Clocker

After 30 odd years as a professional drinker, I quit about a year and a half ag.o. That was with the help of two weeks of hospitalization, a month at a rehab center, and many AA meetings. I am grateful for my sobriety and for regaining control of my life from that addiction. I do find, though, that at some point nearly everyday a little voice in my head says, "you can drink, just make sure you control yourself." I know what that is about. During my drinking days I quit drinking all the time; every hung over morning, every ridiculous or dangerous situation I got into, every close call with disaster, I quit drinking. Until I drank again. So I know this is a trap. I guess I'm just puzzled and disappointed that these thoughts haven't faded away yet.

Delizadee

Try testing out some more tools on your av.

I read "The Naked Mind" and it had the biggest impact on me and making the choice and turning down the volume on those thoughts.
Rationally I know drinking will do me no good. I don't reason or entertain the thought much.

Have you tried counseling or worked through the steps? Have you tried out any mindfulness practices?
Sorry you're experiencing this. I hope it gets better.

IvanMike

I've got news for you, it's not about how to stop thinking about getting loaded.

Part of recovery is learning that just because it itches, that doesn't mean that you have to scratch. "This too shall pass" applies to thoughts of using/drinking and cravings.

It's also been my experience that they lessen in frequency, intensity, and duration over time.

That said, let me ask you - are you working the steps with the guidance of an experienced sponsor?

Anna

Congratulations on your year and a half of recovery.

My question would be, what changes have you made in your life to support your recovery? I had to make some changes in my life as far as exercising, friends, activities and hobbies, that kind of thing. Maybe you can find some things to add to your life that will help you to stop focusing on drinking.

red3215

Sometimes just a photo of someone passed out and pathetic looking from being drunk is enough to flood back the bad memories and remember that drinking sucks.
Society is pro-drinking so it's hard not to get caught up in that mentality if not reminded regularly what will happen if WE drink.

I jumped on this board now because a friend was just talking about his ancestor's tribe and how no one had cars so they didnt have to worry about DUIs. And I thought, Maybe if I live some place where I don't need a car I can drink again!

It's scary that I felt like that. It's like I went in to denial real fast about all the other damage I could cause besides another DUI..Sometimes a quick, dramatic reminder can do the trick

cwood3

Delizadee/Clocker,

After reading Delizadee's post about the book "This Naked Mind", I did a search online and was able to read the first 40 pages of it. I must say it sounds very interesting, so I ordered it from Amazon...$14.41 plus shipping. I'd like to hear more comments on the book. Clocker, maybe you might want to read those first 40 pages too. Just a thought.

Delizadee

It's really good. I've got a bunch of books on recovery and this was the first one I really plowed my way through. I don't know why but this more than anything else has really made something click in my head this time.
I'm still giving a lot to my recovery work, between sr, 5 days a week day programming, 3 meetings a week and addictions counseling and reading slowly through the woman's way through the twelve steps. I can't say I feel any kind of wonderful about life today. But I do feel relief that I don't have to wrestle with the urge or the cravings anymore and the guilt and shame and do I, dont I? All day long. All the meetings and step work and counseling and medication I did would do nothing if I couldn't figure out how to stop picking up that first drink. This book helped me get to that point where i really trusted myself that i was ok with not drinking. Now I feel more open to the internal changes and the work required. I don't feel like I'm spinning my wheels anymore.

Berrybean

Hi Clocker.

Sometimes that AV does still pipe up. We might never shut it up, same as you can't stop a whining kid asking for things. BUT, we can choose not to listen. We can play the tape forward to what we know would happen. We can phone someone from the fellowship - either our sponsor or another AAer, or get to a meeting, or listen to an AA speaker if we can't get to a meeting, or read the literature, or as one lovely member of AA I know does - close your eyes and just imagine you're in one of the meetings where you feel most comfortable for a while.

Recovery is a lot about acceptance. Not fighting the things we can't change. And we can't change whatever thought just flew into our heads, but we can choose not to act on it. Same as our character defects might never completely go away and stop us thinking mean thoughts about our boss, but we can learn not to let that thought turn to an action (shouting them out lol) or damaging emotion (developing a resentment). This is what our step work is all about isn't it.


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Branches

I've just finished This Naked Mind. It was very comprehensive. It addressed how inundated we are with the idea that drinking is sophisticated, fun, cool, grown-up in advertisements, movies, magazines, books, social media, from a very young age and therefore have all these subliminal thoughts that support drinking alcohol, and when you try to quit consciously, it's still a struggle because your subconscious mind is saying, "Oh, hell no. Drinking is fun!" She also addresses what alcohol really does to your body(that alone is worth the price of the book. Can you say "Carcinogen"?) and the commonly held beliefs about whether drinking really does give you courage, calm your fears, add zest to your sex life, make you creative, make you a fun person, etc., and the answer is fascinating. Reading this book actually helped me to go from "Gee, I'd like a drink" to "Ewww" when a friend suggested getting a ribeye steak and some merlot today. I NEVER thought I'd think "Ewww" about alcohol. Never. Really helped rewire my mind about alcohol. It's worth the read.

DangerZone

I agree.

I can only speak for myself. I know with me there will always be a part of me that likes drinking but then I remind myself that I am sure there is a part of me that loves heroin but it does not mean I am going to do it. There's a part of me that would like to do a lot of dumb things that I would probably 'enjoy' but I won't do it because I know what the consequences are. It's just not worth it and overall I do not like drinking otherwise I would not be here trying to quit. If I loved everything about it why would I be here?

Just have to think everything through then I think it makes it much easier to say no.

FreeOwl

The biggest ally I had in shedding myself of that voice was the focus on building an image of the life I WANT and CHOOSE that doesn't involve drinking..... and living that image.

By truly coming to appreciate my life I began to see drinking as a detractor to my life - not in any way an enhancement.

Part of that was going to AA and other group settings, working the steps in my own way, staying in recovery to remind myself of the 'where it leads'. A bigger part of that was having purpose in my life, engaging in my life in really meaningful ways that have nothing to do with drinking and that are really best cherished sober.

Part of it was purposely seeking sober role models.

Part of it was creating new responses to those thoughts - hit the gym, go for a run, go do something outdoors, journal, read, reflect on all the GOOD things in my life sobriety has brought.

It's a process and it's an ACTIVE process.

The first significant time around in sobriety (about 5 months) I was plagued by that "you can do it, just need to control it" voice all the time. In looking back, the difference was that first time I wasn't really wholly engaged in all ways, doing the active WORK of sobriety. I was just.... "not drinking".

It turned out, I was just patiently waiting around for the right time to demonstrate to myself that I 'COULD' drink in control.

That time came, and I went on a year and a half long binge......

This time, I'm not going back there ever again.

Gottalife

A very wise poster wrote:

Recovering = thinking about not drinking
Recovered. = not thinking about drinking

We recover by the steps we take, not the meetings we make.

Step ten promises:
And we have ceased fighting anything or anyone - even alcohol. For by this time sanity will have returned. We will seldom be interested in liquor. If tempted we recoil as if from a hot flame. We react sanely and normally, and we will find that this has happened automoatically. We will see that our new attitude toward liquor has been given us without any thought or effort on our part. It just comes! That is the miracle of it. We are not fighting it, neither are we avoiding temptation. We feel as though we had been placed in a position of neutrality - safe an protected. We have not even sworn off. Instead the problem has been removed. It does not exist for us. We are neither cocky nor are we afraid. That is our experience. That is how t so long as we keep in fit spiritual condition."