Butterfly

Hi I've never been on one of these sites before so not really sure how much I should say but here goes. My husband has left me after nearly 18 years together he likes to drink a bit to much for my liking I'm not sure if he would be called an alcoholic although he did leave saying he needs to be On his own and wants to drink when he wants to. He says that he needs to be on his own to figure out why he drinks the way he does and to see if he will drink every night!!!! He has always had issues with alcohol when we first met he would drink heavily and would disappear for days on end.

The last few years have more been about drinking to the point were he passes out and on occasion getting up the next day and drinking. Given our history I am very anxious around him when he drinks for fear that he will continue drinking the next day. He is well aware of this but despite telling him how I feel he continues to drink. I went away on holiday in Sept with friends and asked him not to drink while I was away as he was looking after the kids of course he drank every night and I couldn't relax on holiday incise something happened and how would I get home.

Since Christmas it has been particularly bad as a family member is dying and he would be involved in the care of him. He decided in January that he wouldn't drink for a month but once feb hit he drank to the point of passing out more often than just the weekends and would continue drinking the next day. As usual he would be remorseful and promise to never drink again and he didn't want to keep hurting me and he would do what ever was necessary to save our marriage he was worried I would leave him!!!! By the time the weekend came he had himself talked round that he wasn't harming anyone and having a drink would be ok

. One day he came back after being out all night said he was leaving and didn't love me anymore he went out drinking. The next day he again apologised saying I can't believe I almost chose alcohol over you!!! He would tell me how scared he was of losing me and if he was on his own he would just drink to manage the loneliness of not having me and again promised the world and how he hated hurting me.

Two weeks later he tells me he's leaving that he can't keep hurting me and needs to be on his own to figure this out as he hasn't been happy.

We had a whole future planned he kept saying everything we would do together how much he loved me he was fearful that I would leave him!!!! I am devastated even though he has hurt me many times over the years I thought he was learning to control his alcohol use but I was wrong. I don't understand why he can leave if he loves us as much as he says he does but within the space of 3 weeks he's started the process of buying a house can't give me any answers except that he needs to be on his own to figure out whether he wants to drink and drink if he wants. I love him with all my heart and feel so lonely and confused. I keep asking myself what have I done he must have left because of me I'm not good enough or he doesn't love me anymore then I become angry and think he must have been planning this or if he loved me as much as he says he does he would seek help. He is seeing his doctor who has put him on anti depressants and he says he will see a councillor but if he's willing to do that why didn't he agree all the times I asked him. He says he hopes there is a way back for us and wants to be with me but can't have me at the present he needs to sort his behaviour out. I am so confused angry upset. I don't know who I am without him he is the only person I thought loved and cared for me and when he's not drinking he's the most thoughtful loving man. Please help me to understand.

I apologise if this seems like I am rambling but I need to get it all out.

Anna

Hi,

You've told your husband many times, that his drinking is not acceptable to you.

He has moved out now so he can decide what he wants to do at this time.

It makes sense to me.

Take some time to figure out what is important to you. AlAnon would be a good option for support for yourself.

bllit

he needs some help hes just running away from his problem hang in there

Holli

I am sorry for what you are going through.

Angel Alcoholic

He needs help and it looks like he has reached out and doing it on his own. Take this time to Try to focus on you and who you are cause self love is so important.

FeelingGreat

Hi Confused, I'm sorry for the situation that has brought you here.
It sounds like your husband is an alcoholic; that may seem obvious to you, but the point is he can't stop drinking for any length of time, and he's getting worse. Unless he becomes sober, that's your future. As an untreated A he has to choose the alcohol over you, and probably the main reason he's left is so he can drink unrestricted and unwatched.

You can't control his drinking, which you know already. All you can do right now is look after yourself, educated yourself on alcoholism, and try and get some support. Al-anon, for family of A's would be a good start. Use the time he's away to work on yourself.

You haven't said much about your circumstances, whether you have children and if his leaving has caused you hardship. It may seem cold, but please give some thought to your financial situation and what you can do to secure it. Nothing has to be decided now, but try not to bury your head in the sand; just take some small steps on the practical side.

I'm sure other posters will have a lot to say as well. You're not on your own, there are many on this site who have walked in your shoes.

Butterfly

Thank you for your replies. He has just told me he doesn't want to see a councillor and again states he just wants to be on his own. I have 2 children who are very angry with him and feel that he has chosen alcohol over them.

This is the issue with him one day he wants help and doesn't want to drink then the next he doesn't want help and wants to drink. I don't know how to help him but at the same time iam angry and feel he has lied to me about how much he loves me. How can he just walk out on us!! I think your right feeling great he wants to drink unrestricted cos at home I wanted him to get help if he's away he doesn't have to he. Feels as though he won't bother or hurt anyone

FeelingGreat

Confused, if he doesn't want a counsellor, just wants to work it out for himself then he's not looking to recover any time soon. At the moment all he wants to do it drink.

This is going to sound harsh, but as much as you love him, you and children are not his priority. That would be the bottle.

You are going to have to be very strong, and work on yourself and your family's welfare. Make plans as if he isn't around, and if he does recover nothing will have been wasted. But he's really told you what his intentions are, and that's to drink. Your children and you may benefit from family or individual therapy, and don't forget Al-anon.

Try to clear your head enough to think about the financial and legal side. See a lawyer and get advice on where you stand. For instance, is he spending his salary, or your joint savings on buying his new house? Is he supporting the children? Do you have access and visibility of his bank accounts? Are you able to support yourself?

Sorry to sound so hard hearted, I know that it's an emotional time for you and children.

Butterfly

Thank you. Financially he won't take the house and will continue to help financially but won't be able to afford much as he doesn't earn a lot. There are days iam very angry Nd others I don't want to get out of bed! I have been reading up on why people chose drink over their family but I still don't understand. Thank you feeling great for your advice

whiskeyman

I have been there too

“The crazy thing about alcoholism is it distorts your priorities so much that you’d rather die and lose your job and lose your family than contemplate stopping your relationship with this substance that you literally love.”

He will hit bottom, you cant make him get there faster. It will be in HIS time.

If he has decided to move out, he is probably going thru "this is all their fault" phase.
Maybe if they didnt do this too me i would be fine.
When really it is he that needs to fix him.

Just hang in there, be strong and talk to your kids about alcoholism as an illness and right now dad is just sick.

Butterfly

Hi whiskey man why is it that alcohol is his first priority? And how will I know if he hits rock bottom I thought he's hit it so many times before the last time after his recent binges but obviously I was wrong!

I try to talk to the kids but they don't understand and I am not very good at explaining that it is an illness but as I don't understand the hold it has it's hard to explain

I feel that I am to blame if he was happy he wouldn't want to drink if I made him happy and he loved me and the kids as much as he says he would get help. I. Go between anger and devastation.

Thank you

Sparkos

Hi confused. You absolutely must not blame yourself. This really isn't your fault at all.
We alcoholics go through the whole thing of blaming everyone except the real one who's at fault. Ourselves!
I'm not surprised you don't understand. I'm not sure I understand myself.
They call it a baffling disease. And that it surely is!
Take the good advice proffered in the previous posts, and look after yourself and your children.

grubby

People suck.

Move on

Remember, the only person you can truly, absolutely, 100% rely on or trust in this world is yourself

...... and of course, you cant "change" other people, from the details in your post it sounds like he is an alcoholic, so be it

LadyinBC

Hi Confused.

So sorry that you are going thru this. When caught up in our addiction all we care about is the booze, how we get and when we can drink it. Everything else goes out the window. At least that was how it was for me. Everything else suffered and god help anyone who wanted to interfere in my drinking.

There is also the family forum I have given you the link below, great place with lots of support and help from those that have to deal with us. You are welcome to post here and there. There is support all over this board.

Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

MythOfSisyphus

That is so wrong! His drinking has nothing at all to do with you and everything to do with him. It's not your fault. Addiction makes people horrible; to a drunk, drinking comes before all else.

As hard as it is to admit given you have 18 years together, alcohol is running the show here. I agree, Al-Anon would be helpful for you. It can help you deal with things and guide you in how to explain things to the kids. Take care of them and yourself now. There's not much you can do for your husband until he's ready to change for himself.

Ruby2

You could do everything he wants that he says will make him happy. You could twist yourself into knots bending over backwards for him. But he will still not be happy. It is so very hard to understand but this is not your fault and no matter what you do you cannot make him happy. Please don't beat yourself up. Don't spend your time thinking "if only I had done X, Y or Z this wouldn't be happening and he would be happy and not drink. It would still be happening.

Most alcoholics are a pretty unhappy lot to begin with and it has nothing to do with the drinking. You and your children didn't make him that way. Drinking does become the be all and end all of our existence. To a greater or lesser degree depending. The house could be on fire but if there is still alcohol remaining in the bottle we will stop to drink it.

Take care of yourself and the children. Protect yourself financially and emotionally. Come here for support.

jdooner

He could be drinking for many reasons. If he is alcoholic he is most likely using the alcohol to quell a pain or emotional discourse. He might be physically dependent and need the alcohol to function. Many of us start out drinking to "feel" better or something. Alcohol provides an immediate pleasure. So we drink more and more. We rationalize and then cross some imaginary line when the alcohol becomes its own problem. Its a depressant and we get depressed, at least I did and we don't want to drink. Someone else said it best, "we don't want to die but we don't want to live but we don't know how to stop." It becomes a vicious cycle and it will destroy everything around the active alcoholic, family, financial it is a basic addiction that steals everything.

I sort of liken where your husband is at to someone possessed. It helps to realize he is not he same man you married right now. The alcohol has taken over and he needs to want to stop. You can try an intervention and that might help. You don't have to hit absolute bottom to stop but he will need to realize his own bottom for it to stick. He of course does not want to see anyone - that would be like someone possessed wanting to see a priest - remember Poltergeist - sorry to make light.

It might be helpful for you to seek your own counseling and perhaps attend AlAnon. There is also a Friends and Family support section that you might relate to others going through this experience.

badatbooze

I can relate to him. When all is negative and what you do is constantly wrong and you feel you are constantly hurting your family with your drinking. I thought of leaving lots of times over the years thinking I was ruining everyone life. You can't stop the drinking...wife's always disappointed...you think maybe they would be better off without me around. I can relate because I have been there. He sounds a lot like myself. I doubt he likes drinking at all. He is just trapped in hell. I'm very sorry that he has left you. He may just be tired of hurting and disappointing you.

Butterfly

How do I help him?

EJ43

In my opinion, you don't help him. Agree with him and say living apart is the best thing for now. Make your children feel secure and loved. Do some
Nice things for yourself, make plans with friends, get your nails done. When he sees you moving
On trying to be happy and make your kids happy, it may be the kick in the pants he needs, if not, you have already begun your own journey. Best of luck, I am sorry for your pain.