NeedHelp1965

Hi, I'm new.....
My sad (replace with stupid) story....
I have been addicted to oxycodone for the past 2 1/2 years. Started out with just one or two in the evening to unwind. Last month I was up to 40 10mg Oxycodone a day. I tried to taper, but the fewest I could come down to was 20 a day. I am a 50 year old loving husband and father. No one knows I have this addiction. Not my wife, not my kids, not my friends, not even my priest (haven't confessed it ....yet). I've been forging prescriptions and running all around town all this time. To feed my addiction I had to lie to my family and take an hour or two twice a week to visit various pharmacies. I am actually surprised I haven't been caught by the police yet. A couple of times I had to RUN back to the car after realizing the pharmacy figured out my script was a fake. I feel soooooo guilty. and I am so alone.

I used to be an athlete. Ran a sub 3:15 marathon prior to this addiction. Since then I have gained 50 pounds and can't even run a mile.

I quit cold turkey four days ago. I just couldn't stand the guilt and the pressure to keep finding pills. The first three days were HELL. I knew I was going to be sick, but I think I was unprepared for the reality. I'm on day-four and the pain is gone. But I feel really fuzzy-headed and I don't have any energy. I timed my last pill for 5:00 PM on the Friday before the 3-day weekend. Hoping to miss as little work as possible, Everyone thinks I have the flu.

Is there anyone else out there who has kicked this after an addiction of my duration and dosage? I'm curious how long until I feel "normal" again?

I really want to get back to running. 4 years ago (and 50 pounds ago) I used to love to run 10-15 miles through forest trails. It was shear bliss and pleasure. For those that don't run, it is like the "high" of oxy, but in a good way. it is indescribable. but..... I dare not start up exercising until I'm completely out of withdrawal. Any idea how lone that might be?

I am also concerned that my long-time addiction may have damaged my heart and almost certainly my liver. I can't really talk to my doctor about it since it was his prescription I was forging. "Hi Doc, I've had an addiction to oxy for the past 2 years.... What's that someone has been forging your prescription for two years, what a coincidence!" Next thing I'm in jail.

I AM SO STUPID!!!!

Any Help?

Dee74

Welcome NeedHelp

I know you'll find support here. I've never taken oxys so I have no experience to share.

I do want to take on the subject of the scripts tho - I don't you think it would be better for you all round to fess up now, rather than being caught sometime later down the track?

D

NeedHelp1965

Hi Dee74,

I would LOVE to come clean. But I cannot afford to go to jail. I have a wife and two teenage daughters to support. I figure that if I haven't been caught in the past two years, I'm probably not going to get caught after I've quit. If I need to see a doctor about the consequences of my addiction, I'll need to see a different doctor. I've been back to my regular doctor several times during my addiction, but he never picked up on it and he never acted like he didn't trust me...... I feel bad for abusing our relationship (I really like him. he's the best doctor I've ever had). But I just cannot afford to get caught. I'm sorry if that makes me cold and calculating. I know I'm a liar and a cheat. It's not so much that I don't want to suffer the consequences of my actions, so much as I don't want my family to have to live with the shame of an addict for a husband and father. And "yes" I know that they already have an addict for a husband and father. It's just that they don't know it.

Stride34

Hey there. First, congratulations on making this life-changing decision. It's probably the best thing you'll ever do for yourself, and takes a lot of guts. I know, I've been there.

I was addicted to oxycodone for about 3 1/2 years. Similar dose as you. Quit cold turkey like you. I know the H*LL that is opiate withdrawal, and it's one of the main things that drives me to stay clean and sober.

You are absolutely over the hump now at Day 4. If you continue to stay clean, the physical stuff WILL get much better for you from here on out. Some days are crappy, some days are good. But give it a little time and you will start feeling well on a more consistent basis, until your back to normal. Don't even think about going back to oxy even for one fix. That would be a huge mistake at this point. You're better off thinking that it doesn't exist, and doing everything you can from this point forward to get yourself in good physical/mental/spiritual condition. Here are a few tips....

1.) Stay away from ALL mood altering substances. Period.

2.) Get plenty of liquids and eat as healthy as you can. It took me nearly a month for my appetite to come back so definitely take a daily vitamin supplement to ensure your getting the nutrients you need.

3.) Get as much as sleep as you can, NATURALLY. No sleep aids, not even OTC. Don't ask me why.

4.) EXERCISE. I know it's the last thing in the world you want to do, but exercise would be GREAT for you. Right now your brain chemistry and opiate receptors are going haywire, and exercise releases endorphins and other feel good chemicals that will help stabilize you a bit. This is something you need to do, especially because you said you used to love it so much. That natural high will come back, I promise you, but you need to start working those receptors again in a healthy way. This is key.

5.) Keep a moral inventory daily. Though every person should live like this- its especially important for those in recovery. Do your best every day to be the best person you can be, for yourself and for those you care about. It's important to live with some purpose and with a healthy self-esteem. Keep in mind, this will be tough to do if you are not being honest with those close to you.

6.) Stay away from triggers. People, places, things. Get them out of your life for good. Having potential access to drugs will ensure a relapse down the line.

7.) Get a support network. You need to have people who you can talk to about your addiction. If your family/friends cannot be this, join NA or AA. Those meetings are great. Give it a shot, what you got to lose?


As for your worries about your health, I can tell you that pure oxycodone (oxycontin, roxicodone) isn't toxic to organs. So I'm not sure how your health is in general, but don't worry about your heart, at least as far as damage from oxy goes. However...

**High doses of Acetaminophen (tylenol) can potentially cause liver damage, so if you were taking Percocets (oxycodone+acetaminophen), it's probably worth checking out with a doctor just to ensure your in good shape.


Hope this helped a little. Best of luck to you in your battle against the OX!

CarolD

welcome to SR...

I have no experiences with them either...I've always refused to use them for pain. My active alcoholism was my reason for seeking recovery.

I wanted to say hello and wish you and your family all the best...

FT

Hey,

I couldn't say it any better than Stride.

Hang in there, man. You are not alone.

FT

NeedHelp1965

Thanks Stride34, Good advice all of it.
I have a question about the sleep aid. I've been taking Lunesta for 18 months due to an non-addiction issue. And I know I should have not taken Lunesta along with oxy but I did..... Why not continue with Lunesta?, Especially since I already take it. I doubled up on the dosage during this withdrawal and it really helped. I still only sleep 5 hours a night, but I do get some sleep. About eight years ago I had a hydro addiction. (Yes, I should have learned my lesson then). I recall going five days with no sleep. I remember wanting to kill myself from lack of sleep. As soon as I'm out of withdrawal, I'm going to my doctor and ask him how I can get off the Lunesta. I can't talk to him about the oxy, but I can about the Lunesta. I know I am also addicted to the Lunesta. I'm afraid quitting both at the same time would drive me to put a bullet in my head.... Literally!

BeenDown2Times

NeedHelp I'm pretty much in the same boat.

Also a 3:15 marathoner, also had a hidden oxy habit for 3 years (about 75mg/day). Quit cold turkey 27 days ago. I made the stupid mistake of thinking I could still drink and ended up hospitalized with alcohol poisoning the next day but now I'm proud to say I've been completely sober for 25 days now.

Just want to say that it DOES get better and if you can get back into running it makes the physical recovery process much faster (at least it did for me). Even if you can walk or jog or do simple fartlek training it really really helps. Aside from the mental and physical benefits there is some sort of spiritual benefit I got from feeling like I could actually accomplish something that wasn't drug related.

I also had an ex-wife who got arrested and a short-term jail sentence for doing exactly what you're doing with forging scripts. She got taken away while babysitting for my niece and it was an absolutely horrific experience for all involved. You really really don't want that to happen to you.

NeedHelp1965

BeenDown2Times,

Good to hear from another runner. I miss it so much. I wish I had never started experimenting with this crap. 2 1/2 lost years. Not to mention the additional 50 pounds (Of which I've already lost 12 in withdrawal). Fartliks... love them! Ever do mile repeats? A buddy of mine trained me for the marathon and we'd go to the local high school track and run a 6:00 mile. jog a lap. Do a 5:57 mile, jog a lap, do a 5:55 mile, jog a lap, then do a forth at full speed.... I remember being so wiped out, but also feeling amazed at my potential. I did this at 45 years of age. I was faster and had more endurance than ever before in my life. I had a resting heart rate below 40. I even amazed myself. I don't think I could jog a 12 minute mile today.....So sad what drugs do to you....... My fault though, I did it to myself. I know I'll never see another 6:00 mile, but I am sure gonna try!

BeenDown2Times

Don't sell yourself short NeedHelp, you can do it. You have something that you used to enjoy doing that will help you recover and fight this beast so go for it.

If you can do a 12 minute mile sober then by all means go for it. You gotta start somewhere.

I've found it helpful to think about sobriety the same way I think about marathons. I always break marathons down into 10ks and just get through each one at a time. Otherwise its too intimidating. Kind of like the NA rule about "one day at a time" with staying sober.

Anyway, you can do it. Hope to see you at the starting line at the Boston or NY Marathons some day!

NeedHelp1965

Thanks.... I'm on day 5 of my recovery and the pain is gone. Still don't sleep well, even with double dose of Lunesta. And worst of all I have zero energy. It's my wife's birthday tomorrow and it was all I could do to drag my butt to her favorite store and get her a gift certificate (I know, not very romantic, but it's what she said she wants).... When should I expect to get my energy level back? anyone?

FT

Hi NeedHelp,

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but your energy will return pretty slowly. However, with younger guys it seems to go faster.

I had to go to a 3 day seminar where I to stand up all day and perform clinical procedures when I was three weeks out. I knew it was coming, and I wasn't sure I could do it. I got through it, but it was a rough go.

The mental clarity returned much faster, and now the physical part is catching up. I am not an athlete by any stretch, and I had both knees replaced for osteoarthritis in 2009. Just the same, I can now do 20 minutes a day on the Nordic Track (the cross country ski type), something that I never could have done while using. I am 5 and a half months clean after a 2 year OXY HELL RIDE.

FT

BillyShears

NeedHelp-

You are not alone. I have hidden a 3 year hydro addiction from my friends and family. I am young, work a fantastic job and just couldn't do it any longer. Currently i'm in day 3 of my detox. It isn't pretty.

Stay positive. You seem like a smart guy. Things will get better for you so long as you stick to your plan. Best of luck to you

Tool311

Congrats on day 5 NeedHelp, you've gotten over the mole hill but you have a mountain up ahead.

I personally would try to taper down from the lunestra. Doubling your normal dose is just substituting one drug for another. Although lunestra is not a benzo, it's still habit forming. Doubling your dose can be dangerous, I'd consult a doctor on ways to try and get off of it.

Where you're at now was the worst part of detox for me. There's alot of emptyness inside of you, and life is just dull. Just think of all of the things in life that are truly important to you and have the mindset that every day that goes by will be better than the previous one.

I still don't get "normal" sleep. I usually get 5 or 6 hours, but it's enough. Nobody ever died from a lack of sleep. Your body will rest when it's tired.

Hope this helps and GL,
311

fordman_mustang

Last monday i quit and actually asked the same questoin and for me day 6 was the day i really felt better

NeedHelp1965

I'm back and I feel a lot better! Officially one week into my recovery. Went back to work yesterday. It was tough without any energy. Today was a little better. Still not sleeping more than three or four hours a night, and only then after Lunesta. I think I would go completely insane if I didn't get any sleep. As it is, I just feel like I'm running on empty all the time. I did come clean with my physiologist. I've been seeing him for a year and a half and he was stunned when I told him. But it feels good knowing I have someone who has to keep my secret but can also keep an eye on me so I don't relapse. I mowed the lawn after work. I thought I was going to pass out I was so beat when I finished.

Thanks to all of you for your kind words and your advice. I honestly hope I never see another oxy pill again.

oxyious

I'm on day 7 and I was taking 6-12 rox a day. This is how it went for me:
Day One - Hot/Cold Sweats & Watery Eyes
Day Two - Hot/Cold Sweats, Diarreah
Day Three - Uncontrollable vomiting, Diarreah
Day Four - Tired, but can't sleep, flu like symptoms and once again.... diarreah
Day Five- Over the worse part... Just unable to sleep, high anxiety, VERY poor appetite
Day Six - Insomnia
Day Seven - Insomnia but starting to feel human again. If I had anywhere to go, I'd get my fat a$$ off the couch. (So, yeah, say 7 you'll still be drained of energy).

FT

Hi oxyious.

Hey, you are fighting the good fight. In week two, you will start having more good days. Expect the energy drain to last quite awhile. Just hydrate the heck out of yourself and don't expect to be too productive. Give yourself the time it takes to detox, and you can work on the other part later.

Congrats on your 1 week!

Ft

FT

Hey NeedHelp!

Congrats on your one week!

I wasn't able to work at all for the first week. You won't feel up to par for a few more weeks, but you will start noticing more good days than bad ones pretty soon.

Hang on and keep going!

FT

oxyious

Honest to God it wasn't as bad as all the horror stories I've read... reading those stories kept me from quitting in the past. I just want people to know that yeah it does suck, but it isn't the end of the world and only one of those days is like having the SUPER FLU, the rest are not easy, but not horrible either. SO DON'T BE AFRAID TO QUIT...