Hello everyone - wife of AH
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8
Hello everyone - wife of AH
Hi everyone,
I would like to introduce myself in this cyberspace. First of all, please accept my apologies for my English, it's not my mother tongue nor is it one of official state languages in my country. It's a foreign language to me but I will do my best to express myself the way you can understand.
I live in Lithuania so quite far away from many of you I guess but it does not matter, we still share common issues.
I am the wife of a functioning alcoholic, and we have two small kids. I grew up in a family where alcohol was not an issue but now I understand that there were some signs of dysfunction in it which made me as the first child learn some co-dependent behaviour since my childhood. My sister has been diagnosed with bipolar disorder and my father sometimes shows signs of this illness as well though he denies being ill with one. My mother is also co-dependent and submissive to him. My husband's father (passed away many years ago) was an alcoholic, and my mother-in-law is very protective of her only son and does not approve of me detaching from his illness.
I am a mess but I try to keep my head up and hope that I am capable of dealing with all my problems. I have been attending individual therapy for eating disorder for almost a year, and I am a sexual assault survivor twice so I struggle a lot with my self- esteem and actually try to get rid of this body-hate issue lingering on for years and years. My husband is emotionally unavailable and as we live at a quite a distance from Vilnius the capital and I'm the one who's responsible for driving the kids to nursery/school I am unable to attend local Al-Anon meetings which take place on workdays. Luckily, there is one on Saturdays, I am attending it at least twice a month during weeks when I don't have therapy (cause my husband is reluctant to add his share to the family budget so I have to save a lot). I also like to read Al-Anon literature - when I have time for that.
I have been struggling with low self-esteem issues throughout the most of my life I guess. I was loved conditionally in my parent family and this is still continuing in my relationship with my AH who was also a wounded child as far as I understand. It is still a challenge for me to have some "me" time, to get enough sleep, to eat healthily, and to find time for exercise because I have a feeling deep inside me that I am not worth it. I manage to ignore it most of the time but then this inner void is just too awful for me to bear. This in my opinion has led me towards various ways of "acting out" this feeling of emptiness by binging and excessive exercising, binging and drinking, speeding, tons of affairs (many of them involving unprotected sex), shopping, and the like. I am still in some kinky relationships outside my marriage but they are more emotional than physical at the moment and I am starting to detach from them more and more, maybe that is the effect of my therapy, and thanks God. I still tend to give more in any relationship and to take less. I need to change this dynamic.
Because of my past experiences involving sexual abuse I find it so hard to love myself, to love my body, I know I have to but it is so hard, I hate being alone and to endure all these negative feelings. I have went to the church and prayed several times (particularly when I had to endure criminal proceedings regarding sexual assaults on me), and it helped me, it calmed these racing thoughts. I am still on the journey to loving myself more, I just need to take it one day at a time and to introduce little things which would help me care more about myself. I am determined that it would be easier for me to do it with the help of external support I hope to find there.
Thank you for letting me share that.
I would like to introduce myself in this cyberspace. First of all, please accept my apologies for my English, it's not my mother tongue nor is it one of official state languages in my country. It's a foreign language to me but I will do my best to express myself the way you can understand.
I live in Lithuania so quite far away from many of you I guess but it does not matter, we still share common issues.
I am the wife of a functioning alcoholic, and we have two small kids. I grew up in a family where alcohol was not an issue but now I understand that there were some signs of dysfunction in it which made me as the first child learn some co-dependent behaviour since my childhood. My sister has been diagnosed with bipolar disorder and my father sometimes shows signs of this illness as well though he denies being ill with one. My mother is also co-dependent and submissive to him. My husband's father (passed away many years ago) was an alcoholic, and my mother-in-law is very protective of her only son and does not approve of me detaching from his illness.
I am a mess but I try to keep my head up and hope that I am capable of dealing with all my problems. I have been attending individual therapy for eating disorder for almost a year, and I am a sexual assault survivor twice so I struggle a lot with my self- esteem and actually try to get rid of this body-hate issue lingering on for years and years. My husband is emotionally unavailable and as we live at a quite a distance from Vilnius the capital and I'm the one who's responsible for driving the kids to nursery/school I am unable to attend local Al-Anon meetings which take place on workdays. Luckily, there is one on Saturdays, I am attending it at least twice a month during weeks when I don't have therapy (cause my husband is reluctant to add his share to the family budget so I have to save a lot). I also like to read Al-Anon literature - when I have time for that.
I have been struggling with low self-esteem issues throughout the most of my life I guess. I was loved conditionally in my parent family and this is still continuing in my relationship with my AH who was also a wounded child as far as I understand. It is still a challenge for me to have some "me" time, to get enough sleep, to eat healthily, and to find time for exercise because I have a feeling deep inside me that I am not worth it. I manage to ignore it most of the time but then this inner void is just too awful for me to bear. This in my opinion has led me towards various ways of "acting out" this feeling of emptiness by binging and excessive exercising, binging and drinking, speeding, tons of affairs (many of them involving unprotected sex), shopping, and the like. I am still in some kinky relationships outside my marriage but they are more emotional than physical at the moment and I am starting to detach from them more and more, maybe that is the effect of my therapy, and thanks God. I still tend to give more in any relationship and to take less. I need to change this dynamic.
Because of my past experiences involving sexual abuse I find it so hard to love myself, to love my body, I know I have to but it is so hard, I hate being alone and to endure all these negative feelings. I have went to the church and prayed several times (particularly when I had to endure criminal proceedings regarding sexual assaults on me), and it helped me, it calmed these racing thoughts. I am still on the journey to loving myself more, I just need to take it one day at a time and to introduce little things which would help me care more about myself. I am determined that it would be easier for me to do it with the help of external support I hope to find there.
Thank you for letting me share that.
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Ashburn, VA
Posts: 30,196
HI, Gilea. Welcome!
This is a wonderful forum for support and feeling warmly embraced and not judged.
I must say, your English is excellent! You've done masterfully!
I've got a bunch of Lithuanian cousins, by the way.
You've got a very challenging schedule to keep up with. You've got a lot of things to juggle.
I'm glad you're able to see a therapist--and I'm glad that you are finding some peace and wisdom in prayer.
It sounds like you've learned to recognize self-destructive behavior and are striving to give it up. Good! You've been hurt enough--why should you hurt yourself?
Feel free to look around this whole site and post wherever you see fit. I would like to point out that there is a family and friends of alcoholics section, which may offer a lot of useful advice for you in dealing with your husband.
Please stay around! Though there are many Australians and Europeans, most of the people on here are from the USA, and this is the middle of the night for us. If you don't see responses right away, please don't be discouraged; you'll see them next time you look.
Welcome again!
This is a wonderful forum for support and feeling warmly embraced and not judged.
I must say, your English is excellent! You've done masterfully!
I've got a bunch of Lithuanian cousins, by the way.
You've got a very challenging schedule to keep up with. You've got a lot of things to juggle.
I'm glad you're able to see a therapist--and I'm glad that you are finding some peace and wisdom in prayer.
It sounds like you've learned to recognize self-destructive behavior and are striving to give it up. Good! You've been hurt enough--why should you hurt yourself?
Feel free to look around this whole site and post wherever you see fit. I would like to point out that there is a family and friends of alcoholics section, which may offer a lot of useful advice for you in dealing with your husband.
Please stay around! Though there are many Australians and Europeans, most of the people on here are from the USA, and this is the middle of the night for us. If you don't see responses right away, please don't be discouraged; you'll see them next time you look.
Welcome again!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Australia
Posts: 1,499
Hi Gilea, welcome to SR. You seem very thoughtful and insightful about your issues. I wish you all the best as you negotiate all these very painful issues as well as dealing with your husband. As Gilmer said, there is a Family and Friends part of this forum where you may find even more specific support. All the best to you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8
Thanks everyone for a warm welcome!
I can sense depression crawling in, and I made an appointment with my psychiatrist next week, also seeing my psychotherapist that week. My little son seems now to be ill so I'm afraid I will have to cancel these appointments now, unless I arrange some babysitting for him
I will not attend Al Anon meeting today either because of this but I'm going there next week. I will try to do the best I can with what's available for me at the given moment.
I am glad that I have absolutely no wish to get involved in any kinky conversations with my "lover" (I call him that way but we actually have not been physically together for a year but I find it hard to break up with him - because I feel he needs me. codependency sucks but I'm working on it during my therapy) - maybe that's because of that depression, I lost interest even in sex. I'll see my doctor and listen to what she says about that.
I can sense depression crawling in, and I made an appointment with my psychiatrist next week, also seeing my psychotherapist that week. My little son seems now to be ill so I'm afraid I will have to cancel these appointments now, unless I arrange some babysitting for him
I will not attend Al Anon meeting today either because of this but I'm going there next week. I will try to do the best I can with what's available for me at the given moment.I am glad that I have absolutely no wish to get involved in any kinky conversations with my "lover" (I call him that way but we actually have not been physically together for a year but I find it hard to break up with him - because I feel he needs me. codependency sucks but I'm working on it during my therapy) - maybe that's because of that depression, I lost interest even in sex. I'll see my doctor and listen to what she says about that.
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Ashburn, VA
Posts: 30,196
You should do what you know is best for you.
Don't linger in a toxic relationship because you feel sorry for the guy. Nobody wants to be someone's charity case! It will be better for him if you make a clean break.
You will get over him and he will get over you. It may seem impossible now to disentangle--but nobody is indispensable. He will eventually move on--as will you.
I hope your son feels better soon!
Don't linger in a toxic relationship because you feel sorry for the guy. Nobody wants to be someone's charity case! It will be better for him if you make a clean break.
You will get over him and he will get over you. It may seem impossible now to disentangle--but nobody is indispensable. He will eventually move on--as will you.
I hope your son feels better soon!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8
Thanks for the advice. I did broke up with him yesterday and explained my motives for that. Now all contacts are gone and I feel very calm and satisfied with myself Though I still have much work to do.
I will definitely look into the section for co-dependents and also for eating disorder. Thanks!
Though I still have much work to do. I will definitely look into the section for co-dependents and also for eating disorder. Thanks!
Blue Belt
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Soberville, USA
Posts: 4,174
Gilea,
Welcome.
Most of the activity is in this area and hopefully other folks w similar exp will chime in.
I'm an clean 18 months, but I dealt w drunks and drugies my whole life.
I have mommy issues as well.
Something I have been having success w lately is...getting out of my head.
Letting the past go and living in the now. Obviously, we all have responsibilities and must address those...but I work to not think about the possibilities.
Live in the now.
Regarding your relationship w your lover....1 year w out intamacy w a live in opposite sex is a long time.
That is a red flag to me.
Thanks.
Welcome.
Most of the activity is in this area and hopefully other folks w similar exp will chime in.
I'm an clean 18 months, but I dealt w drunks and drugies my whole life.
I have mommy issues as well.
Something I have been having success w lately is...getting out of my head.
Letting the past go and living in the now. Obviously, we all have responsibilities and must address those...but I work to not think about the possibilities.
Live in the now.
Regarding your relationship w your lover....1 year w out intamacy w a live in opposite sex is a long time.
That is a red flag to me.
Thanks.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8
Thanks D122y, I'm trying to live in the now. As to that "lover", we both have different married partners, I was not referring to my AH here. Our relationship was kinda kinky with a lot of stuff going on online but well it's all over now. I thought that unless I break up with him neither he nor me would deal with our problems in our marriage because this was one of the ways of running from them. At least for me.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8
Hi everyone. Just needed to vent here. I have been attending group therapy since this January and I am also thinking about individual therapy. Feel much better but I am still struggling with the fact that my husband drinks beer everyday, well, at least 5 days a week. And that's 7 to 8 beers per night. He is in denial and he says he has a right to relax because he works hard during the day. He does not have a permanent job but he has casual jobs and does provide for the family, buys food, pays his bills, etc. However, he is emotionally distant from me because of the booze. I am starting to think that we are now in kinda emotional divorce situation and I am exploring what still keeps me in this relationship...
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,981
Welcome back. Unfortunately there is nothing you can do to get him to stop drinking. Once alcoholism overcomes you, it becomes your life and really nothing else matters. Not family, not work, nothing, just the booze.
That's great that you have been going to therapy for yourself, and that's really all you can do is to help keep yourself together. In the end it really comes down to how much you want to put up with this before it's time to move on instead of wasting your life away.
That's great that you have been going to therapy for yourself, and that's really all you can do is to help keep yourself together. In the end it really comes down to how much you want to put up with this before it's time to move on instead of wasting your life away.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8
Thanks for the support. There were a few incidents recently, one related to verbal abuse against my kids, another one was regarding my MIL's loudly expressed contempt for my parents not contributing enough to the welfare of the family (in my presence, my parents were not around) and my husband (sober at that time) saying nothing to stand up for me. All this was the last straw for me and I have decided to move on with my life. I need to take proper care of myself and my kids.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
