onlyliveonce

I have been smoking crack for about 6 months with my husband and I can't do it anymore. We had a long talk last night after I had a breakdown after smoking and we are both very tired. I don't know how I've let myself come to this point. Smoking this **** is not for me. I've always smoked a little pot but to have graduated to this is beyond me. I am sooo... dissapointed and upset with myself I don't even know how to begin to fix what I've done.
I've checked into NA meetings and will be going to one tomorrow night and hopefully he will go to but if not I have no problem going by myself.
All I want to do is cry right now and it's all my own fault. I feel like I want to dig a hole somewhere and crawl into it I'm so tired. My body nor my mind feels good at the moment but hopefully I'll have some time to catch up on some rest this week-end. I don't even know what i expect to get from writing this just thought it might make me feel better and it hasn't so I don't know where to go or what to do now. Thanks for listening.

caileesnana

Welcome to SR. Glad you have chosen to live and are going to NA meetings! Don't crawl in a hole, that will only worsen things. Hold you head up and work on you, you really can't change anyone else. It may be hard, it may not, but know you are welcome here and there are many more who will walk w/ you.

susan

hello-kitty

The s-t will suck the life out of you. Now that you've decided you can't do it anymore, the hard part will be following through. But there is HOPE! It's definitely possible to quit and worth it. Repeat after me (a million times a day if necessary), "I will not smoke crack today no matter what happens. It's not an option anymore."

A meeting is a good idea. Just go. No matter what.

onlyliveonce

Thank you for your replies. I am sitting here crying. I know it's going to be hard but I also know deep down I do have it in me to do this. The depression is just eating me up at the moment. Maybe I just need to take a walk and get some fresh air.
I really posted this on the wrong board, meant for it to be on the substance abuse board but I really appreciate the support and encouragement.
I'm feeling almost nervy if that makes any sense right now. Just a nervous and scared feeling inside me. I really hope 5pm hurries and gets here soon. I used last night but I am at work today and still doing what I should be doing as far as coming to work.

Impurrfect

Welcome to SR!

I'm a recovering crackhead, too. I just celebrated a year clean, so recovery IS possible. Don't worry about "posting on the wrong thread"...I'm codependent, so post on this forum, because trying to fix everyone else's problems was going to lead me back to crack.

I was really, really bad on crack. I wouldn't even think of working a "real" job because I was living to get high. You'll find a ton of support on here, and several people going through the same thing. Head on over to the substance abuse forum, too....I read/post on a lot of forums because I fit into a lot of categories, I guess.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

FindingClarity

Only Live Once,

I completely understand how you feel. I'm going through the same thing. Right now I'm also at work and I'm completely exhausted because I smoked from Thursday 5pm to Friday 6am. I'm also extremely disappointed in myself and Digusted by the person I'm becoming.

I don't even know myself anymore. From all appearances I'm still ME but that is changing, I feel like something I've never wanted to be.
Last night when my boyfriend and I were smoking I looked at him and thought " who is this person" we don't even talk to each other anymore. We just stare at the floor and wait to do our next hit.
Crack is so ridicolous.

hello-kitty

Man. You guys are breaking my heart. I was there. I was you. It was hell. I'm free now. I never ever want to go back. And just for today, I choose not to. It is a choice I make every day that I get up.

It gets better. You CAN get clean. You just gotta really wanna. The longer you go. The easier it gets.

Don't pick up. No matter what. Sounds stupid. But it works.

Aysha

Hi only....Your screen name says it right there. You only live once so live.
I remember being in a relationship with another addict and it was the worst. Not only dealing with myself but to watch someone you love right there destroying themselves with you.
I feel for all of you going through this. I will never do that again.
I remember those days going to work after being up all night or for days and just wanting to crawl in my bed. I seriously thought I was going to die a couple times.
I dont have any time in myself. But I have faced that no matter what. I have to keep going and trying no matter what.
I cant let this crap beat me anymore than it has.
Your fairly new to smoking so my suggestion will be to get it gone before it really gets you. And it will get you more than you ever imagined.
You do not have to hit bottom.
It is possible. There is plenty of proof on this board.
Get you some rest and then you have a clearer mind to really think about what it is you want to do about it.
Depression is a symptom of using. So it will all pass.
Just hang in there.

onlyliveonce

We smoked $320 last night. I could have done sooo. many other productive things with that money. I have other health issues so I have no business doing this. And the guilt that goes along with it is killing me. This is the only place I have admitted to doing this and I know it's easier to do it here cause I'm behind this screen. My chest is hurting today. My husband has called a couple of times to check on me and I'm not mad at him I just don't want to be messed with today. I don't want to talk just cry. He blames himself cause he introduced it to me but like I told him no one put a gun to my head and made me do anything. I accept full responsibility for my decisions. More than anything I'm very dissapointed and upset with myself. I know better than this. I'm 35yrs. old and should not be doing this at my age. I have really lowered everything about myself this time. I am kinda really excited about going to the NA meeting and saying what I've been doing face to face with someone. I could actually feel the crack sucking the life out of me but kept on going.
I would tell my husband I don't even want to take that first hit cause after that it's all over for me. No self control whatsoever. Now I understand a little better what he has been battling for years and it's no joke. I thought that would be something I would never do and I did with little thought. That's what scares me, how easily I fell prey to it. Our dealer called this morning and I didn't even answer the phone. He has all he's going to get from me. God please help me!

sweetpea40

I will be praying for your husband and you sweetie...It takes seeing the problem...and seeking help for yourself...So you have already started recovery. God Bless you and May God watch over you during your recovery.
Machele

Orele

You've admitted you have a problem, which is something a lot of people just refuse to acknowledge. You need to stop now and you can;t do it with half a heart, you need to give it your all, if you don't you'll just relapse sometime in the future which is exactly what you don't want to do. This drug is evil, I smoked it for a while and I actually stopped my drug of choice (heroin) and just smoked this, I know people say you use heroin for a comedown but I even stopped doing that. It's a horrible drug and it turns you into a joke, if someone was to record you doing this stuff and played it back to you whilst you were sober you'd be shocked. What really hit me and made me stop was exactly that, I saw a recording of how I was behaving and I felt sick.
We all make mistakes, hell sometimes we make the same mistake a few times over but that's exactly what it is as mistake. Now you've realised this it's time to fix that mistake, you can do it, people are there to guide and support you. I wish you the best of luck, please don't beat yourself up over this, you can do whatever you put your mind to.
Peace ~ Raj.

canuhearme

This is the hardest part of finding recovery, it's hard to pull the other half of your heart away from the drug.
Be prepared, go to NA meetings, I don't know about you but for me, my addiction has a way of making me think, "hey wait I don't really want to quit" But I do, I really do, it's the addiction that doesn't want to quit. It sucks. Step up girl, get ready to fight the devil himself. AND NEVER GIVE UP.

Aysha

I a m sorry. But for someone to have been struggling with this for years and knowing what hell it is. Why would he even turn you onto it in the first place?
That is beyond my understanding.
I would never turn my worst enemy onto that $hit.
My BF at the time also turned me out. At the young age of 17.
It took me a very long time to forgive him in my heart. He will never know what hell he broke loose on me. He never saw me get to the extreme using about 5 years later. And I havent seen him really since I was about 20 or so.
I had to forgive him for my reasons.
But I just dont understand why in the first place is all.

windysan

Good luck. Being hooked on dope is no way to live. It sucks real bad.......but I guess you've found that out the hard way. Again, good luck quitting. It ain't that hard. I did it and I'm an idiot.

northbelle

Addiction makes us do all kinds of messed up things....trying to make any SENSE out of the stuff we do is pointless...Its just what addicts do . The disease eventually destroys everything worthwhile in life...
The further you get from that last hit the better chance you have...right now you are still caught in that vicious cycle and can't see the light yet...but I PROMISE you it IS THERE. If you get clean you never know what life will bring you...but you pretty much know what is in store for you if you keep going..I do and it is not pretty...the ends are always the same...jails, institutions and death...
I have done some pretty drastic things to get clean...I locked my ex out of the house when I was strung out on heroin and just would not let him back in...It was scarey as hell..no food ..no money...a child to care for...(god bless the little dude)...kicking heroin with the ex lurking in the neighborhool...But I went to meetings as soon as I could WALK and just did what I had to to save my own life...because really that is what it came down to for me...I was one more hit away from death every time...
You have something to offer other people LiveOnce...when we get clean we can be a part of the solution....we have the capablilities to really help other people when we can share what we have been through..
Your story HELPED ME today and I thank you sis for being brave enough to let the cat out of the bag and speak your truth here with us....it takes alot of courage...
keep posting..
I swear to you things CAN get better...
love north

hairgirl

Just do whatever it takes to stop the madness-it only gets worse if you keep going witht he road you are now traveling.

Impurrfect

I didn't want to quit when I did, but I knew I needed to. I went through a while just promising myself "I won't do it in the next hour"...then a day, and kept doing that until I had some days strung together. The longer I was away from it, the better it got. Now, I still THINK about it every now and then, but I remember how totally miserable I was the last time I used.

I have $1500 in the bank right now, and could easily smoke that up this weekend...have done it in the past. Today, I don't want to. I really did get sick and tired of being sick and tired. I know I'm not "cured", though, so constantly work on recovery and remind myself of all the bad that went with it.


Hugs and prayers!

Amy