Totally makes sense- I love cooking and trying new meals as well and agree that this counts as self care! Hope you're having a great day :)

Didn't make it....major panic attack...for hours now actually. I want to say no one understands, but that is not fair....just not OK.

Oh no, what happened? Would it help to talk about it?

Maybe....not now though. All of my energy is going to getting OK. Sorry to be dramatic. :hug:

Oh Suze. I’m so sorry. Are you any better? What can bring you out of this?

You helped..thank you. xx (texts) ♥

Hope you feel a little better now Suze :)

D

5:57 am Sunday

My husband is sleeping in this morning so I have the entire house to myself to sit in silence and go out to the porch to meditate alone (he usually takes that room every morning and sometimes I just want it to myself.)

I'm not doing well. Ever since my weekend spiritual retreat two weeks ago, I am feeling more disconnected than ever. I felt so loved and supported when I was there and that feeling lasted for about 2 days after I got home and then, as usual it dissapeared and I can't seem to get it back. I will admit I am not doing the things I need to do to keep it going- I'm not meditating in the mornings so why would I expect to stay connected? I don't want to keep living this way. I ate compulsively for 2 days now and its enough. I don't want to live like this anymore. When I am lost in my addiction I am an angry, mean mom and wife. It's not who I want to be.

I don't know what I can do other than meditate, plan my food for the day, check in here every hour, keep busy and go to a meeting tonight. I am going to go meditate in a few minutes, once I get off the computer.

I usually keep a binge going on Sundays because in my head I always think, "who starts over on a Sunday when Monday is almost here??" but I just can't keep this monster going anymore. I don't want to binge today. I don't want to eat sugar. I don't want to hurt myself anymore.

I commit to abstinence from compulsive overeating for the next few hours. I will check in again when I have the chance. Thank you to all of you for your love and support and for contributing to this thread.

I am here for 24 hours of freedom from the chains of food addiction.

So I meditated for 30 minutes which actually flew by amazingly enough. My son was up at 6:20 but I told him he could not leave his room until 7. If I don’t get the space I need this morning I am not going to be well today and I feel comfortable putting down these boundaries.

Currently in the hammock. I just got it a week or so ago and I think it’s my new safe haven. I mean there’s not much you can do in a hammock other than relax, reflect and be present right? Next time I’ll leave my phone inside...

https://s22.postimg.cc/91o1l2gm9/4_A...DD3979_FAA.jpg

I see painted toes. :)
And oh how I want a hammock, no room here, but I see some free-standing ones, even a chair hammock....

I personally think Sunday is a fantastic day to start over....I'm of the school of thought that I can make my Monday great if I feel good about myself TODAY. So one hour at a time....you can do this.....so much love.

I am not feeling better....I am very upset that it has taken me so long to begin to feel comfortable here.....and sometimes.....well, I am agoraphobic and there are days when the idea of being out in the world for 5 or 6 hours with no power to come home when I want to is just impossible for me. I didn't sleep well and I am sitting here crying. Also drinking coffee and posting, so not a complete loss.

You are being really hard on yourself. How long have you lived there? It took me a year to adjust to this house and to being back in Maryland and I grew up here! Changes take time and as empaths it is totally normal to need a little bit more to get used to the energy of a new place.

I wish you felt better though and I hate seeing you in pain and crying in the morning. That is never fun. But maybe the sadness just needs and wants to be released. Maybe it’s not such a bad thing after all. If you could plan your perfect day today what would it look like?

I agree that Monday will be even more powerful if Sunday is a day where I treat myself and my body with love and respect. Thank you for that reminder. I will not binge today no matter what. I promise to check in first if I feel the urge. I want to be saved this time. I want the help I need.
Going to an OA meeting at 5:15 tonight.

Love you...text me if you need/want. :grouphug:

My perfect day would be to speak to no one....not a single soul.
Texting is good tho. :) :hug:

Good morning, everyone! Sorry to hear folks are having a rough time. I hope Sunday is healing and grounding. :)

Good morning ProfessorD :hug:

Could you book a hotel room for the day/night??

Then I would have to talk to more people..... :)
It's very quiet here and Nick is lovely....and he also has some work to do today so really nothing to complain about....thank you honey. ♥

Thanks so much for this thread. I find it one of the bravest on the site, and love that it keeps growing. The support here is inspirational.

I am in a later stage of recovery from food addictions than I ever thought I would be. It's a process. A longer one than I'd like. I focus a lot on never underestimating the complexity of the issue(s). I had to find recovery from a whole other thing (codependency) before I could even acknowledge it was an issue, and it makes recovery from codependency look like a walk in the park.

Thank you all for being here.

You brought tears of joy to my eyes and my heart. I want more than anything to build a support thread for those of us who still struggle with food. Thank you so much for being here.
I think I might look up codependency as I don’t know much about it. Is there a website or speaker you recommend on the topic?

At the gym. My husband was a cranky mess and yelled at me this morning for “bombarding him” and not giving him time to wake up (he got home at 12:30 last night from work.) I totally empathize and understand but he could have spoken To me in a gentle, non threatening tone instead. Now I’m an angry ball of fire who just wants to be the hell away from him today. He triggers my anger so badly and I still haven’t figured out how to keep this from happening. I still have a hard time controlling my reactions to him. I realized in Breathwork yesterday that this is part of my resentment towards him. I knew having kids would be hard and that they would trigger me like no other- I guess I did not expect it also be dealing wit it pretty much daily from my partner. It’s so hard to get along. It’s so hard just to like him. And that resentment makes me overeat.

Ugh.

So I am going to workout for an hour then I need to go to target to get a gift for a bday party we have this afternoon. Every weekend feels the same with him. Toxic and fueled by negativity. I can’t do it anymore.

But....I will not binge. It’s 9:46 and until I get home and check in again I will not binge.

My work with codependency happened primarily through one-on-one therapy. I grew up with an acloholic mother and codependent father, and as a result, was raised to prioritize everyone else's feelings and needs above my own, to believe I was 'not good enough' to be loved, and to seek out validation through relationships. Not an easy knot to untangle! But I found I needed to do that foundational work with therapy--building my own self-esteem and self-reliance--before I could even acknolwedge that I had long had a dysfunctional, compulsive relationship with food. Throw in the way the world tells women how they need to look to be loved and my life was a perfect storm! But I have come through the other side, for the most part. It absolutely can be done.

I still have my moments and probably always will. The most important thing is that I do not let myself slide into the shame cycle of bingeing/restrcting that can really destroy my ability to lead a productive, fulfilling life.

I post mostly in the Friends & Family of Alcoholics forum (I also, unsurprisingly, have an ex-boyfriend who is an alcoholic). There is a lot of focus in that forum on self-care in the face of others' issues. It may resonate with you.