My Journey, Step 5
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 253
My Journey, Step 5
Catspajamas writes: Step Five does not ask us to do anything about our past actions; for now all we are asked is to face them squarely and admit them to ourselves as fact….
As I work these steps I wonder how they are helping me. I know they are because my wife is in bed; she doesn't have the strength to sit up and, while I am concerned, I seem to have a lot of time on my hands to read all the posts from others and reflect on these study steps.
Maybe that is what this is all about. If all these stories and all these questions make me look within myself rather than the chaotic life I have endured, then it is doing what it's suppose to do.
You know that old saying: Be careful what you wish for. I've been reflecting on the first 4 steps every day, especially about the part of giving it up to a higher power or God (which I noticed that I'm ok with asking God for help now) and suddenly my wife is to sick to drink. I'm sad she is in pain and it's only a matter of days before I need to take her back to the hospital but today, I'm dealing with her pain and illness, not the alcohol talking.
Step 5 - Admitted to God, ourselves and another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
As we prepare to admit our faults, we can begin by asking ourselves the following questions or use them for a group discussion:
If I have completed my Fourth Step inventory, how do I feel about sharing details of my past with another person?
Strangely enough I am at peace with sharing. I say that because I'm inherently a private person. But I think when I have been beat down as completely as I have with the consequences of her alcoholism, I am willing to do anything and if that means baring my soul to friends here at SR and the whole world of the Internet.....then so be it.
In what areas of my past am I willing to be completely honest?
Probably whatever is necessary.
What are some of the advantages I might get from admitting my faults?
Well, if I admit my faults then I no longer have control...or, more precisely, they don't have control over me.
Do I understand the healing relief that honestly admitting my faults can bring?
Yes, it's a catharsis of sorts. I mean, if I let them go, my mind and soul has less toxic things cluttering me up.
What expectations do I have about how I should feel or what I should experience when I admit my faults?
I'm not sure although I remember telling people in a previous occupation: "If you tell the truth, you'll feel better."
Am I ready to let these expectations go and allow the God of my understanding to determine the best results for me? How do I know?
Yes, when I no longer experience "dispair"
As I work these steps I wonder how they are helping me. I know they are because my wife is in bed; she doesn't have the strength to sit up and, while I am concerned, I seem to have a lot of time on my hands to read all the posts from others and reflect on these study steps.
Maybe that is what this is all about. If all these stories and all these questions make me look within myself rather than the chaotic life I have endured, then it is doing what it's suppose to do.
You know that old saying: Be careful what you wish for. I've been reflecting on the first 4 steps every day, especially about the part of giving it up to a higher power or God (which I noticed that I'm ok with asking God for help now) and suddenly my wife is to sick to drink. I'm sad she is in pain and it's only a matter of days before I need to take her back to the hospital but today, I'm dealing with her pain and illness, not the alcohol talking.
Step 5 - Admitted to God, ourselves and another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
As we prepare to admit our faults, we can begin by asking ourselves the following questions or use them for a group discussion:
If I have completed my Fourth Step inventory, how do I feel about sharing details of my past with another person?
Strangely enough I am at peace with sharing. I say that because I'm inherently a private person. But I think when I have been beat down as completely as I have with the consequences of her alcoholism, I am willing to do anything and if that means baring my soul to friends here at SR and the whole world of the Internet.....then so be it.
In what areas of my past am I willing to be completely honest?
Probably whatever is necessary.
What are some of the advantages I might get from admitting my faults?
Well, if I admit my faults then I no longer have control...or, more precisely, they don't have control over me.
Do I understand the healing relief that honestly admitting my faults can bring?
Yes, it's a catharsis of sorts. I mean, if I let them go, my mind and soul has less toxic things cluttering me up.
What expectations do I have about how I should feel or what I should experience when I admit my faults?
I'm not sure although I remember telling people in a previous occupation: "If you tell the truth, you'll feel better."
Am I ready to let these expectations go and allow the God of my understanding to determine the best results for me? How do I know?
Yes, when I no longer experience "dispair"
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 253
Amy27 posted this ( http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...teristics.html ) and I need to put it here in my study area to keep referring to. It does put this whole codependency issue in perspective.
Patterns and Characteristics© of Codependence
These patterns and characteristics are offered as a tool to aid in self-evaluation. They may be particularly helpful to newcomers.
Denial Patterns:
I have difficulty identifying what I am feeling.
I minimize, alter or deny how I truly feel.
I perceive myself as completely unselfish and dedicated to the well being of others.
Low Self Esteem Patterns:
I have difficulty making decisions.
I judge everything I think, say or do harshly, as never "good enough."
I am embarrassed to receive recognition and praise or gifts.
I do not ask others to meet my needs or desires.
I value others' approval of my thinking, feelings and behaviour over my own.
I am embarrassed to receive recognition and praise or gifts.
Compliance Patterns:
I compromise my own values and integrity to avoid rejection or others' anger.
I am very sensitive to how others are feeling and feel the same.
I am extremely loyal, remaining in harmful situations too long.
I value others' opinions and feelings more than my own and am afraid to express differing opinions and feelings of my own.
I put aside my own interests and hobbies in order to do what others want.
I accept sex when I want love.
Control Patterns:
I believe most other people are incapable of taking care of themselves.
I attempt to convince others of what they "should" think and how they "truly" feel.
I become resentful when others will not let me help them.
I freely offer others advice and directions without being asked.
I lavish gifts and favours on those I care about.
I use sex to gain approval and acceptance.
I have to be "needed" in order to have a relationship with others.
Copyright © 2010 Co-Dependents Anonymous, Inc. and its licensors -All Rights Reserved
Patterns and Characteristics© of Codependence
These patterns and characteristics are offered as a tool to aid in self-evaluation. They may be particularly helpful to newcomers.
Denial Patterns:
I have difficulty identifying what I am feeling.
I minimize, alter or deny how I truly feel.
I perceive myself as completely unselfish and dedicated to the well being of others.
Low Self Esteem Patterns:
I have difficulty making decisions.
I judge everything I think, say or do harshly, as never "good enough."
I am embarrassed to receive recognition and praise or gifts.
I do not ask others to meet my needs or desires.
I value others' approval of my thinking, feelings and behaviour over my own.
I am embarrassed to receive recognition and praise or gifts.
Compliance Patterns:
I compromise my own values and integrity to avoid rejection or others' anger.
I am very sensitive to how others are feeling and feel the same.
I am extremely loyal, remaining in harmful situations too long.
I value others' opinions and feelings more than my own and am afraid to express differing opinions and feelings of my own.
I put aside my own interests and hobbies in order to do what others want.
I accept sex when I want love.
Control Patterns:
I believe most other people are incapable of taking care of themselves.
I attempt to convince others of what they "should" think and how they "truly" feel.
I become resentful when others will not let me help them.
I freely offer others advice and directions without being asked.
I lavish gifts and favours on those I care about.
I use sex to gain approval and acceptance.
I have to be "needed" in order to have a relationship with others.
Copyright © 2010 Co-Dependents Anonymous, Inc. and its licensors -All Rights Reserved
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 253
Writing the answers to these questions is easy since I'm committed to the process. What is harder is going back and reflecting on why I wrote these answers.
If I do not feel ready to do this step, do I need to do more work on Steps One through Four?
No....I reread the prior steps every day.
Would I be willing to group my inventory into things I could admit, things I might admit, and things I think, “No Way! I’ll never be able to do that,” and then start with the “could” list?
I think I can admit anything and everything because, while I am feeling sad and frustrated, I am not feeling ashamed.
Am I afraid to admit my faults to my Higher Power? Why?
No....because my higher power is not judgemental.
Who in the program could I call to discuss my fears about God?
I don't have any fears about God. I believe in the following poem:
The Footprints Prayer
One night I had a dream...
I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord, and
Across the sky flashed scenes from my life.
For each scene I noticed two sets of footprints in the sand;
One belonged to me, and the other to the Lord.
When the last scene of my life flashed before us,
I looked back at the footprints in the sand.
I noticed that many times along the path of my life,
There was only one set of footprints.
I also noticed that it happened at the very lowest
and saddest times in my life
This really bothered me, and I questioned the Lord about it.
"Lord, you said that once I decided to follow you,
You would walk with me all the way;
But I have noticed that during the most troublesome times in my life,
There is only one set of footprints.
I don't understand why in times when I
needed you the most, you should leave me.
The Lord replied, "My precious, precious
child. I love you, and I would never,
never leave you during your times of
trial and suffering.
When you saw only one set of footprints,
It was then that I carried you
Copyright © 1984 Mary Stevenson, from original 1936 text, All rights reserved
Could I make a list of my fears and turn them over? What are my fears?
I fear that I will lose my wife to alcohol and death.
I fear I am not doing the right things for my wife.
I fear being alone.
I fear the unknown
If I do not feel ready to do this step, do I need to do more work on Steps One through Four?
No....I reread the prior steps every day.
Would I be willing to group my inventory into things I could admit, things I might admit, and things I think, “No Way! I’ll never be able to do that,” and then start with the “could” list?
I think I can admit anything and everything because, while I am feeling sad and frustrated, I am not feeling ashamed.
Am I afraid to admit my faults to my Higher Power? Why?
No....because my higher power is not judgemental.
Who in the program could I call to discuss my fears about God?
I don't have any fears about God. I believe in the following poem:
The Footprints Prayer
One night I had a dream...
I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord, and
Across the sky flashed scenes from my life.
For each scene I noticed two sets of footprints in the sand;
One belonged to me, and the other to the Lord.
When the last scene of my life flashed before us,
I looked back at the footprints in the sand.
I noticed that many times along the path of my life,
There was only one set of footprints.
I also noticed that it happened at the very lowest
and saddest times in my life
This really bothered me, and I questioned the Lord about it.
"Lord, you said that once I decided to follow you,
You would walk with me all the way;
But I have noticed that during the most troublesome times in my life,
There is only one set of footprints.
I don't understand why in times when I
needed you the most, you should leave me.
The Lord replied, "My precious, precious
child. I love you, and I would never,
never leave you during your times of
trial and suffering.
When you saw only one set of footprints,
It was then that I carried you
Copyright © 1984 Mary Stevenson, from original 1936 text, All rights reserved
Could I make a list of my fears and turn them over? What are my fears?
I fear that I will lose my wife to alcohol and death.
I fear I am not doing the right things for my wife.
I fear being alone.
I fear the unknown
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 253
Letting go is something I have never done in my life yet letting go is what is saving my life now. As I read all the posts from those who are suffering because of alcohol destroying their families, I am heartbroken for them. But I also realize that if we all stay here at SR and share with each other, then we will be able to climb out of this deep hole of despair and see our light. There was a time when I would not have come here or listened to what all these wonderful people had to say. Like the alcoholic, I had to hit bottom before I was able to let go. My bottom was the realization that I was losing who I was in my attempts to save my wife. Answering these questions and reflecting on my answers is not easy...but doing both is very necessary.
How can admitting my faults to the God of my understanding help me?
I think admitting my faults is the means of letting go of control. If I admit my faults then I no longer have to make excusess for them. Letting go to my higher power works because my higher power will not judge me because of my faults. People may judge my faults but my higher power does not.
Can I concede that I am not perfect? How can I quit trying to be?
Yes...by not trying to change others, by not wanting to be right, by accepting what others are trying to teach me....by letting go.
How do I try to excuse myself from harms I may have done?
By not holding them up to the light and looking at them. By not admitting them. By making excuses for my behaviour.
With whom will I share my Fifth Step? What qualities make me choose this person? Do I trust him or her?
Those who choose to read what I write. Empathy. If they are here honestly at SR, then I have to trust their experiences and honesty. Maybe that is what this is all about. When one has been abused as much as I have, trust is a difficult thing to accept. But I honestly trust the people here. I have to.
How can admitting my faults to the God of my understanding help me?
I think admitting my faults is the means of letting go of control. If I admit my faults then I no longer have to make excusess for them. Letting go to my higher power works because my higher power will not judge me because of my faults. People may judge my faults but my higher power does not.
Can I concede that I am not perfect? How can I quit trying to be?
Yes...by not trying to change others, by not wanting to be right, by accepting what others are trying to teach me....by letting go.
How do I try to excuse myself from harms I may have done?
By not holding them up to the light and looking at them. By not admitting them. By making excuses for my behaviour.
With whom will I share my Fifth Step? What qualities make me choose this person? Do I trust him or her?
Those who choose to read what I write. Empathy. If they are here honestly at SR, then I have to trust their experiences and honesty. Maybe that is what this is all about. When one has been abused as much as I have, trust is a difficult thing to accept. But I honestly trust the people here. I have to.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 253
Some days are good, some days are bad....then there are days like today when I wonder if her body will survive another day. I know what it feels like to give up and wait for the end. Thankfully my daughter is the reason I live. But why does she refuse to live for the children. Alcohol is a thief....it robs the whole family
Do I have any of those qualities myself? Did I list them under my assets?
Today....I don't know.
What may block me from trusting someone with my truth? Can I share these fears with another person?
Having a bad day, otherwise trust comes easy to those that earn it. My thinking is, after reading a lot of the posts here at SR, everyone here has earned my trust because they have walked in my shoes.
How does my desire to be perfect block me from believing someone could love me unconditionally, even after hearing my Fifth Step?
I'm losing my desire to be perfect. I don't want to be perfect. I never want to be perfect. I just want alcohol to give me my wife back.
How can telling someone else the exact nature of my wrongs enhance my ability to see myself?
I guess the other person should not have a reason to lie to me whereas I may have the tendency to rationalize my "wrongs". I mean, who wants to be wrong?
How have I isolated myself? Do I believe that sharing with another person can lead to relief from isolation?
Maybe I have. Taking care of a critical ill alcoholic is a 24/7 job.....dammit.
What is the one thing I don’t want to tell another person? Can I start there?
That I am afraid. Yes
Can being honest and admitting a mistake have positive consequences? What are they?
Yes
Can I remember when another person admitted a fault or mistake to me and I understood and didn’t judge?
In doing this Fifth Step, what have I learned about the exact nature of my wrongs?
What have I learned about fear? Honesty? Trust? Acceptance?
How did I feel after sharing with God? Admitting to myself? Sharing with another person?
What, if anything, have I left out? If I have completed Step Five, what am I feeling? Is anything different? Better?
I'm not doing to well today with my step study. I think I am just very tired and worn out. I'll come back to this in a day or two. I promise. I've come to far to stop now.
Do I have any of those qualities myself? Did I list them under my assets?
Today....I don't know.
What may block me from trusting someone with my truth? Can I share these fears with another person?
Having a bad day, otherwise trust comes easy to those that earn it. My thinking is, after reading a lot of the posts here at SR, everyone here has earned my trust because they have walked in my shoes.
How does my desire to be perfect block me from believing someone could love me unconditionally, even after hearing my Fifth Step?
I'm losing my desire to be perfect. I don't want to be perfect. I never want to be perfect. I just want alcohol to give me my wife back.
How can telling someone else the exact nature of my wrongs enhance my ability to see myself?
I guess the other person should not have a reason to lie to me whereas I may have the tendency to rationalize my "wrongs". I mean, who wants to be wrong?
How have I isolated myself? Do I believe that sharing with another person can lead to relief from isolation?
Maybe I have. Taking care of a critical ill alcoholic is a 24/7 job.....dammit.
What is the one thing I don’t want to tell another person? Can I start there?
That I am afraid. Yes
Can being honest and admitting a mistake have positive consequences? What are they?
Yes
Can I remember when another person admitted a fault or mistake to me and I understood and didn’t judge?
In doing this Fifth Step, what have I learned about the exact nature of my wrongs?
What have I learned about fear? Honesty? Trust? Acceptance?
How did I feel after sharing with God? Admitting to myself? Sharing with another person?
What, if anything, have I left out? If I have completed Step Five, what am I feeling? Is anything different? Better?
I'm not doing to well today with my step study. I think I am just very tired and worn out. I'll come back to this in a day or two. I promise. I've come to far to stop now.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 253
There is something very empowering about letting go. I am learning that letting go is not the same as not caring. I didn't realize that a month ago.
Can I remember when another person admitted a fault or mistake to me and I understood and didn’t judge?
Yes....my daughter. Took a while but we have a great relationship today because of it.
In doing this Fifth Step, what have I learned about the exact nature of my wrongs?
To let them go
What have I learned about fear? Honesty? Trust? Acceptance?
I can talk about my fears. I am honest. I'm working on trust. I accept what I am powerless to change.
How did I feel after sharing with God? Admitting to myself? Sharing with another person?
Peace and calmness
What, if anything, have I left out? If I have completed Step Five, what am I feeling? Is anything different? Better?
I can look out the window at nature and know in my heart that when she dies I did all I could to make her life a happy one with respect to me. I was powerless to do anything else.
Can I remember when another person admitted a fault or mistake to me and I understood and didn’t judge?
Yes....my daughter. Took a while but we have a great relationship today because of it.
In doing this Fifth Step, what have I learned about the exact nature of my wrongs?
To let them go
What have I learned about fear? Honesty? Trust? Acceptance?
I can talk about my fears. I am honest. I'm working on trust. I accept what I am powerless to change.
How did I feel after sharing with God? Admitting to myself? Sharing with another person?
Peace and calmness
What, if anything, have I left out? If I have completed Step Five, what am I feeling? Is anything different? Better?
I can look out the window at nature and know in my heart that when she dies I did all I could to make her life a happy one with respect to me. I was powerless to do anything else.
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