Did I Just Relapse? Please, please help!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: My Own Headspace
Posts: 158
Did I Just Relapse? Please, please help!
Almost 7 months oxy-free, and hand-down the best decision I've made in my life. Three years of my life lost to oxy abuse, and I'm very grateful that it wasn't more. But I think I just effed up...I'm not sure.
Simply asking the question: "Did I just relapse?" made me realize how much I still don't know about recovery. And that's probably because I've resisted attempts to involve the support of others (groups, friends, a sponsor, etc.) whom I could have learned from. I'm very socially phobic, and also afraid I'll run into people I know if I seek outside help, which would be career suicide. I know, I know ~ excuses, excuses. In any event, I had been doing fine conquering this on my own with no slip-ups, but a few cravings here and there that passed quickly as I mentally reminded myself of that dark and desolate place I never ever want to revisit.
I just spend over a week in the hospital for adrenal failure and a Crohn's Disease flare-up. CT scans, upper and lower GI series and biopsies all showed inflammation infiltration and abscesses everywhere except my small intestine, and new inflammation in my esophagus. I've had Crohn's for over 20 years, with a minor flare up every year typically when the season changes from summer to fall. And usually one major flare up requiring hospitalization every few years. This one was major. The pain was unbearable. I tried to handle it myself by water fasting for two weeks and a half weeks prior to calling my doctor, to give my gut a break from the digestion process, hoping the pain would subside to a tolerable level. I'm still water fasting, and have lost 15 pounds in the process. Without the water fasting, I'm sure the pain would be worse.
Prior to being hospitalized, I saw my PCP, who prescribed an antispasmotic, after I told her I don't want any narcotic pain medications. She told me to call her the next day if things didn't improve. I called her, told her things were worse, and she told me to go to the ER. So, I did. The pain was worse than child birth, and although that sounds dramatic, I've given birth with no pain medication, and despite the beauty of the birthing experience itself, the labor pains were barbaric. At least then, I was rewarded with wonderful babies!
So, in the ER on Thursday, I was first diagnosed with adrenal failure. No pain there...just blood pressure issues, exhaustion, and minor nausea and dizziness. I was initially diagnosed with this last year after fainting as the result of my blood pressure crashing to 62/40. Luckily, my face broke my fall on the tile floor, and resulted in just a broken nose, and some cuts and bruises. I stayed in the hospital that time for over three weeks, and left feeling like a million bucks, as my hormone issues were addressed. Incidentally, back then, my endocrinologist said that narcotics can cause this adrenal failure (as well as lactation in women who aren't breast feeding, which was the case). As an aside, I advise all women currently using narcotics or have a history of using them, to consult their physicians, and ask for a referral for an endocrinology work-up, as adrenal insufficiency and adrenal failure are very serious disorders, which can oftentimes be fatal.
The other diagnosis given in the hospital, the one that caused the physical pain, was Crohn's Disease. The last time I was in this much pain was 2008, when the US had a salmonella outbreak, which for me, triggered a Crohn's flare.
While in the hospital last week, I asked the ER docs for pain relief, specifically high doses of Advil (because it addresses inflammation). They said Advil could be the cause of some of the pain in the first place, since I've been taking it at least twice a day after stopping the oxys back in March. I told them that I had taken oxys for 3 years, and stopped in March, and it was very important to me that alternatives be considered. They seemed sensitive to this, I thought at the time. They gave me morphine through my IV. It felt so weird and uncomfortable that I shouted at them to "turn it off!" It was a scary feeling, but almost instantly stopped the pain.
Long story longer, they stopped the morphine and instead gave me hydrocodone for main pain relief, and oxycodone for "break through" pain relief. "They gave me..." sounds like I'm the victim here. I allowed them to give it to me and didn't shoo them away from injecting it into my IV. And I was relatively pain free (say a "4" on a scale of 1-10), which was a great baseline for me through this experience for the majority of my stay there). I felt guilty every time it was given to me, yet I requested it more than once ~ oxy or hydrocodone (which I had never taken before), I didn't care which, as long as it either eased or stopped the pain altogether.
Fast forward to the day after discharge (this past Saturday). I called my pharmacist, whose help I enlisted back in March when I decided to quit the oxys. She's very supportive and knowledgeable, and was so on-board with me quitting the oxys. I explained to her the deal with the adrenal crisis and Crohn's flare, and the fact that I was given two prescriptions for pain medications (hydrocodone and oxycodone) upon discharge yesterday. I asked her if this will get me in troubles. She encouraged me to wait a day to think about it and decide whether I wanted it filled. The pain was so bad that I waited 8 hours to decide. I needed them, and I filled them. And I've been taking them, albeit only PRN as opposed to every 4 hours as prescribed, and cutting them in half (they're 5 mg pills). I first try my hot water bottle, heating pad, hot baths, meditation, and continuing my water fast.
But I just can't shake this feeling of failure because it was my goal to never, ever take pain medications again. I told my PCP this almost two weeks ago when I saw her, and she said "Never say 'never'."
Oddly, I was discharged WITHOUT the usual steroid medication I take for Crohn's flare-ups (prednisone). That said, I don't know if that's because I was discharged with a different steroid for the adrenal failure. I've never been discharged with prescriptions for pain medications for a Crohn's flare before, as steroids reduce the inflammation, which is the root cause of the pain. In my opinion, pain medications for gut inflammation just mask the symptoms and offer just temporary relief from pain. A doctor's way to shut a patient up?
Sheesh, this is a long post. I have very mixed feelings about this. On the one hand, I don't like the way the oxys feel, and it's almost as if it's a little bit of a foreign feeling to me...as if I have some sort of emotional amnesia about having had a love affair with them in the past. On the other hand though, I'm not in pain and that sure does feel good. My plan is to go back to work by the end of the week, as long as the water fast continues to chill out my gut, and the steroids start to kick in. As it is right now though, I can't get out of bed other than to use the bathroom, as I remain light-headed and weak. I was able to shower today for the first time since SEPTEMBER 27th. Yes, 14 days ago! I know, I know, gross. I've taken sponge baths, and that's all I've had energy to do.
So, long story even longer, is this considered a relapse? Was all that work, almost seven months worth for nothing? Am I starting all over again? I was so proud of myself. Like I conquered the worst evil demon while climbing the highest peak in the world at the same time. Now I feel as though I should have stopped the doctors instead of just mentioning my preferences to them. I feel as though I should have refused the pain medication and just sucked it up. I should have pulled the IV out of my hand. I wouldn't have died from the pain, even though there were times when I wanted to. At one point early on I said that I didn't want to leave the hospital with ANY pain medication. And what did I do? I left with not one, but two prescriptions for pain medication. And I filled them both the next day.
I'm sorry this post is so long. I feel like a big failure.
Has anyone else experienced this before? How did you feel? How did you handle the feelings? What was it like? Any feedback would be much appreciated!
Thanks in advance for any help...Any help at all!
Simply asking the question: "Did I just relapse?" made me realize how much I still don't know about recovery. And that's probably because I've resisted attempts to involve the support of others (groups, friends, a sponsor, etc.) whom I could have learned from. I'm very socially phobic, and also afraid I'll run into people I know if I seek outside help, which would be career suicide. I know, I know ~ excuses, excuses. In any event, I had been doing fine conquering this on my own with no slip-ups, but a few cravings here and there that passed quickly as I mentally reminded myself of that dark and desolate place I never ever want to revisit.
I just spend over a week in the hospital for adrenal failure and a Crohn's Disease flare-up. CT scans, upper and lower GI series and biopsies all showed inflammation infiltration and abscesses everywhere except my small intestine, and new inflammation in my esophagus. I've had Crohn's for over 20 years, with a minor flare up every year typically when the season changes from summer to fall. And usually one major flare up requiring hospitalization every few years. This one was major. The pain was unbearable. I tried to handle it myself by water fasting for two weeks and a half weeks prior to calling my doctor, to give my gut a break from the digestion process, hoping the pain would subside to a tolerable level. I'm still water fasting, and have lost 15 pounds in the process. Without the water fasting, I'm sure the pain would be worse.
Prior to being hospitalized, I saw my PCP, who prescribed an antispasmotic, after I told her I don't want any narcotic pain medications. She told me to call her the next day if things didn't improve. I called her, told her things were worse, and she told me to go to the ER. So, I did. The pain was worse than child birth, and although that sounds dramatic, I've given birth with no pain medication, and despite the beauty of the birthing experience itself, the labor pains were barbaric. At least then, I was rewarded with wonderful babies!
So, in the ER on Thursday, I was first diagnosed with adrenal failure. No pain there...just blood pressure issues, exhaustion, and minor nausea and dizziness. I was initially diagnosed with this last year after fainting as the result of my blood pressure crashing to 62/40. Luckily, my face broke my fall on the tile floor, and resulted in just a broken nose, and some cuts and bruises. I stayed in the hospital that time for over three weeks, and left feeling like a million bucks, as my hormone issues were addressed. Incidentally, back then, my endocrinologist said that narcotics can cause this adrenal failure (as well as lactation in women who aren't breast feeding, which was the case). As an aside, I advise all women currently using narcotics or have a history of using them, to consult their physicians, and ask for a referral for an endocrinology work-up, as adrenal insufficiency and adrenal failure are very serious disorders, which can oftentimes be fatal.
The other diagnosis given in the hospital, the one that caused the physical pain, was Crohn's Disease. The last time I was in this much pain was 2008, when the US had a salmonella outbreak, which for me, triggered a Crohn's flare.
While in the hospital last week, I asked the ER docs for pain relief, specifically high doses of Advil (because it addresses inflammation). They said Advil could be the cause of some of the pain in the first place, since I've been taking it at least twice a day after stopping the oxys back in March. I told them that I had taken oxys for 3 years, and stopped in March, and it was very important to me that alternatives be considered. They seemed sensitive to this, I thought at the time. They gave me morphine through my IV. It felt so weird and uncomfortable that I shouted at them to "turn it off!" It was a scary feeling, but almost instantly stopped the pain.
Long story longer, they stopped the morphine and instead gave me hydrocodone for main pain relief, and oxycodone for "break through" pain relief. "They gave me..." sounds like I'm the victim here. I allowed them to give it to me and didn't shoo them away from injecting it into my IV. And I was relatively pain free (say a "4" on a scale of 1-10), which was a great baseline for me through this experience for the majority of my stay there). I felt guilty every time it was given to me, yet I requested it more than once ~ oxy or hydrocodone (which I had never taken before), I didn't care which, as long as it either eased or stopped the pain altogether.
Fast forward to the day after discharge (this past Saturday). I called my pharmacist, whose help I enlisted back in March when I decided to quit the oxys. She's very supportive and knowledgeable, and was so on-board with me quitting the oxys. I explained to her the deal with the adrenal crisis and Crohn's flare, and the fact that I was given two prescriptions for pain medications (hydrocodone and oxycodone) upon discharge yesterday. I asked her if this will get me in troubles. She encouraged me to wait a day to think about it and decide whether I wanted it filled. The pain was so bad that I waited 8 hours to decide. I needed them, and I filled them. And I've been taking them, albeit only PRN as opposed to every 4 hours as prescribed, and cutting them in half (they're 5 mg pills). I first try my hot water bottle, heating pad, hot baths, meditation, and continuing my water fast.
But I just can't shake this feeling of failure because it was my goal to never, ever take pain medications again. I told my PCP this almost two weeks ago when I saw her, and she said "Never say 'never'."
Oddly, I was discharged WITHOUT the usual steroid medication I take for Crohn's flare-ups (prednisone). That said, I don't know if that's because I was discharged with a different steroid for the adrenal failure. I've never been discharged with prescriptions for pain medications for a Crohn's flare before, as steroids reduce the inflammation, which is the root cause of the pain. In my opinion, pain medications for gut inflammation just mask the symptoms and offer just temporary relief from pain. A doctor's way to shut a patient up?
Sheesh, this is a long post. I have very mixed feelings about this. On the one hand, I don't like the way the oxys feel, and it's almost as if it's a little bit of a foreign feeling to me...as if I have some sort of emotional amnesia about having had a love affair with them in the past. On the other hand though, I'm not in pain and that sure does feel good. My plan is to go back to work by the end of the week, as long as the water fast continues to chill out my gut, and the steroids start to kick in. As it is right now though, I can't get out of bed other than to use the bathroom, as I remain light-headed and weak. I was able to shower today for the first time since SEPTEMBER 27th. Yes, 14 days ago! I know, I know, gross. I've taken sponge baths, and that's all I've had energy to do.
So, long story even longer, is this considered a relapse? Was all that work, almost seven months worth for nothing? Am I starting all over again? I was so proud of myself. Like I conquered the worst evil demon while climbing the highest peak in the world at the same time. Now I feel as though I should have stopped the doctors instead of just mentioning my preferences to them. I feel as though I should have refused the pain medication and just sucked it up. I should have pulled the IV out of my hand. I wouldn't have died from the pain, even though there were times when I wanted to. At one point early on I said that I didn't want to leave the hospital with ANY pain medication. And what did I do? I left with not one, but two prescriptions for pain medication. And I filled them both the next day.
I'm sorry this post is so long. I feel like a big failure.
Has anyone else experienced this before? How did you feel? How did you handle the feelings? What was it like? Any feedback would be much appreciated!
Thanks in advance for any help...Any help at all!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: NYC/NJ
Posts: 431
Check your motives. Only you know the answer. If you were taking it 100% just for pain relief, then no I wouldn't consider it a relapse. Ultimately, whatever you label it as means little. if you are not craving the meds and won't miss them at all when you no longer medically need them, then ur doing fine. if they're making u feel kinda good and there's even the slightest exitement that u r taking pain meds and not just a necessary medication or say an advil, then i'd be careful
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Of course..being cautious is always wise....
Sorry the pain was so severe.
I too have chronic health issues that occassionally require pain meds.
I use them for as short a time as possible and they have never gotten me high.
So....IMO you did not relapse If you begin useing them for any other reason then Yes! it would be a relapse.
Congratulations on your continueing clean time ..
Sorry the pain was so severe.
I too have chronic health issues that occassionally require pain meds.
I use them for as short a time as possible and they have never gotten me high.
So....IMO you did not relapse If you begin useing them for any other reason then Yes! it would be a relapse.
Congratulations on your continueing clean time ..
Member
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Colorado
Posts: 1,071
Tread carefully, but IMO you didn't relapse. I think relapse would look more like you taking the meds after you don't need them anymore. I'm sorry you've been so ill, and glad you're starting to heal.
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 68
You most definately did NOT mess anything up! Pain medications exist for a reason and that's why they're prescribed and used. Be aware that long term use of over the counter pain medications can in some cases be worse for your body than prescription medication.
Follow your doctor's directions and use the medication when you need to for pain.
Again, you did NOTHING wrong. Keep your chin up and I hope you feel better soon.
TM
Follow your doctor's directions and use the medication when you need to for pain.
Again, you did NOTHING wrong. Keep your chin up and I hope you feel better soon.
TM
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: My Own Headspace
Posts: 158
Ohmygawd....I just re-read that long and babbling post and now I'm embarrassed as all get out. But eh, what's a little embarrassment amongst friends? 
I took the pain meds for a purpose, used them as prescribed, they did their job for the most part, and when they were gone, I didn't want them again. I'm still in pain and what THAT gone, but I don't want the pills.
This post made me realize how little I still know about addiction, since I've been free of oxys for over seven months, after a three year love affair.
Much more work to do...
Thank you all.
I took the pain meds for a purpose, used them as prescribed, they did their job for the most part, and when they were gone, I didn't want them again. I'm still in pain and what THAT gone, but I don't want the pills.
This post made me realize how little I still know about addiction, since I've been free of oxys for over seven months, after a three year love affair.
Much more work to do...
Thank you all.
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