Confused. what to do about my brother on holiday
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Join Date: Nov 2020
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Confused. what to do about my brother on holiday
My brother has been an alcoholic for many years. We try to ignore it as a family but it is like a festering sore that never goes away. Each year around this time something occurs, it might be him lashing out at a flatmate or friend online, sending very abusive messages for a perceived slight or my parents getting a phone call from a concerned person during a episode of his anger. He has manipulated us to the point where we cannot talk openly about anything with him and tip toe around him. In the last two years or so his weight has spiked dramatically, he is shakey and sweaty and extremely irritable towards us over minor things. We have been telling ourselves that his weight gain and sweating etc must be due to the antidepressant medication he is on. Underneath I knew it was the alcohol but he has manipulated us into thinking he is ‘stone cold sober’ and attending meetings etc. A few days ago my brother sent me messages reprimanding me for something I had done that day that had displeased him. They were irrational and threatening. I felt shaken up by these as I have a young baby and they were late at night. My mother who is very codependent on him has organised a family holiday before xmas. It was don’t with the best intentions- as a way of bonding as the birth of my son is a big deal for us. My child has become a reason for our family to try to heal but I know that my brother is still in the midst of a very serious addiction that he won’t admit to. After his late night messages I told him that I knew he was using again. He responded with a torrent of abusive messages, blaming me and calling me evil etc. I am not sure what to do, as I do not want to be around my brother, but I feel like I am responsible for hurting our family by not agreeing to attend the family holiday
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
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Please stay home, and take a stand against the entire family's tradition swirling around your brother's chaos.
Your brother is the one the hurting the family. If anyone else tells you differently, then they do not have your best interests, or that of your newborn son, at heart. They are as deep in denial as he is, and that is not healthy for you and your growing family.
Your brother is the one the hurting the family. If anyone else tells you differently, then they do not have your best interests, or that of your newborn son, at heart. They are as deep in denial as he is, and that is not healthy for you and your growing family.
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Bird, you are not responsible for how any other member of your family feels or reacts. Adults are in charge of themselves and their own feelings and reactions. At least they should be.
I'm sorry you are feeling so much turmoil at a time that should be very special and precious for your family. Unfortunately when there is an addicted loved one in the picture, it always detracts from the blessings.
Your brother is sick, either with addiction or mental illness.. or both. Very often those two maladies go hand in hand, more often than not really. You are entitled to protect yourself from the irrational behavior and verbal abuse that comes from him, you are even more obligated to protect your child from his tirades. You don't have to explain yourself or make excuses or cave into what your family "demands"... your state of mind matters, your safety and comfort matter, you matter... your brother is not the only family member that should matter. Each individual matters, and the family is made up of many people, but that doesn't mean we give up our individual needs to appease the masses. As much as we would all like to believe that babies are the magic that will heal a family, they are not, if they were none of us would be here at SRF&F. That does not mean a family cannot heal, because of course they can!... As long as the dysfunctions of addiction and codependence are present, that healing can not happen.
You have heightened instincts now that you are a mother, I hope you honor yourself and your son by abiding by them. You and your child deserve a peaceful, drama free holiday (and life!).
I'm sorry you are feeling so much turmoil at a time that should be very special and precious for your family. Unfortunately when there is an addicted loved one in the picture, it always detracts from the blessings.
Your brother is sick, either with addiction or mental illness.. or both. Very often those two maladies go hand in hand, more often than not really. You are entitled to protect yourself from the irrational behavior and verbal abuse that comes from him, you are even more obligated to protect your child from his tirades. You don't have to explain yourself or make excuses or cave into what your family "demands"... your state of mind matters, your safety and comfort matter, you matter... your brother is not the only family member that should matter. Each individual matters, and the family is made up of many people, but that doesn't mean we give up our individual needs to appease the masses. As much as we would all like to believe that babies are the magic that will heal a family, they are not, if they were none of us would be here at SRF&F. That does not mean a family cannot heal, because of course they can!... As long as the dysfunctions of addiction and codependence are present, that healing can not happen.
You have heightened instincts now that you are a mother, I hope you honor yourself and your son by abiding by them. You and your child deserve a peaceful, drama free holiday (and life!).
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I posted on your other thread.
Welcome to SR, birdinthenight. I am sorry you are dealing with this. I'm sure it's very upsetting, but in my mind, your first priority is the welfare of your son and yourself. You are not responsible for the feelings of your family. If they are willing to allow your brother, in spite of his addiction and abusive treatment toward you, to be included in this family holiday, that is their right, but you do not have to be a part of it. It would be nice if they understood where you are coming from, but if they don't, you still need to do what you feel is best for you and your child. (((HUGS)))
Welcome to SR, birdinthenight. I am sorry you are dealing with this. I'm sure it's very upsetting, but in my mind, your first priority is the welfare of your son and yourself. You are not responsible for the feelings of your family. If they are willing to allow your brother, in spite of his addiction and abusive treatment toward you, to be included in this family holiday, that is their right, but you do not have to be a part of it. It would be nice if they understood where you are coming from, but if they don't, you still need to do what you feel is best for you and your child. (((HUGS)))
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Join Date: Nov 2020
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Thanks you all so much for your insightful and comforting responses. I am so glad I found this website. My brother has continued to send me messages today saying stuff like ‘you have destroyed the family’. I realise now after all these years that he is gaslighting and it’s part of a pattern and it’s easy to not realise it’s happening when you’re in the midst of it. I love him so much but I feel like his former self is hardly even there anymore. He’s wearing a mask and he almost believes his lies to be truth. I will stick to my guns. My parents are going to try to also. It is hard as we feel like we are abandoning him before the holidays. Is there anything you recommended we say to him? Or do? We have told him we think he needs rehab/psychotherapy etc etc over and over again. For my mother it’s especially hard as she relies on hearing from him to feel well. Thanks so much.
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There is nothing you can say to him to change his behavior, but I do recommend that your mother deal with reliance on hearing from him to ‘feel well.’ It is in fact having the opposite effect on her, though she has convinced herself otherwise.
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Join Date: Aug 2020
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I can't help but echo everything everyone else has said. I'm coming at it from two angles: my father and sister were both alcoholics and drug addicts. They are both now in recovery, and that recovery has entailed loads of therapy, medication for anxiety and depression, sobriety, meetings, spirituality, honesty, etc. Basically, my dad gave up a super successful business because he couldn't stop buying drugs from the guy up the street and my sister became a mother. Not that either of those things guarantee sober success (trust me, both have been "dry drunks" before their therapy) but they made BIG changes and stepped into the unknown.
Your brother sounds like his path is no different than when he was using (I believe you that he's using now) -- and that is reason enough to hold the boundary of not going to the family get-together. There is nothing but his word and your mother's hopes that give any indication that he's not using, and that's not something you need to subject yourself to. My dad came drunk to so many of my kids' birthday parties before he was in recovery (he relapsed constantly for decades) and it still hurts. I don't hold it against him, but it hurts. You don't need to do that to yourself. A baby is such a beautiful time but also a time of needing to do for YOU (as his mother) what you need. Our culture doesn't give mothers the mental, emotional, and physical space and rest and support they need to care for the changes in their own bodies and lives as they take on motherhood. Grant yourself the space to find peace. You deserve it SO much. It'll feel weird not to see your family at this event, to stay home - cognitive dissonance (doing and believing two different things) - but that weird shows that you're doing something that's going to lead to changes in YOUR life. Not the same old, same old. Trust me, I speak from experience...I'm going through hell with my husband right now and I stink at taking my own advice. I'm praying for you. This is so hard. Concentrate on yourself as a mother. You come first.
Your brother sounds like his path is no different than when he was using (I believe you that he's using now) -- and that is reason enough to hold the boundary of not going to the family get-together. There is nothing but his word and your mother's hopes that give any indication that he's not using, and that's not something you need to subject yourself to. My dad came drunk to so many of my kids' birthday parties before he was in recovery (he relapsed constantly for decades) and it still hurts. I don't hold it against him, but it hurts. You don't need to do that to yourself. A baby is such a beautiful time but also a time of needing to do for YOU (as his mother) what you need. Our culture doesn't give mothers the mental, emotional, and physical space and rest and support they need to care for the changes in their own bodies and lives as they take on motherhood. Grant yourself the space to find peace. You deserve it SO much. It'll feel weird not to see your family at this event, to stay home - cognitive dissonance (doing and believing two different things) - but that weird shows that you're doing something that's going to lead to changes in YOUR life. Not the same old, same old. Trust me, I speak from experience...I'm going through hell with my husband right now and I stink at taking my own advice. I'm praying for you. This is so hard. Concentrate on yourself as a mother. You come first.
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Bird, there is a great post on another forum here the forum for parents, siblings it's down a bit from this one...it's called The Battle Isn't Yours to Fight...please take a look at it. I have read it many times as my son is an alcoholic and I currently have no contact with him at all. It is very sad to be in this position, but I believe with all my heart that it will be the consequences of his actions while in active addiction that will one day make him want to get better.
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Hello bird, and welcome! I am sorry for what brings you here.
Yes, I suppose in a way your mother does need to hear from your brother in order to feel ok. The approval of others (real or otherwise) is something that codependent personalities crave in order to feel good about themselves...ask me how I know that, lol!
Unfortunately, you can no more control your mother than you can your brother. And I’m sorry this is all coming to a head at the holidays. Please don’t feel bad about considering not joining in on the family “fun” for the holidays. Take good care of yourself and your child
Yes, I suppose in a way your mother does need to hear from your brother in order to feel ok. The approval of others (real or otherwise) is something that codependent personalities crave in order to feel good about themselves...ask me how I know that, lol!
Unfortunately, you can no more control your mother than you can your brother. And I’m sorry this is all coming to a head at the holidays. Please don’t feel bad about considering not joining in on the family “fun” for the holidays. Take good care of yourself and your child
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I'm not a mask-obsessive quarantine insister but - doesn't the 'second wave' give people a perfect excuse to take some time off from gatherings? I'm not worrying about myself: next to no social life, and most I would see are similar. But a relative who is a risk-taker would have me staying home. And frankly, of the people who generally assemble at Sibling's home for Thanksgiving and Christmas, I honestly don't know if any of them are risk-takers or not. It's mostly SIL's extended family. They're all really nice people, but I don't know who they hang out with the other 363 days of the year.
Your baby will be just a adorable when he starts to babble, crawl, or play with things in a few months (when vaccines have started to be distributed) Not being political, just offering plausible explanations.
Your baby will be just a adorable when he starts to babble, crawl, or play with things in a few months (when vaccines have started to be distributed) Not being political, just offering plausible explanations.
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