bigblues56

Hello,

I have been on one form of opiates or another for the past 16 years. I was injured as a Flight Attendant. I fractured my nose and jaw. Things went okay, until I had my first TMJ surgery in 1984, since then I have had a total of 40 surgeries. I had total TMJ joint replacemnts, the right fractured in my head, and I developed osteomylitis. Short end of the story, this just about took my life. I have had chronic muscle, nerve and bone pain ever since.

It took me a year to wean off of 200 mgs. of methadone to long acting morophine, I am now taking only 30 mgs of morophine. Next month is the big jump to zero. I could probably lengthen it out. But at this point, I figure the detox will be just as bad, if I continue to wean slowly. My pain management doctor will give me some comfort medications, clonodine patch, valium.

Has anybody done this at home? I heard that I will have flu like symptoms. I would greatly appreciate any feedback from anyone who has gone through this. Any idea how long this will last? A little scary, but I am sure that others have done this...

Many thanks,
In love and light,

Big blue eyes

sobersonja

I understand how scared you are about how you will be during and after detox,and I want to let you know I also have detoxed off of methadone and other prescribed and not prescribed high doses of opiates in a medical detox treatment center. It sounds like your doctor is going to help you with detoxing. I want to tell you that you can do this with support. You will be okay. I was so scared too, but after being uncomfortable for about two months I started feeling better. I also go to AA and N.A.meetings to be with others in recovery.I had trouble with sleepduring detox and still take a prescribed sleep medicine with melatonin. I would talk with your doctor if you are having trouble with sleep.My life is alot better now that it does'nt revolve around having to take opiates.You can do this! From a fellow big blue eyed friend. Keep in touch and let us know how you are doing.

bigblues56

Thank you sobersonja,

I really appreciate all the support. When I was first injured , all they had were narcotics. I was in such pain that I didn't turn them down...I can't tell you how weary I am of being a slave to them. I go to A. A. meetings also and that helps. I also see a therapist and that helps also. Being on SSD, I just can't do it in a treatment center. I know the drill, just not looking forward to it. I have done research saying that after a while the natural endorphins will eventually start to work again. Hopefully, the comfort medications will help...I do know what it is like, I medically detoxed after one of my surgeries.

This forum has been very beneficial and helped tremendously, as I see my Pain Management doctor on Monday, and they all go bye-bye.

I will keep you posted on how I am doing...

In love and light,

Big blue eyes...

Lovely days don't come to you,
you should walk to them...

Rumi

sobersonja

I know your right about treatment being too hard. I did'nt know what I got myself into LOL. It was so hard after a week of detox only.Then I had to survive 120 young people and all their drama! I went to Florida from Washington state.So there were way too many people and had to sit in ahard chair for 7 hrs. with only 10 min. breaks. Then 2 meetings in evening. I have fybromyalgia so I was so... glad when I finally got home. LOL! I had a hard time cognitively for a while.And now I take neurontin . Love your poem,Hang in there S.S.

bigblues56

Hello again Sober Sonja,

Love that name...isn't that we all want in the end...I have tried it all, neurontin, methadone, soma, my God I was a walking Zombie!! Had a port in my chest and trying to raise two young boys, with an %@^hole husband! He actually told me to wear sunglasses when I was going through reconstructive surgery....Been through treatment, got the t-shirt and would rather do it at home....I know what you mean about the meetings, I have fibro also, along with a long list of other stuff. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger...and I do believe that with every fiber of my being....I have the invisible injury, I had a great skull base team, who put me back together. So, I try my best to live with an attitude of gratitude. It brings you compassion and humility. And, for the grace of God, I am still here.

I think that it will be tough, but with the clonadine patches, and valium for the short run, it will be manageable. I have a great therapy dog, that never leaves my side when I am sick. I trained him myself, with the help of an awesome trainer. He always knows when I am sick...such a good boy.

I love your name sober sonja, I take hope in that. You just grow so weary of going to the pain management docs, they try to help, but they have never walked in your shoes....

I will let you know how Monday goes...d-day for me. I am scared but also know that I am a strong, and have been through this before.

Look up Rumi quotes, he is wonderful and so inspiring...I have a very tight support system...and thank God that I found this site....I am grateful for so many things....

In love and light,

Big blue eyes, they are actually grey, but that was already taken, lol...
Have a wonderful evening, and always look toward the horizon, yesterday is gone ....and enjoy the fleeting moments of today...

sobersonja

I had to laugh when you said,what does'nt kill you will make you stronger.I have been saying that for my whole life, lol. I tried to see if I could see a counselor.But can't afford $200.a visit.I really noticed a change in my energy and functioning ability since starting neurontin.I have not been going to meetings like I should and have missed church two sundys now. I will go to a AA meeting tonight cause I know that this is what happened last time I relapsed.I think I'll have to see the doctor again to try something else.Have you found something that works thats non-narcotic? I sure do not like to have to start a new drug and tapper off neurontin.I can't really afford Lierica.Oh well,life could be worse.I have 5 months and have been through this before and know the first year is a roller coaster ride so hang on and just don't drink or drug right? I wish you well on Monday. We can not think our way into a new way of living,but live our way into a new way of thinking...

bigblues56

Hi again, SoberSonja,

Congratulations on 5 mos! That is great...I had 13 years of sobriety before I got so sick. I am not so much afraid of the detox, been there, done that and got the t-shirt, lol...What frightens me most is the pain that I deal with on a daily basis. I have tried them all Neurontin, please don't try Lyrica...it is expensive and the side effects are not great. You might try Tramadol, it is a non-narcotic. I am like a walking pharmacist, with all the surgeries. I know my body and medical terminology very well. One thing that does help is medical marijauna, it was passed as legal last year. But, they are making it so hard for dispensarys to open. I never abused the meds. just physically dependant on them.

And, yes the first year is a roller coaster. Every emotion that you tried to stuff down with using comes out. I have been very fortunate, I enrolled in an intensive out-patient program for people with emotional issues as well as chronic pain. I did that for over 5 mos. and then started therapy, with a woman that does EMDR, to deal with all the past traumas that I have had in my life. So, I go to A.A. , therapy, and write a hell of a lot in my journal. I do try to keep an attitude of gratitude. Do you have insurance? I am so in debt with doctor bills, but to me it was worth it.

So, good to hear from you again. I will leave you with another quote of mine...If you can shape it in your mind, you can find it in your life...

Should be interesting on Monday, I can delay the ineveitable, and go down to 15 mgs, then 7.5, but the end is the same. So, I thought what the hell, I might as well just jump, I don't think it will be any easier going down lower.

Take care my friend,
In love and light,

Big blue eyes

sobersonja

Wow, there is no way I could have taken meds for years and not have to take more and more.Thats what is a bummer about them,you can build up a tolerance to them. I'm sure you know . You decided to slowly taper off methadone. That drug has made me so sick a few times and now that I'm older it messed with my blood pressure,scary.Did they legalize pot in Arizona? Yea,having smoked it all my life,I do know it is really good for nausea.people who have cancer would benefit.And alot of other good benefits.But I can't touch any mood altering drug or here we go again.They would legalize it here now after all the years I've had to be sneaky haha.I hope the younger people won't cause more wrecks now.Yea I've heard not so great stories about Lyrica and one more from you so I won't be trying that.I have insurance, but the new year deductable has to be paid again before my prescriptions are cheaper.And specialty doctors. So I hear you saying you don't have an addiction am I right? I do understand about dealing with pain without pain meds. I did'nt realize how much pain I really was in until I got clean. I to try to be grateful.I really am grateful for so many things.Before this last relapse I had 4 years.I also did some work on myself. I did'nt have good medical coverage then so I went to the crises center where they were doing trauma classes for free. I went to two groups one after the other. And the 12 steps of AA with a sponsor. It was not easy in the first year of recovery but it has changed me alot.No more rage,high anxiety,etc...The twelve steps set me free.I have never felt such peace.Then life happens you know the rest I'm sure.And here I am struggling again to get back on track.This last relapse was five years. Pretty sick too . Thanks for giving me a place to go for poems.When the going gets tough the tough get going.Take care

bigblues56

Good Morning, S. Sonja,

“Love is not a thing to understand.
Love is not a thing to feel.
Love is not a thing to give and receive.
Love is a thing only to become and eternally Be. “

To your question, am I addicted to pain medication, don't really know the answer to that one. I know that I am physically dependent on them. I didn't start taking those nasty things, just to get a buzz. They started with the surgeries. The damage was pretty bad, and that is all they had to offer. I stay away from drinking...and am a total lightweight with medical marijuana...I smoke enough so my muscles relax and I can eat something...Now , it is the challenge of getting enough money together to get a card and an exam by one of the state doctors...so close to $300.00.

Sounds like you have had a lot of trauma in your past also, most of us do...we don't just decide one day, that we want to become addicts...lol...I used to tell my sisters when they were giving me a hard time about being on drugs after I had my face dismantled...yeah, when I was a little girl, I used to dream about being a drug addict and living in hell...

At this point in my life, I really don't give a damn what other people say about me, especially my family of origin. I tried for years to make them understand, and they made the choice to stay ignorant...We all have choices. It sounds like you you are struggling, anytime you need to talk , I will listen. My journey has not been easy, but I also feel that it has made me who I am today.

So stay strong, and please reach out if you need anything...

In love and light,

bb eyes...

sobersonja

Well, today is a beautiful sunny day finally. We have'nt got much snow this year,but lots a rain.So when it's sunny out it makes me feel happier. I think there's truth to the seasonal depression when there is little to no sunshine. I added my clean time wrong. So I'll have seven months on the ninth. I must have been in a fog again haha. I think maybe your like some people I take care of as a caregiver.I have a NAC licence. One of them has a script for methadone pot and valium. And I have taken care of him for six years.He is my ex also So I've known him 29 years.Anyway,to this day being on those meds for the last 10 years he does not abuse them. And only smokes pot at bed time.Of course I don't take care of him now. I acually need to find work again, but this fog I'm in is making it hard.I hope you don'y mind if I ask this question.You go to AA you said,and I'm curious why.Is there something there that helps you? It sounds like you are not addicted to anything which is great. Please don't take what I say wrong.I really do not mean it that way. I'm just curious.I think the principles of AA are good way to live by.Idid'nt go to a meeting like I said and I am thinking thoughts of calling someone to be out of pain for once.I just get so tired of the pain,you know? Well I'm burning daylight and need to get out of this house for once!haha.Thanks for being a friend to talk to . I wish you well as always and have a great day. ss

sobersonja

Hey BB56, I just wanted to drop you a post to see how you are doing. I hope you are doing okay.I do understand you being physically dependent on the pain meds you take. I hope you'll forgive me cause sometimes I'm a little slow thinking on this stupid medicine.The reason I say that is because of the questions I've asked you regarding if your addicted and why you are going to AA meetings. When I read your past posts then I really don't have any reason to ask you those questions cause I understand now.Of course your physically dependent on them.And you went to an out-patient program so you would have probably been to AA meetings. Some treatment programs don't talk about hp or 12 steps. So I'm assuming that of course. Anyway,The only reason I had asked about AA is because I was just curios why you were going to them.So, what kind of dog do you have for comfort? I love animals alot. I cried and sobbed when I had to put down my seven toed cat named seirra.I had her 4 years and some ******* threw a rock at her and injured her spine.She could open cubbards with her paws,and was a great mouser.I taught her to play fetch,she was so smart.I lived in Tucson,Arizona for 4 years when I was 9-13 years old. I loved Sabino canyons with the 7 waterfalls. I would love to retire there cause the heat is so good for copd and arthritis.But then I would really miss Washingtons fresh air,all the wildlife and trees everywhere.Plus beautiful snowy winters. ,:codiepolice well,take care,ss

bigblues56

I trust that everything happens for a reason, even when we're not wise enough to see it."

Hi S. Sonja,

Sorry it has taken me so long to get back to you. I had facet injections done on the right side of my neck on Thursday. All my veins are shot in my arms and hands from all the surgeries. Damn, the medical assitant stuck me five times in my hand, finally I said, just get someone else and go into my foot. Facet injections are steroids and lidocaine, that go in between your joint spaces. Saw my pain management doctor on Monday, she did not lower my opiates, I was in to much pain and also on stress overload. I live with my Mother, my Dad passed almost two and half years ago. My Mom and I have never had an easy relationship, as she refers to me as her "difficult" child. So, on Sunday she said that we couldn't live together anymore and promptly called my middle sister, the sweet one as she calls her. So , Monday my middle sister comes over , she is the peacemaker in the family. Sorry, I am just venting here...So, nothing was really accomplished, my sister said I have a huge chip on my shoulder, and my Mom just sat there, she is a queen when it comes to passive agressive behavior. I know that they (my family of origin) will never understand my injury or my emotional issues. It is much easier for them to make me the scapegoat...I have held that title for a long time now.

As, for your questions, I was sober for almost 13 years, my father was a functioning alcoholic, and I got lucky and got that gene. I am not suppossed to drink on my meds, and for almost 10 years following my divorce , I did drink. So that is why I go to AA meetings. I was introduced into AA when I went into treatment for childhood sexual abuse. So, I have done it all, I was a cutter, anorexic, men, anything to punish myself. Stopped the cutting years ago. When I am really stressed , I lose my appetite, another left over from the eating disorder. I called a Stephen Minister, when I first moved in, my mother had her over to lay down some type of rules. Her name is Barb, she is a retired nurse, and said that I need to get away from my family, that they are all toxic. She is surprised that I haven't picked up a drink. And that I haven't over medicated. So, I don't know what the hell I am , I just usually say addict/alcoholic, pretty sums up the mess.

I have a Minature Schnauzer, his name is Cooper Anderson. He has been my constant companion for 7 years now. He is smart, loving and never leaves my side when I am not feeling well. I have balance issues, and he will nudge me with his nose if he thinks I am going to fall. I think that I prefer animals over humans, they love unconditionally, and don't judge you. Sounds like you know that. I had always had big dogs before that, Border Collies, Australian Shepards. I threw out all my pills in Oct. of 2005, had a seizure, when I came to , called 911 and the paramedics didn't lock my door. I was fostering an Akita/Lab mix , named Sasha also. Phoenix was my aussies name, and he could open doors also, so they followed the ambulance and Phoenix was hit by a car and killed. That just about did me in. So, I sold my house and got Cooper about 5 mos. later. By the grace of God, that little guy has kept me alive for the past 7 years, a reason to get up in the morning...

So, that is some of my story...Hopefully, that answers some of your questions. When people ask me what happened, I usually reply that I am a broken survivor...doing my best to become a thriver. The outpatient program was not based on AA principles, it was based on DBT therapy, and then I went into private therapy for EMDR. I am also an empath...just google them. They are to hard to explain in a few short sentences. Hope you are having an easier time than I am right now...I am struggling.

Take care,
b blue eyes

sobersonja

I really appreciate the story you have told me of your life,thankyou.It sounds like you have endured plenty of trauma in your life, and I'm very sorry you did.The injury to your face and head sounds very painful.I would not be able to handle pain meds like you,if I had the pain your in. I've been struggling with this fybromyalgia and arthritis which I have'nt had to feel when using all those years. I have always been high strung and worked in a nursing home 3 years.SO I've beat this 5 feet 3"body up.Not high strung anymore and my high anxiety is gone.I quit taking effexor Igot in treatment and so far so good. I did get Tramadol recently after you reminded me I used to take it. And flexerel for my cramped shoulder and legs.I really need to get more exercise,can't wait til spring! So I have had a little bit of therapy,the crisis center twice.But thats pretty much it.I figured out I had PTSD for so many years which is why I did all kinds of drugs.Tried to quit,but could'nt live life on life terms at all.I was sexually abused also,which is why I was all ****** up all these years.But you know I decided to run from looking at it until all these feelings came out(like you said) when I was sober for the first time at age 43.I did so much healing while sober through the working on 12 steps in AA .I believe in GOD as my HP.I had a release from all the pain I was feeling about the sexual abuse when I told GOD finally how truly and deeply I felt broken...I felt this beautiful peaceful feeling and fell asleep. When i woke up I felt so different.Like really happy,joyess and free. I realized that GOD is my real father with so much love for me. And I've also forgave my real dad. So,I really think I've worked through alot of issues through AA 12 steps. So this time I'm finding it hard to get back to a close relation with GOD. I have too many things to distract me. But you know my life will seriously be in trouble if I get back into the pills again. I had such a high tolerance, that when I drink and take pills 24-7 except when I took ambien and slept and woke all the time with my cigs burning the floor or my covers. I fell asleep once and woke up falling,hit a hard wood tv tray and fractured my back ribs. Anyway I guess I started to ramble on, I'm sorry. I have'nt been out much to socialize,not at all to tell the truth. So I should get my ass to a AA meeting on tuesday womens group.It's been two weeks since I've hit a meeting, scary huh? I'm really sorry you are struggling.I also was the scapegoat in my family. My dad was alcoholic also.And killed himself when I was 19.We have some things in common. I have also lived with my mom,and we have had a hard time getting along so I feel for you being at her house,and her rules I bet. My mom hit buttons which made me feel like a child again and those feeling that go with it right?Bummer! All I ca say is do what you know to survive cause honey WE ARE SURVIVERS!! Don't know no poem to leave with you.But I've always liked We can't think our way into a new way of living, but live our way into a new way of thinking.With love and peace I send to you through these words,but hope you will feel it inside. take care,,,soersonja