Samson1

I know i've been posting alot lately and i apologize. In need of advice. As i've said i am 50 days sober today. My daughter is coming home tonight and it will be the first time i have seen her since i've been sober. She does not know that i'm an alcoholic. My ex-wife is the only one i've told. I drank alone and in secret for over 20 years. I lived with her for over 15 years and she was in shock when i told her but she is being very supportive. Question is do i tell my daughter? She is 22 and just graduated from college. She has a good job and just got engaged. To tell or not?

lessgravity

I would get a lot more sober time under my belt before I had any discussions about it. Though certainly ok to tell her that you're not drinking these days. But in my humble opinion 50 days is way too early to get into too deep of a conversation, especially with my children.

Dee74

Hi Sampson

I'm not a parent, but I'd probably leave it for now, unless it comes up.

I told my folks when I quit (I wasn't living with them, I was 40) and they had no idea the problem was so bad.

I worried them at the very time they had nothing to worry about and I regret that now.

AnvilheadII

i think we could learn from Step Nine of the 12 steps:

“Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.”

we need to be careful when we announce our alcoholism AND recovery to others that we are not doing so just to tout our own amazing-ness. your daughter's visit home, IMHO, is not the time for such proclamations.

get six months or a year of solid unbroken sobriety under your belt. get thru all the seasons, and all the reasons. live by example....walk the walk, don't talk the talk.

matrac

I dont think you have to go out of your way to divulge unless you think you have some apologizing to do for something related to your drinking. Just stay close to her and keep in touch with her, you’ll know when the right time comes.

least

I don't think you have to bring it up, but if the subject comes up, tell her that you've stopped drinking.

nez

What would be the purpose of telling her?

gymratgirl

If you don't feel that your drinking has affected her, then I would just continue to be a supportive parent. Sounds like you have a good rapport with her? Maybe wait until you are further into sobriety to dig deeper.

On the other hand, if she knows that you have been drinking in the past, then she will likely see the positive change in you and may comment on her own.

Hope it all goes well!!!

fini

i was in much the same place, with grown up children and secret drinking. so when i quit and decided i needed to tell them, i first had to tell them i was an alcoholic and that i had been drinking for decades.
i was about 3 months sober when i told, and felt ineeded to do it because my oldest kid’s 30th birthday party was coming up and i did not feel safe to attend it and did not want to lie to her about the reason i was not coming.
other than that, i would have preferrred to wait with the telling.
however....sometimes conversations just come up organically, too.
whether you decide to tell or not, the main thing is to not burden her with your crap, so to speak.

SIB

Leave it be, just say you quit drinking if the subject comes up.

Zebra1275

I would leave it alone unless she brings it up.

Anna

I wouldn't tell her. What would be the purpose? My experience is that I desperately wanted to talk to my kids to 'make' them understand. They were late teens at the time. I tried very briefly and it was clear they had no interest. They only wanted me to get better. So, that's what I did.

August252015

I agree that it is too soon to tell her.

HOWEVER - and this is big point, as the adult child of an alcoholic as well as one myself, AND someone who has seen plenty of people "find out" about their parent(s) drinking as adults.

Addiction is a family disease - by that I mean, it affects everyone. Even if your children truly don't know that their parent(s) are alcoholics, us alcoholics all have behaviors that are dysfunctional, to use a too simple word, whether it's dishonesty, selfishness, anxiety or mood issues, so many more things.

Those things affect kids. So whether it's "technically" your drinking or not, my empathetic suggestion is that you "did" other stuff that certainly affected the family. It takes awhile to first see what this means in your life, and figure out what that means to your family. If you need to make amends for behavior, that's something that should probably wait til you are further along in recovery.

Are you working a program like AA? It is one that walks you thru the exact issues of how our drinking actually does affect others, what we have done and how we have behaved, and what we need to "clean up" in all areas of our lives.

Best to you- keep going in your sobriety whatever you do about this or other new to you choices for making your new life.

Samson1

Thanks everyone. We went to eat at her favorite japanese steak house. I would usually drink half a bottle of jager and then drink sake at the restaraunt and then come home and finish the jager. Tonight no jager and ordered green tea at the restaurant. She did ask why no sake tonight. I informed her I was not drinking alcohol anymore. She of course asked why. So i just said i didnt feel like it anymore. I got the cross eye but no more than that. She then informed me she was getting an alcohol vendor for her wedding.(my family and the grooms family have a lot of drinkers) She asked if i thought it was a good idea and i stated as long as you get a slushy machine for me i'm fine.(i love slushees) Again the cross eye but with a laugh. We left it at that and enjoyed the rest of the evening. She's now shopping with her mom and i'm on SR. NO JAGER. Thanks everyone.

lessgravity

Well done homie. I can relate to that feeling of wanting to share with your kids the fact that you're sober. I think you played it Well for now. Here's to a future where she just knows you as someone who doesn't drink.



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fineartshooter

Awesome brother!!

August252015

Good sharing....I'd pay attention to the cross eye since you got it the first time alcohol came up. That would be a knowing look from my kid self...or my step daughter or son's (to or about their mom, in this case).

I hope you are working a recovery program of some kind to keep giving you support in your new life!