simplex

Do you ever feel like you're growing but you can't put it into words?

I feel like I'm putting a lot of effort in to my recovery yet at the same time the further into it I get the more insecure/frightened I feel. I don't really even know what I would be looking for to see signs of progress. I say to myself, "well (real name) what do you want out of life?" and there is just nothing. I feel like there should be something there when I ask myself that. Sometimes it's like my thoughts are the completely opposed and conflicted about a lot of different things I'm thinking about, like sense of self, my perception of reality, etc.

I guess the hardest part for me right now is realizing that I don't have to get it all in one day. (But I REALLY want to!) I've noticed that I get depressed at around the same time every night because I never feel like I've done enough.

I have a very hard time communicating any of this to anyone in reality. I don't want to seem selfish talking about me or I feel I can never find the perfect words to express what I'm thinking.

I'm mentally scattershot I suppose yet thankful to be going through this. I feel like it's necessary in some larger ways that I don't really understand. I hope this makes sense I just needed to release something.

Dee74

Hi simplex

I came so close to dying from my drinking that just being alive and not drunk was enough of a daily achievement for a while

I do get you though - you want to be 'fixed', 'well', and 'better' - in all respects - and you want it yesterday.

I was incredibily impatient. I was so used to controlling things and instant gratification.

One of the best lessons I ever got though was that my recovery takes time - the journey matters as much, if not more as the destination to me...

and it's not always me that sets the timetable...I often found 'growing experiences' where and when I never expected them to be...

take your time & smell those roses simplex - I suspect you're right where you need to be - and after all you have the rest of your life to do this, right?

D

sugarbear1

I have no idea how to judge my own progress. I know my thinking is better than it was...

I attend aa meetings and I have a sponsor & homegroup. These people talk with mme before & after meetings, which is when they honestly let me know what they see or notice. This is how I get more feedback. My sponsor also knows me well and honestly helps!

EmeraldRose

Ya know, simplex, one of the best lessons I learned during my sobriety (as of January) is patience. As an alcoholic, my first instinct is to hurry up and wait. I was the type that read the last page of a book to see how it ended.
Now, I realize that slowing down and reading between the lines is more beneficial than speedreading -trying to be better, trying to be well, trying to get to that epiphany.
It seems that the more patient I am, and the more time I take, the more organized things seem to be 'placed' into my world. If you rush and want to get to the end, you might miss something -if you slow down, things happen to let you know you're on the right road, things happen that make you realize and learn an inner comfort and peace.
I don't believe that there's a destination to my journey...I believe that my journey is an ongoing process and only I can understand and comprehend the situations that surround me in my life. Each day is a new day, a new experience a new chance to be better than the day before. There is no final chapter to my book.


If you have a hard time, write it down, try forming sentences with your feelings. They don't have to make any sense to anyone but you.

eJoshua

Hi Simplex -

Maybe this is simplistic, but have you tried journaling? I am not very religious about journaling right now, but in the times of my life where I have journalled regularly I have been able to look back on how I felt in the past and see how much I've grown. It can be a really good tool.

Best wishes

instant

I am only day 130. I have learned that it just keeps getting better but there are some rough patches as we detoxify. I think it takes months. My emotions are still a bit erratic. Learning to take a step back, keep you expectations in check, learning to laugh with yourself and how to take care of yourself helps. As long as you are not drinking you will be making progress.

TigerLili

This early in your sobriety, not picking up a drink each day is progress. Anything else is cake!

I think most alcoholics have never really learned to live and that's the real journey of sobriety. There's no rush. Take one day at a time and just deal with what's in front of you and try not to worry about whether it's 'enough' by some arbitrary standard.

Zebra1275

If you were sober yesterday, and are sober so far today, that is progesss.

aasharon90

Continue to share your own ESH-Experiences,
Strengths and Hopes of what it was like before,
during and after ur drinking career to others that
still suffer from addiction. The rewards will follow
and the promises will come true faster for some
slower for others depending on ur recovery progress.

Helping others has been and still is my soul purpose
in my recovery life. It's the getting out of my own
selfish needs and selfishness that has allowed me
to grow and mature in life.

August 11, 1990 was the beginning of my recovery
journey and many sober one days at a time later
im still on my journey and still reaping the rewards
just by not drinking today.

Progress Not Perfection.

Boleo

In a way, I was very fortunate to become an OTR truck driver in my first year of sobriety. It was the worst possible job, least secure environment and most miserable lifestyle for staying sober. Prison might be worse except it's hard to get good liquor there.

I knew I was in a "sink or swim situation" so I started monitoring my feelings with the desperation of a drowning man. At first, I thought happiness was my goal. However, even on a good day, I found I would have trouble sleeping no matter how much happiness I experienced during the daytime.

After much trial and error, I found SOP (Sense Of Purpose) to be the most important leading indicator for me. No matter how bad my day went, if I had SOP, everything else worked itself out. With SOP, I could fall asleep without the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse breathing down my neck.

Anna

I know that I had to reconnect to my spiritual self because when I was drinking, I felt that there was no purpose to my life. I had to let all the 'stuff' in my life fall away and learn to listen to my soul. I had to be quiet with myself. The answer is there, and you will hear it.

firestorm090

If you're not wearing handcuffs, you're doing okay, lol.

Funny thing about progress, each board doesn't complete the house, but makes it stronger, and when you've assembled enough boards together, you have a house. Today just worry about another board.

wommpwommp

Hi Simplex,

I'm new to sobriety (day 12 I think), so I don't have a lot of advice, but what I have found that has helped me is setting realistic short term goals in daily life. One example is that my wife and I are rennovating our old craftsman home, and all the trim and doors need to be cleaned, primmed and painted. One of the goals in my early sobriety is to knock out something, no matter how little every day. Yesterday I cleaned and primed the kitchen door that used to drive me nuts because it looked so bad. The whole time I was working on it, I never though about a drink and at the end of the day I could look back and itemize the **tangible** examples of progress (began door restoration, read a chapter of a book, excercise, and most importantly *sobriety*) and felt really good. The old me would have itemized the amount of alcohol to see if there was any left for another drink before passing out. Things will get better, and as others have said we just need to learn patience and I think gentle acceptance of our new lives.

Cheers!

Threshold

This week one of my old bugaboos/temptations roared to life just as strongly as when I was in active addiction. I was so discouraged, all this effort...have I made NO progress? Hopelessness poured back into my life. If sobriety isn't going to help, then why bother?

This morning I was meditating and I saw something, that yes, many of the same issues are going to challenge me and tempt me as when I was using, but today, clean and with a little recovery under my belt, I can address them differently. Before, I felt there was no option other than grabbing that offer of a moments solace and imagined security. Now I have an option. As strong as the temptation is, I know now, that there is another way, and that the solace and security the other way offers is a real one.

The other day, as I did my 5th step I wrote this in my journal "Temptation is denial of reality- me talking myself into believing that I can fill a square hole with a round peg"

Today I am practicing trust, that having a square hole in my life wont kill me, and that the round peg is going to come along, I will be patient.

LoftyIdeals

Hi Simplex...I am struggling in a similar fashion. I see growth, but it is slow and indescribable. On the other hand, I walk around in a "bubble" all the time, just like I did when I was drunk and using. It's frustrating, and somewhat surreal. And, I don't know which direction to turn. I need to be productive at work, but am not so.

I just ordered a book that I'm hoping will help me deal with this. The book is from 1992, and is entitled "First Year Recovery: when all that changes is everything" by Guy Kettelhack, a recovering alcoholic.

Now...I read the excerpts from the book online, but no more than that, so I can't really recommend it. And, when I actually FIND my Kindle, I will read the actual book. Apparently, it's been AWOL for a couple days (I share it with my family). But what I did read seemed real appropo, as does the title.

Congrats on six months! I am at 47 days, and wanting to be better now as well!

simplex

Thanks very much for this. And all of the suggestions/support everyone.

I think I'm learning how to be comfortable in my own skin and all that comes a long with that. I'm also learning how to think for myself and not think in terms of what others think/feel. Not think under control of alcohol, while at the same time understanding that above everything I have to surrender...

I've always needed assurance and affirmation that I'm doing life the right way. But I'm learning there is no right way, or normal. And then like I'm reminded I'm still early in recovery which I always need to hear. That explains why each new eureka moment is like some nuclear weapon going off in my mind (in a good way mostly hah)

I really could have a lot LOT worse problems. Actually, I don't really have any problems at the moment except the ones I manifest in my mind.

In short I'm just thankful tonight very much so. I've got everything I need and I believe things will only get better

checkmate1

I heard some lyrics once that said "Do what you want even if it it's nothing at all" as long as that doesn't include picking up a drink. You won't find any direction at the bottom of the bottle.

Stang

Are you drinking or drugging? If the answer is no then you are making progress! Always look for the simplest answer.