Problems with Intimacy
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 5
Problems with Intimacy
Day 81! I went on a date the other day and when he kissed me, I froze. I don't really want to hear a bunch of people telling me when its OK to date... I want to know who else experienced this problem? I realized I have yet to kiss someone, or Anything, sober! And even though I want to, it terrifies me!!!! Thoughts??:rotfxko
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: UK
Posts: 746
JuliettaStar
I have made a list of my first times. First sober day, first sober week, month. First sober birthday. First sober 1/2 year. And so on.
I would love to add to my list MY first sober KISS.
Try to create your own list and see if you like it
I have made a list of my first times. First sober day, first sober week, month. First sober birthday. First sober 1/2 year. And so on.
I would love to add to my list MY first sober KISS.
Try to create your own list and see if you like it
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: philadelphia
Posts: 54
i am worried about that myself. Its an esteem issue i feel. I don't feel attractive enough when i am sober. uggg its all bull but it still does not hide the fact we feel that way. We can find love without the booze.
Good luck!!
Good luck!!
That bell or bike person
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: london
Posts: 4,978
I feel that i'll leave it to those things in life greater than myself, i'm not a person who is good in the driving seat with such things.
If it isn't happening naturally i'd not do it and carry on working on living .
Bestwishes, M
If it isn't happening naturally i'd not do it and carry on working on living .
Bestwishes, M
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Austin, TX
Posts: 61
I don't freeze for a kiss, but I have huge intimacy problems - it's one of the reasons I picked up the bottle in the first place. I thought it would make me more outgoing.
Not to sound like I am bragging - it's nothing I have any control over, I got lucky - but I'm told that I am a good-looking guy. Yet, I haven't the slightest idea how to maintain an intimate relationship.
It's annoying.
Not to sound like I am bragging - it's nothing I have any control over, I got lucky - but I'm told that I am a good-looking guy. Yet, I haven't the slightest idea how to maintain an intimate relationship.
It's annoying.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Australia
Posts: 346
Originally Posted by iWillBSobr 
I don't freeze for a kiss, but I have huge intimacy problems - it's one of the reasons I picked up the bottle in the first place. I thought it would make me more outgoing.
Ha! I recall one occasion where i'd bought some fancy new lingerie and his response was to roll over and watch a documentary on Fred and Rosemary West for 2 hours. I rolled the other way and cried for 2 hours straight. Not a great way to bolster a 20 year-old's already flailing self-esteem 0_o
Grateful to be free
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Arizona
Posts: 3,680
When I got clean and sober, I thought I was clean and sober, then realized that I was NOT clean and sober in all areas of my life. There were still areas that I was compulsively using things, people, behaviors, and areas where I was compulsively avoiding the same.
I have learned my recovery can't be rushed, as time goes by I encounter situations and feelings that shock or paralyze me. I don't have to "do" anything about them, at least at first, but notice and acknowledge them. Then I allow myself to feel them. I keep an open mind, and often when I do THAT...connections begin to appear, my mind begins to understand or realize why I am having issues in a particular area. And that allows me to clean out some of the "junk" or at least allow some healing and self acceptance to seep in.
It's a process.
Love/sex/romance issues have always been a bugaboo for me. My tendency was to apply them liberally to cover up self esteem issues, fear of abandonment etc etc. In early recovery, I just kept right on doing that. Then I realized it was just another addiction and stopped short, Then realized that compulsively NOT having any such contact wasn't the answer either. What I wanted, ultimately was to have appropriate contact.
It's a process, and sometimes a bumpy ride. I tried some things and allowed myself to feel what I felt, and ask myself if I wanted to go there, and why, and was I ok with it.
I've been in recovery for over three years, this hasn't been something that I "solved" overnight, and I still have a ways to go.
In your post I sense that you are working that process. Recognizing your feelings and stopping to see what they are about. Knowing there is a block, and recognizing that you want to grow through it. That is the process that I am going through, and learning about myself, how I relate, what I want and don't want in relationships. When to say yes, to myself and a partner, and when to say no.
I want to do it right the first time, every time, to always feel comfortable with my choices, to not have any regrets, to be healed and whole. It has not worked that way, I realize the open mindedness and patience with myself are necessary.
My first kiss sober, was not my first sober kiss...meaning that sex/romance was still an area I was all over the map with. But it was a very important kiss, because it led me to some important realizations.
I don't think avoiding dating/romance/sex is absolutely necessary or wise for everyone. For some of us, yes, we need to step back entirely for awhile until we get some things under control. Sometimes we only realize this after we've stepped in that direction and gotten a sting or two. But eventually, if we ever want that sort of relationship, we have to "go there", and sort it out as we go, just like every other area of our lives.
Going into it with an open heart, and eyes, and having given ourselves permission to move ahead or step back in our own best interest...is critical.
I wanted to just be able to go into a relationship with perfect confidence and grace, the same way I wanted to be able to do everything "normally" when I got sober. It's a process. I've tried on a variety of approaches to see if they fit. If it doesn't fit, I try something else...the way I have to try on several shoes or pants before I find the right pair. I don't mean try on different partners, though that was necessary too, but try on different approaches and mind sets. Did I want sex, desire, love, being taken care of ,commitment, adoration, gifts, etc etc.
Over three years in and I am finally gaining some sense of what I want and need, knowing when to say no, how to be playful, how I feel about myself when I act seductive.
Avoiding sex/love/romance isn't the answer for me, approaching them honestly is.
I have learned my recovery can't be rushed, as time goes by I encounter situations and feelings that shock or paralyze me. I don't have to "do" anything about them, at least at first, but notice and acknowledge them. Then I allow myself to feel them. I keep an open mind, and often when I do THAT...connections begin to appear, my mind begins to understand or realize why I am having issues in a particular area. And that allows me to clean out some of the "junk" or at least allow some healing and self acceptance to seep in.
It's a process.
Love/sex/romance issues have always been a bugaboo for me. My tendency was to apply them liberally to cover up self esteem issues, fear of abandonment etc etc. In early recovery, I just kept right on doing that. Then I realized it was just another addiction and stopped short, Then realized that compulsively NOT having any such contact wasn't the answer either. What I wanted, ultimately was to have appropriate contact.
It's a process, and sometimes a bumpy ride. I tried some things and allowed myself to feel what I felt, and ask myself if I wanted to go there, and why, and was I ok with it.
I've been in recovery for over three years, this hasn't been something that I "solved" overnight, and I still have a ways to go.
In your post I sense that you are working that process. Recognizing your feelings and stopping to see what they are about. Knowing there is a block, and recognizing that you want to grow through it. That is the process that I am going through, and learning about myself, how I relate, what I want and don't want in relationships. When to say yes, to myself and a partner, and when to say no.
I want to do it right the first time, every time, to always feel comfortable with my choices, to not have any regrets, to be healed and whole. It has not worked that way, I realize the open mindedness and patience with myself are necessary.
My first kiss sober, was not my first sober kiss...meaning that sex/romance was still an area I was all over the map with. But it was a very important kiss, because it led me to some important realizations.
I don't think avoiding dating/romance/sex is absolutely necessary or wise for everyone. For some of us, yes, we need to step back entirely for awhile until we get some things under control. Sometimes we only realize this after we've stepped in that direction and gotten a sting or two. But eventually, if we ever want that sort of relationship, we have to "go there", and sort it out as we go, just like every other area of our lives.
Going into it with an open heart, and eyes, and having given ourselves permission to move ahead or step back in our own best interest...is critical.
I wanted to just be able to go into a relationship with perfect confidence and grace, the same way I wanted to be able to do everything "normally" when I got sober. It's a process. I've tried on a variety of approaches to see if they fit. If it doesn't fit, I try something else...the way I have to try on several shoes or pants before I find the right pair. I don't mean try on different partners, though that was necessary too, but try on different approaches and mind sets. Did I want sex, desire, love, being taken care of ,commitment, adoration, gifts, etc etc.
Over three years in and I am finally gaining some sense of what I want and need, knowing when to say no, how to be playful, how I feel about myself when I act seductive.
Avoiding sex/love/romance isn't the answer for me, approaching them honestly is.
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