Trying to stop drinking to save young marriage, need help
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Trying to stop drinking to save young marriage, need help
My husband and I are in our early 20’s, fresh out of college, and newly married. Dating was definitely a never ending party of drinking every night, but usually 2-3 drinks each. Once we moved in together, it escalated bad. We were both drinking 5+ wines/beers/bourbons every night, and my face started turning bright red and my whole digestive system went haywire. He, on the other hand, had less physical side affects, but my kind, gentle, thoughtful man became evil several nights a week. It took something as simple as me spilling my drink to set him off. He would scream at me in front of friends and family, break things out of anger, and would often go as far as packing my bags and threatening a divorce. I’d never leave, because I learned very quickly in our relationship how angry of a drunk he was, and he always would be absolutely heartbroken when/if he remembered what he had done/said. Sometimes I would tell him what he’d said to me and you could see how terrible he felt. I think it became a cycle, of him feeling guilty for berating me the night before, and me feeling sad, and we’d both drink to feel better, and he’d do it again often! Last weekend he screamed at me in front of a close friend and my in-laws and enough is enough! It’s not me quitting because my flushed face is embarassing (it super is, though) but I suggested we quit for “30 days” (hopefully forever) to save our relationship. We literally have 0 problems other than his drunk anger, and it is heartbreaking to feel such strain on my young marriage caused ONLY by alcohol. There is no infidelity, total trust, we are well-off with both of us in good jobs, our families rock... but I swear to y’all alcohol has become the DEVIL. I need tips! I need advice! I need a way to keep us on track when we are so young and all of his friends pressure us to go to hooters with them and get “f****d” up every other night, and every girl friend of mine comes over with a bottle of wine when I invite her. Please please help me save this marriage.
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Welcome!
I'm glad you posted.
I hope that you both decide to stop drinking, but your husband must decide that for himself. This is not something that you can push him to do. It sounds like it would be good for you to stop drinking as well. The thing is, alcoholism is progressive and it will get worse unless you stop drinking. It's possible that if you stop drinking, your husband will see your example and decide to do the same. But, if not, you will be doing the right thing for yourself. I think it's also very important to know that it's important to make lifestyle changes to support your recovery. Friends pressuring you to go to hooters every other night is not going to work.
I'm glad you posted.
I hope that you both decide to stop drinking, but your husband must decide that for himself. This is not something that you can push him to do. It sounds like it would be good for you to stop drinking as well. The thing is, alcoholism is progressive and it will get worse unless you stop drinking. It's possible that if you stop drinking, your husband will see your example and decide to do the same. But, if not, you will be doing the right thing for yourself. I think it's also very important to know that it's important to make lifestyle changes to support your recovery. Friends pressuring you to go to hooters every other night is not going to work.
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Join Date: Mar 2018
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Originally Posted by Anna 
Welcome!
I'm glad you posted.
I hope that you both decide to stop drinking, but your husband must decide that for himself. This is not something that you can push him to do. It sounds like it would be good for you to stop drinking as well. The thing is, alcoholism is progressive and it will get worse unless you stop drinking. It's possible that if you stop drinking, your husband will see your example and decide to do the same. But, if not, you will be doing the right thing for yourself. I think it's also very important to know that it's important to make lifestyle changes to support your recovery. Friends pressuring you to go to hooters every other night is not going to work.
I'm glad you posted.
I hope that you both decide to stop drinking, but your husband must decide that for himself. This is not something that you can push him to do. It sounds like it would be good for you to stop drinking as well. The thing is, alcoholism is progressive and it will get worse unless you stop drinking. It's possible that if you stop drinking, your husband will see your example and decide to do the same. But, if not, you will be doing the right thing for yourself. I think it's also very important to know that it's important to make lifestyle changes to support your recovery. Friends pressuring you to go to hooters every other night is not going to work.
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Join Date: Dec 2017
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Wow KatR, thanks for posting and I'm so sorry you and your new husband are going through this! I would guess that his behavior is nothing new, to you or his friends and family. Is it accepted on some level? That may make it tougher for him to quit, but that has nothing to do with you, other than becoming 100% clear that you will not tolerate being abused that way.
My advice would be to follow through with your plan to get sober. Is today your day 1? There are so many resources here, you can join the class of March thread, maybe give AA a try, fully commit to your own recovery and be able to look at the situation with clear eyes and honesty, even though you can't control his drinking. We're here for you...you can do this.
My advice would be to follow through with your plan to get sober. Is today your day 1? There are so many resources here, you can join the class of March thread, maybe give AA a try, fully commit to your own recovery and be able to look at the situation with clear eyes and honesty, even though you can't control his drinking. We're here for you...you can do this.
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Originally Posted by PalmerSage
Wow KatR, thanks for posting and I'm so sorry you and your new husband are going through this! I would guess that his behavior is nothing new, to you or his friends and family. Is it accepted on some level? That may make it tougher for him to quit, but that has nothing to do with you, other than becoming 100% clear that you will not tolerate being abused that way.
My advice would be to follow through with your plan to get sober. Is today your day 1? There are so many resources here, you can join the class of March thread, maybe give AA a try, fully commit to your own recovery and be able to look at the situation with clear eyes and honesty, even though you can't control his drinking. We're here for you...you can do this.
My advice would be to follow through with your plan to get sober. Is today your day 1? There are so many resources here, you can join the class of March thread, maybe give AA a try, fully commit to your own recovery and be able to look at the situation with clear eyes and honesty, even though you can't control his drinking. We're here for you...you can do this.
But yes, I think his mother especially really enables us. She says things like “you’re not an alcoholic if you’re not hospitalized.” My family is Eastern European and they see no issue with drinking every night as well. We also still live right by our college and I think a lot of our friends are still in the mindset of collegiate binge drinking.
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Join Date: Mar 2018
Location: Dallas, Texas, USA
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Good for you quitting, KatR. I'm sure I'm not the only older (60 this year) person who wished he/she'd quit a very long time ago. Now is the time to do it... for your health and your relationship. As others have said, your husband is going to need to want to quit (and stick to it) himself. No matter what, stick to YOUR commitment not to drink, You can do it.
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Join Date: Jul 2017
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But yes, I think his mother especially really enables us. She says things like “you’re not an alcoholic if you’re not hospitalized.”
Please forgive me, but your MIL's statement may be one of the most insane assumptions I've ever heard anyone make. It's not based in fact or reality, so I can totally understand your frustration there. The thing is, is that you can't keep your husband "on track". That's his job. Not yours. Nothing you say or do is going to keep him from drinking if he wants to. In the same way, people who are recovering from alcoholism know that there is nothing that can make them start drinking again. They choose that for themselves. There is no external factor that can do that. I wish you both well no matter what you decide.
Please forgive me, but your MIL's statement may be one of the most insane assumptions I've ever heard anyone make. It's not based in fact or reality, so I can totally understand your frustration there. The thing is, is that you can't keep your husband "on track". That's his job. Not yours. Nothing you say or do is going to keep him from drinking if he wants to. In the same way, people who are recovering from alcoholism know that there is nothing that can make them start drinking again. They choose that for themselves. There is no external factor that can do that. I wish you both well no matter what you decide.
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You know, I hear a lot of rationalisations (excuses) in your posts for your drinking. For example..
I think his mother really enables us by saying (frankly, uneducated) things about the nature of alcoholism, such as “you’re not an alcoholic if you’re not hospitalized.”
Your family see no issue with drinking every night.
A lot of your friends are still in the mindset of collegiate binge drinking.
Thing is, they aren't responsible for your drinking. YOU are responsible for your drinking. (And your husband is responsible for his. You cannot make him stop if that's what he wants to do, but you can explain how you feel about it.)
The comment that you made that makes me think that you woukd realky benefit from addressing your drinking and working a good program of recovery is actually this one... "I’m also scared of myself with stress. I’m a chronic worrier and I’ve been downing glasses of wine to “mellow me out” since high school :/" Recovery is when we learn better and less counter-productive ways to be at peace with ourselves, our lives and our relationships.
Wishing you all the best for your recovery and sobriety.
BB
I think his mother really enables us by saying (frankly, uneducated) things about the nature of alcoholism, such as “you’re not an alcoholic if you’re not hospitalized.”
Your family see no issue with drinking every night.
A lot of your friends are still in the mindset of collegiate binge drinking.
Thing is, they aren't responsible for your drinking. YOU are responsible for your drinking. (And your husband is responsible for his. You cannot make him stop if that's what he wants to do, but you can explain how you feel about it.)
The comment that you made that makes me think that you woukd realky benefit from addressing your drinking and working a good program of recovery is actually this one... "I’m also scared of myself with stress. I’m a chronic worrier and I’ve been downing glasses of wine to “mellow me out” since high school :/" Recovery is when we learn better and less counter-productive ways to be at peace with ourselves, our lives and our relationships.
Wishing you all the best for your recovery and sobriety.
BB
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Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 3,163
You sound like me, but 30 years younger.
I was also "downing glasses of wine to “mellow me out” since high school :/"
Don't waste your life, if you are already feeling like this, its likely to get worse.
You can do it. But for yourself. he will follow. he will not follow.
For you.
I was also "downing glasses of wine to “mellow me out” since high school :/"
Don't waste your life, if you are already feeling like this, its likely to get worse.
You can do it. But for yourself. he will follow. he will not follow.
For you.
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Thank y’all so much for responding. I guess the common theme here is that I can only control my drinking, not his. It’s definitely true but it’s a harsh reality I’ll have to accept! I can’t waste my time worrying about anyone’s habits but my own.
Good and bad news update: we haven’t drank for 3 days! He is his sweet self again! We argued over tax returns and ended the night with hugs and apologies— something alcohol would never let happen. BUT I’m the one having the problem!! I am getting so stressed out about silly little things and craving a glass of wine so badly. I paid our bills and ran some boring errands yesterday, and came home feeling like my head was spinning and would only stop if I drank myself to sleep. Quitting is so hard!!! When do these intense cravings stop?
Good and bad news update: we haven’t drank for 3 days! He is his sweet self again! We argued over tax returns and ended the night with hugs and apologies— something alcohol would never let happen. BUT I’m the one having the problem!! I am getting so stressed out about silly little things and craving a glass of wine so badly. I paid our bills and ran some boring errands yesterday, and came home feeling like my head was spinning and would only stop if I drank myself to sleep. Quitting is so hard!!! When do these intense cravings stop?
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Also, side note: our friends are actually being way more awesome about our sobriety than our family is! My husband’s office friends invited him out for drinks yesterday, and he said they all heavily commended him for quitting when he told them about our lifestyle change. I know they have never even seen his drunk anger, and they STILL thought it was excellent without even knowing the whole story. They even bought him some chicken wings whenever they went out (I think that’s how men show their support? Lol!). My girlfriends are super awesome about it, too. One was saying how much my skin was gonna glow and another said “well I guess we are gonna save a lot of money having coffee dates instead of wine nights!”
But... when I told my mom we were doing a “30 day challenge” she was very doubtful/dismissive. It hurt because this is not easy for me, especially with my intense cravings. She said, “well, I think y’all need to be realistic, I mean you’ve gotta have fun whenever you’re this young!” UGH! Since when does having fun=alcohol? Isn’t that what we all have learned in grade school health class, that you should never correlate getting inebriated with fun?? But because it’s my mother, her words keep creeping on me whenever I get stressed and mentally reach for that bottle of wine...
But... when I told my mom we were doing a “30 day challenge” she was very doubtful/dismissive. It hurt because this is not easy for me, especially with my intense cravings. She said, “well, I think y’all need to be realistic, I mean you’ve gotta have fun whenever you’re this young!” UGH! Since when does having fun=alcohol? Isn’t that what we all have learned in grade school health class, that you should never correlate getting inebriated with fun?? But because it’s my mother, her words keep creeping on me whenever I get stressed and mentally reach for that bottle of wine...
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
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Our nearest and dearest may love us, but they're not necessarily equipped to understand what we're going through, the nature or alcoholism, or about recovery. And why would they be? After all, most of us don't arrive at this board knowing an awful lot ourselves (Well, I certainly didnt). I remember being cross that people didn't understand the extent of my problem. Lol. Now I can appreciate that the fact I spent so much time and effort covering my tracks and trying to make myself seem as 'normal' as I could that no-one knew the true extent of my drinking, my shame over certain behaviour, or how hopeless if caused me to feel, because I had HIDDEN it. Of course, in early recovery when I was all jangley I was just mad at them for not 'getting it' (esp as I hadn't yet learned the words to describe it).
Why not check out a couple of AA meetings. That way you can listen to people who are ahead of you on the reciovery path, and talk to them (if you want to) and start making sense of all this stuff. That support and having a place I could talk about how i was feeling without getting mad at or worrying my friends and family was a life saver.
BB
Why not check out a couple of AA meetings. That way you can listen to people who are ahead of you on the reciovery path, and talk to them (if you want to) and start making sense of all this stuff. That support and having a place I could talk about how i was feeling without getting mad at or worrying my friends and family was a life saver.
BB
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