FallenAlien

[[[[[SCROLL DOWN TO WHERE IT SAYS SUMMARY IF YOU DONT WANNA READ ALL THE VENTING STUFF, it turned out kinda long ]]]]]]]]]]

VENTING:

9 days till I have 90 days completely clean from all substances. I know I should be proud of myself but I don't feel it really. I've just been so confused and depressed lately, likely from PAWs which makes it hard for me to even sort out my thoughts and feel good when i know im going down the right path.

The first 2 months were surprisingly easy actually. I just put all my focus into working out and bulking up. But recently as in the past week, i realized that my second biggest addiction besides substances, is an addiction to my appearance. This could also be broken down further into how i feel about myself and what others think of me. I've always felt like a socially awkward person and that I just wasn't normal (like an alien :P). I am really self conscious about everything I say because of this and even now as I write this out I am worried that I may sound fake or to technical or something. The funny thing is is that people always tell me I have great social skills, so I think its more an issue of feeling nervous and to hard on myself. But regardless it still makes me feel like **** whether or not its a real issue.

Anyway I've always tried to make up for this (when I was actually trying and not giving up and using) through my looks. I always thought "well if I suck at talking at least I'll look really good and then people will like me", which sounds ******** as i write it out just saying. But thats what I thought.

Now that I have gained weight and am starting to look like the ideal appearance of myself that I've always wanted, I realize that this isnt the answer to life or my social problems. I think this is why the first 2 months were so easy to stay sober because using destroyed my body and appearance. Therefore the primary factor in me getting sober was to achieve that dream body and good looks I've always wanted for so long (still not there yet but well on my way). So now that I've come to terms with my obsession with appearance it kinda creates this emptiness in my life that was essentially filled as a non-substance addiction. I do go to the gym everyday so at first I was looking at possible exercise addiction but I realize its all to do with appearance. I go to the gym to get muscle because it looks good, not because i wanna be healthy or strong or because working out makes me feel good (endorphins) (although those are nice bonuses).

SUMMARY:

[[[[[ So basically the addict voice telling me to go use has become so strong this past week at almost 90 days clean. The addict in me wants to use so bad as its trying to grip any little insecurity, problem or reason to go pick up that drug again. I'm having a really hard time listening to my higher self as the addict is just so loud and much more appealing to listen to, I'll admit. It tells me the dumbest things though. Like I was basically thinking of people that relapsed that were in my rehab and using that as an excuse for me to relapse!. "Oh well they relapsed so its okay if I go relapse as well" like just so ********.

Its also been trying to pull the famous "just one more time" also, which my higher self knows is ********. What scares me is just how irrational and stupid "the addict" can sound but at the same time how appealing it can seem to go pick up and use. Its almost as if I'm on the verge of losing control of myself, like im becoming possessed by the demon of addiction and I cant stop it. Sometimes i feel like I've already relapsed in my head and if I had the money id be calling my dealer right now. Which reminds me, my dealer texted me his new number the other day (after i previously told him not to text me anymore) and I just cant bring myself to delete the new #! I literally have the number sitting in my phone and I just don't have the strength to delete the damn number!

I don't wanna make this to long so people will actually read it. Basically the addict voice within me is just so god damn loud and persistent, and its getting hard to keep battling everyday. If anyone has any advice on how to deal with this id greatly appreciate it ]]]]]]]]]]

FMTT

You are describing classic PAWS symptoms. Nothing more, nothing less. I have come to believe that those voices in our heads that try to convince us that our drug of choice wasn't really that bad after all will never go away completely. But what we do with those thoughts gets easier and easier to deal with in a positive fashion. Let me recap my story for you. 19 years free from alcohol, 6 years free from tobacco and 8 months free from opiates. Listen carefully....NONE of that stuff has stopped trying to seduce me from time to time. The thoughts will pop up at the weirdest times but each time I remind myself of the pain and frustration I lived while in bondage from each of those substances.

Also I never forget the difficulty I experienced in kicking each of those bad habits to the curb and the absolutely wonderful feeling I get from being free from active addiction. I'll always be an addict but as long as I don't pick up I know in my heart I've got the upper hand. When the pain of addiction becomes greater than the pain of life that caused us to use in the first place, only then can we successfully slay the beasts within us and truly break free. You can do this Alien. It's just going to take some more time to feel comfortable in your own skin again. Without the dope this time. 1, 3 and 6 month marks are notorious for being soft spots for these new in recovery so just stay in the boat and this too shall pass.

eveleivibe

Be proud of yourself you are posting instead of using. You are an inspiration to others by doing so. Shows your fighting. Remember all the withdrawals n keep posting you're doing the right thing. You've done so well

eveleivibe

Having read that all i can relate about the fitness. As i know I'm ugly n was bullied due to having an eyesight problem called things like **** eyed cow, cross eyed birch, four eyes, two fingers in fromt of my face n this was often done by 'good looking guys' when i started exercising intensely doing beachbody INSANITY, p90x etc ppl started saying I looked good n like an athlete so i wanted more of it...

Anyway that is not such a bad thing as long as you eat healthily to fuel your body erc. I would suggest you talk to like minded ppl online re health n fitness n concentrate on that as a distraction from the cravings. It will not just help you physically, it will help you mentally.
Maybe when you get these cravings you xould go on a jog or focus on the positives of whats happened since you come off like like 'bulking up'

Exercise is what has made things better for you as not only is it a distraction but it releases endorphins n also you see a visual progress in what you have achieved /are achieving. And if you can achieve all this progression you can achieve anything, right,

Do a pro n cons thing its a visual technique of seeing whats best n really would it be good going backwards after you have achieved so much in 3 months????

As far as having concerns about exercise / looking good becoming an addiction would it be a good idea to see a counsellor n work through these issues n turn these into what they are meant to be? Positives.

Good luck

PS sorry my post was so long

Evey

georgiagirl5

I understand. I relapsed on opiates at about three months. It is very very hard.

With that said it can be done as I attend Celebrate Recovery meetings and there are former opiate addicts there. This gives me hope. It is really hard to stay sober without a program. Why did you not like AA? It saved my life on drinking 10 years ago at age 25. I'm now realizing the direct link of when I stopped meetings and falling in love with opiates.

I'm sure it is PAWS with you. I guess you just have to keep thinking one day at a time without opiates is one day closer to the end of PAWS. I need that advice too.

Wishing you the best. You're young and don't want addiction or alcoholism to ruin your life or kill you. And that IS what it does if you don't recover...all the best.

FallenAlien

Thanks for the support everybody. It is very hard. I find myself having a really hard time to listen to my sober self. Its almost as if the addict is telling my sober side to STFU and just use, not the other way around like it should be. "Dont think about after, just think about how good that high will feel" is basically what goes on through my mind. Its really frustrating cause I have all the knowledge about being sober and that using will just lead me back to that dark place. But its like im trying to make self ignorant to that fact, well the addict is trying to. It's just so easy to not wanna care and go pick up and experience that opiate induced euphoria.

I dunno maybe I needa just go to a meeting, which im not really keen on. I found it was just addicts complaining about stupid stuff that I didnt need to worry about. And then its like a reminder "oh ya ur a screwed up drug addict" when I would go to a meeting in the past. Although the cravings themselves are basically a reminder so that doesnt really make sense.

What if I dont want sobriety bad enough? I think i do though i dunno :/. I never hit ROCK bottom before. I hit a bottom but not by anywhere means ROCk bottom. My counsler in rehab always said how much me and him were alike but the biggest difference between us is that when he got clean he was scared he was gunna die. I mean I dont fear for my life but I am aware I could die an addict, but I doubt id die from an overdose as im always very careful. See and then my addiction gets off on this and says "See well maybe you gotta go use some more so you really wanna get sober", which is ********

I just feel as if my addiction has just so much control over me right now. Its like i cant even focus on and fathom what using could and will do. Severe my family again, make me lose friends, destroy my appearance and health, my self esteem. Like I write that stuff all out but its as if its not getting through to me. Like I dont feel it. I know it in my head but not in my heart and I dont know how to make myself feel it because this damn demon is just so powerful and has its dirty claws gripped into my brain.

Is it possible to get clean without hitting a rock bottom and being scared your addiction will kill you? Because I no where near hit my rock bottom and I'm not fearful for my actual life. Im scared of my quality of life definitely, but not my actual life.

eveleivibe

Its good you're writing your feeling down. I don't really know what to say apart from you're doing the right thing in writing your feelings down n having ppl support you. You've got some good replies here from ppl who have relapsed n how it affected them n you're doing the right thing in noting down the negatives of what would happen if you used again.

I'm not an expert in addiction but I don't think you need to 'hit rock bottom' before you're sober etc. you said you'd hit your bottom.
And if you weren't serious about being sober you'd have used by now, right? Instead you're posting on here. So I'd say you ARE serious about it.

I don't really know about meetings to advise you, but I'm sure others can help here n I wouldn't want to give wrong info or unuseful advice.

Keep posting!

georgiagirl5

Yes you can get clean without hitting absolute rock bottom. I've seen many examples of this. Right now I still have my family, home, plenty of money,friends etc BUT I feel if I go farther with opiates I'm gonna lose it all. It is really really hard. I think the same way that I need the euphoria. I wish I never knew about opiates. A year and a half ago I threw away a bottle of expired Percocet. But I now know how much I like (okay love) them but I have to think is the euphoria enough to lose it all? I'm struggling with the same stuff you are but you have more clean time than me. But yes I do believe you can get clean before hitting the lowest of the low!

WhatamIdoing21

I have never liked the term "rock bottom". I have found these two things to be true. You can make the decision to have your bottom be whatever you need it to be that is enough to motivate you going forward to stay clean. As true as that is, it is also true that every bottom comes with a trap door that you can fall through if your commitment to change is not kept. I keep hearing the PAWS idea and these is much written on this topic. This time has increments known as "flare up periods", where the addict/alcoholic's brain that has been influenced from the past substance abuse struggles to keep itself in a so-called normal thinking pattern. Think of it like this ... we use to seek relief from ails us/bothers us/escape ... etc. and many other reasons ... we as humans are designed to survive, which also means to avoid pain and discomfort ... so as we use a substance to escape our thoughts or feelings and this use works temporarily, than the brain sees this as a reward. We LOVE rewards. It makes perfect sense that our brain will continue to seek the reward it is already familiar with and knows from experience that the reward works. It is no co-incidence that these flare up periods seem to be in sync with the reward concept that we are taught in AA or other 12 Step Fellowships. We are taught that the reward is a coin or it's our clean time itself or that we have a family member back in our life and so on, but one of the realities is that we are still struggling with many of our other thoughts and/or feelings. So the brain, true to its survival design tries to tells us different from what we are told intellectually and rationally. This is exactly what you are describing ... right? Thoughts and feelings of not being good enough, self doubt, insecurities, social problems, etc ... but didn't these exist before the drug use? You said ... "I've always felt like a socially awkward person and that I just wasn't normal". You talked you noticed your other addiction was about how you looked and if you couldn't feel better in social situations at least you could look good. Which I guess in a sense allows you to feel better about that awkwardness you feel because maybe you can gain acceptance through your look. The brain will remember the reward that gave relief to the feelings so in the end it is the feelings that need to be addressed to experience relief from the thoughts during the flare up periods. Without the negative thoughts/feelings the brain has no reason to seek relief. How to find relief from those thoughts ... you mentioned meetings. There are a number of ways to go about this. If you struggle in meetings I would suggest to think before you go about the idea of open-mindedness and willingness. Remain willing to be open minded about sitting in the next meeting to listen for some one, anyone that says something you can relate to. It is easy to get bored and differentiate ourselves from other addicts. It takes courage to honestly sit there and listen to "find" something to identify with. Because once we identify than the solution becomes a reality that we either have to accept or ignore. Based on what you have already written it seems that you have come to grips with the idea that you might have a serious problem. I commend you on that, as many of us try and find reasons why we should not be lumped into that group wearing that label of "addict". Many of us have accepted that label and in fact embraced it; understanding that it does not have to define the way we live today. In fact, it can be viewed quite simply as the life experience that makes me the better person I am today. Without my full blown active addiction I would have never sought relief from the thoughts/feelings that imprisoned me and only allowed me to live life at half speed and in constant fear. You can do this! Stop back and share with us "how" you did it.