for mentioning that you lied in order to get friends. I didn't know what a real life was like either, and I lied & pretended I had one. Furthermore, I started to believe some of those lies growing up. I denied and denied alot of the things that happened. Didnt deny my dad's drinking, just what became b/c of it ... no steady job, no steady place to live, his health problems, the family mess.... and I still try to make excuses, I'm still embaressed.

KcCrystal · 07-23-2004, 05:30 PM

I'm embrassed to this day. I still battle the lies I make to make myself feel good. I need to learn that I need to reveal the real me before I ruin everything. I don't like loseing friends, when in the long run I just wanted to make them.

needtogrowup · 07-23-2004, 08:46 PM

How do I learn to cope with life on life's terms? I am a pothead, co-dependent, and adutl child of an alcoholic. Seems they all overlap. Add alittle incest.., verbal abruse and of course..thats why I am needtogrowup. Was not shown a way of life where you took responsibilties for your choices...It keep years of being beaten up by my choices...to finally come to believe that I actually really did have choices..I could realize it on an intelectual level but never on a gut level. Major fear and shame and depression were my comfort zone. thanks to this site...I faced the fear of stopping pot..to realize..I was powerless over my obsession to use weed to deal w/(or not deal w/) feelings. Everytime I quit for a few days the overwhelming saddness of the addictions of my family..(grandparents now deceased, parents deceased, sisters, nieces, aunts, children..) just awful..I'd feel such grief.. Guess what, now with 22 days off pot...I actually am proud of me...and like myself..have hope..love ya guys. randa
/

Vee · 07-24-2004, 01:42 PM

I am equally stunned by those thirteen points and can identify with all of them. I am thirty two and had an alcoholic father whom i adored who died 5 years ago drunk to the end. I really thought (rather smugly) that I had dealt with his disease and his death well and had recently decided to retrain as a councellor to help the families of addicts. I now realise that I might just have a few issues to deal with about myself first before i am able to help others. I am thankfull that I found this forum before rushing headlong into this new career path.....isnt that remanicent of point number 13!!! Thank you for the insight and the answer to more than a few questions i had'nt even asked yet! Vee xxx

Gabe · 07-25-2004, 05:15 AM

Hey Vee,
Welcome to Sober Recovery. I'm glad you found us. Stick around.
Gabe

needtogrowup · 08-04-2004, 12:36 AM

I just wanted to say hi everyone...when to the dentis..taking care of myself. Need to have friends in recovery...so I e-mailed 2 women from a recovery phone list who had their e-mail numbers as well..Hope I don't bore anyone..its late and I so need to stay focused. I am in pain and confusion. I am tired and sad. My daughter uses..and my grandaughter. both make me feel in the way. I am homeless right now and staying w/them...and I am in there way..I am trying to look for a job when I feel well enough. I am afraid of rehab programs. Tried one for 10 days a few years ago..but left as I could not focus at the time on myself:too "in love" w an alkie bf..addicted to him. But now I know that I need to be serious about myself and my issues if I am EVER to learn to live a happy life. It is scary..and uncomfortable..but I've read that growth is suppose to be uncomfortable..and scary. I have a resolve I have never had before...every seed of past experiences around recovery and cog thpy's regard depression..has not been wasted..Guess it is a time in my life when recovery is more serious and relative than ever before. Like I have hit my bottem..I am sick and tired of being sick and tired and depressed and in my deseases..pot addiction..co-depentency...co-addict. I am going to learn to take care of myself if it kills me!!! I would rather die than to keep on doing what I have always done!!! God..people out there in recovery...hear my cry's...help me...It is so important that I stay away from drugs..first of all..NO smoking pot...and the rest will follow..I need friends in recovery to this...thank you for being there....I need you all...love randa

dragonlady · 08-07-2004, 04:41 PM

I'm an addict, child of an alcoholic/addict and spouse to an addict. I can't believe how much that discribes me! I've been in and out of NA and AA for years and I've never seen myself described so well. I was also sexually abused by 3 different people and I have been ANGRY :cussing: for years! And now that I'm trying to quit again I have to deal with my AH trying to keep me down. He doesn't believe he has a prob. He thinks we can still smoke pot and leave the hard stuff alone. I think he's f****** crazy! But I'm scared of taking the boys and leaving because I don't know how to live on my own! I've never had to do it before. Thanx for these forums and the good people who visit here.

Star Gazer · 08-07-2004, 04:51 PM

They all fit me but the one regarding finishing projects. I can finish projects but I always seem to keep expanding them. I can take something as simple as painting the kitchen and turning it into a complete renovation! I reach my original goal but I keep adding new ones.

eveie · 08-08-2004, 10:12 PM

oh great! another reason I am here on this forum, is there a place to just check all of the above?

well ok, Im dealing with it all, one day at a time, one step at a time, and just thankful im clean and sober, but back away from my cigarettes

that all just makes soooooo much sense. I grew up with the "chip on my shoulder" the hatefulness towards my parents went alonggggggg ways, too much time spent on that, I just learned to accept that that is my mom, that is my dad, cant change them 2 facts, but it hurts, now explains alot of behaviors, thanks for that post, another TADA moment!!

chess · 08-09-2004, 12:17 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by KcCrystal

I'm embrassed to this day. I still battle the lies I make to make myself feel good. I need to learn that I need to reveal the real me before I ruin everything. I don't like loseing friends, when in the long run I just wanted to make them.

Can u eloborate on what kind of lies are you talking about? I've been thinking about this and I think I lie too. I don't actually tell intenionally coloured stories but I leave out stuff and the thing I do most is answer that I'm okey even if my intension was to bring up a topic I wanted to talk about I still say "It was nothing" or " I'm okey" a lot. Does that count as lying?

I still feel so weird sharing things about me and talking about me. Does this get better in time?

09-04-2003, 08:00 AM	#26 (permalink)
mzdebb Paused Join Date: Aug 2003 Location: N.Cal. Posts: 1	My sister! I am new, but I couldn't help responding to your post. I know exactly how you feel about this situation. Focus on you and your emotional health. Care little about others opinions. I always say this to myself when things like this arise. "Your opinion is none of my bussiness." I'm with you in this, and thanks for sharing.

10-15-2003, 06:59 PM	#31 (permalink)
JT Supply Manager Join Date: Feb 2002 Location: Cleaverville Posts: 2,903	Welcome Cipher, When I began recovery it got worse before it got better. But...it got better! Make yourself at home. We are here, JT __________________ The state of your life is nothing more than a reflection of your state of mind~Wayne Dyer

10-22-2003, 05:37 AM	#33 (permalink)
JT Supply Manager Join Date: Feb 2002 Location: Cleaverville Posts: 2,903	That's a large part of the battle...knowing you aren't alone.. Hugs, JT __________________ The state of your life is nothing more than a reflection of your state of mind~Wayne Dyer

07-22-2004, 01:41 PM	#37 (permalink)
Lovebird Paused Join Date: Jul 2004 Location: Denver, CO Posts: 16	Another sign? Could one of the signs be a need to be alone - to be unable to live with someone or get married because it is easier, more comfortable and more familiar to be alone. My ex bf said he was tired of people needing him. His 25 year old son still lives with him, but is graduating and hopefully will move out soon. He sees this as the ultimate opportunity to have his solitude. He loves me but it had been a struggle over the past 15 months, as he always seemed to need a lot of alone time, and I am a pretty independent person. He assumes he won't be able to handle the living with anyone and I would end up hating him. I have not contacted him for a while. Should I leave him alone?

07-22-2004, 10:03 PM	#38 (permalink)
needtogrowup Member Join Date: Jun 2004 Location: Southern California Posts: 129	This is the best threat ever!!!! 95 % of my family going back to my grandparents, my parents, my generation, and my childres are all addicts/alco. and that has been so profound to me. I am almost 58 now...and in my 22 day of soberity of pot..and we marry into it as well as come from it and have children who became it (addicts/alch)... MG'S QUOTE OF RECOVERY HAS A SNOWBALL EFFECT JUST AS DISFUNCTION DOES, __________________ :rose Needtogrowup

09-15-2003, 09:32 PM	#27 (permalink)
itsmevern Paused Join Date: Sep 2003 Location: texas Posts: 1	normal is a cycle on the washing machine...that's my motto.

09-17-2003, 12:15 PM	#28 (permalink)
mamasmitty Guest Posts: n/a	Good one, itsmevern!

09-30-2003, 08:45 PM	#29 (permalink)
californiacarla Paused Join Date: Sep 2003 Location: Arizona Posts: 104	13 characteristics... geeze I fit them all. Dad was mean to me, he favored my older sister. Everyone in my small town thought the world of him, jolly good fellow, give you the shirt off his back, he was a wood crafter and make toys and furniture for everyone.. but me. Told me to he wished I hadn't been born when I was 14. Continued to tell me what a burden I was having visitation 2 weekends a month. Seems he disliked me. Worked too long in my life (first 20 years) trying to please that man. Even tho I knew he was horrible as a husband to my mom and father to me. He actually came to me 2 years after he left my mom for another woman (whom he married, he told me cause she had 5 boys and didn't want any girls) He told me during one of his visitations (i was 15) that he was seeing another woman and wanted my advice!! Jack@ss.. Anyway, I wrote him off at 20. He died when I was 26, I'd always figured it'd be the drink not the smoke but it was lung cancer. It still just hurt. Knowing he'd never be who I needed him to be. Is that the loyality thing. Crap, it pissed me off when at his funeral how everyone described him as such a wonderful father. He had 14 bro's and sis's and not one knew who I was. Yeah, I have problems with intimacy, truth, follow thru, and I'll be damn'ed as much as I said I would never allow in my home or drink the drink of his choice, somehow I end up with a live in B/F with a keg fridge of that very brand. Went to counseling for all this stuff, she told me the questions to be answered before I commited to a serious relationship.. I didn't. crap. Carla

10-15-2003, 02:00 PM	#30 (permalink)
Cipher17 Paused Join Date: Oct 2003 Location: Southern NH Posts: 3	Well I read the list of 13 and burst into tears before I finished it. I hope what you say is true, that recovery snowballs just like dysfunction. I've got 28 years of rotten memories to fix and I'm so scared to start. My behavior is beginning to affect my marriage and I can;t let stupid stuff from the past ruin the present I've made, so I have to grow and change... both parents are A's who never sought treatment. Once they discovered that my dad had hemochromotosis in his liver, they chalked up the cirrhosis to that. One time he tried to stop and they gave him some drug for the DT's that made his super sleepy so mom (who's a nurse) told him to stop taking them and he started drinking again. I've also got issues regarding the fact that he abused me as a kid, and when i screwed up the courage to tell mom, she thought I was lying. But since it always happened when he'd been drinking, I thought that working out the dynamics of living in an alcoholic family was a good place to start. Thanks for the forum. I think it will help. I'm too shy to go to a meeting right now.

10-22-2003, 04:18 AM	#32 (permalink)
Vampgirl Guest Posts: n/a	I can relate to each and every one of these,at least on some level.What an eye opener!...I've copied this and saved it to my favourites...I want to be able to look back on it to remind myself that I am not crazy and that others have these feelings too.

10-23-2003, 10:44 PM	#34 (permalink)
morgy Paused Join Date: Oct 2003 Location: minneapolis Posts: 3	that describes me perfectly. My father is and always has been an alcoholic, and i believe that I am too. I don't conciously FEEL the affect that this has had on me... i hope to come to some understanding of all this.

11-04-2003, 08:21 PM	#35 (permalink)
Cfrith Paused Join Date: Nov 2003 Location: Struthers, OH Posts: 3	That list made me cry. I fit all 13 of them. Funny in a sick sort of way.

07-21-2004, 07:12 PM	#36 (permalink)
KcCrystal "Tonight I Wanna Cry" Join Date: Dec 2003 Location: Kansas City Posts: 268	All 13 fit me, but espically, 3, 9 & 13. :smileeek: Kinda shocking that this could be the root to all my problems. My dad drank, and he probally still does. I never knew what a real life was all about, so to seek friends, I lied. Still battleing that. And I have so much trouble cleaning up my messes afterwards. Maybe one day I'll figure it out.

07-22-2004, 10:05 PM	#39 (permalink)
needtogrowup Member Join Date: Jun 2004 Location: Southern California Posts: 129	OPPS,....is the message of hope I have been being wanting to hear all my life. randa __________________ :rose Needtogrowup

07-22-2004, 11:02 PM	#40 (permalink)
Birddog Member Join Date: Jul 2004 Location: I'm right here Posts: 41	This sure hit home with me, I'm shocked

07-23-2004, 03:56 PM	#41 (permalink)
lavendae Member Join Date: Mar 2003 Location: Canoga Park CA Posts: 27	Wow, kc,thanks for mentioning that you lied in order to get friends. I didn't know what a real life was like either, and I lied & pretended I had one. Furthermore, I started to believe some of those lies growing up. I denied and denied alot of the things that happened. Didnt deny my dad's drinking, just what became b/c of it ... no steady job, no steady place to live, his health problems, the family mess.... and I still try to make excuses, I'm still embaressed.

07-23-2004, 05:30 PM	#42 (permalink)
KcCrystal "Tonight I Wanna Cry" Join Date: Dec 2003 Location: Kansas City Posts: 268	I'm embrassed to this day. I still battle the lies I make to make myself feel good. I need to learn that I need to reveal the real me before I ruin everything. I don't like loseing friends, when in the long run I just wanted to make them.

07-23-2004, 08:46 PM	#43 (permalink)
needtogrowup Member Join Date: Jun 2004 Location: Southern California Posts: 129	How do I learn to cope with life on life's terms? I am a pothead, co-dependent, and adutl child of an alcoholic. Seems they all overlap. Add alittle incest.., verbal abruse and of course..thats why I am needtogrowup. Was not shown a way of life where you took responsibilties for your choices...It keep years of being beaten up by my choices...to finally come to believe that I actually really did have choices..I could realize it on an intelectual level but never on a gut level. Major fear and shame and depression were my comfort zone. thanks to this site...I faced the fear of stopping pot..to realize..I was powerless over my obsession to use weed to deal w/(or not deal w/) feelings. Everytime I quit for a few days the overwhelming saddness of the addictions of my family..(grandparents now deceased, parents deceased, sisters, nieces, aunts, children..) just awful..I'd feel such grief.. Guess what, now with 22 days off pot...I actually am proud of me...and like myself..have hope..love ya guys. randa / __________________ :rose Needtogrowup

07-24-2004, 01:42 PM	#44 (permalink)
Vee Member Join Date: Jul 2004 Location: Haslemere surrey Posts: 4	I am equally stunned by those thirteen points and can identify with all of them. I am thirty two and had an alcoholic father whom i adored who died 5 years ago drunk to the end. I really thought (rather smugly) that I had dealt with his disease and his death well and had recently decided to retrain as a councellor to help the families of addicts. I now realise that I might just have a few issues to deal with about myself first before i am able to help others. I am thankfull that I found this forum before rushing headlong into this new career path.....isnt that remanicent of point number 13!!! Thank you for the insight and the answer to more than a few questions i had'nt even asked yet! Vee xxx

07-25-2004, 05:15 AM	#45 (permalink)
Gabe Member Join Date: Jan 2003 Posts: 4,955	Hey Vee, Welcome to Sober Recovery. I'm glad you found us. Stick around. Gabe

08-04-2004, 12:36 AM	#46 (permalink)
needtogrowup Member Join Date: Jun 2004 Location: Southern California Posts: 129	I just wanted to say hi everyone...when to the dentis..taking care of myself. Need to have friends in recovery...so I e-mailed 2 women from a recovery phone list who had their e-mail numbers as well..Hope I don't bore anyone..its late and I so need to stay focused. I am in pain and confusion. I am tired and sad. My daughter uses..and my grandaughter. both make me feel in the way. I am homeless right now and staying w/them...and I am in there way..I am trying to look for a job when I feel well enough. I am afraid of rehab programs. Tried one for 10 days a few years ago..but left as I could not focus at the time on myself:too "in love" w an alkie bf..addicted to him. But now I know that I need to be serious about myself and my issues if I am EVER to learn to live a happy life. It is scary..and uncomfortable..but I've read that growth is suppose to be uncomfortable..and scary. I have a resolve I have never had before...every seed of past experiences around recovery and cog thpy's regard depression..has not been wasted..Guess it is a time in my life when recovery is more serious and relative than ever before. Like I have hit my bottem..I am sick and tired of being sick and tired and depressed and in my deseases..pot addiction..co-depentency...co-addict. I am going to learn to take care of myself if it kills me!!! I would rather die than to keep on doing what I have always done!!! God..people out there in recovery...hear my cry's...help me...It is so important that I stay away from drugs..first of all..NO smoking pot...and the rest will follow..I need friends in recovery to this...thank you for being there....I need you all...love randa __________________ :rose Needtogrowup

08-07-2004, 04:41 PM	#47 (permalink)
dragonlady Member Join Date: Jul 2004 Location: colmesneil, texas Posts: 120	I'm an addict, child of an alcoholic/addict and spouse to an addict. I can't believe how much that discribes me! I've been in and out of NA and AA for years and I've never seen myself described so well. I was also sexually abused by 3 different people and I have been ANGRY :cussing: for years! And now that I'm trying to quit again I have to deal with my AH trying to keep me down. He doesn't believe he has a prob. He thinks we can still smoke pot and leave the hard stuff alone. I think he's f****** crazy! But I'm scared of taking the boys and leaving because I don't know how to live on my own! I've never had to do it before. Thanx for these forums and the good people who visit here.

08-07-2004, 04:51 PM	#48 (permalink)
Star Gazer Member Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: Clearwater, FL Posts: 81	They all fit me but the one regarding finishing projects. I can finish projects but I always seem to keep expanding them. I can take something as simple as painting the kitchen and turning it into a complete renovation! I reach my original goal but I keep adding new ones. __________________ "You see things;and you say,'Why?' But I dream things that never were; and I say 'Why not?'." - George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

08-08-2004, 10:12 PM	#49 (permalink)
eveie I've Taken My Life Back!! Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: Montana Posts: 106	oh great! another reason I am here on this forum, is there a place to just check all of the above? well ok, Im dealing with it all, one day at a time, one step at a time, and just thankful im clean and sober, but back away from my cigarettes that all just makes soooooo much sense. I grew up with the "chip on my shoulder" the hatefulness towards my parents went alonggggggg ways, too much time spent on that, I just learned to accept that that is my mom, that is my dad, cant change them 2 facts, but it hurts, now explains alot of behaviors, thanks for that post, another TADA moment!! __________________ Eveie "Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take but by the moments that take our breath away." Last edited by eveie; 08-08-2004 at 10:13 PM. Reason: blonde fingers...lol

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