Lost and Confused
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 1
Lost and Confused
Okay, I'm new here so "Hi all!" I turned to this forum as a way to vent my current situation. I'm sorry if these kinds of posts happen often, I just like the idea of putting it out there and possibly getting feedback...
My partner and I have been together for two years now and things are always really good or entirely catastrophic. Right now it's the latter of the two. Let me start of with a little information about us. We are two college students (early 20s) who live together currently. Different substances have come in and out of our lives throughout our relationship, but there hasn't been a single time I really felt okay with them. I've tolerated them, yes, but I've always felt like drugs and alcohol lead to destructive behaviors. You see, my mother is an alcoholic and my father struggled with an addiction to Xanax. Now I fear my partner is struggling with an addiction himself.
Over the past two years, I've learned that he likes to indulge in anything he can get his hands on. Usually, it's alcohol because it's so easily available. It wasn't until recently that I started to think it may be a serious problem. He's not the kind of person to drink everyday, but when he does drink he likes to binge. He's gone to AA meetings before (court ordered) but he seems to still be in denial. And if I bring it up he makes me feel crazy for even thinking he has a problem. Or I'm being "controlling". So after many fights and tears I eventually gave up trying so hard to get him to stop.
He actually started drinking less often and I thought that was progress. He had me convinced for awhile that it's okay to binge drink at least once a month. Is that ok? I mean, I realize we are young, but is it really "normal"? Im just really confused.
I know how his drinking negatively affects me and I can see what it does to him even more. Hes hit me, threatened me, and cheated on me all because of alcohol. He's also gotten himself 2 DWIs and multiple Public Intoxication charges. Keep in mind how young we are.
Ive been contemplating ending our relationship. Not just for my own sake, but for his too. I'm just afraid he might hurt himself if I do or something tragic might happen to him. I love him and care about his well being. To those of you who have been sober for awhile...do you think having a partner around helps or inhibits the recovery process? And to those of you who have been on my end, what do you suggest I do?
Edit: I should add that the reason I'm posting here is because I've started to drink with him as a way to to make myself feel better about the situation. Im scared that Im capable of developing an addiction of my own. Which is why considering leaving before i open Pandoras box, if i havent done so already. Hoping to find a little advice/support.
My partner and I have been together for two years now and things are always really good or entirely catastrophic. Right now it's the latter of the two. Let me start of with a little information about us. We are two college students (early 20s) who live together currently. Different substances have come in and out of our lives throughout our relationship, but there hasn't been a single time I really felt okay with them. I've tolerated them, yes, but I've always felt like drugs and alcohol lead to destructive behaviors. You see, my mother is an alcoholic and my father struggled with an addiction to Xanax. Now I fear my partner is struggling with an addiction himself.
Over the past two years, I've learned that he likes to indulge in anything he can get his hands on. Usually, it's alcohol because it's so easily available. It wasn't until recently that I started to think it may be a serious problem. He's not the kind of person to drink everyday, but when he does drink he likes to binge. He's gone to AA meetings before (court ordered) but he seems to still be in denial. And if I bring it up he makes me feel crazy for even thinking he has a problem. Or I'm being "controlling". So after many fights and tears I eventually gave up trying so hard to get him to stop.
He actually started drinking less often and I thought that was progress. He had me convinced for awhile that it's okay to binge drink at least once a month. Is that ok? I mean, I realize we are young, but is it really "normal"? Im just really confused.
I know how his drinking negatively affects me and I can see what it does to him even more. Hes hit me, threatened me, and cheated on me all because of alcohol. He's also gotten himself 2 DWIs and multiple Public Intoxication charges. Keep in mind how young we are.
Ive been contemplating ending our relationship. Not just for my own sake, but for his too. I'm just afraid he might hurt himself if I do or something tragic might happen to him. I love him and care about his well being. To those of you who have been sober for awhile...do you think having a partner around helps or inhibits the recovery process? And to those of you who have been on my end, what do you suggest I do?
Edit: I should add that the reason I'm posting here is because I've started to drink with him as a way to to make myself feel better about the situation. Im scared that Im capable of developing an addiction of my own. Which is why considering leaving before i open Pandoras box, if i havent done so already. Hoping to find a little advice/support.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Between Meetings
Posts: 8,997
Hey Tex....Welcome. Full blown alcoholic here. I wasn't a physical abuser of my past wife or ex-girlfriends...But I cheated and was verbally an A-Hole....Guess what?...They all left....And that was the best thing that happened for me. This guy dosen't want to stop...Not many court ordered AA people do..Although I'm sure there are a few out there. I don't like hearing about Men that put their hands on Women...Once would be enough for you to leave in my book. I do know that there is no way possible for you to get him to stop...And if it's dragging you with him...Even worse. You are so young and you have so much in front of you....Go out and find it. Maybe this guy needs his heart broken and his eyes opened...Like I did. For me...Repeatedly.
Good luck to you...Enjoy life....Don't get sucked down by it.
Good luck to you...Enjoy life....Don't get sucked down by it.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: North America
Posts: 1,628
If he's hitting you, that is unacceptable. Strong opinion i know, but had to say it.
Welcome to SR Tex. Lots of good folks here with great advise and information. I'm running out the door to work but am sure others will respond to your questions pdq. I'll be back in about 12 hours and check in.
Hang in there~~~~
Welcome to SR Tex. Lots of good folks here with great advise and information. I'm running out the door to work but am sure others will respond to your questions pdq. I'll be back in about 12 hours and check in.
Hang in there~~~~
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 92
Hello Tex!
Thank you for such an open and honest post. It takes courage to reach out for help, i commend you for putting yourself out there. I have been on both sides of your story and i understand how confused and lost you feel right now. I do not want to sound harsh but i have to question how his threatening, cheating and hitting is a special circumstance due to alcohol and your young age? No. Those are very hurtful behaviors and you deserve to be with someone who respects you and values your safety. It sounds like your partner has a serious problem and needs professional help. It also sounds like you grew up in an addicted household and probably learned some codependent behaviors which you may be repeating in this relationship. I feel your pain, it is heartbreaking to see someone you love self destruct. And now it appears you may be turning to alcohol to cope or somehow feel closer to your partner. I have a suggestion for you-pick up the book Codependent No More by Melody Beattie from the library, read it and see if any of it resonates with you. Stay strong and remember that you deserve to be healthy and happy. You can't control anyone's behavior but your own. Make choices in your life because they are right for you, not because you hope those choices will influence someone else's behavior. I hope you are alright and are being kind to yourself. Please take good care of yourself! xo
Thank you for such an open and honest post. It takes courage to reach out for help, i commend you for putting yourself out there. I have been on both sides of your story and i understand how confused and lost you feel right now. I do not want to sound harsh but i have to question how his threatening, cheating and hitting is a special circumstance due to alcohol and your young age? No. Those are very hurtful behaviors and you deserve to be with someone who respects you and values your safety. It sounds like your partner has a serious problem and needs professional help. It also sounds like you grew up in an addicted household and probably learned some codependent behaviors which you may be repeating in this relationship. I feel your pain, it is heartbreaking to see someone you love self destruct. And now it appears you may be turning to alcohol to cope or somehow feel closer to your partner. I have a suggestion for you-pick up the book Codependent No More by Melody Beattie from the library, read it and see if any of it resonates with you. Stay strong and remember that you deserve to be healthy and happy. You can't control anyone's behavior but your own. Make choices in your life because they are right for you, not because you hope those choices will influence someone else's behavior. I hope you are alright and are being kind to yourself. Please take good care of yourself! xo
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,573
Hi Tex
I'm afraid I don't think any of that is acceptable behaviour - no matter how young you both are.
You don't have to put up with him drinking, threatening you, hitting you or cheating on you.
I don't think it's acceptable for you to drink with him to try and fit in either - so many people here can tell you how dangerous, and futile that is.
I'm sure you're going to hear some strong opinions here - some of it you may even not like too much - but do listen - there's a lot of people here who've been exactly where you are now.
I think you should think more about this relationship and where you see it going.
Don't stay in it for concern for your bf - like a lot of us here your bf is making his bed, and you're helpless to stop it Tex - only your bf can do that - noone else can change his destiny but him.
Please do read around here, check out our Family and Friends forum and the abuse information there:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...out-abuse.html
D
I'm afraid I don't think any of that is acceptable behaviour - no matter how young you both are.
You don't have to put up with him drinking, threatening you, hitting you or cheating on you.
I don't think it's acceptable for you to drink with him to try and fit in either - so many people here can tell you how dangerous, and futile that is.
I'm sure you're going to hear some strong opinions here - some of it you may even not like too much - but do listen - there's a lot of people here who've been exactly where you are now.
I think you should think more about this relationship and where you see it going.
Don't stay in it for concern for your bf - like a lot of us here your bf is making his bed, and you're helpless to stop it Tex - only your bf can do that - noone else can change his destiny but him.
Please do read around here, check out our Family and Friends forum and the abuse information there:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...out-abuse.html
D
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Midwest
Posts: 471
Welcome, Tex! 
For me, the biggest thing is that it doesn't seem like your partner WANTS to stop drinking and get help. That would be huge for me. My husband has stuck by me through a lot of bad times and it's made a huge difference but I want to be sober. I still haven't ironed everything out yet, but I'm on the right path. The fact that he's treated you like you described and still doesn't see there's a problem is a red flag. Honestly, at this point, even though you love him, I would think about myself first. Please make sure that you stay healthy yourself, even if you have to leave him to stay that way. It worries me to hear you talk about drinking yourself. It is such a slippery slope and it's something you DON'T want to deal with. Please take care of yourself first. Until your partner wants help, there is nothing you can do.
For me, the biggest thing is that it doesn't seem like your partner WANTS to stop drinking and get help. That would be huge for me. My husband has stuck by me through a lot of bad times and it's made a huge difference but I want to be sober. I still haven't ironed everything out yet, but I'm on the right path. The fact that he's treated you like you described and still doesn't see there's a problem is a red flag. Honestly, at this point, even though you love him, I would think about myself first. Please make sure that you stay healthy yourself, even if you have to leave him to stay that way. It worries me to hear you talk about drinking yourself. It is such a slippery slope and it's something you DON'T want to deal with. Please take care of yourself first. Until your partner wants help, there is nothing you can do.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,578
I'm glad you posted.
Please know that being young is not an excuse for hitting someone. It he's hit you once, he'll hit you again. It has to do with who is, not his age.
Seek support for yourself through counselling or AlAnon.
Please know that being young is not an excuse for hitting someone. It he's hit you once, he'll hit you again. It has to do with who is, not his age.
Seek support for yourself through counselling or AlAnon.
Choosing Life
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Montana
Posts: 1,435
Welcome, Tex.
Physical abuse is never, ever okay. It's not enough to say that he's a good guy when he's sober and he only hits you/cheats on you/etc. when he's been drinking. If it's in his personality to be abusive, it won't matter whether he's drinking or not - he won't change. Being that alcoholism is a progressive disease, it's not going to get better for you unless he is serious about getting help, which it sounds like he isn't.
Aside from his drinking and abuse, it's also concerning that you have become his "drinking buddy", especially since addiction seems to run in your family. The last thing you want is an abusive alcoholic/addict boyfriend AND an alcohol problem of your own.
Please consider whether this is a healthy relationship for you. "Love" has nothing to do with staying in an abusive, unhealthy relationship. You are not responsible for what he might do to himself if you leave; he has created this situation and now he must live with the consequences of his behavior. None of this is your fault.
I wish you all the best and hope you make the best possible decision for your future.
Physical abuse is never, ever okay. It's not enough to say that he's a good guy when he's sober and he only hits you/cheats on you/etc. when he's been drinking. If it's in his personality to be abusive, it won't matter whether he's drinking or not - he won't change. Being that alcoholism is a progressive disease, it's not going to get better for you unless he is serious about getting help, which it sounds like he isn't.
Aside from his drinking and abuse, it's also concerning that you have become his "drinking buddy", especially since addiction seems to run in your family. The last thing you want is an abusive alcoholic/addict boyfriend AND an alcohol problem of your own.
Please consider whether this is a healthy relationship for you. "Love" has nothing to do with staying in an abusive, unhealthy relationship. You are not responsible for what he might do to himself if you leave; he has created this situation and now he must live with the consequences of his behavior. None of this is your fault.
I wish you all the best and hope you make the best possible decision for your future.
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